Thursday, 14 July 2011

I Don't Know What It Is About Home, But It All Happens Here

So yesterday I had an interview with this company that recruits people to be extras in tv and adverts and shizz. Got an interview, and I didn't think it would be a legit agency so I didn't really take it seriously. Because most of my clothes are still at Uxbridge, I had a choice of two outfits, and since it was raining I settled for my Jeans top and Red Jacket outfit. I was meant to leave, meet Bernard and go to Uxbridge, go Doctors (Because the day before I went running and had to stop before I even did one lap of the park because I had really bad chest pains that persisted all throughout the day and made it difficult to breath), go get changed and then go to my interview. I got to the station to top-up my oyster when my card is declined. Im on my last £10 before I'm totally penniless, and it's already somehow gone! Like HOW!? Bernard came to the station, and I told him about my situationand how since w had no time and n money to get to Uxbidge we had to settle on going elsewhere. We ended up going to Westfield and sitting by the window and eating our Cookies from Millie's Cookies. (So *Mmmmmmm* btw). We talked about stuff for ages, like about school, and how he used to think of me in my "rude girl" days, and how we got reconnected recently.

Let me tell you about him. He's from the same part of India that my parents come from and at school he was always someone I never really quite noticed. We got along, that much is for sure, and I don;t think I ever was mean to him. There was just something about his chubby cheeks and the way when he smiles that made him look so cute and adorable. Ofcourse since then he's lost the glasses, gone REALLY tall and lost some of that cuteness and in its place is this sort of ruggedness. When we were all in year 11 I tried to set my best friend up with him, but she thought she was too good for him. Who is also back on the scene with him and is sort of on it with him. And he does seem to have something there on top of which he's still in touch with his ex so its better to not get involved with him in that way. Or so thats what I thought when we were sitting in there and talking, and he was reffering to me as a friend and telling me that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, or believing in love.

I don't know. Anyway, we had to make our way to Kings Cross for my interview and when we were on the train he had his arm around my waist, to "stop me from falling" just like how he was last time we met. And it was nice, in his arms without it turning awkward and just laughing, as if him having his arm around me was the most normal and natural thing in the world. And I want it to be, so, so badly but it isn't. I could be attracted to him and I could be with him, but why? Because he's the only one available? He's worth so much more than that. He deserves a girl that will be with him because she really and truly loved him with all her heart. Not because it was convenient. But when I was sitting next to him on the train, being with him seemed like the most natural thing in the world, and I wanted to be there. Or atleast I think I do. I don't know I'm so confused about my feelings towards him. I told myself that my next superman wouldn't just be anyone, and that he would be perfect for me. Someone that I knew I wanted to be with more than anything else in the world. And for the beginning of all this I wanted Daniel for so long, and now here he is, so out of the blue, unexpected and perfect. I don't know what to make of it.

I felt he got a bit weird when I told him about the whole interview, and the fact that they might call me back. He got all short with me, and to be honest, I was quite relieved I've kind of gotten used to being by myself. And if he's put off of me over something thats just so dumb, then that ain't my problem. And he's been getting really pushy for me to go round tp his house and meet his mum. I mean I met his aunts before, but that was because he was in Romford and you know we met up as mates and it wasn't so meh. I really don't want to go round to his house and meet his mum. It'd just all so committing, and kinda roping me in like. And I don't want people to start talking, and what's his mum going to think, Indian girl going round to a guys house. I don't know. It's all so not what I want to do now. I asked him how his mum would feel if she found out her duaghters were going round some guy's house, and he was blabbering on about how his mum trusts them all to do right by her, but to be honest, its one rule for guys and another for girls in this world.

Anyway talked to Daniel on the way home. Well actually we had a series of miss calling eachother, before we settled on talking. This was the first time I talked to him about since the whole Cornwall incident. I didn't really mention anything about it, and just asked about his new job and his life. The conversation fizzled out pretty damn quick and I didn't pursue it further. Couple of hours later he's bbming going "du wana fuck". I just sometimes find him really rude and disrespectful, like before anything, I am his friend first. Just because he's havign some rocky patch with his stupid girlfriend because he's a weird control freak and can't stand her "defying" him, does not give him the right to move to me like that as if he has the right. I was really annoyed, but I didn't let him know I was. I know that that's his way of telling me something is wrong and he needs to vent about it. He can pretend he dont care and shizz, but he's only kidding himself there because I see right through it. And the boy who wouldn't love admitted to me he's fallen in love. He was all talking about wanting out, but not being able to take his heart out. It was funny because when he was talking bout wanting to sleep with other girls "to teach her a lesson" (I know it makes no sense to me either) the tables turned. I told him that one of the reasons I respected him was because he didn't sleep around with other girls when he was in a relationship. And it is the god honest truth, like when we had our lunch in Frankies and Benny's and he set me straight about how I should be me. Then he changed his tone about how badly he wants to sleep around and how he so wouldn't, which was something of me returning the favour I guess.

I met up with him the day after anyway. He had some grades and shizz to appeal against, and since I've kind of been there for every one of those meetings (but one) with the Student Union people who represent him, it just felt like I should go. I was going to uni anyway to check on the hamsters and makesure they were okay, and check on the flat, since Helen wasnt back from holiday yet. I had to go see the doctor and go to the careers office too so it wasn't a trip I was making for him, it was just another thing to do while I was there.

"Hey where are you?"
"Just walking up, where are you?"
"Outside the library, I finished printing"
"Okay, count to 10 and I'll be there"
"Okay then"
"Go on then... Count!"
"What?"
"Count!"
"Oh!" I tutted "One...Two...Three...Four...Five... People are starting to look at me weirdly - 6...7" I turned around, "Eigh- Oh there you are" I could feel the smile appear on my face out of my control.
"Told you I'd be there before you got to 10" he said as he hugged me.

We walked upto the SU bar, sat on the sofa, and he told me all about his new job, and the girl he has there hitting on him. He's far too up himself. I can see the rolling in of money and perceived success has made him even more confident if that was possible. The way he sat in his demanding aura, it was all very intimidating. I mentioned the whole birthday do thing, called him a dickhead for telling me that it werent happening in such a shit way. Tried to make him feel some sort of remorse for it atleast mentioning that I had to move back home because mum knew I was lying (which is partly true) and that I was in trouble at work because I had come back to the flat on that night and called in sick at work. He just smiled and said "You still love me tho" I told him that I didn't.

"Why haven't you stopped smiling since I've met up with you then?"

Why couldn't I stop smiling even when he said this? He did his cocky laugh when I came up short. We talked more about his girlfriend. He told me that he was joking about all that love stuff he was spewing out about the day before. I told him he was full of shit. It's the same shit with them. "Oh she's talking to this guy. It's so unnecessary" blah blah blah. Far as I'm concerned she's a very nice girl and he's lucky to have her. Never know what you got till its gone though, they say.

When I said bye to him, he hugged me for a bit longer than usual. Maybe he knew that I was saying Goodbye to him. Well to all those feelings that I've had for him atleast. I know a lost cause when I see one.

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