Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Children are magic.

I started my new placement today. I didn't expect to start so soon, but on new years eve I got the email telling me that istarted on the third. I really was not looking forward to it, beause one; I had been working long hours at primark over the bank holiday and was looking forward to a few lazy days, and two; this placement really wasn't what I wanted to do, but I just accepted it because nothing else was coming through for me.

I woke up today just in time to not have to rush. Soon as I stepped outside the wind nearly blew me back inside; it was so strong. And the rain was just disgusting. Having an umbrella up just made the situation worse, it was such a battle getting to my first day a work. I had that feeling that I should just turn around and go home. I walk into the room where all the other students were and who do I say, than none other than this girl who really really does not like me. I think we both had the same reaction when we sa each other, our faces mirroring each others. This day just kept getting worse for me. There were a few other girls there too, and one I started talking to them, it was a bit more bearable.

After a lot of waiting around I finally got into my class. I was expecting to go into a year 10 class, but instead I ended up going into a year 8 class. The children suffer from all sorts of disabilities from down syndrome to autism or are just global developmental problems. Where I had my last class of thirty in a mainstream primary school, I was quite daunted of the idea of being in this classroom. I walked in and the kids were so welcoming and so much more "normal" than I expected! They ain't much difficult at all, and most of the other students I work with are quite genuine. I might just enjoy my time at this place. How often will I get a chance to help such amazing children? I'm going to put my all into this placement. I have to. It's the only positive and solid I have going for me right now. I'm going to hold onto it as the energy to fuel my attempts to better myself as a person

Jay A.K.A The Ex

So the ex decides that as soon as I'm with someone that I actually like he wants me back. So silly really because he doesn't even want me, he doesn't love me he just doesn't want me to be with anyone else, because he doesn't want to be on his own. And I'm stupid because every time he tells me how he's always going to be here trying to win me back, even though I know he doesn't really mean any of it, there's a tiny part of me that hopes that I will get the guy I once loved back. But then thinking about it I probably still love him, otherwise why bother being so pathetic to hope for the impossible.

The more I fought against him, and tried to cut him out once and for all, the hard he held on, and the harder I found it to see any good in the relationship with Rob. When he's being my Jay, the boy I fell in love with, it's hard for me to see any good in a relationship that would never compare to what I once had. But soon as I gave him any hope it became clear that he didn't want me back. He just wanted to makesure he still had me right where he wanted me. I gave him the chance to come and see me and as usual he just couldn't be bothered.

So for new years eve I made it my new years resolution to not talk to him ever unless it's about the money he owes me. I'm never going to give him that satisfaction that he has a hold over me. Because he don't. It's the 3rd day of 2012, so far so good. On top of that I've been sort of healthy, I haven't been eating meat much and I've been drinking my water and ha ing mu fruit and veg. Hopefully by the end of this year I can become fully vegetarian. My mum and my ex keep going on about how fat I'm getting, and I can't stand it anymore. I miss being slim. I don't think I'm fat, but if everyone's saying it, maybe I am. I don't know I have been eating a lot of junk lately. Just need to work on budgeting money better as well.

Rob's clean slate

So far he's not doing too well because I'm running a little late. I told him I'm on the train and that I was nearly at central and he's all questioning how I have reception if I'm on the train at central as if he's caught me out on a lie. I was like national rail to liverpool street, get over it. He thinks he's so clever. One step ahead of u babycakes. Eurgh...

So he picked me up from wembley park station in his very bright gold car and its so far quite normal... Talking about crap...

Well I spent a load of money on myself. He was criticising every shop I wanted to go into, calling it dusty and cramped etc, and he went into his armani exchange and gucci and burberry shops like he went into there out of habit. Sometimes I get the feeling he just goes into these shops just to make more of a point, purely based on how he acts in when he goes in, like he's just trying to spend enough time before leaving. He's said that he's getting me the black adidas trainers with the red bow tongue for christmas. Which got me excited, I knew he was going to get them for me anyway, and I gave him a clue of what I was going to get him and he was like aw thanku, least I said thanku. Which fair enough I didn't really say oh thanku Rob for getting me something I really want, but it's not the most important thing I should be thanking him for really.

He had a few I don't approve of ur behaviour raised eyebrow look when I called him a pig. He was asking for it with all his not so funny jokes. He dropped me to the station and he hasn't called me since. 3 days into the new year and even our 2 month anniversary was yesterday, but he was way too busy to pick up the phone and call me. Oh my bad he did call me in the middle of the night at around 2am, an hour later than when he said he would call, on the night I had work early. What annoyed about my ex was that I meant very little to him in his life and I've gone into another relationship where I'm in the exact same position still. It bothered me more when my ex did it to me though, I loved him, Rob doesn't love me and I don't love him.
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Friday, 30 December 2011


U guys don't have to say it. I'm fickle and I know it. My desire to be loved is so blinding I will fall for anything. It's what makes me weak as a person and is why I end up making bad decisions. I thought Rob was someone he isn't. In fact he's the total opposite of the guy I had tricked myself into believing he was. And it took the reappearance of my ex to realise this. Rob's a good guy, he's just not for me. He's typically Indian, all about the bitching, the wealth and the image. That's not me. I can't understand the battle of the ego's, and the mind games they play. The best way I can explain the differences between our personalties is by explaining what happened when we went ice skating.

Rob can't skate, even though he said he could, but I took him anyway. He pretended to be excited about it, but I could see he was sort of dreading it in the way he kept telling me to not be by his side and to go off and do my own thing. Which was annoying to me because I wanted to be with him. But since it's not stereotypically normal for the girl to be there for the guy in such situations he was sort of embarrassed by the whole situation I think. Him not knowing how to skate was bad enough, having his girlfriend by his side holding him up was worse for him. He fell twice, and the second time he fell, he had had enough and went off took his skates off and sat the rest of the time out. See me I even enjoy the falling part of skating, it's all part of the fun, falling on your bum and just sitting there and laughing about it. Helping da hither up and laughing some more when your feet slip under you and you fall back on your bum again. He just got embarrassed about it, and got worried that he had embarrassed me and was ruining my fun if I had to skate with him. I don't know why anyone would want to be taken iceskating so that they could skate on their own the one business. Oh no they have like 6 or 7 businesses of off-licences and cash and carry's dotted around London. On top of that they have about seven houses on rent or just lying there doing nothing. His parents pay for his tuition fees at uni, his rent and give him as much money as he needs to spend during the week. Which apparently is nothing compared to what they paid for him to attend the private boarding school. You know none of this wouldn't bother me if he stayed true to his word about how he doesn't let the wealth affect him as a person. But it does and he's so different because of it.

For instance, his wardrobe! Full of designer clothes. Nothing normal. When my parents went to India, I insisted on calling the house phone because it would only cost me 0.5p per minute, hence me being able to talk to them for twice as long. He started laughing and picked out three pennies from his drawer and made a "joke" about how I could talk to my parents for six minutes now. Arch and his jokes! Cor blimey!! Every little thing he turns into something sexual, anything at all that mildly related. Actually things that ain't even related. It really wears me down, and at first I was just like trying to laugh it off now I cant even be bothered to even tell him to shut the fuck up. I just ignore him now.

He had a row with one of his flatmates about bills a couple weeks back. He hadn't given her money for the bills, which understandably pissed her off. They cut him off the Internet which really pissed him off, and he was telling me about the things he said to her. How smug he was as he was telling me all this. He was like he gave her more money than she had asked for, because he had more money than he knew what to do with and she could really do with some. And how he told her to go clean some toilets (something do to with the job she does). How demeaning is he, least she has a job and she's earning her own money. Then he was boasting about how he has this recording of her bitching about one of the other housemate and how he could "finish" her but it was just his decency he was allowing her. Even when he had a massive row with the captain of the Bhangra team, he got drunk and called me. He was telling me how the others in the bhangra team need to do videos shoots because they need the money, but he didn't be HE earned all this money off his own accord apparently, and everything he does is for himself. Funny that since he doesn't do much for himself, glorifying the success of his parents and trying to pass it off as his own. I just don't get it. And again he was raving on about how he knew so much about the captain and how he was going to "finish" him by exposing the truth to everyone. Like grow a pair of balls and either beef it out or get over the fact that he's the captain and he tells you what to do! I really really despise that bitchy side of him. He's always like "I know how to play these games, I always have a way of finding things out" bla bla bla. No-one cares!!!

And I feel like I'm just there to look good on his arm. He says things like your not leaving here without wearing any make-up, even though I doubt he can notice the difference. Once when my eczema was bad on my face he was like, well it's your fault, if you have a condition you should be like my mum and take extra care of it. Eurgh mummy's boys. Can't stand em. Commitment is a taboo and the word sends him off cowering. He thinks that if he takes me to a fancy restaurant every week, he's being a good boyfriend and keeping me happy. I'll be lucky to get some decent conversation out of him in a day. It's christmas holidays At the moment, and I rarely hear from him. And when I do it's about how wealthy he is. Like last week his house got damaged by a burst pipe and all he can complain about is how expensive his carpets were. I'm so used to being able to call up my ex in time of need, and just vent about everything and anything whenever, wherever. If I was bored I could pick up the phone and call him and we used to be able to find something to talk about. But no, this guy is like don't call me when I'm at home, everything will suddenly become so obvious to his family. I'll be lucky to get a good morning text. There's been days where he hasn't even called me. I ain't used to this kind of relationship, but to be honest, I don't even care it's like that. He doesn't like me as much as I thought he could, and as just as quickly as I fell for him, my defences are up against him. And just like that I can go on days feeling like I ain't even in a relationship. LOL let's be honest now, this isn't even a relationship. It's company. He has no feelings for me. I have to ask him if he misses me for god's sake!! and he feeds me the of course I do sweety bullshit. Like cut the crap.

I don't know, I'm meeting him tomorrow and I wander how it's going to be... Yet again I'm going to him, because he "doesn't have his tom-tom" to pick me up from Uxbridge. Oh god and he whines sooo much!! One time we went clubbing in central, and I said we could get the nightbus back to my place, he whined all the way to the bus stop, all the way on the bus, and even while we walked to the flat which is like 2 minutes!! Whinge Whinge Whinge. He was liek we could have taken a taxi, because like I have money to just give over in a taxi everywhere. Maybe I am just venting too much about him. I'll blog about how tomorrow goes. Clean slate, and we'll start again, see how tomorrow goes...

Thursday, 29 December 2011

"If we ever go broke girl, then time is all we got" - J Cole

I know haven't written in over a month. So much has happened and at the same time nothing has happened at all. No progress to report. If anything I've taken a few steps back. I guess if anything I've just been so ashamed of the confusion that's in my mind. Writing about it all in here makes it that much more unavoidable. For the past month I've been living each aspect of my life as separate from each other, every moment passing me by, not consolidating it and letting situations get the better of me. Let me explain. Each of the next few posts will be broken up into the random bits of stuff that's been happening. It'll just make it easier for me to explain then to purge all in one post. Here goes...

Monday, 14 November 2011

Thanking God.

I'm so happy right now. And it's all down to Rob. I'm finally in a relationship that is balanced and not life consuming. We want to be with each other so much, but we're keeping it healthy and not being so obsessive over it. Though mind you this past week may just contradict that. I spent the whole week with him lol. IT was not planned and all rather unintentional. We had our first date on Monday. It was all so proper. He called me on Saturday night after work and arranged to meet at Finchley Road at 7pm where we would go for dinner and Nando's and some dessert after. The thing I like about him a lot is the way he is so laid back and kind of just goes with the flow. Like it's not to the point where he can't stick to plans but he's flexible and able to adapt. On Sunday I had work and so did he, so he spent the whole day messaging me on whatsapp, just getting to know each other. His parents own an off licence shop somewhere near Westfield in Shepherd's Bush which was where he was working. He drives and he hates it. The first ever dish he told me about was Dosa! Lol, Random I know, but I want to remember all these little things, and how I got to know him. I feel like we just clicked and everything is just rolling into one big thing into a blur. I don't want to forget the little things that matter.

Sunday night I went back, because I was starting my new job at Card Factory in Uxbridge. That night I was messaging Rob until late night and I overslept that morning. I hated that job. The people were stuck up and annoying, the job was really boring and the shop was cramped. I hate working in conditions like that. To top it off, the asked me to blow up balloons. I hate balloons. I have a fear of them popping. I literally hate it, with my life. I couldn't even tie the damn thing. Next thing I hear them telling me about blowing up those big foil balloons. I was like mate Fudge that. I have decided there and then that I was not going back. Annnd above all else, I have to wear this really ugly blue jumper. Not Happening. Eurgh.

Anyway I finished work at three, and did a bit of work trying to make 7pm come around that much quicker. I was quite nervous and excited and nervous again for the evening ahead of me. I went to the library and sorted out my CV in preparation of my placement search and then made my way to the train station. It was rush hour time and train was trailing at snails speed. I literally could have walked faster. By the time I got there I was 15 minutes late. 15 minutes of our time gone, I was not impressed with TFL.

He was waiting for me just outside the station, and the first thing I noticed again was his height. He was soo tall, I had to tip toe to hug him properly. The next thing I noticed were his white trainers matched with his white jumper. He certainly knew how to dress. ALWAYS a good thing. I was feeling so nervous up until this point, but once I was with him, I don't know - it didn't exactly go away, but it was like not so nervousy like, do you know what I mean??? I was quite comfortable with him already.

We got to Nando's, and when we were standing in the queue waiting to get our food, he kissed me, and I kind of carried on the kiss. He stopped me "Easy, it's not the boat party, let's not give them a show." Which was a good enough point, but it kind of made me a little embarrassed :S. Anyway he was a true gentleman paying for my dinner and all. We sat down and got to talking. We talked so much that we didn't even finish our food. I have always finished my Nandos!! Anyway turns out he's never been in a relationship before, but I've never really been on a proper date before sooo what do we both really know? He did at one point tell me that he really wanted us to work, which was reassuring, because I found I was really having to check myself each time when I realised I was letting my thoughts and expectations for this relationship run ahead of me.

I am slightly worried about the fact that he has not been in relationship before. I mean, only because I don't know what he expects from us. When we got talking though he seemed so much on the same wavelength as me. Like when we talked about how me and him were going to work, he was goes I want us to not make the mistake of making our relationship take over our lives. He wants us to be able to keep a very good balance which is possibly the best thing for me right now. It's taken me so long to find my own life again, it would be stupid for me to just pack it all in. After Nandos we went to Ben and Jerry's and we sat there for ages and ages and talked about the most random shit. He has a dog!! A black fluffy one with the most deepest blue eyes :). We have a lot in common, in terms of family relationships. I further probed him on his religious views and how they all managed to change. It was quite interesting to hear about his upbringing and just how similar our thinking is. We went for a drink after. It's like we couldn't get enough of each other, and we didn't want to say bye. So we didn't for the rest of that week. :)

Thursday, 3 November 2011

This feels so right!

Touch wood, touch wood! Lol, I really don't want to jinx this at all what so ever!! So I met him on the night of the boat party. And so glad Lee was well and truly out of the picture by this point. Coz if he weren't I would never have met Rob.

So I met Greg at the North Greenwich station, and I was feeling slightly nervous about meeting all of his friends, me being generally really quite when I meet new people. And I know how wild his friends are from all the stories he's told me. I met his two girlfriends Nina and Beth first. Nina seemed more nice than Beth in all honesty, she was too loud and too I don't really care for you type with me for now, which is understandable from a girl with her personality. I used to have her personality. Anyway we were all meant to be staying at Rob's place after the boat party. I was quite uncomfortable about that whole situation, it was very much out of my confort zone, but this is what I needed to do. I was challenging myself, couple of months ago, I would not have even gone. So We're walking down and Nina calls Rob and from the conversation I'm expecting a very typical indian boy, ready to get drunk and just ordinary. We turned into a side road and turned again, and he was there waiting to show us to his place. He was very tall, and he had a smile that really took over his whole face. He hugged Greg and the other girls and when he came to me, he shook my hand and introduced himself. Greg had gone off at this point, no where to be seen. "Hi i'm Rob" "Hey, thanks for letting me crash out tonight" He laughed, a real throaty laugh and said "No problem". His hands were really warm.

We went up to his room to put down all our bags. three flights of stairs we went up, to his room right at the top. The white walls, the white doors all so fresh like. His room was very typically student male dorm room with the TV and the laptop and the ipad and the line of trainers against the walls. But it was very very clean. White walls followed through here too. It was just all very airy yet cosy with the fluffy carpet. The guys went down to set up drinks etc and Greg suggested that I stay with the girls and help them get ready. I was wearing a black skirt and black top together with a belt to make it look like a dress. It wasn't as dressy as I would have liked it to be, but I was ready from Uxbridge and I didn't want be all dolled up for rush hour on the train. I wore my boots with it, and after I realised all the girls were staying in there flats I decided to stay in my boots and leave my heels at home. I felt really crap looking compared to the rest of the girls and I didn't want to draw much attention to myself so I opted out of wearing too much make-up just doing my eyeliner putting cream and tinted vaseline. Lol. I didn't look hideous, and my hair made up for it.

After a while two of the guys I hadn't met came up, they didn't say much, actually they didn't say anything to me to be honest. I needed a drink to loosen up a little, so I went downstairs and joined Greg in the kitchen. They were doing tequila shots (eurgh) and I felt a little better, the girls were being quite nice, and Greg was being himself, which always makes me feel better when people are just getting on with it, so I can just adapt in my own time. They were makingthe drinks really strong, but I couldn't feel me getting drunk, I was too uncomfortable to let go at this point. One of the girls asked me to do her eyeliner, which I literally hated doing, coz my hand shakes and I cant do it for other people for shit, but I did it anyway, gave me a chance to you know, make progress in the whole fitting in palava.

So we got going to meet the coach somewhere. Greg and pretty much everyone else was very much drunk at this point. Rob actually made an effort to make me feel included, telling me how he's like the daddy of them all, looking after all of them when they've had a few, acting completely sober. We went to KFC to get something to eat, and when I went to sit down Rob pulled out a chair next to him for me to sit. Everyone was being crazy mad and it was a good laugh, until I noticed Nina crying on the phone to somebody. Turns out her grandad was really unwell and in hospital and she was really upset. One of the girls, carol, was complaining because she was crying so much and "acting like he had just died" which I thought was a bit out of order, because like old people are so much more fragile, when they go into hospital its so much more serious. We took her to the bathroom, where Greg tried to get her level headed and clean her face. Rob came with us, trying to cheer her up and just being there for her. After we got her together abit, Greg and Nina went to the bathroom, which left me and Rob with alone.
"Is it a bit overwhelming for you, I bet your not used to this?" he asked me. Yet again, I realised I was noticing how tall he was.
"No, I am. When you get so close to a certain someone you'll be there for them no matter what, instinctively."
"Yeah, I was a bit at loss when I first was in this situation. I never knew what to do and.."
"I know what you mean, but if you have a good heart and right intentions, what you have to do comes naturally." He just looked at me and agreed, and Greg comes out and tells us to round everyone up outside.

We went outside and I lost Rob at some point, and I started talking to this really nice girl called Rita. She was so lovely, asking about what course and stuff I did and explaining to me about the dynamics of the group and telling me all these random stories about her, Greg etc. I liked her the most out of everyone. When we were waiting for the coach more people had joined us, but none of them really talked to me. Rob came and stood next to me and was like "someone smells really nice, I thinks it's you" I was like I borrowed the Nina's perfume I smell the same as the rest of the girls to which he replied oh. We got on the coach and more drinking commenced, as did the singing in punjabi and the screaming from the girls who were quite drunk.
We finally arrived at the Dock, and everyone was crazy drunk. I was quite at loss what to do, or who to go with. I saw Rob stumble of the coach, and I went to him. I can't really remember how our conversation started, but I remember he was trying to light his cigarette, and the wind kept blowing out his light. He looked so adorable, struggling away drunk off of his face. I took the cigarette and the light from him, and told him that I would light it for him. Just as I had lighted it for him, Nina came from nowhere, and slapped it away from him, and snapped the thing in half. After all that effort. He got himself another, and without even attempting to light it handed it to me.
"Please, I just want one"
"Okay, but I don't want to get you into trouble with your friends"
"No, I won't, I really need it - actually I really need to take a leak" And with that he literally whipped it out and peed against a wall.
"Ewww" I literally turned away from him and walked away, lighting his cigarette where he was not in my view. When he was done he came to back to me, really pleased to see I had a lit cigarette in my hand. He took it all happy. He always smiled. Always with this infectious grin on his face.
"Are u slightly drunk?" I asked him, when he put his arm around me and asked me to be his lady for the night.
"No! ofcourse not!" The most serious look crosses his face. And then he pulled me closer and he kissed me. A kiss that sent butterflies through my stomach, and tingly sensations down my arm, and left a trail of goosebumps. It had been a very long time since I had felt like that. We finally got on the boat, and he never let go of me. Always keeping contact, always holding my hand, always keeping his arm around me. We were a bit full on, A moment away from him was a moment wasted to me. But I was there for Greg, and I didn't want to set a bad impression or anything, and I was meant to spend the night with him. I really didn't want to let him down, so I convinced Rob that we should spend some time with the others and enjoy tonight. Greg was drunk, and I could tell that at first he was pissed at me, but when I talked to him and he realised that me and Rob were actually quite serious about each other, he was just quite excited. I didn't really care for anyone else except Greg. Since he was totally fine with it, me and Rob spent the whole night together, dancing, kissing, talking and drinking.
"What are you religious beliefs? Like I'm a Sikh obviously, but I'm not a practicing Sikh. I cut my hair and everything, because I don't believe in a religion. I believe in God, but not a rleigion. I'm an agnostic." At this point I was just totally flabbergasted. He had had his own spiritual journey, and I wanted to hear all about it, but him being drunk and on a swaying boat which was making me slightly sea sick meant it was not the best time.

By the end of the night I was pretty drunk, and everyone was finally talking to me properly. To be honest they spent the whole night taking the piss out of my name, especially that Beth girl. I was actually not surprised that they were doing that, but I was happy atleast I was being included in the conversation in one form or the other. And anyway I had Rob. Nothing anyone said could bring me down from my euphoria from finding such a promising superman candidate.
That night me, Rob, Greg, Nina, Beth, Geena and Rita stayed in Rob's room. Rob insisted that I shared the bed with him that night. Don't worry we didn't do anything hanky-pankyish. We literally went to sleep. He was very hot, like the hot someone gets when they're ill, but he kept me warm. It was annoying because the other girls, especially Beth insisted on trying to make us feel awkward and taking the piss out of me, which I didn't really appreciate at all, but really, I was so comfortable around him, it didn't bother me or him at all. We were laughing at them, having our own united front against them. With him I felt untouchable. Just a few hours with him, and I knew that what was waiting round the corner for me all this time was finally here. No questions no doubts no turning back. To me right now, he's the one. He makes me so happy, showers me in compliments so much I don't even know how to respond and most importantly I'm at ease. I feel like I've known him a lot longer than just that one night.

The next morning, Greg was being unusually annoying, and Beth was making really snide comments, telling Rob to "control his bitch", I wanted to go over there and put her face through the wall, literally. Insted I opted for a Uhahhaha ha hum :\. Dumb bitch. Anyway, I didn't want to act like that in front of Rob and make a bad impression of me, otherwise I would have said something. Anyhoo, after I got home, I waited all day for Rob to call, which he did. He kept it short and sweet, hinting at a possible date in the next week. Interesting to see how it plays out