Friday, 17 June 2011

Re-awakenings

I haven't written in a while, probably because I have had so much to write about. So much irrelevance. And then soo much happened, that not writing about it was easier. But I forget how much easier it is for me when my thoughts are written out and organised out here. I feel like I ramble a lot though. Sorry if I do. Here goes. I'm going to write this post a bit differently this time, kind of walk you guys through it instead of just you know summarising. It was the best and worst week for a very long time and a lot has happened. Shouldn't really hold back right. Promised to be honest and all that. Right...

It's Monday, and I'm making my way back to the flat, thinking about just how not lonely I'm going to feel this week. I was on such a high about being happy and all that, and I hadn't quite picked myself up from that drop. This week was going to be the week that I put it right. Soon as I got home, I got changed and left to meet my best friend Gregory at Carnaby Street. I hadn't seen him in forever. I walked out of Oxford Circus Station, got carried by people in the opposite direction to where I should have been going, before finding my feet and barging my way to where I saw him waiting for me with a rather amused look on his face. God I had missed him so much. To go from seeing his laughing face everyday to less than once a month? I should not have let it get this long before I saw him again. I gave him the biggest and longest hug, and such is his presence, that we did not get swept away by the commuting ravages. Our embrace was like a statue made out of cement, symbolic and historic. Being with Greg is easy, laughing is natural and conversation is easier than breathing. Literally! stories were spilling out of me so fast I had to catch my breath. We went to a bar in Carnaby street, where, by the way, I found them most amazing shoe shop! By the time we had caught each other up on our lives and bitched about various unnecessary beings, we had had four cocktails and a Jaeger-bomb each. So basically when I left that place I was really and truly drunk. You know what a lightweight I am. I knew Greg would look after me so I allowed myself to let go and enjoy itl Being drunk with him is soo much fun, he's so easy going, non-judgemental and just generally fun to be around. At some point he called Helen, because there was no way he was going to let me get on a train by myself in my condition. I remember scoffing at his suggestion that she came down to Oxford Circus on her own at nearly nine pm on th train. But then I forgot that Norman was in Amsterdam and was very surprised to say the least that she did actually come. By the time she reached us, the Nando's had soaked up the drink and I was pretty much on my way to being sober. Which didn't really upset me as short-lived as it was because Greg is fun sober or not. Monday was my best night of the week. My two best friends hit it off straight away and we merged Helen into mine and Greg's in-jokes that, heard from the outside, would just be downright weird and rather creepy.

I had so much fun with the two of them, listening to them swapping stories about me mostly, but how easily we all fit. Greg should just move in with us. We went to some bar in Shaftesbury Avenue and bought more cocktails. By the end of the night I was very much sloshied and ready to go home and have a nice long pee.

Tuesday was also a good day. My cousin Cassie was coming to stay. She and I always usd to have sleepovers when we was younger and got along great. We kind of distanced when she went through a rough patch with one of her exes, and it's only been recently that we've started talking on BBM again that we've got close. So yeah Henry (my high school sweetheart, now just-a-friend guy, occasional sex buddy), Dave, also my friend since secondary school and Henry's best friend to the point of being inseperable, and their two mates including work boy (who I kissed on my birthday - see my first ever post) were supposed to come out with us tonight. Unfortunately, Dave had work so he had to cancel, so it was just going to be me Cassie and Helen. I didn't mind, except Helen was feeling guilty about drinking yesterday, so she was trying to be all good, since her last drunk episode (Norman was being uber control freak strict, pulling his no drinking ever crap again), And Cassie was moaning about her heels. Usually Cassie is so stylish and I used to look up to her so much. She used to put on all this make-up just to go to the shops, and when I was little I'd ask her why she did that, and she's say that it was because you'd never know who you would meet. And now couple of years on, and she decides to come to Funky Buddha a club in Mayfair in a Primark Dress and JEGGINGS with these heels she can barely walk in and a cardigan that should have just been cut up into strips to be used later as bedding for the hamsters. She is so pretty and it was like she had dressed down on purpose. (¬_¬) Anyway with the lack of drink for Helen, I could tell her slow pace, and constant whingeing about her heels was testing Helen's patience, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

We got to the club, and the boys called to say that they would meet us at the flat when we got home, so it definetly would be just us gils at the club tonight. Cassie didn't seem best pleased that it was just the three of us, but there wasn't much that I could do about it now. Anyway we fimally made it to the club, and walking I can see that tonght its oozing with sugar daddies. Don't get me wrong Funky Buddha isn't sleazy, its a celebrity hotspot and very very expensive. My student night outs had not prepared me for the £12 a drink that welcomed me at this club. It was very well that Helen wasn't drinking because I certainly would not have been able to afford to get drunk with her.So I walked in, and the atmosphere was not like usual clubbing nights, where students turn into animals, drunk and each determined to have a wild night. People were here to splash cash and enjoy their night. I scanned the crowds and my eyes caught the gaze of another indian looking bloke. And boy did I like what I saw. Nice jaw line, strong arms,  perfect swept to the side hair, not too short, not too tall. He was with his bunch of friends and unwillingly I tore my eyes away from his to engage in conversation with Cassie and Helen, trying to make this night flow more smoothly. As we made our way through to the dancefloor (which was mighty small, there was hardly any room for me to "put my hands in the air" when Chris Brown's yeah 3x song came on), I could tell Cassie was going to be the uncomfortable make this awkward for everyone, while she stood there swaying. I mean yeah I got it, her feet!, but atleast Helen was having fun, letting go and really enjoying the music and dancing the night away. I felt bad for Cassie, but I joined Helen in her zone. After a while I noticed hot asian bloke standing by the DJ in the VIP area, watching ME. I mean here I was standing next to Helen and Cassie, two very very beautiful girls that had very big personalities and me standing in their shadows, and he only had eyes for me. At first I thought I was imagining it, but he really and truly was watching me. I finally came to the conclusion that we were indeed having - The Eye-Sex. I still hundred percent couldn't believe it, but when I looked up again after, he smiled at MEE! he smiled at me!!!!!! And he looked so awfully familiar, which was like 10% of the reason why I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was seriously considering going up to him and kissing him and then legging it, but I was too damn chicken. And I don't think the other two would have approved. He was soo gorgeous. He walked past me twice when he got drinks from the bar, and I should have taken my chance then, but like I said... Chicken. He had the most piercing eyes. Siiiiiiiggh. Anyway, after hours of dancing, Cassie finally had had enough, and she went to "sit down". I could tell she wasn;t having fun so after two more songs, me and Helen left to find her and we left the club. And I left behind my beautiful jaw-face-perfect-arms stranger. I could really tell Helen was not happy Cassie for cutting short her dancing time, but I knew we had to get going for the boys would be at my place soon anyway, and I didn't want to keep them waiting.

After sitting outside the club for like 20 mintues, while Cassie "rested" her feet and me wishing, (actually begging fate or whatever) for the stranger to come out, we hobbled with Cassie to the Taxi and then to the nearest bus stop where our night bus would come and take us home. At the bus stop we met the most nicest American dude, who really took to Helen, as men do. She's so beautiful guys would fall at her feet and kill for her. The night bus journey home was probably the most enjoyable, with all the people travelling back home from a good night out, conversation flowed easily with others. We laughed so much at the man that picked onthe American boy and the guys that fell in love with Helen. I just found it hard to keep my mind off of the fitty from the club.

We finally got home, and we met the boys at the flat. It was good to have them round after so long. I could tell they were slightly drunk, that topped off with uberly tired. Cassie went straightto bed befause she had work the next day. She was being uber anti-social, but she finally got into bed and went to sleep. Helen was surprisingly much more social with my friends, possibly because they had been previously Norman approved and it was nice to see just how easily she got along with them. She went off to bed soon after too. The boys and I played cards until the sun came up before they crashed onthe couch and i went to sleep with Helen in her room.

The next morning I woke up really suddenly, because I thought I was late to drop Cassie of to the station. She was up and getting ready, and Henry had gotten up too. Probably couldn't sleep with Dave snoring away. Anyway me and him went to drop her off to the station in the car. When we got back to the flat, we both decided it would be in his best to sleep with me should he want some rest. It's not weird or tense like usually when me and Henry lie together. It's just like when I lie with Helen, unless he's feeling like being the other Henry I know. I turned to him, and he had his arm around me, and I knew what he was going to be like. He came to kiss me, and I kissed him back momentarily. My side of wanting him from so long before always gets me the first time. But for once, I knew this was not what I wanted. I stopped him, and told him that I couldn't be that girl for him anymore. Thing with Henry is that I could be totally honest, knowing that he would understand. We had a final long kiss, when we heard Dave getting up and looking for Henry. He came into my room and literally jumped into bed, and we all fell about laughing when he nearly bounced right back off. After just a few moments of being wedged between the two I was sweltering and feeling slightly claustrophobic, so I got up to sleep on the sofa.

While I drifted into sleep, a sudden realistion came to me. Tge fitty from the club was Stephen Uppal, the boxer from Hollyoaks, aka Ravi Roy. I couldn't believe it was him, so when everyone was awake, I googled him and asked Helen, and she was like it's him for sure! It was a relief, because celebrity's are easy to find than a nobody. Maybe all hope isn't lost eh? Anyway me Dave and Henry went to sainsbury's to get food for out barbecue, but because it was raining we settled for a Big breakfast fry up barbecue mash up. It was weird because when we went shopping Dave had to stay in the car, and so it was just me and Henry. And he was holding my hand and holding the basket whilst we walked through the isles and I was picking out the items and he was taking it from me. I know better than to read to much into those actions though. And it's better not to complicate things and start talking about feelings and shit because it gets us nowhere. Years of experience there. We finally got home and we went to put the shopping in the fridge when me and Henry were found to be left alone yet again. I was looking out of the window at the rain. I turned around about to exclaim that the rain had stopped when I found he was right behind me. His arms wound around my waist and he was looking at me with such intensity. He leaned down to kiss me and I didn't fight the urge to kiss him back this time. I was pretty damn sure, that one of the other boys had walked in on us. But if he did he didn't say anything.

When  I was getting ready to go out, Henry came in, taking our earlier kiss as an indication of the retraction of what I had told them earlier. He crossed the room in less than two strides, my face was in his hands and he was kissing me so passionately, holding my body against his. In between his kisses I told him that we weren't doing this, and I managed to step back from him. He stopped, asking almost insisting that I wanted this. I pushed him away then, hand on his chest pushing him away, telling him that I meant it. Confident. I was so proud of me, finally, after all these years, not settling for this. Knowing I deserved better and more. I finally said no to Henry after all these years. I asked him to leave my room and he did. I took a deep breath marvelling in my new found power and confidence. My eye was on the prize. True love. And I wasn't letting it out of my sight. And I wasn't going to let anyone stand in the way, not even Henry, who I have loved so much for so long.

After dinner, Henry went to shower, and Helen was napping. Me and the rest of the boys sll decided to play truth or dare. It was rather funny, especially when Dave had to lick chocolate sauce from the back of my hand (it was meant to be somewhere like my thigh or something, but I was the only girl so they made exceptions for me). Anyway after we went bowling, and the other two boys wanted to go home after. It was kind of weird, because since I said no to Henry, he was kind of keeping his distance. And Dave and Helen was really getting along. She gets on with anyone so much more easier than I do. I do envy her that, just how easily people seek her attention, expecially when I feel like I'm just trying too hard. Anyway I caught Helen up on the situation between me and Henry when we went to get hotdogs, and she just reaffirmed my own ideas.

We went back to the flat after the boys got Pizza to eat for dinner. Helen was so tired, she went straight to bed. I was really knackered too, having not slept properly since monday night hardly on tuesday night, but I wasn't going to go straight to bed, because the boys were going to leave soon, and I really didn't want them to go. I wanted to make the most of every minute I had left with them, soaking up all the company for when I would be left alone again.

I'll write part two of this later...

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