Saturday, 9 April 2011

Too Little Too Late

I finally found the courage to turn around to my xBf and tell him to leave and stay out of my life for good. And I didn't even feel shit doing it, it was like cutting away at ropes that were holding me back. Only thing is now, he's holding on tighter than ever before. He once told me that he would stop trying as soon as he found out that I had moved on and found someone else. So i told him I had moved on and found someone else. It didn't work at all. If anything it's makign him fight harder, now, when I can't even see myself with him. He was pratically begging, and the more he did it the more angry I felt. Like today I was coming back to East Ham, like I do every weekend. He bbm's me going where are you, what time will u be home. Can I come see you? I say no you can't come see me, and that's it he just accepts that and has the "well I tried you said no, there's nothing else I can do" attitude and just goes back to pleading me to be his girlfriend, without taking a second to think why there is no way in hell I'm going back to him so easily after all the heartbreak he caused. I need a guy like, you know that song by The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved, where he refuses to go until she comes to that corner where they first met... I'm not saying I want a guy who would actually do that, but I want a guy who's willing to, and in a situation like my xBf he could do so many things then just tell me he's changed and beg me to be his girl again.

Like he kept going on about how he has always been there for me, and all for the past year or so, he hasn't been there for me, like when I had swine flu during christmas and new years and I called him and messaged him, and he kept cutting my calls and ignoring me. Or all the times he said he would do this and has let me down. I see no reason why I should give him yet another chance and risk getting hurt again. But that's my head talking. On Facebook, you can bak like years of wall posts now, and on his wall, it's just all me, and it just reminded me of how loved up we were. How he was my world, and there was some pictures of allthe fun we used to have, and I really miss that. I miss who he used to be. Can a person really change back to the person they used to be? They say people can't change, but he did change. He can just as easily change back right?

Maybe if he really did try to win me back instead of just saying it, I could - actually no. I couldn't. I could never love him the way I used to. I could never trust him. I could never get over what he did to me. And i can never ever be proud of him the way I used to be, and that's the honest truth. And this whole process, it changed me in ways I thought not possible. I've had so many realisations, and now I'm on track. I know what it is I need to do. I can't change back, because I don't want to. Being with him just isn't worth the sacrifices I would have to make.

I went westfields with Helen and Norman today. It's really hard to not feel like a third wheel with them, with their cutesy hand holding hugging and kissing and their secret language. I spent the day following them around fantasizing about the moment Daniel realised it was me all along.

No comments:

Post a Comment