Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Lovers and Friends

So today I woke up at 6am went for a run. Most self-destructive thing I've done to myself to date. FML. But I felt so good (after I came back home and slept). Then Helen and Norman went back to his, and I epilated every millimetre of my legs and my arms and showered and put on my pretty dress, and now I'm sitting in a nice little Pret in Southwark with a hot chocolate and a hot meatball wrap, with all these business people around me. I walked through London Southbank, just me with my music, watching the people. It felt so good.

I read my blog back to myself the other day, and I realised something. I give Daniel so much more credit than he deserves. He doesn't even care about me, and when he does help me it was never his bloody intention. He's just a bloody idiot. This week has been much better at the flat. I thought I would be really annoyed about the whole Cornwall thing, but to be honest, by Sunday night it was already like a distant memory. I don't know there's just nothing holding me to him anymore. I'm just so through with it all. Was glad to have Helen and even Norman home on Monday. It's weird because recently I've been feeling resentment and just generally wanting to be away from them a lot. I spent some time on some bridge looking over the Thames today thinking about it all, and I know why now, what with hindsight and all.

I went through my whole getting over my Ex phase with them so in my face with their in your face love. You know, it was hard, looking at Helen before I even knew her that well and knowing that it was me a couple of days, weeks, months ago. I remember them sitting on the sofa being all over eachother and me on the other sofa. Such a contrast in Aura it was, me sitting there in my lonliness, watching on wanting my ex there so badly. I couldn't take it sometimes and I would just leave the room. Obviously now it's easier. It's probably made me get over my Ex that little bit quicker, and I'm more immune to their show of love, I've just grown used to it. Course those last couple of weeks where I was just so frustrated and annoyed with anyone in my life (as noted in So annoyed post), but mostly Helen can now be explained. Maybe I just felt more bleurgh to her because she's the most involved in my life atm.

Either way I just felt like wanting to shut her out from the mess of that my life had become. I've talked to her about it, and recently all I seem to do is moan at her about depressing my life is. I know how annoyed my sister gets at her best friend for doing that, I just don't want her to start thinking oh here she goes again. That week it was just the same things going round and round in my head. I went no where and moped around for what seemed decades and I didn't want her to come back to the mess that I was. And she did, and she was dissappoined, I could tell. When she came home and found me sleeping in her bed, I could tell she was still annoyed I hadn't progressed. And I was annoyed at her for being annoyed at me. It was totally irrational and so very similar to how she felt towards Norman when they were having their downs.

I was mad at her for not being around. When I tried to explain to her why I couldn't cut Dave or Henry or Daniel out of my life, she said to me that I had her and that I could concentrate on her and Norman as my friends. And I was mad because I can't make them my life, whilst I get back up on my feet, because I can't rely on them. They were never here and when they are they spend their time being so smoochy and talking in their weird language it just makes me feel so awkward. If I needed her and I knew she was with Norman, I would never call her and tell her I needed her unless I absolutely had no other choice. But not because I don't love her or trust her, but because I know what it's like to be in that kind of relationship. When I was with my Ex anytime I spent away with him was wasted time, and anyone that took me away from him, I ended up resenting. I don't want to have to make her choose between me and her boyfriend, that's not what good friends do. And if I do that I'll just feel so guilty, because I'm keeping her away from the one place she wants to be more than anywhere else in the world, and eventually she'll start resenting me for it, and so would Norman. For a while, like near our exam times, I suspected that Norman really didn't like me very much. Maybe he thinks I'm a bad influence on Helen and for a while he made me feel like a stranger in my home with his sort of brush off attitude. But since he's moved out and coem to stay at the flat less regularly, and haven't been so in eachother's face it's been normal again. Like I'm not really that close with Norman, (I couldn't be, we would just clash too much) but I can honestly say I had missed the nice Norman being around. It's so much nicer ambience in the flat when he's Baah'ing at a wall or something and we're all hanging out. I've missed it, we hadn't done that for so long, and with the right mind set.

But yeah, my other reasons for staying away from Helen is the fact that she has this whole other life. Like how can I rely on her as much as she advises without interfering in her life, you know? It's so hard, like yeah when she's here it's easy, I spend as much time with her as possible. When she's home I sit in her room and talk to her, and sometimes I just stand there and watch them two in their hustle and bustle of making tea and putting the shopping away, and it's easier now. Like I see what they have, and it is what I once had and what I one day will, but it's the waiting thats hard. When she's not here, and I'm having a bad day, it's like I really do feel lonely. I can't pick up the phone and call her. I shouldn't be making her feel guilty for her happiness, it's so wrong and unfair. And if I do get so desperately lonely and I call her, what do I say? I can't tell her how I'm really feeling because that's going to make her feel guilty.

And as I write this I get why I went back to my ex. I know that he is a source of comfort, and that leaning on him won't hurt him. And I get why I needed to stay away from Helen. I just hope she didn't notice it. She probably didn't, she was hardly here for much of the "dark days" anyway, so hopefully she just see's more of me "making progress". I really and truly love her so much, but there is only so much one person can do for another, and I think she's done all that she can for me. And it is so much more than I ever would have wanted from anyone.

I've also given up with God for a bit. This whole idea that I'm on a path thing is really taking its toll, because it just feels like one hurdle after the other. Im just going do a chicken limbo at the next one, shake my tits at God and see how low I can go! Loool I don't mean that sexually by the way! I was merely using the chicken limbo as a metophorical expression of how I'm going to have fun with whatever shit he throws at me next. White flag and all seriously, I surrender.

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