Monday, 28 March 2011

Dark Days Are Over Now

So work was the usual shit. I went in early, and stupid Primark Boy didn't even have his shift on my department. No he stayed upstairs. So it really doesn't look like I'm going to see him this week either :(. Never mind I guess, I had my chance and I missed it. Sucks. Kind of gutted about it, I was looking forward to it all last week. I haven't heard from Sam and Daniel all weekend... I wander if this is the beginning of the fizzle out of our friendship, and hope really desperately that it isn't. Guess it's my own fault for seeing the ex boyfriend AND kissing Daniel.

Anyway as promised I  can terll you why I stopped loving a boy that I loved for 5 years. I met him when I was 14, and he was my first ever serious boyfriend. At the beginning of our relationship I had vehemently stated that we would not sleep together, and that I would not loose my virginity till I was married etc. But by the frist 2 years of going out I had slept with him, and continued to do so nearly every day. And he was the sweetest boy ever. He would pick me up before school and drop me off, and when I went through one of the hardest times in my life, he was the only one there for me when not even my closest friends weren't. He was perfect, but as you do when you grow up we changed. And he changed more and became one of those rude boys you see roaming the streets of East London, and his priorities changed. It was all about his image "and the boys". And I didn't mind that until my 2nd year of uni when I? couldn't stand being the least important thing in his life. He did take me for grranted. And no it wasn't all his fault, I was used to him being around and demanded his attention way more than i should have, But ach time he broke his promise to come see me and each time he got my hopes up and let me down, I was crushed, and because he was the only one I could turn to I went through various stages of anger to upset to pissed off all at him. Then the lies started to come out... He lied about his birthday for the duration of our relationship, He lied about getting into Uni and his GCSE grades and smoking amongst other things that I probably will never ever know about. It hurt me that much more knowing how I never ever for a moment questioned what he told me and just accepted it, even when hs lies were so obvious. But then everything is obvious in hindsight.

Breaking up with him was the hardest thing for m. When he started rejecting me and stopped caring, that was the hardest, because I couldn't understand how or why he wuld d such a thing. I loved him so much, I didn't get how he could just stop and hurt me this way. I tried hurting him back the way he hurt me, but I could never bring myself to do it. Then I started coming to terms with fact that there was no future left in us, and that's when I realised I had nothing. Everything I did right down to getting up in the mornings was for him. When I was at school and college, I would get up extra early so that I could spend more time with him. When I did coursework it was done ASAP so that I could afford to spend time with him later on. To this day I cannot bring myself to get up early in the mornings, because I still feel like there is no purpose in my life. It's ridiculous just how much my world evolved around his. IT shoulkd never ever be that way, and If i regret anything in that relationship then it's how much I cut everything else out. Aside from my world falling apart, I had to face the fact that so many people in my Indian community knew about me and him, because he's part of the same community and our grandmothers are like the best of friends etc, and now I would have a be an "unsuitable girl".

I can't believe how far I've come though. I don't Hate him. I don't not love him either. I will always love him, But the whole process has only made me realise that I want so much more than just to love someone. I want someone lto love me and take care of me, and want to spend time with me because they enjoy my company not the sex. Anyway I've refrained from including every single detail about me and my ex and the break up because one I'm on the train and I don't want to be bawling my eyes out about it, and two I don't want to bore you with him. I am on a quest, and I will find him! Back to square one I guess, Hey atleast something good came from seeing the ex: Superman must want me as much as I want him. Seems obvious but having been in that relationship, I had thought me giving them anything they wanted would be enough. But not every boy is qs nice as my Ex was, most guys like Daniel, just want to sleep with you, it seems.

No comments:

Post a Comment