Friday, 22 July 2011

Another Failed Superman

So me and Bernard had continued to get even closer. That next day after I had met Daniel and finally let go of him, me and Bernard talked all night. And it felt so good to be wanted again, and he told me that he liked me and that he would at some point want me and him to be together. He was mad at me because I had refused to go to his house when I said I would on Friday morning. (He had been constantly going on at me to go to his house and meet his mum, even though I was really uncomfortable with it). I know it was really bad of me to say that I would go, and then bacj out, but I had other obligations at home that meant I couldn't really keep to my word. And I kind of didn't want to anyway. But yeah he told me liked me that night, and how much I have taken him by surprise, personality and attitude wise. He keeps telling me he likes my legs but he also tells me that I'm an amazing girl, beautiful but intellectual. And I love how much he appreciates my thoughts and ideas. My exBf never ever liked to talk about stuff like that, it really ticked him off when I tried to explain it to him, and I learnt pretty quickly to give up there. We'd get as far as, so your grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses and your parents are Hindu, so are you half Christian??  Smh.

Anyway, he went on to tell me that the day we went to King's Cross, he felt the urge to kiss me when we were sitting together on the train. And I recognised that moment too. And I avoided it. He asked me how I felt, and I told him, that he was such an amazing guy. He is so different from all the other guys I met. I like how he's shy and really nervous when we first meet up, and how scared he his to put his hand through mine, and I like how quickly his confidence grows once he's got my hand in his. I like how proud he feels to have me in his arms, and I found myself feeling proud of him. He's really witty and funny and makes me laugh at the most stupidest of times. He has aspirations to get somewhere, and be someone. He wants to have a relationship one that is long term and with someone he can really commit to. He wants to get married and have kids early like me :) Have our own little house and everything. I could love him with all my heart and make him as happy as he makes me. But then I also told him, that we still have baggage; I have my ex and he has his ex and my ex best friend who almost positively likes him. In addition to all of that, a relationship right now, is that what I really want? Is he the superman I have been so anxiously waiting for? When I told him all my concerns he was like "Oh, bw, you know I'm not like asking you out or anything yeah, I'm just telling you what's on my mind" - and then my reply is me going "OH yeah, I'm just telling you whats on mine. I know your not asking me out. Gosh. Silly" While in my head I'm like FML cringe cringe cringe.

We've talked pretty much every night after that. I have since met his mum, AT his house, which was very uncomfortable. His mum was very military like formal. You know those indian police women that you get - yeah she reminded me of one of them. She was asking about my family and trying to decipher who's daughter I was. She's bound to know someone in my family. All the more reason to why I shouldn't have been there in the first place. But she was civil, and I was sure not to make the same mistakes I made with my Ex's mum and not try pretend that she's not there.We sat in his room most of the time playing DJ Hero, which he loves, and he taught me how to play, with his arms wrapped around me, guiding my fingers to press the buttons at the right moment. Then we played a bit of blackjack and I beat him like 3 times but we did the all or nothing game and he won it, so technically he won. He gave me his spare Ipod touch, which doesn't quite work with my headphones :( gutted, but maybe possibly can be fixed. We ended it with watching the first 10 minutes of limitless and putting it on a usb so I could watch it at home. He was so sweet, because at one point he had taken both my feet in his hands like cradling them and out them on his lap. He's so tall and gentle and amazing. Most widest smile he has too :)

We talked some more that night about us, and all the people who would probably give us a hard time for dating. I know my ex bestfriend certainly is going to hate me. When I explained it to him, he reassured me that nothing was going to take him away from me, and that he couldn't let someone else's bad mind stand in the way of me and him. And then he does this crazy thing where he remembers every little thing I've ever told him, and he'll quote it back to me and I can't even remember have telling him that stuff and it just drives me insane that he catches me by surprise everytime. He tells me that I'm easy to read. Yesterday he and I went to watch Harry Potter: Deathly Hallows part II together. It was awkward at first, like it usually is so formal, but by the time we were in teh cinema he had hold of my hand, and when he sat down he had his arm around me and he by the end of the movie, I was literally so warm in his arms and his fingers were circling my palm and my wrists. It's easy for me to be comfortable with him.

Then when we were going home, and waiting on the platform at Mile End Station, I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I saw the resolution in his eyes, and I looked away, cringeing away from the situation and hoping that it wouldn't happen. I just have such a perfect image of how my first kiss with superman would be and I imagine it to be so perfect, and I clam up when I'm in the situation because I know it isn't right and I know I'm not ready. He told me that night how easy it was for him to read me. He told me he saw how my shoulders hunched over and how I lost my train of though, how I changed the conversation into something superficial. He asked me why. I couldn't explain. Then it all moved on to sex. The thing about him is that he likes to know how everything will pan out. Like he asked me beforehand if it was okay to kiss me, which is respectful, but it takes away all the risk and exciteness from it. And yesterday night he started talking about sex, and asking how many guys I had slept with since my ex, and how far me and my Ex had gone. I was honest about that (nothing to hide there, me and him had been going out for over 5 years), but I couldn't give him a straight answer to his first question, since I didn't know if he had meant "how many guys did u actually sleep with" or "how many guys have u slept with because you wanted to."

I was quite shocked when I tried to set him straight, in that I told him that we wouldn't be doing stuff like that until we were properly going out for a long time (buys me some time to get used to it all again). He replied with well we are pretty much set in stone, you even met my mum for god's sake. And I was just like WTH? If he was so sure about me why hadn't he asked me out yet? I asked him and he was like because he wanted to be one hundred percent sure about me before he did, but apparently sleeping with me before hand was okay. I was so very shocked. I didn't want to ever ever do it again in my life, and here he is demanding it from me to be sooner rather than later. I expained to him my reasons (those that I could tell him anyway) that I wasn't going to sleep with him until I was as sure about him as he was enough sure about me to make me his girfriend. He asked why, and me being honest told that end of the day he was a guy at the end of the day, and I have to protect myself first. He got quite pissed off at that comment, asking if I didn't trust him blah blah blah. But I see through all this shit now, I just get the feeling he's manipulating me. He went back to try and talk more about sex, and how it would be when me and him finally got round to doing it. I don't think I wanted to hear it because I fell asleep on the phone to him. Sometimes I reckon I escape from the things I really want to run away from by sleeping. It's a different type of tiredness, one that makes me drift and dream straight away about whatever last snippet I've heard of the conversation, one that I cannot avoid, and one I seek for major comfort and protection. That nights sleep will be the best ever I have, but usually a worser day will follow.

I felt bad about falling asleep on him yesterday night, so after I took my grandma to the hospital and grocery shopping I went round to his. I bbm'd him and asked him who was at home and he said no-one. So I said I would go round to drop off his USB, chill a bit before he went to work. I went over and turns out he was chatting shit about no-one being at home because his Mum was at home. I asked him why he said no-one was there and he goes he had just woken up and didn't know. I went in and said hi, and she was all yeah I know your grandad. Wahey for you then. It was almost threatening, and I really hated going upto his room after that conversation. Then we were just chilling, and he kept closing the door to his room, which I thought was really weird because like he'd gone on about how he doesn't want me to be in his house when his mum isn't there and how he would have to keep the door open when she is. And now he's all shutting there door when I'm there and he's just setting a bad impression of me. I let it all that go, and then when we were sitting (in his very small room, u have no choice but to sit on his bed) and I can't even remember what we were doing, but suddenly we were kissing. And it wasn't like how I expected it to be at all, it was a nice kiss, something new but also familiar. I loved the way his lips traced down to the nape of my neck. He pulled me on top of him and went to lie down. But I noticed I didn't feel the pull towards him. The urgency to want him, like I did that night with Daniel. Shouldn't I want to feel a desire for my partner like no other? Maybe my ideal partner is too fantasy like, non-existant. What could I compromise?

I asked him who was at home, since his mum had just left for work a few moments ago, and he was like no-ones at home. I knew he was lying. He kissed me some more. He wanted me to get under the covers with him, but I really didn't want to be found in bed with him, there's not a lot of space in his room, to like quickly jump out without one of us being seriously hurt. And I didn't want to "get underneath the covers". Why did he have to be so pushy. He dropped the "just trust me" line on me again. I told him no. He wasn't very happy about that. I changed the subject. I asked him again if anyone was at home, and he said no again.
"What about your sisters?"
"School" I was sure it was holidays. I had heard his mum talk to his sister earlier. I had seen her walk past his room.
"But it's the holidays isn't it?"
"Yeah, she's got half day today"
"So when will she get home?"
"At one" - we carried on kissing for a little bit longer. His hands were moving up my skirt, but I pulled his hand away. Holding onto them, so I knew exactly where they were. Then we heard someone walk around outside his room.
"I thought she weren't coming home till 1?"
"Oh I thought she had left with my mum"
"I don't like being lied to. Pinky promise you had no idea she was here"

He pinky promised. He lied. He's gone.

I knew from that moment on that this wasn't going to work so I dug my heels in a little deeper into the moment. I am so upset that I had gotten so excited about this, but it had fallen through. I think deep down I knew he wasn't my superman, eventhough he does claim to be Sooperman. I think my mind didn't want to register this shit when I was having that moment with him, but from then my other side came back, and I was just enjoying the moment, not caring how much it would hurt me later. Then I decided to leave like 5 minutes later. I hugged him hoping that I was strong enough to let it be the last time. He was different too, after the kiss, I guess he was still annoyed that I didn't "trust him" enough to go under the covers. His sister was watching T.V. in the living room and I went in to say hi. She barely looked at me and gave a I don't give a flying fuck about you get out of my house vibe. He pratically pushed me out the door.

He bbm'd me later saying that his sister was a hard person to please. I wasn't trying to fucking please her. Some manners though would have been greatly appreciated.

Sometimes I wander what the fuck is the point. I should have gone with my instinct from the right off and not even gone along with this. Also slightly curious as to why so many boys I talk to these days refer to themselves as superman.

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