So yesterday Sam and Daniel were in the library, and they seemed in a much better mood. They expected me to sit with them which was nice, as I thought that was as good as over. Anyway we went to Nandoes for lunch, where I didn't really spend much because I got a free half chicken with my Nandoes card and I only had to buy chips, so don't tell me off for wasting money! Daniel had already had a go at me about it all, and how I need to do overtime and how I shouldn't be in a position where I end up having to starve. But I really don't know how I got into this situation, reckless spending yes, and lending money to the ex also. But it's April today... when I get paid and when my loan comes through at the end of this month, I'm going to be so much more sensible with my money. Granted I shopped a lot when I Was breaking up with my ex and being really foolish and generous with money, but I don't regret doing it even when I'm in this situation because shopping made me hapy, and it helped me fill the void when I missed him a lot. Anyway it was nice that Daniel was lecturing me this way because atleast he cares. When Sam went outside for a fag, he offered to lend me money, but I refused to take it. It goes against my principles. I don't borow from my mates, it can only end badly.
Anyway we went back to uni, and we were sitting in the hub (the SU bar) and started playing 21 dares, and it was a good laugh. We haven't laughed like that in ages. Anyway we went onto playing 21 truths, which lead to Daniel talking about his problems with his on again off again girlfirend. And he was going on about how he's s protective of his girlfriend and how he doesnt like it if the girl he's going out with goes out clubbing to and talks to other guys and how he doesn't like how she dresses sometimes or how she doesn't tell him anything about her nights out and the guys that does talk to her. Which is understandable because he don't want her talking to guys, but her not saying anything makes her sound suspicious and what not. I know it's really twisted and I was quite surprised at how controlling he is, but it's just a reflection of his own personality. And writing this out right now I know my feelings for him are more absurd, but I cant help but feel something for him, I would love to be his girlfriend.
But I know that I would never be that girl to him. I'm tired of being this girl, that everyone wants as a fuck buddy or someone they turn to for advice etc. I want to be their the one. I have so much more to give. And I never used to be the girl that used to sleep around, but when these situations arise, IT's the only time I feel wanted and if for that one monent I can fool myself that that guy wants me, then I'll go with it, because at the end of it I miss feeling wanted. And Daniel gives that me... that night when we kissed, he held me so close and he was so passionate and it was something else. In that moment he wanted me.
But I know it will never happen between me and Daniel. So I'm just going to forget these feelings and be his friend. He said to me yesterday that a guy and a girl can never be friends, without one falling for the other. And while I am falling for him, he doesn't know that, so I'm going to be a friend to him and prove to him that he is wrong. I gave him some advice on his girl, which I haven't done since I broke up with my ex, because I was so annoyed with love and making things work that I just stopped getting into other people's relationships beacuse my spite would have just ruined theirs as well. But now I'm over him and over that, and I just want what evers best for my mates so I can atleast do the best I can for them.
He left his jacket with me when he went to meet his girlfriend, and didn't come back. So I wore it home because it was cold out, and it just smelt of him. And I was surrounded by his scent and it was like I was walking in our own little bubble. Then I took it off. I'm never going to be his, and he will never be mine. Getting over it and moving on. The search goes on...