Friday, 30 December 2011

Rob

U guys don't have to say it. I'm fickle and I know it. My desire to be loved is so blinding I will fall for anything. It's what makes me weak as a person and is why I end up making bad decisions. I thought Rob was someone he isn't. In fact he's the total opposite of the guy I had tricked myself into believing he was. And it took the reappearance of my ex to realise this. Rob's a good guy, he's just not for me. He's typically Indian, all about the bitching, the wealth and the image. That's not me. I can't understand the battle of the ego's, and the mind games they play. The best way I can explain the differences between our personalties is by explaining what happened when we went ice skating.

Rob can't skate, even though he said he could, but I took him anyway. He pretended to be excited about it, but I could see he was sort of dreading it in the way he kept telling me to not be by his side and to go off and do my own thing. Which was annoying to me because I wanted to be with him. But since it's not stereotypically normal for the girl to be there for the guy in such situations he was sort of embarrassed by the whole situation I think. Him not knowing how to skate was bad enough, having his girlfriend by his side holding him up was worse for him. He fell twice, and the second time he fell, he had had enough and went off took his skates off and sat the rest of the time out. See me I even enjoy the falling part of skating, it's all part of the fun, falling on your bum and just sitting there and laughing about it. Helping da hither up and laughing some more when your feet slip under you and you fall back on your bum again. He just got embarrassed about it, and got worried that he had embarrassed me and was ruining my fun if I had to skate with him. I don't know why anyone would want to be taken iceskating so that they could skate on their own the one business. Oh no they have like 6 or 7 businesses of off-licences and cash and carry's dotted around London. On top of that they have about seven houses on rent or just lying there doing nothing. His parents pay for his tuition fees at uni, his rent and give him as much money as he needs to spend during the week. Which apparently is nothing compared to what they paid for him to attend the private boarding school. You know none of this wouldn't bother me if he stayed true to his word about how he doesn't let the wealth affect him as a person. But it does and he's so different because of it.

For instance, his wardrobe! Full of designer clothes. Nothing normal. When my parents went to India, I insisted on calling the house phone because it would only cost me 0.5p per minute, hence me being able to talk to them for twice as long. He started laughing and picked out three pennies from his drawer and made a "joke" about how I could talk to my parents for six minutes now. Arch and his jokes! Cor blimey!! Every little thing he turns into something sexual, anything at all that mildly related. Actually things that ain't even related. It really wears me down, and at first I was just like trying to laugh it off now I cant even be bothered to even tell him to shut the fuck up. I just ignore him now.

He had a row with one of his flatmates about bills a couple weeks back. He hadn't given her money for the bills, which understandably pissed her off. They cut him off the Internet which really pissed him off, and he was telling me about the things he said to her. How smug he was as he was telling me all this. He was like he gave her more money than she had asked for, because he had more money than he knew what to do with and she could really do with some. And how he told her to go clean some toilets (something do to with the job she does). How demeaning is he, least she has a job and she's earning her own money. Then he was boasting about how he has this recording of her bitching about one of the other housemate and how he could "finish" her but it was just his decency he was allowing her. Even when he had a massive row with the captain of the Bhangra team, he got drunk and called me. He was telling me how the others in the bhangra team need to do videos shoots because they need the money, but he didn't be HE earned all this money off his own accord apparently, and everything he does is for himself. Funny that since he doesn't do much for himself, glorifying the success of his parents and trying to pass it off as his own. I just don't get it. And again he was raving on about how he knew so much about the captain and how he was going to "finish" him by exposing the truth to everyone. Like grow a pair of balls and either beef it out or get over the fact that he's the captain and he tells you what to do! I really really despise that bitchy side of him. He's always like "I know how to play these games, I always have a way of finding things out" bla bla bla. No-one cares!!!

And I feel like I'm just there to look good on his arm. He says things like your not leaving here without wearing any make-up, even though I doubt he can notice the difference. Once when my eczema was bad on my face he was like, well it's your fault, if you have a condition you should be like my mum and take extra care of it. Eurgh mummy's boys. Can't stand em. Commitment is a taboo and the word sends him off cowering. He thinks that if he takes me to a fancy restaurant every week, he's being a good boyfriend and keeping me happy. I'll be lucky to get some decent conversation out of him in a day. It's christmas holidays At the moment, and I rarely hear from him. And when I do it's about how wealthy he is. Like last week his house got damaged by a burst pipe and all he can complain about is how expensive his carpets were. I'm so used to being able to call up my ex in time of need, and just vent about everything and anything whenever, wherever. If I was bored I could pick up the phone and call him and we used to be able to find something to talk about. But no, this guy is like don't call me when I'm at home, everything will suddenly become so obvious to his family. I'll be lucky to get a good morning text. There's been days where he hasn't even called me. I ain't used to this kind of relationship, but to be honest, I don't even care it's like that. He doesn't like me as much as I thought he could, and as just as quickly as I fell for him, my defences are up against him. And just like that I can go on days feeling like I ain't even in a relationship. LOL let's be honest now, this isn't even a relationship. It's company. He has no feelings for me. I have to ask him if he misses me for god's sake!! and he feeds me the of course I do sweety bullshit. Like cut the crap.

I don't know, I'm meeting him tomorrow and I wander how it's going to be... Yet again I'm going to him, because he "doesn't have his tom-tom" to pick me up from Uxbridge. Oh god and he whines sooo much!! One time we went clubbing in central, and I said we could get the nightbus back to my place, he whined all the way to the bus stop, all the way on the bus, and even while we walked to the flat which is like 2 minutes!! Whinge Whinge Whinge. He was liek we could have taken a taxi, because like I have money to just give over in a taxi everywhere. Maybe I am just venting too much about him. I'll blog about how tomorrow goes. Clean slate, and we'll start again, see how tomorrow goes...

Thursday, 29 December 2011

"If we ever go broke girl, then time is all we got" - J Cole

I know haven't written in over a month. So much has happened and at the same time nothing has happened at all. No progress to report. If anything I've taken a few steps back. I guess if anything I've just been so ashamed of the confusion that's in my mind. Writing about it all in here makes it that much more unavoidable. For the past month I've been living each aspect of my life as separate from each other, every moment passing me by, not consolidating it and letting situations get the better of me. Let me explain. Each of the next few posts will be broken up into the random bits of stuff that's been happening. It'll just make it easier for me to explain then to purge all in one post. Here goes...

Monday, 14 November 2011

Thanking God.

I'm so happy right now. And it's all down to Rob. I'm finally in a relationship that is balanced and not life consuming. We want to be with each other so much, but we're keeping it healthy and not being so obsessive over it. Though mind you this past week may just contradict that. I spent the whole week with him lol. IT was not planned and all rather unintentional. We had our first date on Monday. It was all so proper. He called me on Saturday night after work and arranged to meet at Finchley Road at 7pm where we would go for dinner and Nando's and some dessert after. The thing I like about him a lot is the way he is so laid back and kind of just goes with the flow. Like it's not to the point where he can't stick to plans but he's flexible and able to adapt. On Sunday I had work and so did he, so he spent the whole day messaging me on whatsapp, just getting to know each other. His parents own an off licence shop somewhere near Westfield in Shepherd's Bush which was where he was working. He drives and he hates it. The first ever dish he told me about was Dosa! Lol, Random I know, but I want to remember all these little things, and how I got to know him. I feel like we just clicked and everything is just rolling into one big thing into a blur. I don't want to forget the little things that matter.

Sunday night I went back, because I was starting my new job at Card Factory in Uxbridge. That night I was messaging Rob until late night and I overslept that morning. I hated that job. The people were stuck up and annoying, the job was really boring and the shop was cramped. I hate working in conditions like that. To top it off, the asked me to blow up balloons. I hate balloons. I have a fear of them popping. I literally hate it, with my life. I couldn't even tie the damn thing. Next thing I hear them telling me about blowing up those big foil balloons. I was like mate Fudge that. I have decided there and then that I was not going back. Annnd above all else, I have to wear this really ugly blue jumper. Not Happening. Eurgh.

Anyway I finished work at three, and did a bit of work trying to make 7pm come around that much quicker. I was quite nervous and excited and nervous again for the evening ahead of me. I went to the library and sorted out my CV in preparation of my placement search and then made my way to the train station. It was rush hour time and train was trailing at snails speed. I literally could have walked faster. By the time I got there I was 15 minutes late. 15 minutes of our time gone, I was not impressed with TFL.

He was waiting for me just outside the station, and the first thing I noticed again was his height. He was soo tall, I had to tip toe to hug him properly. The next thing I noticed were his white trainers matched with his white jumper. He certainly knew how to dress. ALWAYS a good thing. I was feeling so nervous up until this point, but once I was with him, I don't know - it didn't exactly go away, but it was like not so nervousy like, do you know what I mean??? I was quite comfortable with him already.

We got to Nando's, and when we were standing in the queue waiting to get our food, he kissed me, and I kind of carried on the kiss. He stopped me "Easy, it's not the boat party, let's not give them a show." Which was a good enough point, but it kind of made me a little embarrassed :S. Anyway he was a true gentleman paying for my dinner and all. We sat down and got to talking. We talked so much that we didn't even finish our food. I have always finished my Nandos!! Anyway turns out he's never been in a relationship before, but I've never really been on a proper date before sooo what do we both really know? He did at one point tell me that he really wanted us to work, which was reassuring, because I found I was really having to check myself each time when I realised I was letting my thoughts and expectations for this relationship run ahead of me.

I am slightly worried about the fact that he has not been in relationship before. I mean, only because I don't know what he expects from us. When we got talking though he seemed so much on the same wavelength as me. Like when we talked about how me and him were going to work, he was goes I want us to not make the mistake of making our relationship take over our lives. He wants us to be able to keep a very good balance which is possibly the best thing for me right now. It's taken me so long to find my own life again, it would be stupid for me to just pack it all in. After Nandos we went to Ben and Jerry's and we sat there for ages and ages and talked about the most random shit. He has a dog!! A black fluffy one with the most deepest blue eyes :). We have a lot in common, in terms of family relationships. I further probed him on his religious views and how they all managed to change. It was quite interesting to hear about his upbringing and just how similar our thinking is. We went for a drink after. It's like we couldn't get enough of each other, and we didn't want to say bye. So we didn't for the rest of that week. :)

Thursday, 3 November 2011

This feels so right!

Touch wood, touch wood! Lol, I really don't want to jinx this at all what so ever!! So I met him on the night of the boat party. And so glad Lee was well and truly out of the picture by this point. Coz if he weren't I would never have met Rob.

So I met Greg at the North Greenwich station, and I was feeling slightly nervous about meeting all of his friends, me being generally really quite when I meet new people. And I know how wild his friends are from all the stories he's told me. I met his two girlfriends Nina and Beth first. Nina seemed more nice than Beth in all honesty, she was too loud and too I don't really care for you type with me for now, which is understandable from a girl with her personality. I used to have her personality. Anyway we were all meant to be staying at Rob's place after the boat party. I was quite uncomfortable about that whole situation, it was very much out of my confort zone, but this is what I needed to do. I was challenging myself, couple of months ago, I would not have even gone. So We're walking down and Nina calls Rob and from the conversation I'm expecting a very typical indian boy, ready to get drunk and just ordinary. We turned into a side road and turned again, and he was there waiting to show us to his place. He was very tall, and he had a smile that really took over his whole face. He hugged Greg and the other girls and when he came to me, he shook my hand and introduced himself. Greg had gone off at this point, no where to be seen. "Hi i'm Rob" "Hey, thanks for letting me crash out tonight" He laughed, a real throaty laugh and said "No problem". His hands were really warm.

We went up to his room to put down all our bags. three flights of stairs we went up, to his room right at the top. The white walls, the white doors all so fresh like. His room was very typically student male dorm room with the TV and the laptop and the ipad and the line of trainers against the walls. But it was very very clean. White walls followed through here too. It was just all very airy yet cosy with the fluffy carpet. The guys went down to set up drinks etc and Greg suggested that I stay with the girls and help them get ready. I was wearing a black skirt and black top together with a belt to make it look like a dress. It wasn't as dressy as I would have liked it to be, but I was ready from Uxbridge and I didn't want be all dolled up for rush hour on the train. I wore my boots with it, and after I realised all the girls were staying in there flats I decided to stay in my boots and leave my heels at home. I felt really crap looking compared to the rest of the girls and I didn't want to draw much attention to myself so I opted out of wearing too much make-up just doing my eyeliner putting cream and tinted vaseline. Lol. I didn't look hideous, and my hair made up for it.

After a while two of the guys I hadn't met came up, they didn't say much, actually they didn't say anything to me to be honest. I needed a drink to loosen up a little, so I went downstairs and joined Greg in the kitchen. They were doing tequila shots (eurgh) and I felt a little better, the girls were being quite nice, and Greg was being himself, which always makes me feel better when people are just getting on with it, so I can just adapt in my own time. They were makingthe drinks really strong, but I couldn't feel me getting drunk, I was too uncomfortable to let go at this point. One of the girls asked me to do her eyeliner, which I literally hated doing, coz my hand shakes and I cant do it for other people for shit, but I did it anyway, gave me a chance to you know, make progress in the whole fitting in palava.

So we got going to meet the coach somewhere. Greg and pretty much everyone else was very much drunk at this point. Rob actually made an effort to make me feel included, telling me how he's like the daddy of them all, looking after all of them when they've had a few, acting completely sober. We went to KFC to get something to eat, and when I went to sit down Rob pulled out a chair next to him for me to sit. Everyone was being crazy mad and it was a good laugh, until I noticed Nina crying on the phone to somebody. Turns out her grandad was really unwell and in hospital and she was really upset. One of the girls, carol, was complaining because she was crying so much and "acting like he had just died" which I thought was a bit out of order, because like old people are so much more fragile, when they go into hospital its so much more serious. We took her to the bathroom, where Greg tried to get her level headed and clean her face. Rob came with us, trying to cheer her up and just being there for her. After we got her together abit, Greg and Nina went to the bathroom, which left me and Rob with alone.
"Is it a bit overwhelming for you, I bet your not used to this?" he asked me. Yet again, I realised I was noticing how tall he was.
"No, I am. When you get so close to a certain someone you'll be there for them no matter what, instinctively."
"Yeah, I was a bit at loss when I first was in this situation. I never knew what to do and.."
"I know what you mean, but if you have a good heart and right intentions, what you have to do comes naturally." He just looked at me and agreed, and Greg comes out and tells us to round everyone up outside.

We went outside and I lost Rob at some point, and I started talking to this really nice girl called Rita. She was so lovely, asking about what course and stuff I did and explaining to me about the dynamics of the group and telling me all these random stories about her, Greg etc. I liked her the most out of everyone. When we were waiting for the coach more people had joined us, but none of them really talked to me. Rob came and stood next to me and was like "someone smells really nice, I thinks it's you" I was like I borrowed the Nina's perfume I smell the same as the rest of the girls to which he replied oh. We got on the coach and more drinking commenced, as did the singing in punjabi and the screaming from the girls who were quite drunk.
We finally arrived at the Dock, and everyone was crazy drunk. I was quite at loss what to do, or who to go with. I saw Rob stumble of the coach, and I went to him. I can't really remember how our conversation started, but I remember he was trying to light his cigarette, and the wind kept blowing out his light. He looked so adorable, struggling away drunk off of his face. I took the cigarette and the light from him, and told him that I would light it for him. Just as I had lighted it for him, Nina came from nowhere, and slapped it away from him, and snapped the thing in half. After all that effort. He got himself another, and without even attempting to light it handed it to me.
"Please, I just want one"
"Okay, but I don't want to get you into trouble with your friends"
"No, I won't, I really need it - actually I really need to take a leak" And with that he literally whipped it out and peed against a wall.
"Ewww" I literally turned away from him and walked away, lighting his cigarette where he was not in my view. When he was done he came to back to me, really pleased to see I had a lit cigarette in my hand. He took it all happy. He always smiled. Always with this infectious grin on his face.
"Are u slightly drunk?" I asked him, when he put his arm around me and asked me to be his lady for the night.
"No! ofcourse not!" The most serious look crosses his face. And then he pulled me closer and he kissed me. A kiss that sent butterflies through my stomach, and tingly sensations down my arm, and left a trail of goosebumps. It had been a very long time since I had felt like that. We finally got on the boat, and he never let go of me. Always keeping contact, always holding my hand, always keeping his arm around me. We were a bit full on, A moment away from him was a moment wasted to me. But I was there for Greg, and I didn't want to set a bad impression or anything, and I was meant to spend the night with him. I really didn't want to let him down, so I convinced Rob that we should spend some time with the others and enjoy tonight. Greg was drunk, and I could tell that at first he was pissed at me, but when I talked to him and he realised that me and Rob were actually quite serious about each other, he was just quite excited. I didn't really care for anyone else except Greg. Since he was totally fine with it, me and Rob spent the whole night together, dancing, kissing, talking and drinking.
"What are you religious beliefs? Like I'm a Sikh obviously, but I'm not a practicing Sikh. I cut my hair and everything, because I don't believe in a religion. I believe in God, but not a rleigion. I'm an agnostic." At this point I was just totally flabbergasted. He had had his own spiritual journey, and I wanted to hear all about it, but him being drunk and on a swaying boat which was making me slightly sea sick meant it was not the best time.

By the end of the night I was pretty drunk, and everyone was finally talking to me properly. To be honest they spent the whole night taking the piss out of my name, especially that Beth girl. I was actually not surprised that they were doing that, but I was happy atleast I was being included in the conversation in one form or the other. And anyway I had Rob. Nothing anyone said could bring me down from my euphoria from finding such a promising superman candidate.
That night me, Rob, Greg, Nina, Beth, Geena and Rita stayed in Rob's room. Rob insisted that I shared the bed with him that night. Don't worry we didn't do anything hanky-pankyish. We literally went to sleep. He was very hot, like the hot someone gets when they're ill, but he kept me warm. It was annoying because the other girls, especially Beth insisted on trying to make us feel awkward and taking the piss out of me, which I didn't really appreciate at all, but really, I was so comfortable around him, it didn't bother me or him at all. We were laughing at them, having our own united front against them. With him I felt untouchable. Just a few hours with him, and I knew that what was waiting round the corner for me all this time was finally here. No questions no doubts no turning back. To me right now, he's the one. He makes me so happy, showers me in compliments so much I don't even know how to respond and most importantly I'm at ease. I feel like I've known him a lot longer than just that one night.

The next morning, Greg was being unusually annoying, and Beth was making really snide comments, telling Rob to "control his bitch", I wanted to go over there and put her face through the wall, literally. Insted I opted for a Uhahhaha ha hum :\. Dumb bitch. Anyway, I didn't want to act like that in front of Rob and make a bad impression of me, otherwise I would have said something. Anyhoo, after I got home, I waited all day for Rob to call, which he did. He kept it short and sweet, hinting at a possible date in the next week. Interesting to see how it plays out

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Bye!

Things have changed so much since the last time I had written. I saw Lee a couple more times and each time I saw him every sense inside me told me to get away from him. But I kid myself that little bit more each time, telling myself, convincing myself that I should just stick it out. That saturday I went to work and he just near closing time, he came had come in to see me. This is a guy who has never even been to the area where I work. Then he waited for a whole hour until I finished work, made me get the train to stratford before he went to work and I went home. It was a nice gesture, and it was everything I wished my ex would have done, but it wasn't what I wanted from him. It was unnerving just how possessive he was getting and I think I kept telling myself that this is what I wanted, batting away my discomfort with the whole situation. On Sunday, it was the night before Halloween and he knew it was going to be a busy night so I insisted that he went work instead of coming to the flat with me, only because I didn't want him there. He wanted to spend that night with me so i agreed to meet him at Leciester square after I got home and got ready etc.

To be honest, that night was much better than I had expected, credit where it's due and all that. I called him when I got to leciester square, where he found me. He took me by the hand, pride literally pouring from him. I was happy that I was the reason he was feeling so happy. He took me to all of his friends, and was like "This is my girl, that I was telling you about." I was surprised he had told everyone about me, and yet again feeling increasingly worried about how possessive he was getting. He hadn't asked me out and I hadn't agreed. Still, all the people he introduced me to were really nice and welcoming. He bought me a fresh cream cake which was well deserved. Then we went to Metra and he danced with me all night, then to the After party at Jet black. It was one of those nights that I had always dreamed of, where it's just me to him in a room full of people. Just us and the music. But he doesn't appreciate the music, and I wasn't the only girl in his eyes, when he turned around and pointed at another girl and exclaimed that I should aspire to have a body like hers. Laughing it off doesn't take back the little things that he says.

Anyway I'm getting slightly worried about the work that's building up for me to do, and the fact that I'd be starting another job during the week at Uxbridge next week. I was going backwards and I sensed that I had to have him out of my life, and the more that realisation came clear to me the more I dug myself into a hole unwilling to let go of what I reckoned was the good thing for me to do. We went to pizza hut that day, when he started talking about our families merging etc. It ain't ever going to happen. My Dad would never let me marry a muslim boy, and I wouldn't do that to my family. When we left Pizza Hut it was a bit chilly, and my teeth were chattering slightly. He insisted on going to a shop and buying my a cardigan, but none of the shops were open apart from this really tacky one. He dragged me in and saw this really ugly sweater that he insisted was so nice and wanted to buy. I literally wanted to yack up the pizza I had eaten just at the sight of it. I kept trying to leave and he grabbed my wrists really tight and shouted at me in this shop. Something im really not used to is a guy telling me what to do like that. That night I decided it was better if I told him that I couldn't be with him. Start distancing myself from him or something, because I knew it wasn't going to be easy to do it now he had gotten so attached.

That night I was woken by whatsapp messages from him, telling me that he got into a fight and that he was in hospital etc etc. I woke up at midday and realised he was being for real. He sent me a picture of him in his hospital gown and him telling me his d.o.b and what hospital he was in. I think he expected me to go down and look after him, but I really had lectures to get to and I couldn't afford to waste any more time running around with him. I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to be with him when he was laid up in hospital. He told me his ex was coming to look after him and what not, trying to make me jealous. Kind of hard for me to be envious of that situation really.

Before I met Lee, me and Greg had organised a night out on a boat which was coming up. I had told Lee about it everyday for about a week. He clearly didn't want me to go because he kept trying to guilt trip me about his injuries and his pain and then telling me to go have fun at my boat party. I told him that I wasn't going to let my friends down and everytime he told me to go and have fun I assured him that I would. I hated how he tried to guilt trip me, and make me feel bad for something that I should never feel bad about. I came to uni this year wanting to make a change, not make the same mistakes I had made last year. The whole thing was getting too much for me so I called him and told him that he was coming on too strong, and I didn't like the way he was trying to control me. He tried to laugh it off and say he was joking. Joking is not mentioning that I better not meet another guy on this boat party over and over again. He then threw back in my face the one time I asked him if he was going to give a girl his number, but he was asking for that question to be asked when he was all trying to rub it in my face how this girl was all over him.

Then he got really mad and was like I dont like the girl you are right now anyway, don't even want to be friends with you, blah blah blah and I just held the phone away from my ear anyway because half the things he was saying was just pure mean, and I didn't need to hear all the spiteful things he had to say. I hope that this is the last I hear from him. I don't want to have anymore problems or anything from him, he's not a person I need in my life, but we'll see. Fingers crossed it's the last I've heard of it all.

Anyway boat party tomorrow night, will update you on what happens....

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Tired of Fighting The Tide

So my "date" wasn't as perfect as I imagined it to be. For one, he was late. Which wasn't so bad for me because it was raining and I was sitting in Starbucks, and this realy nice Greek looking European Guy bought me hot chocolate and we sat and talked about ways to style you hair of all things. It was such a random thing, but then Lee came like an HOUR later and I had to leave.

He seemed really apologetic, and gave me a big hug. He really reminds me of the Bollywood actor Amir Khan, and I literally fell in love with him all over again there and then. He did the whole never losing contact, always holding my hand thing again. It wasn't the same as monday night, in the sense that he didn't seem as sweet as then, there was more sexual tension in the air. At first he kept his arm around me and right when we were walking down a busy street, he would just stop and kiss me. But like when we were getting the train and stuff he would be a little all over me. We went to the odeon in Marble Arch and watched that Tintin film.

I was really dreading it because I thought he was going to be one of them guys who would be all over me and at this point I kind of just wanted to leave. But when we got in he insisted we sat right at the front and he kept his arms around me and he really did just sit and watch the film. He ocassionally turned to give me a kiss, but that changed my mind a little bit about him, because maybe I was just being too cynical. After the movie we went to a chinese restraunt and he ordered for me. He's really different to my ex in the way that he takes charge. Anyway he was meant to go work that night, but he said he didn't want to leave me, and to be honest I didnt want him to leave me alone tonight. On the way home he carried me in his arms through the train station and everyone was looking, but I was just unbelievably flattered by the whole night.

On the train journey home, he started telling me about his past, half of which I don't believe and half of which I don't even care about, possibly because he's not someone I see me being with for the long term. He is a nice guy and maybe this could work but theres too many things dodgy about him. He told me he used to be engaged to this girl, who is pratically all over his facebook still, so there is some unfinsihed business there. There's scars on his body that coincide with his being shot story and being stabbed story. But right now I'm going with the what I see is what I get, I have no desire to get to the bottom of the truth etc. Maybe I'm just not that into him?

Friday, 28 October 2011

Living for the moment

I haven't written in a while possibly because recently I just feel like my thoughts aren't safe being so publicly accessible, but its time to purge. On Monday I had the most wildest and spontaneous days since starting this year of uni. I've been quite happy being back at uni so far, each week having done something crazy and not being housebound. Anyway on monday I met up with Gregg in central and had a well deserved catch up. Next week we're going to go to a boat party etc which should be quite exciting. After we ate shopped and walked till our legs were dead, I met Polly, coz she was on half term from college and was planning on staying over for a night. On the train journey home she was catching me up on all that went down when her friend from boarding school came to stay. Inspired from her clubbing stories I had the sudden urge to have a night spent dancing and there and then we were both dead set on going out that night.

When we got home, we called around to see who else was on it, but on such short notice no-one was feeling it. On top of that while getting ready it had started to chuck it down with rain. We weren't going to let a bit of rain stop our fun though, so we decided to go to a bar see what's going on and see where the night would take us. We got off at piccadilly circus and yet again Tiger Tiger was full.

So we ended up at Metra. It was good music and there was the most amazing looking Italian boy called Leon and his mate who started dancing with us. I was quite surprised when he kissed me, but he was so hot I wasn't going to exactly push him away. I was looking around after a while and I couldn't find Polly and I left this guy just standing there coz I really couldn't let anything happen to this girl. I looked at the bar and the dancefloor and by the stairs and she was nowhere to be seen. I called her and she literally came out of nowhere, so apologetic I couldn't even be mad. We went back to the dancefloor and danced some more. There was a group of four indian guys who I was dancing with when Leon and his mate came back and both danced me away from them which was amazing for me because god knows I've been craving some male attention like that for a while. The asian guy came up to Leon and started arguing with him and my ego boost burst itself out when they said something to each other, laughed and then hi fived. I walked away from them and went to the bar to get some water. Whilst waiting there, a really tall guy out of nowhere comes to me and started talking to me. His name was Jason and he was half indian and half carribbean and on hell of a kisser ;) When this club shut, Jason me and Polly made our way to Jetblack, an after party event at the Den nightclub. On the way we met this guy who was scottish, and we couldn't understand a word he was saying. And Jason blatantly just wanted to get laid but I said straight up that I wasn't DTF and no matter what he said I wasn't going to go home with him. I don't think he appreciated that very much, but I didn't want him getting the wrong idea.

Jetblack was amazing, the people were all so much more hyped. We was dancing with these really nice (in a friendly way) Portuguese guys when I saw this guy that looked really familiar as he walked past me. I turned to check who he was, and I realised I didn't recognise him, but he was just staring at me so intently it took me by surprise that I couldn't look away. Then the crowd took him. I forgot about him after a while and I continued dancing the night away and meeting new people. The scottish dude we met on the way to Jetblack was getting quite possessive over Polly and was really beginning to annoy us. We could tell he was angry but we had no idea what he was saying, so we just kept singing to him and he kept getting more and more annoyed at us back! After a while an asian promoter guy came and was talking to me and Polly. When we got to dancing a felt a hand grab mine and pull me away. It was that guy I had seen earlier and thought I had recognised. As he pulled me away the promoter guy grabbed my other hand, but these guys seemed to know eachother and I was quick to let go.
The mysterious guy took me up on to stage which was blocked off to everyone else. There was no1 else there but me and him. And up here I could clearly see Polly too. He backed up against a wall and I leaned into him, his arm wound around me holding me close to him. He moved my fringe away from my eyes and he just kept looking right into my eyes. He was taller than me, slim but had really nice strong arms, and I could feel the muscles under his shirt. He wasn't the best looking guy I had seen tonight, but his confidence was just shy of arrogance, but he still managed to be all gentlemen like in a bollywood manner. His name was lee and he told me that I was the most beautiful girl and he could tell that there was something about me that made him want to treat me different. Our faces were so close together and I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. He told me that he was going to do this right and he wanted to see me during the day sometime. He took my number and then we danced all night until 6am. He asked me how I was getting home and he insisted on walking me to the bus stop. When we went downstairs to get our jackets I learned that he was also a promoter. He was talking to the loo lady who seemed so sweet. After catching up on their work stuff, she looked at me and goes to him that I was really pretty and he told her I was beautiful. She told me that he was a really good guy and that he would look after me. She asked me about everything I did and gave me a kiss on both cheeks and told me that if he does anything wrong she would see to him. She was sucha sweet lady.

Anyway before we left, Polly was coming along with a guy she had also met, we saw Jason and weird scottish boy standing there together by the bar looking down at their drinks. That guy still has my bird cage necklace which I wore with everything :(. Oh well we left and Lee kept his arm around me. It was past 6 by now and the trains were working so our walk together was kind of cut short because the train station was much closer. So he insisted on buying me breakfast at mcdonalds. We sat there the whole time me eating away, and him just watching me and stroking my arm asking me questions. He was so different to any other guy, pulling out my chair and holding my jacket and putting it on for me, running around and getting me the sugar and I felt like I was taking advantage of him eventhough I never even asked him to do this stuff. I didn't want to say goodbye to him, but he stayed with me all the way until I got onto my train and watched me go.

We got home at 830 and I was so proud of myself for making it to my 9am lecture and my group meeting after. He msgd me all day and now I'm on my way to meet him. I'm actually rather excited what with it being my first real date in ages and me actually liking this guy back a lot. Will update you on how it all goes!! Wish me luck. Xxx
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Monday, 10 October 2011

Storm Coming...

Since I've been back at the flat, adjusting back to normality has been difficult. At first I had my issues with Norman which is all kind of settled. I don't know if it's because Helen told him or what, but he has been a lot more easy to handle, and hopefully it won't be take too much of a blow on the dynamics of our friendship. But I can see now that Helen is expecting to row with me sometime soon. For example, I booked tickets to go see J Cole at the Indigo2 all standing. Now the Indigo2 is quite a small venue, and area of space is also quite small, especially if you're in the standing area. Billy, who Norman doesn't like because they had a falling out, and Helen is now indifferent towards, is a huge J. Cole fan. When I updated my status on Facebook about getting the tickets, he liked it and then proceeded to question me on all the details on facebook chat. The first thing he said to me, was "Who you going with? I'm going with my girl and my friend and his girlfriend." He's already told me this and Billy is the kind of person who has to be the best at everything. He knows that things are rocky between me and Jay still, so he knows I'm not going with him, so most probably I'm going with Norman and Helen. I chose to ignore him because I didn't want him making me feel like the obvious third wheel, because he doesn't quite understand the dynamics of our group, and I didn't want him to make me feel shit about it, so I just didn't reply to him. I was going to tell Helen about this but I was in lecture and texting a whole load of other people at the same time trying to ask who else wanted to come along. In my haste to send short concise messages I told her that he asked who I was going with and I didn't reply and she totally hit the roof, going on about how I shouldn't be ashamed of them and that he was going to find out anyway because she updated her status and his friends will see it and report back to him, and then he'll know I hid it. It really wound me up because her first thought just went straight onto the fact that I was "ashamed of them" and so obviously she's had some level of anticipation to this situation. Honestly that day I was just so annoyed with her, and the fact that she then went onto lecturing me about how I really need to stop over thinking about what other people think about us. So I was just replying to try and stop her from retaliating and deal with it when I was face to face with her instead of letting it escalate. And I was in lecture, it really wasn't the perfect situation for me to sit there and argue over bbm with her. When she got back home I did explain to her why I didn't tell him about me going with them, but I don't think she really got it. I think my short trying to end it replies were why she commented on my facebook "stop attituding at me" Jokey because it was quoted by Gabriella from Made In Chelsea, but enough for her to get her message across. I just laughed it off, because I really didn't want it to escalate. I am not rowing with her over Billy.

Couple of days later I was in the car with Norman, who had offered to drop me off to the train station. While we were waiting for Helen to come down, I told him that Billy was going to be there at the concert. And he totally had a go at me for being friends with him. "How would you like it if I was talking to your worst enemy?! Shows where your loyalties lie." Which to be honest I think is totally unfair coming from him. Billy and I aren't close to the extent I tell him every single detail of my life, we talk about superficial things like philosophy music and TV. Occasionally he gets personal and tells me about his self growth and his relationships with his family, friends and girlfriend. But those conversations are rare. Norman wants to sit there and lecture me about friendship and what not and I can see his angle, because he feels like he's the link between me and Billy. But when I first met Helen and her group of friends, Billy was the only one who made an effort to talk to me, even more so than Helen. YES 100% he did it with the wrong intentions, but now that that is all cleared up, I talked to him more over the summer, compared to the one time I talked to Norman, and that was when Helen had asked me to. Norman must think I'm sitting there telling them all our business, which I would never do, but he has no right to tell me that I can't be friend with him, especially after the way he treated me the past year. If he was a good friend to me last year, then I would feel the loyalty that I do feel for Helen, naturally, but he was a dick. Billy may be a lot of things, very annoying at the best of times, but he doesn't look down on me. I can honestly say that if I HAD to choose to go to either Billy or Norman over a problem I had, I would go to Billy. He's more likely to give me advice without the judgement, or the aura that I probably deserved it. I ain't saying Norman is a bad friend to me. It's only in the past couple of weeks he has started to become a friend, but me and him are in no way close. He earns my respect, and maybe I can love him just the way I love Helen, but what reason do I have right now? It's no loss to me if Billy and I stopped talking either, aside of not having someone to talk to when I'm bored, but the fact he has a problem with it, makes me want to be friends with him more now. And maybe if me and Norman were SUCH good friends that his enemies automatically became my enemies, he would know me well enough to trust that I wouldn't go behind his back and chat shit to his "enemy". And to be honest, even when Helen and Anika argued, it wasn't my beef, so I stayed out of it. Yes because I love Helen a lot I felt her pain when she lost a friend that way, but if Anika was to have started a conversation with me that next hour, I wouldn't have totally ignored her, but for Helen I wouldn't have been so nice. The same would apply to Billy, but she was so indifferent to the loss of him as a friend I didn't really think it mattered. But I understand why Billy cut Norman out of his life. For a person like Billy who tries so hard to be a somebody, it isn't nice being around an arrogant Norman. It's not Norman's fault that Billy feels threatened by him, but he had to do what he had to do. All he did was limit him from his Facebook, well ooh la la. It's not something to refuse to accept someone's apology over. And Norman the great friend he is. He had his uni friends, and slated the likes of Jack and Billy and the rest of them, but as soon as his uni friends go home, and he's best of chums with them again. I don't get it, but I never really tried to get it before.

Before I never really gave much thought into their drama, but after being put on blast like that I've been forced to consider where it all came from. The next day I was telling Helen about it all on BBM, and she was like yeah Norman wants you to be exclusive to us only. Apparently he feels quite strongly about me talking to Billy he told her to "sort it out, she's meant to be your best friend. Why does she talk to him when he's done that you?" I don't get it. I don't get what he did so bad to her either. If she was so strongly hurt by it then yeah, but Helen once told me herself, that it wasn't my beef, and I shouldn't have to be involved.  Apparently, Norman sees me "as his" - which is how I see his side of where things come from, but if *touching wood* Helen and Norman were to break up, he wouldn't exactly go out of his way to keep in contact with me. So this animosity he feels about me talking to Billy must come from somewhere else, because it just doesn't make any sense to me.

Anyway me and Helen continued to talk about work and what not for a while, and then I wanted to go to bed, watch Jersery shore and go to sleep. It was uber cold, so I quickly told her good night and got into bed. The links for bloody jersey shore were not loading and it was really frustrating me. While I was waiting I went on to Facebook, made a couple of statuses etc. On one of them Billy commented on it, giving me the link to watch the episodes on. Helen bbm's me just after midnight saying "why dyou say goodnight so matter of factly when you weren't going sleep lol???" This is me now really annoyed about Jersey Shore not playing properly, now getting stupid messages like that from her. So I sat there explaining myself to her, as if she was my mother, and as if she had never told me she was going to sleep just so that she could talk to Norman on the phone. It's like she was catching me out on doing something bad, and she was calling me on it, like really??? I never really watched what I said to Helen before, but I realise that I must now, especially when she's so ready to row. There's only so much laughing it off I can do before this shit hits the roof.

Anyway, now that I've vented and it's all out of my system its good. New week, new slate. She's supposed to come home sometime now, so that we can go to Tiger Tiger and meet Dylan etc there. I don't know if we're even going to go now, because she could just turn up at midnight and act like we didn't have plans, or be too tired because she has been working all Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I have a feeling she's going to be in a bad mood today :(

Thursday, 6 October 2011

The World Is Full Of People Trying So Hard To Be Misunderstood.

Last year when I was doing my placement at the school in Southall, I made a really good friend, let's call him Krish. He's very spiritual, like one of those Hare Krishna's. We used to spend evenings every week after school doing something really random, like roaming central trying to find a place to eat. A couple of times he took me to the Krishna Consciousness Temple, and it was very emotionally challenging for me. That's really another issue from my childhood, when my grandparents decided to go from being very strict Hindu's and converting literally over night to Jehovah's Witnesses and using me as bait to convert the rest of the family. It's a bit twisted and but one day I'll explain the whole twisted ways of my family to you. Today is not the day of that story. Anyway, Krish is like me in a lot of ways; he can be awkward in many situations, like knowing what to see. Like me around new people we end up stumbling over our words and kind of laughing nervously.  He's just lucky enough to have found his spiritual path, and he inspires me like no other person ever has. When I met him, I was in the "dark days" and his spirituality helped me not so much to leave Jay but to find myself and be strong on my own two feet.

Since I left the school to start up uni again, I had lost touch with him, and yesterday was the first time I had seen him in ages. He was so sweet, he knows how much I love cream cakes so he bought me a slice on the way to pick me up. On the first day after school when he dropped me home, we sat outside in his car and talked for hours and hours and hours. I wander how things would have turned out if I didn't have those hours with Krish. Time with him kept my mind off of Jay and opened up my mind to what else existed out there. We talked about God, Life, Time, Souls, and there's something so supernatural in the atmosphere when we're together. The thing about Krish that draws me to him aside from his spirituality, was that like me he's still trying to find his way even though he has Krishna. It's like we met at crossroads and we both helped each other down this one path. I know now that it was Fate who bought me to Krish. 

Anyway we had the most amazing night. We ended up driving to Soho, to a Curzon Cinema to watch a documentary about some guy who donated a lot of money or something to the Krishna Consciousness. We spent as long as we took driving there, looking for a place to park. By the time we got there we had missed the film, but was just in time for another film called Melancholia.

*** Major Spoiler Alert *** If you plan on watching this film stop reading now, though I certainly ain't recommending it.

So we went and sat in the cinema, and I'm anticipating some really deep meaningful story. The first 5 minutes is basically a slideshow of pictures, and your like OMG what the hell does it all mean, and your immediately captivated. But it was accompanied with all this really loud music that almost makes me want to cover my ears. At the end of this little introduction the this planet crashes into Earth and the music just stops and there's a really deep beating bass vibrating around us, and it was epic. After that it was just down hill. The film was in two parts, and I didn't know if the girl was depressed or a schizophrenic at times. And there were these sexual scenes where she just gets on top of this guy in the middle of the field in her wedding dress and starts humping him literally, and it was the most awkward situation sitting next to Krish and watching it. It's like ahhhhhhhhhhh please let another plant come and hit the Earth now pleasseeee. About 10 minutes into the film, we realise he introduction was pretty much the summary of the whole film, and watching it just became pointless. And every time something in the film happened that was directly the same in the introduction, the same piece of music (I think it was some Beethovan symphony) kept playing, all loud and it was really beginning to irritate me. The story wasn't moving forward, it's like they were all just stuck, none of the characters grew, no resolution at all. It was just a "we're going to die" so lets do random things and pretend everyone knows why we're doing it, even though they don't and if they get close to figuring it out, I'll surprise them and lie naked in the grass in them middle of the night. Eurgh anyway by part 2 Krish was laughing so much. I could feel him shaking in his chair, and it would set me off. A sentiment not much appreciated by the very serious people around us. In the end the characters are caught on fire finally; Earth is obliterated by this big planet and the cinema is plunged into darkness and its so silent after all that loud music. All i can hear is the ringing in my ears, and then I hear Krish laughing and it makes me burst out laughing! This film made me laugh more than any other comedy. The credits roll and Krish and I leave pretty quickly, and people are sitting there actually gobsmacked and in utter disbelief. Me and him must have really missed some deep underlying message. :S 

If I was a rich girl nananannanana (Gwen Stefani song, if you didn't get that)

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Monday, 26 September 2011

The London Eye

I'm spending the day with Norman and Helen in central. Norman had a photography job on so we booked a room at County Hall Marriot. We're all staying here tonight and the view from the window is amazing. There's a little window sill and the window opens out and u can sit out on the ledge and you would be right next to the london eye, over looking the tiny little park where me and Jimmy (the XBF) once spent the day on the swings. I remember he was at first too 'man' to go on the swings but I soon bought out the child in him and he was having so much fun! More than me! I wish I could have this view all my life! I'm gonna spend the whole night on this window ledge. I don't want to miss a moment of it! The lit up london eye and the non stop hustle and bustle. The little cars and the miniature people. The glittering river.. I want to sneak out when they go to sleep and but if Norman knew he would probably go insane and flp out, so I'll settle for my window ledge. Beautiful London. I wish Jimmy was with me so I could walk with him hand in hand down south bank. Aaah big ben chimes :D
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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The drama kicks off

I went back to the flat on Sunday after work. It was hard leaving mum, I know she's missing me a lot because she's been texting me loads and keeping me up to date on her life, which is nice because I have felt so disconnected with her for the past year, what with my grandparents always being around. I hope I can maintain this relationship with her, where I can just be honest and open with her.
On my way to uxbridge and I already had Norman chatting crap on my status on fb. Like I don't know what his problem is. If genuinely his sarcastic comments r his way of him communicating the opposite and he actually likes me or if he's just saying what he really means and pretends its sarcastic so as not to offend Helen. I gave it back to him straight away to stfu and not sugar coating it for shit.
When I did get to the flat it was just Helen, and I really did miss her. We caught up her holiday stories and life in general. The next day things were back to normal pretty much. We were comfortable talking about anything and everything, but I wander if I wasn't living with her if we would be just as close. Before moving back we had distanced quite a bit, but maybe it was just coz she was in rome and what not. But I have other reasons for thinking so too. Monday morning we got up went to get our hair cut and general shopping. She called Norman about her plans to go out with me in London, and he totally flipped out and said he didn't want her going out with me in London just as us two because we were both post depressive drunks. :S. Then he went on to threaten to break up with her which is just so uncalled for and if my ex had ever done that to me I would have been like go then. But this is what I like about Helen. She has her head screwed on. She knows what she wants and that's her independence. No-one will stand in the way of that and we click over that. Reason why I bought this up was coz I don't feel like she feels I can relate to her. I told her how I felt about Norman and I regret it deeply. Because I don't hate him, but maybe the way I worded made it sound like I did. They are good for eachother to a certain extent like any couple and good relationship, but I don't respect him purely because he literally has no respect for me. He looks down on me and he makes me feel so shit about myself. Helen has to put it in its simplest form found a new friend called Mandy. She relates to her a lot better than I can because they both have similar boyfriends. If I was to make an analogy of how I think its all worked is that I've replaced Anika and she's replaced me. And me being honest about Norman has sort of set that in stone and everything I say to her will be scrutinised more. For her sake I think I'll take back my vow to not take shit from Norman and try and just see it however she see's it as being and pick my battles carefully. Maybe I'll explain it all to her again properly so she doesn't get the wrong idea.
Anyway Jack came to pick us up from town and it was really awkward because it was the first time I saw him since we had started talking. There wasn't much chemistry in the air probably because my confidence had taken a battering since the stupid woman who cut my hair cut my full fringe too short and now I looked like mystic fucking meg. So I knew I looked stupid and it was just one of those moments where I wished the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. But no instead I had to endure him bogging at my new disaster of a haircut and probably wandering What The FUUCK!! We were supposed to go out all together that night, but they were being one of those really annoying people that couldn't make up their minds. In the end Jack and two of his friends came to the flat for pre drinks before making our way to some club. When the reached ours they were still indecisive about coming to central for clubbing. They walked us to the station and like little girls they stood there in a line nudging eachother going you say it, no you say it, and they finally plucked up the courage to say that they weren't coming. Aside from wasting my time it was of no loss to me. And the fact that I lost every ounce of respect I had for Jack, because he thought we were drunk off our faces, which we really weren't. Just slightly tipsy, but once I was at the station I was perfectly sober. Granted my I'm definetly not drunk arguement was not helped by the fact that I had stumbled in my heels a couple of times but they were my birthday heels and those stumbles were not drink related. I mean the boys I know are never so judgemental and they would not skank people like that without good enough reason. Helen was like she told me they were like that before, but I don't recall it.
Anyway they fucked off and me and Helen went on into central. We decided to go to piccadilly circus, and as soon as we got out of the station we were taken by some promoter to the club institute which I believe I have been to before. I was really feeling like crap since my hair looked shoddy and I didn't feel my usual self and I was really pissed about how Jack had been and what not, so I really just wanted to have an amazing night and enjoy dancing and forget about guys. But its hard being the pretty girls ugly friend u know? I felt like I was the grenade. Helen is drop dead gorgeous. Anywhere she goes people stop dead in their tracks and jaws drop. Its hard being with her when your having a low day. Guys were like isn't she the most beautiful girl ever, and I agreed each time vehemently because cor blimey she is. But that night was not the night where I needed to be the friend that needed to be distracted while his mate made the moves on her u know? Its not like I envy her of it, but it is just hard being seen as the grenade on one of ur low days. But she needed that night, to be told that she was beautiful and reminded she could have anyone after Norman was being a cow.
The night did pick up for me because there was this one really good looking guy who was interested in me! And I really could not comprehend it, especially since I was with Helen. He told me I had a nice laugh and we ended up kissing a bit. But it was everything I did not want to do. He never once told me I was beautiful, but to be fair, I didn't feel it. Anyway I was still up for more dancing and there were loadsa friendly people in the club inviting us to join their group hug or offering to dance with us. I do love going out with Helen though because with her we'll always be centre of attention and she is never one to hold back. Just a bad day with low self esteem I guess.
After the club the same guy I had exchanged numbers with, Dylan and his mates met up with us and we ended up walking to a chinese restraunt and eating there at 4am. It was really quite out of the blue, random weird, but the guys were really nice, easy to get along with and a good laugh. Dylan seemed more interested in Helen, they all did tbh, I was just lucky to be her friend otherwise things like that would never happen to me. Still he had his arm around me when we was walking and flirted some. I saw Helen linking arms with him at one point and I kinda was shocked at first because she was sober and it was that kind of thing that got her in trouble with Norman last time with all holding that guys hand. I think she thought I was like wtf because I liked him and now she was linking arms with him because in the restaurant she was like strategically seating so I sat next to him. I didn't want to clear it up because like its awkward init bringing up that horrible memory so I just let her believe it.
When I went home those boys had added me and Helen on fb. And Dylans and his friends were talking about how Helen had been the most beautiful girl they had ever seen. I just wish I was deserved enough to be called beautiful.
Nehoo we was meant to go out yesterday night but I don't think Helen wanted to push it with Norman, and she met up with Mandy who I think she feels she can relate to more atm than me. I wish I could help her through stuff better but I don't want to give her wrong advice. And I don't want her to think I'm trying to break them up which I'm not. So when I tell her to fight her corner or anything everything can be misconstrued, especially with my latest stupid outburst. So keeping my mouth shut and trying to stop making things so difficult for her. Like if we weren't going out I tried not to be show I was disappointed and be more supportive. I don't know if she's seeing through it. Maybe I'm just trying too hard. Fuck knows. I don't want to have another Anika situation with mandy. I just really want to get along with her and build a group of friends, but maybe Helen wants to keep her friends seperate and maybe I should stop leeching off her for my own friends.
Anyway today I found a way I could wear my hair without it looking totally stupid and it kind of actually works. I feel so much more confident with it. I met my ex, jay and his brother in central and had a really amazing day with them. We went walking from marble arch all the way to Soho to Leicester Square and we went to Selfridges to Hamleys and to the m&m world. It was really good fun, because me and Jay aren't always lovey dovey and what not, we cuss eachother and wind eachother up till we're both blue in the face but he never stops loving me. He never said I was beautiful either though. Tomorrow would have been our 6 year anniversary. If Helen says we won't go out tonight, which I reckon I think I'll end up going to his tonIght. I'm definetly going home tomorrow, I miss home and my friends there. Speak soon xxx
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Thursday, 15 September 2011

Why Do I Feel Like This?

This summer, I feel like I've gone through this really big internal transformation. I have some new found confidence in myself. Independence. A "I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck-What-You-Think" attitude so big it would shut Norman the hell up. I'm really not looking forward to going back to the flat. I hate being alone, that whole time spent cooped up in that flat was horrible it honestly could have been my fricking prison. I don't want to go back there and feel alone again. And I know soon as I get settled there, I'll hate coming home only because I hate readjusting to change. This in-between phase has been calming for me, knowing that I have another big academic year ahead of me, but not having to face it quiet yet. And here it is all of the sudden bam in my face. I have to go back and live in a nearly always empty home. Doesn't sound quiet as homely does it. I really don't know where its coming from but I feel so negative at the moment at everything. Old friends, new friends, ex boyfriends, potential boyfriends.

Maybe I'm feeling so annoyed because I want a change to help me establish the new found self. But everytime I try to make a change, I hit a dead end. Mum won't let me do anything. No to dyeing my hair. No to getting my hair cut. No to getting a tatto, No to getting a dog. No to my life!

Friday, 9 September 2011

New leaf.

It's crazy just how grounded I feel. Touch wood as I say this though. I told Helen about Jack and I feel a lot better being honest about the feelings I never knew I even had. Talking to him is different too because I was able to tell him I'm not that type of girl who'll just sleep with him. It's not what I'm looking for anymore. I miss being loved and having someone to love and that's what I'm looking for now. I'm surprised because I thought that'd be it once I made the boundaries clear but he's stuck around still talking sometimes more on the level than before too. He told me that he misses Helen too and that he'd be around the flat more :) would b interesting to see how it all plays out.

Bernard is doing my head in with his games. I want him to be straight with me, but I know I ain't ever going to get that from him so I just really want him to leave my life. Things r beginning to look up for my ex, he's hopefully got into uni. So happy for him, but our summer thing will be just that. I know it won't develop to anything else and I don't want it to. I want to enjoy my new found independence and let him focus on his own successes. At the end of the day I know he and I will end up together when we are ready. Right now he's not the guy I fell in love with. And I'm probably not the girl he fell in love with either. Talked to
Daniel the other day too. I just can't be asked with that boy anymore. He's just a nobody to me now.

When I go back to uni I'm looking to do quite a few things with my new found self. I'm applying for a supervisor job at primark, which I don't expect to get, but I'm still going up try my upmost hardest to aim for it. Also need to lose like two stones. I'm nearing like 10 stones which is disgustingly scary. Go back to my size 8 figure. Try and get my dog. Meet loadsa new people. Go out more. No moping!!!! Aim to pass my driving and get a second job at uxbridge. Not once did I feel lonely when I was at home. And want this feeling to last as I go into uni. 1 week left at home before I go back. scary stuffs. Eeeeeeek so excited to go back with the new me. My monsters from last year will no longer haunt me

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Sorry I've Taken So Long

You know, I haven't written in such a long time. Probably because I feel so put off by this now. Ever since Bernard found out about it. But I guess it doesn't matter any more, not since the whole Bernard thing is over. I mean I really wanted things with me and him to work out, but since I confronted him about this whole thing, he admitted it at first, and then he realised I was kind of pissed and he totally backtracked and pretended he knew nothing at all. He plays mind games and he's really manipulative and there is something really shady about him. I don't trust him one bit, and then when he told me himself that he has a knack for worming himself out of stuff, I was like nah-uh. I can't deal with that shit man. So he's been out of the picture for like a while now, and to be honest I prefer it this way. It was never meant to be I guess.

Anyhoo, so I'm at home pratically full time now. No overtime at work either so pretty much stuck in East London all day every day with no money to go out. But you know what it's way better being stuck here than at the flat! Here I have all my friends. If I want to go out I can call up anyone, and someone will be down to link up and have a laugh. In Uxbridge I have no-one. When Helen decides to go stay at Norman's and whatever I get so depressed in that flat all by myself with no1 to link up with. It's so shit. I'm actually dreading going back next month. I know Helen will have a lot more commitments this year and I'm dreading spending time at the flat all by myself. I fucking hate being there. Now that my Grandparents have moved back to India, I can appreciate home again. I love coming home to my mum and talking and cooking together, and waiting till Dad gets home from work and tell him some random crap he probably don't even care about, but pretends to anyway.

Okay it's now been about a week since I've started this post and I still haven't published it. It's weird, it's like I don't need this so much anymore, I feel so stable at home. I think partly it's because when I'm at Uxbridge I see Norman a lot and I'm really sensitive to the judgemental personalities such as himself. I think in his presence I tend to criticise myself more harshly and that's when I go to extremes to establish who I am, and with Helen, I see her having the life I had, and I just want it back so badly, I end up going to extremes to try and obtain it. I wish I had come home sooner. Being here keeps me grounded, and helps me to recollect my thoughts and not worry about people who are worrying about me. When I was at the flat it always bugged me that Helen might be thinking that I'm holding her back and that makes me feel uneasy because I think she thinks I'm trying to make her feel bad. I know it makes no sense, I just over think things when I'm away from my home and I'm on my own. But I'm setting myself up for this year properly, I'm not going to depend on Helen so much, because she has her own life and I don't want to bring her into my misery should I have any. I won't mope at home either. I'll go out and enjoy my time meeting new people, and not losing touch with my old friends. AND being sensible with money :)

It's weird because Helen went out with Anika the other day and had a drama-ful evening that made Helen come to terms with Anika and how she has turned out to be a bit of a bitch to her. I feel bad for her, because I know so much of her life is in such a big mess right now and she's just walking through it, bit by bit. And it sucks that I'm not there for her more, but this distance really makes it hard for me to be a good friend. I know what I need to do though as soon as I get back. I hope I never end up letting her down the way Anika has. That night she was slightly tipsy so the whole full brunt of her problems came out and I couldn't even sleep when she got off of the phone to me. I just don't want her to go through all of this on her own. Poor baby, I should see how she is today. Thing is, I haven't spoken to her since like Saturday or Sunday or something, because she had rows with Anika following their drama, and Helen tells me all how when she told Anika about the night me and Helen went out ad got stupidly drunk Anika suddenly "wasn't sure" about me. Helen told me that she defended me straight away, but what is the point telling me? Now that she ain't talking to her. You know? Like ever since Primary school, anyone who decides to be my friend and then someone else gets al bitchy and possessive. Like what the fuck? Right up until secondary school I had this shit, and I knew it was going to be the same way with Anika. I really did not like the girl from day one. She does my head in with her stupid crap and she still does. She's fake and she makes me feel like I'm something yucky and not worth her time. But yeah I gritted my teeth and sucked it up and got on with it, because I didn't want to put Helen in that situation where she felt like she had to choose, because it's not a fucking relationship. FML! And the girls still hates me. Even when us three went out together I would just sort of let them get on with it. It's like no matter how hard I try I always end up in that same situation. Anyway yeah, I knew she didn't like me anyway, but I didn't do anything to her so don't get all judgemental on me stupid fake cow. Eurgh sorry I just had to get her out of my system, otherwise I'd just end up saying it to Helen and she has enough on her plate without thinking about Anika. In a way, I kind of saw it coming, the way she was told me she hated being around Helen and Norman together. It's probably why she turned into such a bitch. Makes it easier to deal with the hardest shit. And plus she's going off to uni, she probably getting rid of every little thing that made her feel she had to turn into a little green monster.

That night when Helen and Anika were out, Jack - their friend since high school went to pick them up and take them home. Helen called me that night demanding to talk to me, fuming that Anika was on her phone talking to whoever and ridiculing her. I was kind of touched that she turned to me in that moment of betrayal from her best friend. Least she knows she can count on me whatever time it is. Anyway me and Jack had been talking for a while on BBM. Like it started off him telling he's superman (don't even ask me how I have yet another guy saying this, but it's pure coincidence and this isn't another Bernard situation, because he has also claimed he's batman and I'm his sidekick "joker" :S, to being iron man to being a power-puff girl, but he usually sticks with the superman thing). So yeah one night we were talking, and I think he must have been feeling horny or something because he tried talking to dirty to me. And even though I wasn't repulsed by it, like I usually have become recently, I was not going to fuel the situation. There was a time when I wanted to be that sort of girl; when I first broke up with my ex, and it may possibly stem from my time back then that Jack has this impression of me now. Either way I was well proud of myself, didn't give him anything, and if that puts him off of me than so be it. I'm done with that whole scene, I need a man and I need him right now. Anyway I told Helen about it the next day. I kind of didn't want to tell her because I knew exactly what she was going to say, and I didn't want her to bring me back down yet. I get carried away with myself nearly all the time, and it's people like Helen and my Sister who bring me back down, and while I appreciate it, I know I have to prepare myself mentally for it first. The night at Marriot and the day I told her about Jack were the only two times Helen bought me back down when I wasn't quite up to it yet. But I had to tell her, because as soon as he talked to me like that, I knew the type of guy he was, and I needed to be told to stay away. And plus if the tables were turned and it was her and Henry and talking I would rather hear it from her than Henry you know. It's just that trust thing. And yeah when I told her, I tried to keep it light hearted and like it didn't matter but she saw right through it, like she always does, and told me that I should be careful, because he's in he's creeping right now. And like that I stopped getting that giddy butterfly feelings every time he messaged me because to him I was just another girl. Then she started going on about Billy and how he told her about our conversations, which really pissed me off. Like I knew it, but it was like unspoken so I never had to really get mad about it. And since things with me and him are nothing like when we first met, it was too late for me to get mad. And I knew what I was doing then, but it still pissed me off now that he had actually said something. But I'm over it now, because I talked to him about it all, and he gets that that shit ain't going down with me now, and I appreciate Helen's intentions.

But anyway that night when Jack went to pick up Helen, I was talking to him on the phone, and he was so concerned for her. And when he got home he text me telling me he was home and keeping me up-to-date and I guess whatever little "feelings" I guess you can call them came rushing back. Like guys who care for their girl friends that way is really something that says a lot to me. But like I said I'm being cautious. I don't know ever since that day we've been talking on bbm like every single day just about random shit. He's the last person and first person I talk to and he makes me laugh. But like I said, I'm catching myself every time. Every time I smile, a frown will follow quick time. I won't fall for another jerk.

There's a new primark boy too.WOOO!! Lets call him Damien. He is mighty hot, and every time he always seems to catch me eye. We're getting closer every week. He gets on my bus in the mornings at the same stop I used to get off at to meet my ex. He added me on BBM last week. Will be interesting. Don't worry I won't do what I did with the last Primark boy and like go crazy. I know how to play it cool, now that I'm enjoying this single life. I've missed this whole flirting, second guessing what the other person is thinking, and the games that have to be played. It's just so exhilarating.

And last but not least, the ex is back in the picture. A lot hasn't been said about the ex and how it was pre-break up situation, but if you watch Jersey Shore, Me and him and pretty much like Ronnie and Sammie. Like Ronnie reminds me of him sooooo bad. They look a like, argue alike, dance alike, cry alike, eat aliek, get drunk alike. It's insane. But yeah being at home and closer to him I guess I've just seen more of the guy that I fell in love with and less of the dick head side of him that pushed me away. And I've missed the guy I fell in love with because like he was my best friend. He wants to give us another shot, and I ain't too convinced that it's going to even work out this time. But I guess where me an my Ex are where me and Bernard were couple of weeks ago but not as serious. Don't get me wrong the boy still does my head in, and still hasn't changed much. Difference is, this time I know I can live without him, so I don't run to him or cling to him or need him. When we argue I can laugh it off, and I never been able to do that before. I'm doing good. I know that if he gets into Uni this year he'll be fine and we'll be fine, back on the road to recovery. I'm hoping he does, because I hate to see him being kicked while he's down, but either way I believe in him, even if I don't believe in us. And if he does fail now, it's only setting him up to succeed later on. But yeah, I have no expectation for us working out, but it's good to have him around again. I've missed his annoyingness.

Promise to write. Won't leave it so long this time round xx

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Dear Sooperman,

"I just tried to close the door to it, I don't think I can live up to the expectations"

That's the last thing you told me. And I stare at this closed door wishing. But for what I don't know. Either way, don't think your absence has gone unnoticed. When you came into my life, and when I truly started cherishing the  time I spent with you was during one of the most hardest and horrible moments of my life. And you were a light at the end of the tunnel. You were my superman then. You stopped me falling and you carried me to safety, and put me back on my own two feet again. You did help me and now, in hindsight, more than you'll probably ever know and for that I owe you at least an explanation.

The moments I will never ever forget, talking to you until the sun came up about the most amazing things, God and Fate and Destiny. I found myself so comfortable talking to you and feeling like the conversation should never end. On the train when we caught each others' eye. Walking through Kings Cross hand in hand, and the way my stomach flipped and you left tingles on my skin any time your skin made contact with mine. Smiling half asleep seeing your text telling me your home.

I know you closed the door now. If this was a movie they would be zooming out of me so quick it'd make the viewer slightly dizzy until I was just a tiny little speck. And maybe that's fine. Yes I got scared. Once our liking for each other was established things were moving way too quick. Maybe I should have lied to you and not let you know how scared I really was. But I met your mum and your sister too because I thought that's what would make you happy. And then things were so up and down. I guess all the fake Superman's and Lex Luthors have made me too cynical.

I don't blame you for giving up so quickly. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (The Ex) probably made me distrust people to the extent that I pushed even you away. And maybe it's better this way anyway, less pain with unspoken words huh? I never meant to push you away, for the better part I really hoped you could be my superman and I had finally found you. But maybe all of this was to teach me that I had to let the good guys in. Just I don't really get it to be honest. Let the good guys in, and they turn out to be the ones that hurt you, and try and figure out who the bad guys are and you throw out the good guy. Lol well I've just screwed this one up. Actually no I haven't. I can't beat myself up about every guy that can't be asked. I put up those barriers for a reason, to see who would stick it out and who wouldn't. And I'm sorry that I'm not the type of girl you thought I was, but This Is Me. I need assurance a hundred times over that your in it for the right reasons, and if you find that that is too much, then maybe you are saving you and me both some serious heart ache. The whole point of my blog was to make sure that I didn't settle for second best. I want a guy who can love me as much as I love him, and who would miss me as much as I would miss him.

You say you don't meet my expectations. After my ex I wasn't aware I had high if at all any expectations. All I ask is that you have the right intentions and that you are honest with me, and when you were it always worked for you. And for us, when it existed. I don't expect to be dominated but rather treated like an equal, because I was bought up that way. I never expected anything off of you anyway. And I don't now, especially now that you want out.

Then you asked me if I had a potential guy in my life. As it stands right now? No. I find comfort in knowing that if it was meant to be then it would be.

I'm sorry for wasting your time, and I hope, one day you find your Sooperwoman and she is everything that you deserve.

 Lots of Love,

Miss Superman xxx

Well I had a feeling this would happen.

So I had my suspicions confirmed today. I knew it, and I should trust myself more. Bernard has been off with me for a while, but considering my last post it all makes sense now. My last post makes it seem like I've given up on him. Either way, today I was talking to him, and said playfully that superman flew me home from work. He said huh who's superman - which isn't usually like him because he usually plays along.
"Huh, so your not superman?"
"New man on the scene?" - and that's when I knew he knew about my quest for superman. 

I asked him straight out, not to tell me any lies and asked him if he knew miss superman was. He didn't give me a straight answer. Wish he would. But I know he knows who she is, who I am. these were his various replies to the question "do you know who miss superman is?"
"Being a vigilante has a lot of sacrifices...I've had lots of hopes for one"
"There is no sooperwoman" To which I replied there is a Miss Superman
"Life is complex, very complex. I don't want to put my name to something that may not be able to live upto"
"Do you know who she is?" - "I knew" -

Suggesting he knew, but now he no longer wants to know. His answers, answer my unspoken questions. He has given up on me, just like I knew he would. 



Friday, 5 August 2011

Just an update

So the day that I posted my last blog, Bernard called me in the night, furher making me suspicious that he knows about my blog. He told me that I was right and that he wasn't in love with me. I was like in my head "No shit!" Just when I start questioning my feelings towards him, hes like yeah actually scratch that. I didn't know what to say to him after he stated the obvious, because I really didn't know what he was going with this conversation. And I was really angry, and he kept comparing "us" to his previous relationship. But it was so weird because usually when I get into one of my moods where nothing you say will only make things worse, there's no getting me out of it. But hew apologised and said he was sorry for taking off on me like that with no explanation. And i wasn't letting up because I was so frustrated with him, but before I knew it, he was making me laugh nad I could feel my mood lift, and I have no idea how he did it, or how I got over it so quickly. Usually it takes me forever to get me out of my moods.

But then he went and ruined any hopes of what we might of had. He goes to me that since I now sound a lot more calmer he had something to ask of me. I asked him what and he goes "Don't ever swear in my presence again" emphasis on the EVER. And I was like woah dude. Do one. I hate being told what to do especially by a guy. If he had said, could you try not swear so much it really offends me, then yeah I would of been like yeah I'll keep that in mind. I was laready careful of my swearing around him anyway, and the only reason I did "swear" was because he kept going on about his ex. I was so shocked I didn't even reply. I just told him I had to go and left the conversation. We didn't talk for a couple of days after that, but its all kind of mellow now.


Being home has been a lot more difficult since my Grandad has become more paranoid, and moody and my grandma gets more manipulative. Im just glad I've been at work all week scraping together all the cash that I possibly can to make ends meet this month. Seems I might have done okay. I'm going to try and make as much money as possible this month before I go back to uni. And yet again atempt to stop being so blase about my budget each week. Might even decrease my Overdraft so that I wont be tempted to be so careless. Anyway I do have a lot more to write, I just cba at the moment because I'm so tired, but remind me to catch you up on Helen and the Ex and various others.

Friday, 29 July 2011

You Only Live Once.

Bernard told me he loved me Tuesday night. He told me that he never anticipated any of this. But now he's in love with me. And yes I totally freaked out, What did he expect? For me to be thrilled with the news that he's in love with me? It's insane. How can he even say he's in love with me? That's not love, its lust and whatever else. You can't love someone so quickly like that. We weren't even frikin going out, how the fuck would he know if he loved me? We had agreed to take things slow, and here he is falling in love. Because I reacted so badly he's decided to take a 4 week break from me. I haven't heard from him since. So guess he really doesn't love me after all. Getting on with his life and probably forgetting my existence. Well let him get on with it. I messaged him on facebook today and he couldn't even be bothered to reply. Fuck it then, the idiot. I don't even need him in my life. I was doing just fine before he came along, and I'm doing fine now too.

I talked to Daniel about him. At first he was liek yeah I'm so happy for you. Then I told him about everything, like all the other things going on, and he made me pinky promise to him that I would stay away. So I might aswell now. What's the point getting into something like this? Someone who throws a strop and takes himself out of my life everytime things don't go his way. Tut. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe he really is hurt over my freaking out episode, and he's protecting himself. Why am I stopping him from protecting himself. Maybe this is the best thing for him. I should be strong and let him be. I will be strong. Besides I have somthing more important to focus on now. I've been talking to that guy, Billy, a lot recently. I think it has to do with us both being extremely bored at home. But I do have the most inspiring conversations with him and even when I don't want to talk to him I find he ropes me in with something more interesting. I have no attraction for him, he is certainly not a superman candidate, he does make me question or reiterate my beliefs. Today the subject was the power of suggestion. You know the subconscious is the most information absorbing thing ever. Without your conscious awareness it sees things we miss, and controls us in ways we know not. I've been researching it all day. I know that with my Psychology Degree I want to pursue a career that enhances my knowledge in Neuro-linguistic programming. I can be whoever I want to be and have the effect that I want on other people by mastering my subconscious and understanding it better. The best way to master your subconscious is to meditate, so I'm starting there. In this house it's near impossible, but early morning or late at night I will do it. Maybe the creative outcomes of my meditating experiences will be posted in my Dream Splog.

If you're interested in self-hypnosis and the power of suggestion check out this website which I found really useful Will William's Website. Oh and please feel free to share any of your self-hypnosis experiences, I'm sort of intrigued by the whole idea. Will keep you posted on how it all goes.

Monday, 25 July 2011

(¬_¬) Pretty Much How I Feel

So talked to Bernard yesterday. Sometimes I really do wander if he knows about all this blog stuff. Like he refers to himself as Superman, and today he said he could really do with having Bernard's Watch. Like sometimes he says some stuff, and I wander did I tell him that or did he get it off my blog? But then how and why would he even ever come across my blog you know? It's near impossible ofr him to just stumble across it. There's no connection to this and my actual identity. Hmmm, anyway I talked to him yesterday and confronted him about the lies he told me. He had a perfectly good explanation...

Basically he has two sisters, and when we was talking about the one in school, and the other one he thought had gone out with his mum. He accepted that my view on him shutting his bedroom door and "disobeying" his mum's rules was out of order to me because it was setting a bad impression of me and he apologised for that. For some reason I still don't feel like his story adds up to be honest. Like his reactions at that moment doesn't match up with his story. Like why wouldn't he have just told me that when I asked him if he was lying to me. If he saw hat I thought he was lying to me and if he was being honest, wouldn't he rectfy it straight away? It just doesn't add up. He was relieved when he thought I accepted his pinky promise.

Anyway, I'm still a bit cautious of him. I still feel like he knows about this blog, maybe thats how he thought up of a cover story after he read what was on my blog. Hmmmm, actually I know how I can find out if he's visited my blog. Operation save my blog in action. I rather hope he will just say he knows about it though. I wander if he'll be honest about this? Either way, yesterday night I felt reassured talking to him, and I was open about how I felt pressured into being with him since he went and told all these people in his family about me. He took it all on board, and have agreed to not make this official for a very very long time. He also said that are not mutually exclusive, but that we should respect and consider the feelings we have for eachother before pursuing another relationship. I don't want to hold him back from falling for someone else.

When I woke up this morning though, that feeling of something not fitting hasn't really moved itself away. It resides in exactly the same place annoying the fuck out of me. I also had a bit of an epiphany today. The way I felt about Daniel was absolute desire of wanting to be with him. I wanted to be his, and I would have given up anything for it. I woke up this morning and didn't feel that for Bernard. There's no urgency for me to see him, like there's no sense of emptiness when he's not there. I no begin to wander if I ever felt that way for him. And is it fair to be with someone if you can't feel that way for them. Surely, if he is the honest person he is, he deserves better than my half way love. I don't know when I'm with him I feel like a warm glow inside of me, and maybe I don't miss him when I'm away from him, because I know that he would be there, whereas with Daniel he came to see me whenever it suited him, and it all depended on him. How I felt then was unhealthy, and maybe feeling like this is better. Easier to find a balance. I don't know maybe I'll just see how I feel in a couple of days. I need to get over the weekend. Thinking he lied to me changed me whole perspective on him. Maybe I should just accept his explanation and leave it behind move on, and pick up from where we were...

Friday, 22 July 2011

Another Failed Superman

So me and Bernard had continued to get even closer. That next day after I had met Daniel and finally let go of him, me and Bernard talked all night. And it felt so good to be wanted again, and he told me that he liked me and that he would at some point want me and him to be together. He was mad at me because I had refused to go to his house when I said I would on Friday morning. (He had been constantly going on at me to go to his house and meet his mum, even though I was really uncomfortable with it). I know it was really bad of me to say that I would go, and then bacj out, but I had other obligations at home that meant I couldn't really keep to my word. And I kind of didn't want to anyway. But yeah he told me liked me that night, and how much I have taken him by surprise, personality and attitude wise. He keeps telling me he likes my legs but he also tells me that I'm an amazing girl, beautiful but intellectual. And I love how much he appreciates my thoughts and ideas. My exBf never ever liked to talk about stuff like that, it really ticked him off when I tried to explain it to him, and I learnt pretty quickly to give up there. We'd get as far as, so your grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses and your parents are Hindu, so are you half Christian??  Smh.

Anyway, he went on to tell me that the day we went to King's Cross, he felt the urge to kiss me when we were sitting together on the train. And I recognised that moment too. And I avoided it. He asked me how I felt, and I told him, that he was such an amazing guy. He is so different from all the other guys I met. I like how he's shy and really nervous when we first meet up, and how scared he his to put his hand through mine, and I like how quickly his confidence grows once he's got my hand in his. I like how proud he feels to have me in his arms, and I found myself feeling proud of him. He's really witty and funny and makes me laugh at the most stupidest of times. He has aspirations to get somewhere, and be someone. He wants to have a relationship one that is long term and with someone he can really commit to. He wants to get married and have kids early like me :) Have our own little house and everything. I could love him with all my heart and make him as happy as he makes me. But then I also told him, that we still have baggage; I have my ex and he has his ex and my ex best friend who almost positively likes him. In addition to all of that, a relationship right now, is that what I really want? Is he the superman I have been so anxiously waiting for? When I told him all my concerns he was like "Oh, bw, you know I'm not like asking you out or anything yeah, I'm just telling you what's on my mind" - and then my reply is me going "OH yeah, I'm just telling you whats on mine. I know your not asking me out. Gosh. Silly" While in my head I'm like FML cringe cringe cringe.

We've talked pretty much every night after that. I have since met his mum, AT his house, which was very uncomfortable. His mum was very military like formal. You know those indian police women that you get - yeah she reminded me of one of them. She was asking about my family and trying to decipher who's daughter I was. She's bound to know someone in my family. All the more reason to why I shouldn't have been there in the first place. But she was civil, and I was sure not to make the same mistakes I made with my Ex's mum and not try pretend that she's not there.We sat in his room most of the time playing DJ Hero, which he loves, and he taught me how to play, with his arms wrapped around me, guiding my fingers to press the buttons at the right moment. Then we played a bit of blackjack and I beat him like 3 times but we did the all or nothing game and he won it, so technically he won. He gave me his spare Ipod touch, which doesn't quite work with my headphones :( gutted, but maybe possibly can be fixed. We ended it with watching the first 10 minutes of limitless and putting it on a usb so I could watch it at home. He was so sweet, because at one point he had taken both my feet in his hands like cradling them and out them on his lap. He's so tall and gentle and amazing. Most widest smile he has too :)

We talked some more that night about us, and all the people who would probably give us a hard time for dating. I know my ex bestfriend certainly is going to hate me. When I explained it to him, he reassured me that nothing was going to take him away from me, and that he couldn't let someone else's bad mind stand in the way of me and him. And then he does this crazy thing where he remembers every little thing I've ever told him, and he'll quote it back to me and I can't even remember have telling him that stuff and it just drives me insane that he catches me by surprise everytime. He tells me that I'm easy to read. Yesterday he and I went to watch Harry Potter: Deathly Hallows part II together. It was awkward at first, like it usually is so formal, but by the time we were in teh cinema he had hold of my hand, and when he sat down he had his arm around me and he by the end of the movie, I was literally so warm in his arms and his fingers were circling my palm and my wrists. It's easy for me to be comfortable with him.

Then when we were going home, and waiting on the platform at Mile End Station, I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I saw the resolution in his eyes, and I looked away, cringeing away from the situation and hoping that it wouldn't happen. I just have such a perfect image of how my first kiss with superman would be and I imagine it to be so perfect, and I clam up when I'm in the situation because I know it isn't right and I know I'm not ready. He told me that night how easy it was for him to read me. He told me he saw how my shoulders hunched over and how I lost my train of though, how I changed the conversation into something superficial. He asked me why. I couldn't explain. Then it all moved on to sex. The thing about him is that he likes to know how everything will pan out. Like he asked me beforehand if it was okay to kiss me, which is respectful, but it takes away all the risk and exciteness from it. And yesterday night he started talking about sex, and asking how many guys I had slept with since my ex, and how far me and my Ex had gone. I was honest about that (nothing to hide there, me and him had been going out for over 5 years), but I couldn't give him a straight answer to his first question, since I didn't know if he had meant "how many guys did u actually sleep with" or "how many guys have u slept with because you wanted to."

I was quite shocked when I tried to set him straight, in that I told him that we wouldn't be doing stuff like that until we were properly going out for a long time (buys me some time to get used to it all again). He replied with well we are pretty much set in stone, you even met my mum for god's sake. And I was just like WTH? If he was so sure about me why hadn't he asked me out yet? I asked him and he was like because he wanted to be one hundred percent sure about me before he did, but apparently sleeping with me before hand was okay. I was so very shocked. I didn't want to ever ever do it again in my life, and here he is demanding it from me to be sooner rather than later. I expained to him my reasons (those that I could tell him anyway) that I wasn't going to sleep with him until I was as sure about him as he was enough sure about me to make me his girfriend. He asked why, and me being honest told that end of the day he was a guy at the end of the day, and I have to protect myself first. He got quite pissed off at that comment, asking if I didn't trust him blah blah blah. But I see through all this shit now, I just get the feeling he's manipulating me. He went back to try and talk more about sex, and how it would be when me and him finally got round to doing it. I don't think I wanted to hear it because I fell asleep on the phone to him. Sometimes I reckon I escape from the things I really want to run away from by sleeping. It's a different type of tiredness, one that makes me drift and dream straight away about whatever last snippet I've heard of the conversation, one that I cannot avoid, and one I seek for major comfort and protection. That nights sleep will be the best ever I have, but usually a worser day will follow.

I felt bad about falling asleep on him yesterday night, so after I took my grandma to the hospital and grocery shopping I went round to his. I bbm'd him and asked him who was at home and he said no-one. So I said I would go round to drop off his USB, chill a bit before he went to work. I went over and turns out he was chatting shit about no-one being at home because his Mum was at home. I asked him why he said no-one was there and he goes he had just woken up and didn't know. I went in and said hi, and she was all yeah I know your grandad. Wahey for you then. It was almost threatening, and I really hated going upto his room after that conversation. Then we were just chilling, and he kept closing the door to his room, which I thought was really weird because like he'd gone on about how he doesn't want me to be in his house when his mum isn't there and how he would have to keep the door open when she is. And now he's all shutting there door when I'm there and he's just setting a bad impression of me. I let it all that go, and then when we were sitting (in his very small room, u have no choice but to sit on his bed) and I can't even remember what we were doing, but suddenly we were kissing. And it wasn't like how I expected it to be at all, it was a nice kiss, something new but also familiar. I loved the way his lips traced down to the nape of my neck. He pulled me on top of him and went to lie down. But I noticed I didn't feel the pull towards him. The urgency to want him, like I did that night with Daniel. Shouldn't I want to feel a desire for my partner like no other? Maybe my ideal partner is too fantasy like, non-existant. What could I compromise?

I asked him who was at home, since his mum had just left for work a few moments ago, and he was like no-ones at home. I knew he was lying. He kissed me some more. He wanted me to get under the covers with him, but I really didn't want to be found in bed with him, there's not a lot of space in his room, to like quickly jump out without one of us being seriously hurt. And I didn't want to "get underneath the covers". Why did he have to be so pushy. He dropped the "just trust me" line on me again. I told him no. He wasn't very happy about that. I changed the subject. I asked him again if anyone was at home, and he said no again.
"What about your sisters?"
"School" I was sure it was holidays. I had heard his mum talk to his sister earlier. I had seen her walk past his room.
"But it's the holidays isn't it?"
"Yeah, she's got half day today"
"So when will she get home?"
"At one" - we carried on kissing for a little bit longer. His hands were moving up my skirt, but I pulled his hand away. Holding onto them, so I knew exactly where they were. Then we heard someone walk around outside his room.
"I thought she weren't coming home till 1?"
"Oh I thought she had left with my mum"
"I don't like being lied to. Pinky promise you had no idea she was here"

He pinky promised. He lied. He's gone.

I knew from that moment on that this wasn't going to work so I dug my heels in a little deeper into the moment. I am so upset that I had gotten so excited about this, but it had fallen through. I think deep down I knew he wasn't my superman, eventhough he does claim to be Sooperman. I think my mind didn't want to register this shit when I was having that moment with him, but from then my other side came back, and I was just enjoying the moment, not caring how much it would hurt me later. Then I decided to leave like 5 minutes later. I hugged him hoping that I was strong enough to let it be the last time. He was different too, after the kiss, I guess he was still annoyed that I didn't "trust him" enough to go under the covers. His sister was watching T.V. in the living room and I went in to say hi. She barely looked at me and gave a I don't give a flying fuck about you get out of my house vibe. He pratically pushed me out the door.

He bbm'd me later saying that his sister was a hard person to please. I wasn't trying to fucking please her. Some manners though would have been greatly appreciated.

Sometimes I wander what the fuck is the point. I should have gone with my instinct from the right off and not even gone along with this. Also slightly curious as to why so many boys I talk to these days refer to themselves as superman.