Thursday, 7 July 2011

Bye Helen :(

Helen's gone on holiday for a week in Spain with Norman and his famo. She spending the next week with him and work and the week after too I think. I don't know the tchnicalities of it I couldn't really follow when she was telling me it all. I don't know I'm just contemplating being at the flat on my own for the next three weeks solid. Like usually, I'll be like yeah she'll be back at some point this week, and I'll just keep going til she came back, but three weeks?! Wtf am I going to do in this stupid place? No-one to talk to, nothing to do. Even running might end up being something I end up giving up, and I don't want to have to let myself down. I'm really going to miss not having her around for all this time. Mostly I'm afraid of the stretch of lonlieness that is set out ahead of me. It's so daunting. Maybe I'll invite Greg over or meet up with all my east london friends next week. That would be good. I really want to go home, spend the time with my parents and maybe even my grandparents. But I'm afraid that if I do go back home, I wont be allowed come back to the life I have right now. If I go back home, then it would be more on a permanent scale. I don't know, lately things with Helen have been a bit distant, but I know tht things with us will always be solid. I know that as soon as she gets back, and we settle into routine at the flat, the whole distance thing will disappear. But if I move back home, will it be more difficult to bring us back to normal? No, I reckon I'm just overthinking things. Helen's been liek the most amazing friend I've ever had in like my whole life (touch wood). Our friendship is mutual and I really don't think this will come between us, provided that I do keep busy the next couple of weeks so time goes by quicker.

Turns out she did notice the whole "aversion" thing I had towards her. I explained everything to her. No point trying to sugar coat it and pretend all is okay, if she's seen through it anyway. I just wanted her to understand that it wasn't her fault, and that I really don't want her to feel guilty for anything, and there's nothing more that she could do. I felt like I was just reciting the Lover and Friends post. I think I eased her mind a lot more about it all, so hopefully I won't be in the back of her mind. I was right about her feeling torn between me and Norman, and for me to just let her know that I would never ask her to choose between the two of us etc was a huge relief for me. I hated having to chose between my boyfriend and my mates and I don't want to have to lose her because she feels she has to. It's unnecessary and the most stupid reason to lose a friend.

Anyhoo, Helen told me that she was inspired by me keeping a blog, and so she started her own little journal thing. I am curious to know what she's written in it. I wander if she's curious about what I write here. Sometimes I get te feeling she knows where to find my blog, and that she reads it, because sometimes she says things and its like my own words shes throwing back at me.

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