Saturday, 14 May 2011

Knowing you shouldn't do something, and doing it anyway

You know sometimes, you know you shouldn't do something, and you still do it. That's what I do. I fell for Daniel. I knew the hurt and humiliation that I would bring upon myself and I did it anyway. Because I kid myself that he's worth it, not stopping to think about what I'm worth.

Was talking to Steve about our marriage pact. And he just drops the line

"yeah its void, coz its not worth beefing my family over"

I mean wtf? I wasn't even talking about it as if I was being serious! It was a time pass joke convo that I was having with him to act as a pick me up from the fact that I had to cut Daniel out of my life (eventually). And it turned into yet another fucking reminder about how I'm just not worth the trouble. The whole reason I'm trying to cut Daniel out is because I'm tired of feeling worthless, and someone else just comes along and chucks it in my face. Like wtf?

Helen's been so supportive over the past week. I love her so much and I thank fate for bringing her into my life. Without her, I don't think I would be so strong, and I would have crumbled and done so many things. She really worried me today though! She went and got in the car of some stranger that she met at her disney store interview who gave her a lift home. I don't usually go all psycho on her, actualy I never have but when I was going through my dark days period, I did something stupid like that. So I instinctually panicked. A guy who was mates with  a person I knew started cahtting to me. We talked like nearly everyday, and we agreed to meet up, and he picked me up in his car. And yet again I was doing something that I knew I shouldn't be doing. I shouldn't have even gone, but it was exciting to me at the time. I can't tell you what I was thinking then, because I don't know. I was a very different person with a very different mindset, not thinking about looking after myself. I didn't stick around long enough, before sense kicked in and told me to get out. I don't often think about that night, but when she told me about getting into his car, and she wasn't replying to my messages, those minutes seemed very very long. I think she's annoyed at me for telling her off so much, but I don't care at this moment, as long as she won't ever ever do it again. People are scary, you dont know what they'll do. I just worry really badly. I guess. Apparently he was a really good looking, Rav look a likey special constable from kingston uni looking to transfer to Brunel, so I'm sure he wasn't no serial killer rapist. But then that's what I thought about that guy I thought would be okay to meet him without teling anyone. If I could go back and meet thsat girl that I was then, I would slap her so hard and drag her by the hair and lock her in her room. Stupid me. Stupid Stupid me.

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