I'm kinda bummed out that my quest to find superman has so far only been about Daniel. He isn't my superman and I already know this, so why am I wasting my time fixating on him? I talked to Helen about this yesterday, and she kind of made me realise that possibly Daniel isn't the person that I really want to be with. After my previous relationship. I think I just want someone that is able to look after me and someone who I can be proud of. Daniel just happens to fit that category, and he is really good looking, especially when he smiles. He thinks about things more deeply, like about life and stuff, even if he does have the wrong views on it. On top of that he will soon acquire a motorbike, and my ideal boyfriend has always had a motorbike. But the way he is with girls and the way he holds back just to protect himself -
Actually no, I'm going to stop talking right there. I'm writing all this stuff, and where I was going with this was that maybe I just liked him because he fit my ideal and I was just infatuated. But if that was true, why am I finding excuses for all his bad points. The bad points of him definetly outweigh the good points. There are plenty of guys out there like him, who could actually WANT me. Yet I still can't bring myself to look around. He's controlling and over protective and cocky. I hate these chracteristics, but I still find myself telling myself that it's okay. I want to be with him. This is stupid. I am never going to be with him. HE DOESN'T WANT ME! arghhhhhhhhh this is crazy. I have to stop this now, if I go any further I'm going to damage our friendship. 2 week break from uni, going back to mum's. Maybe I just need a break from him. Use the two weeks to branch out and find some more suitable candidates for my quest.
I think Helen's read my post, especially the "When do you stop having fun and be a slag" post, because yesterday when I was talking to her, she was like enjoy being single (again), and before I could even pose the question of how do you enjoy it, she elaborated herself. She was like be selfish. Being in a relationship means having to think of someone else, and compromising certain aspects of your life for someone else. When your single the only person you ever have to think about is yourself. Thing is, I've never just lived for myself. The past 5 years I spent living for my ex. Since the age of 14 and all the time I was growing up, I did things for him. And that I miss so fucking much. I miss having to do stuff for other people and making someone else happy. Seeing him happy made me happy. But I have to live, I can try and be selfish just for me. Somehow :S I'll figure it out
Anyway coming back to the point of fate, I was talking to Helen once about Fate, and she said she wouldn't think about things like that. Something about how it makes her stress out a lot. But yeah, when I was younger, I always thought that I had control of where my life would go, and what I would do with it. When I was with my ex I thought yes this is it, the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I had never been so sure about anything in my life, and at a point we were fighting everything just to be together. Circumstances, unlucky turn of events... everything we were fighting, just to make us work. For example if I had got 30 minutes to see him one day, after a week of nothing, it would be inevitable the bus would be late, and the bus driver would change and there would be stupid amounts of traffic and some nosey aunty would see us. I don;t believe that nothing but a greater force could have seperated the inseperable. Spending the rest of my life with him was not my destiny, and despite how hard I tried to make it so, the turn of events that took place after were so dramatic sudden and altering, that there is no way that it could have just happened. There must be a system of some sort that interlinks the earth and all it's species to follow the path to lead to the greater objective. I'm not saying that we have no Free will what so ever. I had the free will to fight of what has been determined for me for that long. But there are some events that are determined to happen in your life and it will. Maybe the say 'falling' in love because it is so irreversible, once you have the courage to jump, then that's it. And you don;t know what you're falling into, and at first it's scary. Ad when you realise you ain't going to hit rock bottom anytime soon you just enjoy falling, because it starts to feel like flying. And it's euphoric. There has to be a really strong wind or a tornado or something to put you back from where you jumped from. To stop you from flying and pull you back. That's what fate is, it says right I know you needed that experience so you are better prepared for what I have in store for you, but that's enough of that, you have a destiny to fulfill, back to work. And that's why you're so angry and upset when you break up, because walking is so shit compared to flying, but we all move on because we have to. I know some of you may not agree with me, but I just cannot believe that something that we were so sure about, that it was pratically set in stone, can be changed by free will. There has to be something else.
If, by some crazy insane reason I was meant to be with Daniel, then I'm sure fate will come along and push me off the edge. But I don't really trust myself to make my own decisions at the moment, so I'm standing here, feet firmly on the ground and looking for another direction to walk. All I know for sure now is that if I fall for Daniel, there's just going to be a very shallow swimming pool not far below, and the climb back won't be very hard, but it'll be exhaustive, and I'm not wasting my time to go back to where I am now. I'm on a quest and I want to see some positive results sooner rathe than later