Sunday, 24 April 2011

You find a boy, u2 become bestfriends, n nt much else matters.

I saw him today. He came down like he said he would, to pick up his car part. I thought he would bring someone else with him, but no it was just him. And it was so great to see him within this week. It possibly would have been the longest I've gone since we met without seeing him, and it's good that that period was broken up. Got my uxbridge dosage. (",) This week seems that much more bearable. We picked up his car stuff, and went to Frankie's and Benny's for lunch. We talked about "life perspectives" this time. He really seems to enjoy such topical discussions where he can prove he's right. Couple of things he said to me today, that love doesn't have to be defined. I guess this is his rebuttal to the you only ever fall in love business. He says, whats the point putting a label on how he feels. He feels strongly about a girl, but he doesn't know if it's love or not, it is what it he makes it to be, and that's that. The label won't change how he feels. On the up side, he implied that he was in love with his girlfriend, following the feelings he had for her, he just hadn't labelled it, so atleast one good thing came from that convo. Daniel is in love.

He also went on about how he knows how girls work, and that when girls fall for him, he usually cuts ties with them because otherwise they'll just keep hoping that they've got a chance. I was going to say to him that following him reading my blog, he knows how I feel about him, but that doesn't mean I hold onto this hope that one day he might fall for me. I have this fantasy where he realises that I'm the one, but I don't bring that fantasy into real life and change my life based on hopes and dreams. I know that he will never ever want me to be his girlfriend and that he will never love me as I fantasize. But before I could he asked me not to have that conversation with him. I asked him why and he said that it was because he didn't want me to formalise it, because right now he was pretending he hadn't read what was on my blog. So I didn't say anything. I don't want him to cut me out. I need him still as my friend.

He gave me al lthis life advice today, about making my life count, and doing as much as I can with it, instead of settling for the demands of my family. To be selfish where necessary. I mean I told Daniel about how I was sick of people thinking of me as a sex buddy and just feeling frustrated, amongst other things. And he started going on about how I should appreciate the things in life, and how people who deserve to call their life unfair think its fair. His wise knowledge was not what I wanted to hear at the time, but he really does help me make sense of my life. He said that maybe I'm not a nice girl as I thinks I am so maybe this is fair. And maybe he is right. I haven't been portraying my real self to guys, just using sex as a way of grabbing their attention. Why? because I feel like there's nothing special or unique about me to grab their attention otherwise. I want to be wanted and missed so badly I've resorted to desperate measures without knowing it.

And there is something special about me. I have so much more to offer to "Superman". My ability to love unconditionally, just being one of them. And Daniel has become my one of best friends, and that is more than what I asked for. I love him that much atleast. And I'm going to take his advice and stop living to find Superman. Besides, like he said, boys my age aren't looking to find commitment, so whats the point finding a dickhead? He's like my Mr Miyagi, and I'm going to make a change and take all of his advice, and make him proud of the person I've become today. Everytime I'm faced with a new or difficult situation I'll ask myself, what would Daniel want me to do. He's done more than he even knows for me, like help me take that last leap in getting over my ex, and helping me see the obvious in the most horriblest situations.

Maybe Fate bought him into my life, so I had the courage to let go of my ex. But I was never fully given him because he isn't in my destiny. And maybe that's why I fell for him, because I need to listen to what he's saying, and he's the only one I will listen to. He really does take care of his friends, and maybe one day, I can return that favour. I'm sorry, but I ain't looking for Superman until I've corrected my mistakes.

Steve's been talking to me still. He wants help finding a girl, and there's this one girl that he really likes in our community, who isn't really all that nice, a bit of an immature 24 year old who's mouthy. He can do better than her, but I'm just helping him through it all really. Totally haven't mentioned the "we could have been together - thing". My ex also got really annoyed when he saw that Steve had added me on facebook. He tried to make us work again, knowing that he might lose me 100% gone this time. He said he was going to come and see me after work which, suddenly changed to the next day before work, where he sat in his car waited till the last minute, and came running to me just as my bus came. To this day he never ceases to disappoint me. He claimed he was going to make it and see me in my break. He wasn't there 30 mins later. And it really annoyed me! I don't know why it should, I expected nothing less from him, but I still hoped maybe this time he might actually do it. This would be so easy if he just let go. But he refuses to let go and refuses to do anything to put us right. I have never been so sure about hating him until that point yesterday. Besides its a good thing I didnt see him yesterday, because if I did, I wouldn't have been able to see Daniel today.

Okay here goes. See how I was back tracking, I'm backtracking right to the beginning. Pretending to be a Prudish Virgin (Y) (",)

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