Monday, 25 July 2011

(¬_¬) Pretty Much How I Feel

So talked to Bernard yesterday. Sometimes I really do wander if he knows about all this blog stuff. Like he refers to himself as Superman, and today he said he could really do with having Bernard's Watch. Like sometimes he says some stuff, and I wander did I tell him that or did he get it off my blog? But then how and why would he even ever come across my blog you know? It's near impossible ofr him to just stumble across it. There's no connection to this and my actual identity. Hmmm, anyway I talked to him yesterday and confronted him about the lies he told me. He had a perfectly good explanation...

Basically he has two sisters, and when we was talking about the one in school, and the other one he thought had gone out with his mum. He accepted that my view on him shutting his bedroom door and "disobeying" his mum's rules was out of order to me because it was setting a bad impression of me and he apologised for that. For some reason I still don't feel like his story adds up to be honest. Like his reactions at that moment doesn't match up with his story. Like why wouldn't he have just told me that when I asked him if he was lying to me. If he saw hat I thought he was lying to me and if he was being honest, wouldn't he rectfy it straight away? It just doesn't add up. He was relieved when he thought I accepted his pinky promise.

Anyway, I'm still a bit cautious of him. I still feel like he knows about this blog, maybe thats how he thought up of a cover story after he read what was on my blog. Hmmmm, actually I know how I can find out if he's visited my blog. Operation save my blog in action. I rather hope he will just say he knows about it though. I wander if he'll be honest about this? Either way, yesterday night I felt reassured talking to him, and I was open about how I felt pressured into being with him since he went and told all these people in his family about me. He took it all on board, and have agreed to not make this official for a very very long time. He also said that are not mutually exclusive, but that we should respect and consider the feelings we have for eachother before pursuing another relationship. I don't want to hold him back from falling for someone else.

When I woke up this morning though, that feeling of something not fitting hasn't really moved itself away. It resides in exactly the same place annoying the fuck out of me. I also had a bit of an epiphany today. The way I felt about Daniel was absolute desire of wanting to be with him. I wanted to be his, and I would have given up anything for it. I woke up this morning and didn't feel that for Bernard. There's no urgency for me to see him, like there's no sense of emptiness when he's not there. I no begin to wander if I ever felt that way for him. And is it fair to be with someone if you can't feel that way for them. Surely, if he is the honest person he is, he deserves better than my half way love. I don't know when I'm with him I feel like a warm glow inside of me, and maybe I don't miss him when I'm away from him, because I know that he would be there, whereas with Daniel he came to see me whenever it suited him, and it all depended on him. How I felt then was unhealthy, and maybe feeling like this is better. Easier to find a balance. I don't know maybe I'll just see how I feel in a couple of days. I need to get over the weekend. Thinking he lied to me changed me whole perspective on him. Maybe I should just accept his explanation and leave it behind move on, and pick up from where we were...

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