Thursday, 26 May 2011

Haven't Felt Ths Good In So Long

I havent this good in soo long. For so long I've been going to bed thinking another fucking day over and done with. Since Friday I've been going to bed feeling so happy and content in my life. I go to bed not wanting to change a thing. Superfical things contributing to my happiness, is probably the exams being over and me knowing that I may have only failed one of them, and there's always resits. On top of that I have enough money to cover rent for the next three months, so I am so very happy about that. No money issues. Then there's the fact that I don't have to lie to mum about reasons to why I want to stay out in Uxbridge, because she kind of asked me straight out and I think (Touch wood) that she's in a way accepted it. I guess it buys me more time to get a job in Uxbridge, so that I can quit primark and spend more time at home. Will start looking. Also, I feel like I have finally found myself, and knowing that I have Helen is comforting and almost all I need. I don't feel lonely anymore. Friends are so important at a time like this and I probably wouldn't have stuck with my ex for so long, had I met her sooner and had her there to help me see sense. But this euphoria can't last, it's all going to come crashing down soon. I rarely feel this content in my life, and I just know that it's too good to be true.

It's good to know that Helen needs me as much as I need her. Her and Norman have been a bit rocky recently. It's the one thing I can help her with, because me and my ex had a countless number of rocky patches. In fact the last year or so of our reltaionship was just a endless rocky patch. We were meant to go to brick lane and central to do a bit of shopping, but Norman had work and so she had to stay at his the night before. She was meant to come back in the morning, but she didn't and they argued about it more. She said she would be home in the evening, and Daniel had called asking to meet up and go to the cinema. I was waiting for him to come pick me up when Helen got home earlier than expected. She just burst into tears. And it was so clear in my head for the first time. Like I knew straight away that I couldn;t say anything to make this better, and me usually being awkward in situations like this, just automatically hugged her, and let her get it out of her system. I knew instinctively that she didn't want to talk, after she had stopped crying, and all she needed was a tea and that she would talk at her own pace in her own time without me pushing her. She has her process and I realise that I have to let people deal with things in their own way and come to terms with things in their own way, and be there however they need you. I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was not going out with Daniel. I bb'd him and told him I couldn't see him. No explanation no nothing. And I didn't even care, my only concern was Helen. And I never thought I would do that, for so long I always put my ex before my friends and dropped my whole life for him, and here I am now with my priorities straight. He just read the msg and didn't reply back, and I gave him no further contact there after.

After me and Helen had talked things out and she had made sense of everything, we took the train and went into central. I saw the most amazing pair of rollerblades, which I couldn;t get because they were like £200, but soon as I pay rent for the next three months, I'm going to purchase them! I got a skateboard instead. Named him spolly :) He is rather sexy. Felt so right, it was like it was just another part of me that I had found. Going to be harder to learn it, but I reckon I can do it. I found the most amazing dress as well (on sale) all flowy and light. We had so much fun just checking out all these new stores and when we got home, Norman picked us up, and he they seemed much better. They recognise that they are going through a rocky patch, proably caused by the transition in their lives, and they just have to get past it. It can't always be a perfect walk in the park, relationships take hard work. In a way it kind of makes me appreciate my single life, and not havign to think about how my actions might hurt someone else and living with the prospect that I might end up losing somone I really care about.

Anyway, today I'm going to go to Helen's work place. She works in a Hotel and on her birthday, they give her a like a free three course meal for two, so we're going to have some nom nom food! Laterz!

... I saved this post as a draft, but I now need to post it for its crucial to what happened yesterday. To avoid confusion, I came back to uxbridge on monday, Went shopping on tuesday and the dinner on wednesday.

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