Friday, 18 March 2011

Embracing Rejection

My first ever crush was a boy called Henry. He is now one of my bestest friends. I liked him for a good two years when I was in high school, and naturally EVERYONE knew about it. I was rejected by him soo many times I have actually lost count. When I was a teenager I wandered why things were complicated, but looking back he made me familiar with rejection, so I can see that bitch coming from a mile off and be prepared for it when it does happen. Don't get me wrong I know I can't just shrug off someone saying No to me and pretend its all ok, but I sort of expect it and can take it in my stride. I will forever be thankful to Henry for making me that sort of person. Funnily enough though, after I got with my now xBF he wanted me, not as his but to still chase him, and I ended up being his first kiss and his first well everything ;), but never good enough to be his girl.

Yesterday I went out with Sam and Daniel, and it was sort of awkward. When we got to KFC Sam and Daniel had a conversation in front of me about how Sam likes this girl and how he doesn't really care if Daniel gets with her and he can if he wants to. Daniel just accused him of not trusting him and that he wouldn't make moves on this girl because he doesn't even like her and he hardly talks to her. Later on, Daniel dropped me off home, and he implied that they were talking about me and that I had hurt Sam's feelings. I mean I guess it's better that everything isn't out in the open because I couldn't really cope with the confrontation, and hopefully the dust will just settle and Sam will get over the fact that I'm not interested in him. It's just really hard to not respond to him the way he wants because he will start sulking and get all angry and pissed off. But recently I've tried to just be blunt about the way I feel so that he gets it.

Daniel on the other hand, I don't know, there's just something to romantically sweet about him that I can't get out of my head. He has a way of talking and caring and making you feel just so safe. But now it's all like a game to him and who has control and who rejects who. I don't want to play these games. These guys are really close mates of mine and I love them both very very much, getting in between our friendship is the last thing I want and so yesterday I stopped playing those games. I've decided that I'm just going to try and forget my feelings for Daniel and try and get Sam to forget his feelings for me and then we can just go back to enjoying being mates again. Not that we don't already, there's just this film of pretence of "I know this, and i'm going to pretend that I don't so don't tell so and so etc", that really shouldn't be there. I know it's my own fault for playing with fire, but next week will be a new week and I can just put a stop to all of this. I know I'm the one that ultimately decides how this ends. I just can't stop thinking about all the things Daniel have said while we've been out like yesterday:

"Look you rejected my advances on you when I was drunk, and you still probably would if I was sober, oh well, im over it."
To which he replies
"Maybe I'm just biding my time..."

Or the time we went out the day after the drunken night out, and he told me off for talking about another guy and he goes "here I am developing feelings for this girl and she's talking about another guy." And that day we went out he won me a purple elephant and we just had some sort of chemistry in the air, that totally disappeared yesterday night, and I don't know if it's bcause he genuinely does not feel anything for me or because he's doing it for Sam. :S

Either way I won't go there with either of them. Having my mates stay my mates is more important to me then trying to fill the void that my ex left with another bf.

So it's my brother-in-law's birthday today, and I have to go to their's for dinner. First time I'm going to see him and my sister after she's been "disgusted" with me! But she text me earlier being sort of normal, so I'm hoping the dust has settled.

In other news I have £3 to last me till next friday, and the xBF who owes me over £500 left me a psp and a laptop both of which cannot be sold, so I'm screwed. And I'm very very very hungry but atleast very warm on the metropolitan line going back home to mummy's food! NOM!!

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