Saturday, 25 June 2011

Catch up and a sneak preview

So, yeah, I kind of spent a whole week in hibernation. After our heart-to-heart in our hotel room, I had to spend a whole week of being by myself, because Helen was going to stay at Norman's or whatever for work. It reminded me of when I was going through my "dark days" and trying to get over my ex. I literally slept for like the whole week, and if I weren't sleeping I was napping on the sofa with E4. I just had this feeling of numbness you know? That pain that I had unleashed was hard to cage back in. I guess the point when I realised I need to come out of it was when Daniel finally called out of the blue.

He had called a couple of times a couple of weeks before that. The first time he called I was with my ExBf. I mean it is just like God to do that though. So typical of him. I could have waited ages for him to call, and then I finally come to terms that I need to stop being a needy cow and get on with my life, THATS when he calls. It was weird, because I had spent the day out with Bernard. It was nice because we went to Camden town and sat by the river and ate our quasdilla. Bernard is really fun to be around. He makes me smile, but he's not someone I could be with. He has ambition and all that but he;s still on his ex and its all just too complicated. Being with him on the train and how easily I fit beside him when the it got crowded, the way his arms were around me in a protective manner, it was nice, but it made me miss my Exbf so badly. That's how I ended up with him, because I ended up going back to east london with Bernard, and my ex was around so he agreed to meet up with me. We were sitting in his car, him feeling rather smug, when Daniel calls. He was at work, but he seemed like he wanted to meet up. I went back to my ex after tht phonecall was over and asked him to drop me to the station. Talking to Daniel reminded me at that moment, what I wanted, and it wasn't a guy like my Ex. Naturally, eventhough I went back, I didn't end up meeting Daniel, but that was expected what with me being with my ex just previously and all, it was bound to get jinxed.

Anyway so since that day I hadn't heard from him. A whole two weeks later, and he comes back to pull me from this dark hole. I wonder if he'll ever know just how much he's helped change my life, how much he's made me stick to my new rules. It was awkward talking to him on the phone again, it was like I didn't know how to hold a conversation, it had been so long since I had talked to anyone before he called. After that I started doing things again. Eating, going out for some fresh air etc. I think his call came on a Thursday. By  monday I had gone to get my nails done. It was easier to pick myself up again this time.

I spent monday morning with my ExBf. I know what your thinking? WTF are u doing right? But you don't understand. After everything that's happened, especially that stuff with Dave, I can't help but think that maybe, I dont deserve a good guy. Maybe my Ex is as good as it is ever going to get you know? He isn't all that bad. So he doesn't do the things a normal boyfriend would do. He doesn't love me and he will never ever be the romantic type of guy that I crave. But atleast I can love him. And he does care about me. It's better than nothing right? Least this was what I'm telling myself when I'm feeling low and lonely. So yeah I went to his on Monday, and he got on my nerves, and we argued ALOT, and then we made up, and sat on the sofa and watched TV and ate food and had a laugh like we always do.

So fake. So superficial. So easy.

And guess who calls me when I'm with him again. Why, Daniel of course. Sometimes, I just think God is playing a really cruel cruel trick on me. I didn't even answer this time, knowing that he would be annoyed if he knew I was out again. I called him back on the train, but he didn't answer. I told him to ring me once he was free on BBM, and he said he wuld but he never got round to it that day. That Monday I got home I was home alone again. Helen came back on Tuesday, but I had nothing much to say to her. I hadn't missed her company, but I was glad she was there. It forced me to stop moping. Daniel came to see me on Wednesday. It was nice to finally see him after so long, and I was surprised just how easy it was for us to get on. Conversation was still easy with us. Its funny, because coming to the end of our exams and he was scared to be alone with me, and now he's fine. And I'm fine too, I've sort of come to terms with this whole just friends nothing ever ever ever more thing 100% thing now. Funny because a friend of Helen's is n the same friends circle as Daniel and his lot. She told Helen that he's been with her for a very long time, and his girlfriend was like the nicest girl, the type of girl that every guy wanted but no-one could get. I can understand why he wanted her so bad now. Daniel loves a challenge. I understand now what he means by her being a girl like no other. Also weird that he would lie to me about how long they've been going out. I was under the impression he met her in a club.

Anyhoo, Dave talked to me yesterday. They've all gone to switzerland, and he's talking to me like nothings happened. It's so frustrating, because I know I have to cut him out of my life like Helen said. But at the same time I wish I never told her now, because it would be so much easier to pretend along with him and forget. Then we could go on like normal. But then I thought about it, I wouldn't let him be alone with Helen ever, in case he makes a habit of being a total dickhead. I wouldn't trust him at all, and I'd end up making snide remarks, until I had it out with him and asked him why. And what's the point? What's done is done. I just wish I had handled it better. Whatever.

Daniel's having his birthday do in the next couple of weeks. He wanted me to organise a theme park road trip, but apparently he changed his mind and didn't tell me, because he BBM'd me last night asking if I was free on the 3rd to go to Cornwall. If I had actually planned his bloody road trip I would have been really pissed, but actually I'm kind of relieved, because one I hadn't done shit all to organise for it and two, it would be rather awkward organising something his girlfriend or he himself should have done. So yeah least all I have to do now is turn up. Which I may not even do, because the only people going apparently are him and his girlfriend, three other boys and me. and maybe one other girl. And if the two girls know eachother then you know, I'm going to be totally screwed. You know what I'm like. I don't do girls and their cliques. Maybe me and his girlfriend might actually get along provided he hasn't told her every little detail of my feelings for him. Am I just being self-destructive going to cornwall with them? And wtf do I wear?? FML, and it's a sunday so I would have to call in sick at work and lie to family and think up on a really good reason as to why I have to be in Uxbridge a day early. :S I guess I'll just double-check who's definelty going before I decide.

On the upside, this Thursday I'm going Birmingham with Greg! Should be so much fun. And Helen should be back at the Flat this week. Maybe I can finally get over my aversion to her. It's frustrting coz I love her soo much, but I feel bitterness towards her and I just can't help it. Maybe it's because she's got everything I want, a person to love, and someone to stop her feeling lonely. I don't know, I just have nothing to say to her anymore. Being around her, makes me realise just how much of a stranger I am to myself. She just comes home and cleans, like I've left the flat in some disgusting mess, which I actually haven't. So it isn't clean to her OCD levels. It's still neat. Gosh, what the hell is wrong with me?? I need to stop being such a moody cow! Maybe slaving away at Primark tomorrow will help put things into perspective eh?

No comments:

Post a Comment