Monday, 23 May 2011

So freedom huh?!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. Much of it was because I have been revising for the past two weeks for those exams. I really feel like god has been answering my prayers in terms of these exams and I hope what little I have done will be enough to see me through the year. I really can't believe how much time I wasted and how I actually procrastinated to the very last moment for every exam. Where has my motivation gone?

Anyway they're done now! I could have blogged so many times but another reason I guess I've been putting it off is because of Daniel. I just want to forget him, he keeps playing these mind games that I can't deal with anymore. For instance, his exams finished before mine, and he came to see me and Sam on one of the days. And he wouldn't be left alone with me. Sam wanted to go out with his friends and Daniel insisted he come shopping with us. And Daniel was meant to come and take a look at the fuse box in our flat because the lights went out in the flat, and he said he would, but when Sam asked if he could be dropped off first, Daniel just dropped me to mine and that was that. Maybe it is my fault and he can see that I'm getting to clingy, but I do miss him when I haven't seen him or heard from him for like over a week. It's hard for me to hide such strong emotions. Which is why I want to just take a few days to forget him. But everytime I get on with it, he comes bak and he reminds me why I like him so much, and all his bad points r nothing compared to the way his presence makes everything okay. He called me after my last exam and said he was going to come see me, and he wanted my uni ID to get someone in, and when I told him I didn't have it he called me useless agn and said he'd get it off of someone else and said bye. I was out shopping with Helen at the time and she was like he calls u when he wants something. And in my head I was defending him because I know he feels like he needs an excuse to come see me if I'm out with Helen. But then no I was wrong and Helen was right like she always is because he didn't come anyway.

So yeah that's how deluded I got, to make excuses for him, so yeah need to stop. I jus didn't want to blog about it, because then it's so final isn't it?! But I'm over it now, I'm back to being able to see him as a friend at this distance. Starting again. I know that I will be there for him if ever needed me and I now accept that this isn't reciprocated, and if I ever needed him, he wouldn't be there. I can't rely on him. But I have myself. And Helen. I don't need anyone else.

Helen's been so amazing the past few days. I love her sooo much for everything she's done for me. She's always there for me, keeping me level headed, and I never anticipated getting on with her so well. Touch wood. When I realise daniel wasn't going to show, I felt so like annoyed. In a way it kind of reminded me of when my ex used to leave me like that and I irrationally felt lonely. But she was there and I just linked arms with her and gave her arm a squeeze. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her, but it wasn't the time or place, besides we were celebrating end of exams. Me and her have so many plans this week. Will blog about it as I go. Must also thank my little sister and best friend Nirvana!! (Lol) for the amazing girl she is, and accidentally stumbling across my blog and knowing it was me! If it wasn't for her along with loads of other reminders creeping around I would have put this off longer.

Just on the train back to uxbridge. Think mum and dad might let me stay here for a couple months longer, so just have to find a job in that time. Felt bad though coming home today because my grandparents are staying with my aunt in croydon and dads working night shift, so mum's home alone. I so badly wanted to stay, but If I stay they won't let me go back easily. I stayed yesterday night anyway. I'll figure something out for mum. I'm going to get a job in uxbridge so I can quit primark and spend friday weekend and monday with them :S
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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