Friday, 27 May 2011

And it all comes crashing down.

I'm writing this for like the third time now, and its really frustrating because I want to portray this night accurately, because if I don't put it out on here, it's going to remain jumbled in my head and continue to bug me.

So we got ready, I wore my most amazing dress that I bought from Miss Selfridge, feeling so bloody confident (confident enough to show off my legs!! Eeeek LOL) we started off by going to the Cinema and watching Pirates of the Caribbean and drooling over Johnny Depps exceptionally well defined eyes. We got a cab and went to the hotel where Helen works. It was kind of what I had expected her work place to be but nicer.

Anyway so we're having our meal, and a bottle of wine between us. Wine is disgusting. But I managed to gulp down liek 2 and half glasses of it, because one, Helen was complaining I wouldn;t get tipsy with her, and two I didn't want to let her down and not drink. We started rambling and told eachother just how unexpected we found our friendship, and went on gushing about how much we really appreciated eachother and it was really nice to hear that she loved me just as much as I loved her, and she needed me too. She told me that she was so proud to see me enjoying my life again and wanted me to wait for a guy who's going to love me and appreciate me in the way she does. She reminded me that I am special and unique. She also reminded me why she's glad that I've stopped wanting o settle for Daniel. She said outright that she would be sad to see me settle for someone like him, because to her she thinks I can do so much better and will be better off without the mind games. In so many ways she's like my conscience, telling me everything I know and further affirming my own ideas to me. I really have succeeded in terms finding myself because of her support. She reassured me that she was always going to be here, and she told me that Norman also felt the same way, and if I ever needed him all I had to do was call him whatever time, wherever I was.

When we finished out meal, was when I realised just hot drunk Helen had gotten, and I sobered up pretty damn fast, because I knew I had to look after her. We went to toilets, and she was complaining that I was pretending to be drunk to amuse her, which I was. I really wanted to be drunk with her and just enjoy the evening with her on that level, my vision was blurred, and my hand-eye co-ordination wasn't the best, but I wasn't drunk, I was so aware of my actions and thoughts and more importantly of hers. We went to the bar for more drinks, and honestly I literally gulped down two glasses of Malibu and Lemonade, and I felt nothing. By the time we got into the cab to go to the club my vision had pretty much returned to normal, and Helen seemed to have just got more drunk.

We was walking to Liquid, the club down the road from us, and in that time Helen had already smashed a bottle, and ran away from me. I was getting worried at this point, and contemplated taking her home, but she insisted we have a good time, and I didn't want to let her down. She hadn't had fun for so long. When we got to the front of the queue to get into Liquid, she was very well composed and I knew she was not that far gone. She even talked to the bouncer in a very normal sober manner and she did nothing that was silly.

We didn't get into liquid, it was packed out because it some army night thing. So we decided to go to academy, our Brunel on campus club. We met these two guys in the line at Liquid, who I knew from my secondary school. They were in the year above me, and I knew their other friends in the same group pretty well, so I knew they weren't dickheads. They walked with us, me keeping my arms locked with Helen's incase she decided to do a runner. A couple of times she stumbled and grabbed onto one of the guys hand, which I kept trying to take away. Norman had called me and her a couple of times, but I didn't want to answer in case he realised how druk Helen was and I was waiting to text him once I got into a club. But as we crossed the road, he pulled up at the traffic light. I totally panicked, he rolled down the window and asked me to bring Helen to him. I must have been still fro atleast a minute, trying to figure it out in my head, before he demanded I take Helen to him. He got out and he told her to get in through the drivers seat and slide on to the passenger's side. Then he turned around to me and told me fuck off, got in his car and shut the door and drove away. The look he gave me when he told me to fuck off, I knew that he blamed me and he hated me in that moment. I felt so sick in my stomach.

Then I walked wherever my feet took me. I was crying really badly and I didn;t realise how much I was crying until a stranger ansked me if I was ok. I snapped out of it then and realised that I first I was cold and second I needed to get somewhere safe. I instinctively called Daniel. I don't remember the conversation, but I do remember him telling me to stay where I was and that he was coming to get me. He came and I got in his car and he just hugged me. I sat in that car rambling. I remember telling him that I had ruined Helen's relationship and that it was my fault. And how much Norman hated me. And how I jinxed my own happiness. How I knew it was all going to come cashing down. Once that was all out, I knew that I wasn;t going back to the flat. I couldn't face the mess that my mistakes had caused. I wasn't going to go back and face his judgmental dissapproving comments. All I wanted, really was to take a night bus to east london. Nothing is more comforting to me than public transport and the city of London. The flourescent lights, and the buzz that exists behind the sleeping city, it draws me in. And that's where I needed to be. I also realised that Daniel thought I was over-reacting. And maybe I was, but at that time, with all those things running around in my head I was going crazy with anxiety. I couldn't stop the tears. He was just sitting there texting his girlfriend, trying to make me stay at Sam's etc. I told him to just drop me to a bus stop, he said no I'll drop you to east london. I said no. Because he would make me go back to my east london home. And that's not where I wanted to go. He wasn't going to give me the comfort and security that I needed at that point because he thought I was pathetic. And I needed someone who would, and that person was in East London. I didn't want him to take me. So he stopped and made me call Norman. The first time I called him, he was still angry. and He wouldn't let me talk to Helen. So I hung up. I called him again, and he let me talk to her, but they were worried and he assured me that I he wasn't at me and he wanted me safe. My plan was to go back and if it kicked off, I would leave. Daniel tried to make me promise that I wouldn't leave the flat once he dropped me and asked me to wave from my window as he drove past, but I didn't promise him, neither did I wave from my window.

When I went up Helen had ripped down everything of her and Norman and was very very drunk. She had let it engulf her and she embraced it to leash out her anger she had held in for so long. All the little things that she had been repressing inside of her had come out and there was no stopping it. She was soo angry at him. And he was angry at me. He said to me that there was a reason why He and Anika don't let her get drunk, and that there was things that I didn't know and that I had only known her for like two weeks, and i knew nothing about her. It was a slap in the face. Anika would never have let her get into that state. I don't deserve people like her in my life, and I knew it. He just reaffirmed that. I went into the kitchen and Helen was crying, saying that I didn't know her and that there was things that I didn't know and that one day she would tell me. Norman was threatening to leave her. I put them both in their room, made her talk to me while he listened about whatever was on her mind. When they finally started talking to eachother I left.

The next morning, I just felt like shit. I knew I had screwed up. I was glad to hear that the two of them were okay. But waking up after all those days of happiness and feeling content with the people of my life, to feeling unworthy of them just bought me right back down. I was familiar with this place anyway. I knew from the right off, I can't be a good friend to anyone, and if anyone has me in their life, then their life is inevitably going to fuck up. Hard lessons that I learnt in secondary school, which I should never have forgotten. Helen woke me up in the morning trying to piece together the events of yesterday, and assuring me that I had done right by her and that she and Norman were not mad at me at all. It's only a matter of time before they realise anyway. I can feel the dynamics have changed anyway. Oh well, I do better on my own anyway, no need to feel obliged to anyone else, or let them get that close. It only means I'll let them down sooner or later, so what's the point?

I was talking to Helen after about all the things she had told me yesterday. She is so good at shying away from her own thoughts. She is her own worst enemy and she causes so much pain for herself. I stroked her hair until she went to sleep yesterday and while I was she asked me what I was thinking, and I told her I was praying. She talked so much, but so superficially, still hiding away from her feelings, and I felt lost at times at what to say. Life has treated her so cruelly, and I prayed if God could take away her sorrows, allow her to access what she's repressed for so long and deal with her emotions from then, so that she could move on. God has listened at the most unexpected times, but I really need him to listen now. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. She is the most pure hearted person in the world that I know, not an evil thought crosses her mind. She doesn't deserve a conflicted mind. I prayed that god would release her from the self torture she puts herself through. I hope he listens to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment