Wednesday, 22 June 2011

No More Running Away.

I've kind of been avoiding writing about my whats going on in my life for a while. I left my recall of what had happened like last week jus unfinished. It's because up until that point I was really happy. Things were pretty much perfect, and I didn't want my amazing week to end. Only something really bad happened at the very end of that week. I know I promised to be truthful and honest here, but even being anonymous and what not, I can't quite write about it. Like it's too painful, and writing about it means I have to write about certain people's intentions and I may have to face harsh truths. I know I'm lying to myself, but at the moment these lies are hlping to protect me. In my own time one day I may be able to write about it, and be strong enough to deal with something that I never thought I would have to in my life.

So yeah something happened, and I totally went into seperating the people involved as good and evil in my head, and for the whole time I was at home I had managed to convince myself that it wasn't as bad as it seemed and even started develop a very blase nonchalant attitude about it all. Sunday was when me and Helen were to go into London and stay at Regent's Park Marriot Hotel. On our way there, she talked some more about her problems with Norman, which we discussed extensively until she had solved the solutions. Then as naturally as she told me her problems I told her mine. See the thing was there was moments at night or when I had thought too much when I was on my own, telling her that I needed to talk to her, knowing that it provided a guarantee that would deal with it, just not then. I had planned to tell her after our trip into London, I didn't want to ruin that with my horror. But as we were walking around Swiss Cottage trying to find this hotel, she asked me. I told her that I would tell her on Tuesday, but she wasn't having any of it. So I told her. I had expected to break down then, as I told her what had happened. But I didn't. And I heard my own voice.It was so normal, I could have been talking about the weather. It also surprised me just how I felt no need to hold back. Maybe I should have. It was only when we got to the hotel room, that she sat me down and made me face the fact that the involved person, good and bad (as i had seperated), was the same person I had trusted for 6, 7 years of my life. Literally trusted with my life, and was someone I trusted to look after me and someone I considered a very good friend. That's when I broke down. And it wasn't like when I broke up with my ex (which was the worst type of pain I felt so far in my life) type of pain. No, this pain was different, raw and attacking, like a virus. So much was going through my head like. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe that my friend, one who I love and cherish did this. I can;t believe that I must never see this person again. I can't believe I'm losing yet another person out of my life. And then I felt anger like no other. Helen made me come to terms with what had happened, and stopped me from running away from it, by asking me what I would say to her if the same thing was happening to her. How someone could do that, it's just so twisted. Then anger at God, wandering why he kept doing this to me, why he kept bringing people into my life only to have to push them out. That was hardest for me, people never left. If they left then it would be easier for me to just deal with it. But He always brings people into my life who do bad things, or things that mean I have to make them leave, because that's what will be better for me. Look at Daniel. What was the point of bringing him into my life? He knew I would fall for him. So what was the point? He won't give me him. What about my ExBF, what was the point of him? Even now he refuses to leave, he is forever promising to start putting things right, but God always makesure he is too busy to keep those promises. Why can't he just leave? And as I write this I understand that then it would all be too easy. I just hope that he gives me more strength some time soon, because if he brings into my life another person, only to make me want to push them away from me again, I might just crack.

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