Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Sorry I've Taken So Long

You know, I haven't written in such a long time. Probably because I feel so put off by this now. Ever since Bernard found out about it. But I guess it doesn't matter any more, not since the whole Bernard thing is over. I mean I really wanted things with me and him to work out, but since I confronted him about this whole thing, he admitted it at first, and then he realised I was kind of pissed and he totally backtracked and pretended he knew nothing at all. He plays mind games and he's really manipulative and there is something really shady about him. I don't trust him one bit, and then when he told me himself that he has a knack for worming himself out of stuff, I was like nah-uh. I can't deal with that shit man. So he's been out of the picture for like a while now, and to be honest I prefer it this way. It was never meant to be I guess.

Anyhoo, so I'm at home pratically full time now. No overtime at work either so pretty much stuck in East London all day every day with no money to go out. But you know what it's way better being stuck here than at the flat! Here I have all my friends. If I want to go out I can call up anyone, and someone will be down to link up and have a laugh. In Uxbridge I have no-one. When Helen decides to go stay at Norman's and whatever I get so depressed in that flat all by myself with no1 to link up with. It's so shit. I'm actually dreading going back next month. I know Helen will have a lot more commitments this year and I'm dreading spending time at the flat all by myself. I fucking hate being there. Now that my Grandparents have moved back to India, I can appreciate home again. I love coming home to my mum and talking and cooking together, and waiting till Dad gets home from work and tell him some random crap he probably don't even care about, but pretends to anyway.

Okay it's now been about a week since I've started this post and I still haven't published it. It's weird, it's like I don't need this so much anymore, I feel so stable at home. I think partly it's because when I'm at Uxbridge I see Norman a lot and I'm really sensitive to the judgemental personalities such as himself. I think in his presence I tend to criticise myself more harshly and that's when I go to extremes to establish who I am, and with Helen, I see her having the life I had, and I just want it back so badly, I end up going to extremes to try and obtain it. I wish I had come home sooner. Being here keeps me grounded, and helps me to recollect my thoughts and not worry about people who are worrying about me. When I was at the flat it always bugged me that Helen might be thinking that I'm holding her back and that makes me feel uneasy because I think she thinks I'm trying to make her feel bad. I know it makes no sense, I just over think things when I'm away from my home and I'm on my own. But I'm setting myself up for this year properly, I'm not going to depend on Helen so much, because she has her own life and I don't want to bring her into my misery should I have any. I won't mope at home either. I'll go out and enjoy my time meeting new people, and not losing touch with my old friends. AND being sensible with money :)

It's weird because Helen went out with Anika the other day and had a drama-ful evening that made Helen come to terms with Anika and how she has turned out to be a bit of a bitch to her. I feel bad for her, because I know so much of her life is in such a big mess right now and she's just walking through it, bit by bit. And it sucks that I'm not there for her more, but this distance really makes it hard for me to be a good friend. I know what I need to do though as soon as I get back. I hope I never end up letting her down the way Anika has. That night she was slightly tipsy so the whole full brunt of her problems came out and I couldn't even sleep when she got off of the phone to me. I just don't want her to go through all of this on her own. Poor baby, I should see how she is today. Thing is, I haven't spoken to her since like Saturday or Sunday or something, because she had rows with Anika following their drama, and Helen tells me all how when she told Anika about the night me and Helen went out ad got stupidly drunk Anika suddenly "wasn't sure" about me. Helen told me that she defended me straight away, but what is the point telling me? Now that she ain't talking to her. You know? Like ever since Primary school, anyone who decides to be my friend and then someone else gets al bitchy and possessive. Like what the fuck? Right up until secondary school I had this shit, and I knew it was going to be the same way with Anika. I really did not like the girl from day one. She does my head in with her stupid crap and she still does. She's fake and she makes me feel like I'm something yucky and not worth her time. But yeah I gritted my teeth and sucked it up and got on with it, because I didn't want to put Helen in that situation where she felt like she had to choose, because it's not a fucking relationship. FML! And the girls still hates me. Even when us three went out together I would just sort of let them get on with it. It's like no matter how hard I try I always end up in that same situation. Anyway yeah, I knew she didn't like me anyway, but I didn't do anything to her so don't get all judgemental on me stupid fake cow. Eurgh sorry I just had to get her out of my system, otherwise I'd just end up saying it to Helen and she has enough on her plate without thinking about Anika. In a way, I kind of saw it coming, the way she was told me she hated being around Helen and Norman together. It's probably why she turned into such a bitch. Makes it easier to deal with the hardest shit. And plus she's going off to uni, she probably getting rid of every little thing that made her feel she had to turn into a little green monster.

That night when Helen and Anika were out, Jack - their friend since high school went to pick them up and take them home. Helen called me that night demanding to talk to me, fuming that Anika was on her phone talking to whoever and ridiculing her. I was kind of touched that she turned to me in that moment of betrayal from her best friend. Least she knows she can count on me whatever time it is. Anyway me and Jack had been talking for a while on BBM. Like it started off him telling he's superman (don't even ask me how I have yet another guy saying this, but it's pure coincidence and this isn't another Bernard situation, because he has also claimed he's batman and I'm his sidekick "joker" :S, to being iron man to being a power-puff girl, but he usually sticks with the superman thing). So yeah one night we were talking, and I think he must have been feeling horny or something because he tried talking to dirty to me. And even though I wasn't repulsed by it, like I usually have become recently, I was not going to fuel the situation. There was a time when I wanted to be that sort of girl; when I first broke up with my ex, and it may possibly stem from my time back then that Jack has this impression of me now. Either way I was well proud of myself, didn't give him anything, and if that puts him off of me than so be it. I'm done with that whole scene, I need a man and I need him right now. Anyway I told Helen about it the next day. I kind of didn't want to tell her because I knew exactly what she was going to say, and I didn't want her to bring me back down yet. I get carried away with myself nearly all the time, and it's people like Helen and my Sister who bring me back down, and while I appreciate it, I know I have to prepare myself mentally for it first. The night at Marriot and the day I told her about Jack were the only two times Helen bought me back down when I wasn't quite up to it yet. But I had to tell her, because as soon as he talked to me like that, I knew the type of guy he was, and I needed to be told to stay away. And plus if the tables were turned and it was her and Henry and talking I would rather hear it from her than Henry you know. It's just that trust thing. And yeah when I told her, I tried to keep it light hearted and like it didn't matter but she saw right through it, like she always does, and told me that I should be careful, because he's in he's creeping right now. And like that I stopped getting that giddy butterfly feelings every time he messaged me because to him I was just another girl. Then she started going on about Billy and how he told her about our conversations, which really pissed me off. Like I knew it, but it was like unspoken so I never had to really get mad about it. And since things with me and him are nothing like when we first met, it was too late for me to get mad. And I knew what I was doing then, but it still pissed me off now that he had actually said something. But I'm over it now, because I talked to him about it all, and he gets that that shit ain't going down with me now, and I appreciate Helen's intentions.

But anyway that night when Jack went to pick up Helen, I was talking to him on the phone, and he was so concerned for her. And when he got home he text me telling me he was home and keeping me up-to-date and I guess whatever little "feelings" I guess you can call them came rushing back. Like guys who care for their girl friends that way is really something that says a lot to me. But like I said I'm being cautious. I don't know ever since that day we've been talking on bbm like every single day just about random shit. He's the last person and first person I talk to and he makes me laugh. But like I said, I'm catching myself every time. Every time I smile, a frown will follow quick time. I won't fall for another jerk.

There's a new primark boy too.WOOO!! Lets call him Damien. He is mighty hot, and every time he always seems to catch me eye. We're getting closer every week. He gets on my bus in the mornings at the same stop I used to get off at to meet my ex. He added me on BBM last week. Will be interesting. Don't worry I won't do what I did with the last Primark boy and like go crazy. I know how to play it cool, now that I'm enjoying this single life. I've missed this whole flirting, second guessing what the other person is thinking, and the games that have to be played. It's just so exhilarating.

And last but not least, the ex is back in the picture. A lot hasn't been said about the ex and how it was pre-break up situation, but if you watch Jersey Shore, Me and him and pretty much like Ronnie and Sammie. Like Ronnie reminds me of him sooooo bad. They look a like, argue alike, dance alike, cry alike, eat aliek, get drunk alike. It's insane. But yeah being at home and closer to him I guess I've just seen more of the guy that I fell in love with and less of the dick head side of him that pushed me away. And I've missed the guy I fell in love with because like he was my best friend. He wants to give us another shot, and I ain't too convinced that it's going to even work out this time. But I guess where me an my Ex are where me and Bernard were couple of weeks ago but not as serious. Don't get me wrong the boy still does my head in, and still hasn't changed much. Difference is, this time I know I can live without him, so I don't run to him or cling to him or need him. When we argue I can laugh it off, and I never been able to do that before. I'm doing good. I know that if he gets into Uni this year he'll be fine and we'll be fine, back on the road to recovery. I'm hoping he does, because I hate to see him being kicked while he's down, but either way I believe in him, even if I don't believe in us. And if he does fail now, it's only setting him up to succeed later on. But yeah, I have no expectation for us working out, but it's good to have him around again. I've missed his annoyingness.

Promise to write. Won't leave it so long this time round xx

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Dear Sooperman,

"I just tried to close the door to it, I don't think I can live up to the expectations"

That's the last thing you told me. And I stare at this closed door wishing. But for what I don't know. Either way, don't think your absence has gone unnoticed. When you came into my life, and when I truly started cherishing the  time I spent with you was during one of the most hardest and horrible moments of my life. And you were a light at the end of the tunnel. You were my superman then. You stopped me falling and you carried me to safety, and put me back on my own two feet again. You did help me and now, in hindsight, more than you'll probably ever know and for that I owe you at least an explanation.

The moments I will never ever forget, talking to you until the sun came up about the most amazing things, God and Fate and Destiny. I found myself so comfortable talking to you and feeling like the conversation should never end. On the train when we caught each others' eye. Walking through Kings Cross hand in hand, and the way my stomach flipped and you left tingles on my skin any time your skin made contact with mine. Smiling half asleep seeing your text telling me your home.

I know you closed the door now. If this was a movie they would be zooming out of me so quick it'd make the viewer slightly dizzy until I was just a tiny little speck. And maybe that's fine. Yes I got scared. Once our liking for each other was established things were moving way too quick. Maybe I should have lied to you and not let you know how scared I really was. But I met your mum and your sister too because I thought that's what would make you happy. And then things were so up and down. I guess all the fake Superman's and Lex Luthors have made me too cynical.

I don't blame you for giving up so quickly. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (The Ex) probably made me distrust people to the extent that I pushed even you away. And maybe it's better this way anyway, less pain with unspoken words huh? I never meant to push you away, for the better part I really hoped you could be my superman and I had finally found you. But maybe all of this was to teach me that I had to let the good guys in. Just I don't really get it to be honest. Let the good guys in, and they turn out to be the ones that hurt you, and try and figure out who the bad guys are and you throw out the good guy. Lol well I've just screwed this one up. Actually no I haven't. I can't beat myself up about every guy that can't be asked. I put up those barriers for a reason, to see who would stick it out and who wouldn't. And I'm sorry that I'm not the type of girl you thought I was, but This Is Me. I need assurance a hundred times over that your in it for the right reasons, and if you find that that is too much, then maybe you are saving you and me both some serious heart ache. The whole point of my blog was to make sure that I didn't settle for second best. I want a guy who can love me as much as I love him, and who would miss me as much as I would miss him.

You say you don't meet my expectations. After my ex I wasn't aware I had high if at all any expectations. All I ask is that you have the right intentions and that you are honest with me, and when you were it always worked for you. And for us, when it existed. I don't expect to be dominated but rather treated like an equal, because I was bought up that way. I never expected anything off of you anyway. And I don't now, especially now that you want out.

Then you asked me if I had a potential guy in my life. As it stands right now? No. I find comfort in knowing that if it was meant to be then it would be.

I'm sorry for wasting your time, and I hope, one day you find your Sooperwoman and she is everything that you deserve.

 Lots of Love,

Miss Superman xxx

Well I had a feeling this would happen.

So I had my suspicions confirmed today. I knew it, and I should trust myself more. Bernard has been off with me for a while, but considering my last post it all makes sense now. My last post makes it seem like I've given up on him. Either way, today I was talking to him, and said playfully that superman flew me home from work. He said huh who's superman - which isn't usually like him because he usually plays along.
"Huh, so your not superman?"
"New man on the scene?" - and that's when I knew he knew about my quest for superman. 

I asked him straight out, not to tell me any lies and asked him if he knew miss superman was. He didn't give me a straight answer. Wish he would. But I know he knows who she is, who I am. these were his various replies to the question "do you know who miss superman is?"
"Being a vigilante has a lot of sacrifices...I've had lots of hopes for one"
"There is no sooperwoman" To which I replied there is a Miss Superman
"Life is complex, very complex. I don't want to put my name to something that may not be able to live upto"
"Do you know who she is?" - "I knew" -

Suggesting he knew, but now he no longer wants to know. His answers, answer my unspoken questions. He has given up on me, just like I knew he would. 

Friday, 5 August 2011

Just an update

So the day that I posted my last blog, Bernard called me in the night, furher making me suspicious that he knows about my blog. He told me that I was right and that he wasn't in love with me. I was like in my head "No shit!" Just when I start questioning my feelings towards him, hes like yeah actually scratch that. I didn't know what to say to him after he stated the obvious, because I really didn't know what he was going with this conversation. And I was really angry, and he kept comparing "us" to his previous relationship. But it was so weird because usually when I get into one of my moods where nothing you say will only make things worse, there's no getting me out of it. But hew apologised and said he was sorry for taking off on me like that with no explanation. And i wasn't letting up because I was so frustrated with him, but before I knew it, he was making me laugh nad I could feel my mood lift, and I have no idea how he did it, or how I got over it so quickly. Usually it takes me forever to get me out of my moods.

But then he went and ruined any hopes of what we might of had. He goes to me that since I now sound a lot more calmer he had something to ask of me. I asked him what and he goes "Don't ever swear in my presence again" emphasis on the EVER. And I was like woah dude. Do one. I hate being told what to do especially by a guy. If he had said, could you try not swear so much it really offends me, then yeah I would of been like yeah I'll keep that in mind. I was laready careful of my swearing around him anyway, and the only reason I did "swear" was because he kept going on about his ex. I was so shocked I didn't even reply. I just told him I had to go and left the conversation. We didn't talk for a couple of days after that, but its all kind of mellow now.

Being home has been a lot more difficult since my Grandad has become more paranoid, and moody and my grandma gets more manipulative. Im just glad I've been at work all week scraping together all the cash that I possibly can to make ends meet this month. Seems I might have done okay. I'm going to try and make as much money as possible this month before I go back to uni. And yet again atempt to stop being so blase about my budget each week. Might even decrease my Overdraft so that I wont be tempted to be so careless. Anyway I do have a lot more to write, I just cba at the moment because I'm so tired, but remind me to catch you up on Helen and the Ex and various others.