Monday, 26 September 2011

The London Eye

I'm spending the day with Norman and Helen in central. Norman had a photography job on so we booked a room at County Hall Marriot. We're all staying here tonight and the view from the window is amazing. There's a little window sill and the window opens out and u can sit out on the ledge and you would be right next to the london eye, over looking the tiny little park where me and Jimmy (the XBF) once spent the day on the swings. I remember he was at first too 'man' to go on the swings but I soon bought out the child in him and he was having so much fun! More than me! I wish I could have this view all my life! I'm gonna spend the whole night on this window ledge. I don't want to miss a moment of it! The lit up london eye and the non stop hustle and bustle. The little cars and the miniature people. The glittering river.. I want to sneak out when they go to sleep and but if Norman knew he would probably go insane and flp out, so I'll settle for my window ledge. Beautiful London. I wish Jimmy was with me so I could walk with him hand in hand down south bank. Aaah big ben chimes :D
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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The drama kicks off

I went back to the flat on Sunday after work. It was hard leaving mum, I know she's missing me a lot because she's been texting me loads and keeping me up to date on her life, which is nice because I have felt so disconnected with her for the past year, what with my grandparents always being around. I hope I can maintain this relationship with her, where I can just be honest and open with her.
On my way to uxbridge and I already had Norman chatting crap on my status on fb. Like I don't know what his problem is. If genuinely his sarcastic comments r his way of him communicating the opposite and he actually likes me or if he's just saying what he really means and pretends its sarcastic so as not to offend Helen. I gave it back to him straight away to stfu and not sugar coating it for shit.
When I did get to the flat it was just Helen, and I really did miss her. We caught up her holiday stories and life in general. The next day things were back to normal pretty much. We were comfortable talking about anything and everything, but I wander if I wasn't living with her if we would be just as close. Before moving back we had distanced quite a bit, but maybe it was just coz she was in rome and what not. But I have other reasons for thinking so too. Monday morning we got up went to get our hair cut and general shopping. She called Norman about her plans to go out with me in London, and he totally flipped out and said he didn't want her going out with me in London just as us two because we were both post depressive drunks. :S. Then he went on to threaten to break up with her which is just so uncalled for and if my ex had ever done that to me I would have been like go then. But this is what I like about Helen. She has her head screwed on. She knows what she wants and that's her independence. No-one will stand in the way of that and we click over that. Reason why I bought this up was coz I don't feel like she feels I can relate to her. I told her how I felt about Norman and I regret it deeply. Because I don't hate him, but maybe the way I worded made it sound like I did. They are good for eachother to a certain extent like any couple and good relationship, but I don't respect him purely because he literally has no respect for me. He looks down on me and he makes me feel so shit about myself. Helen has to put it in its simplest form found a new friend called Mandy. She relates to her a lot better than I can because they both have similar boyfriends. If I was to make an analogy of how I think its all worked is that I've replaced Anika and she's replaced me. And me being honest about Norman has sort of set that in stone and everything I say to her will be scrutinised more. For her sake I think I'll take back my vow to not take shit from Norman and try and just see it however she see's it as being and pick my battles carefully. Maybe I'll explain it all to her again properly so she doesn't get the wrong idea.
Anyway Jack came to pick us up from town and it was really awkward because it was the first time I saw him since we had started talking. There wasn't much chemistry in the air probably because my confidence had taken a battering since the stupid woman who cut my hair cut my full fringe too short and now I looked like mystic fucking meg. So I knew I looked stupid and it was just one of those moments where I wished the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. But no instead I had to endure him bogging at my new disaster of a haircut and probably wandering What The FUUCK!! We were supposed to go out all together that night, but they were being one of those really annoying people that couldn't make up their minds. In the end Jack and two of his friends came to the flat for pre drinks before making our way to some club. When the reached ours they were still indecisive about coming to central for clubbing. They walked us to the station and like little girls they stood there in a line nudging eachother going you say it, no you say it, and they finally plucked up the courage to say that they weren't coming. Aside from wasting my time it was of no loss to me. And the fact that I lost every ounce of respect I had for Jack, because he thought we were drunk off our faces, which we really weren't. Just slightly tipsy, but once I was at the station I was perfectly sober. Granted my I'm definetly not drunk arguement was not helped by the fact that I had stumbled in my heels a couple of times but they were my birthday heels and those stumbles were not drink related. I mean the boys I know are never so judgemental and they would not skank people like that without good enough reason. Helen was like she told me they were like that before, but I don't recall it.
Anyway they fucked off and me and Helen went on into central. We decided to go to piccadilly circus, and as soon as we got out of the station we were taken by some promoter to the club institute which I believe I have been to before. I was really feeling like crap since my hair looked shoddy and I didn't feel my usual self and I was really pissed about how Jack had been and what not, so I really just wanted to have an amazing night and enjoy dancing and forget about guys. But its hard being the pretty girls ugly friend u know? I felt like I was the grenade. Helen is drop dead gorgeous. Anywhere she goes people stop dead in their tracks and jaws drop. Its hard being with her when your having a low day. Guys were like isn't she the most beautiful girl ever, and I agreed each time vehemently because cor blimey she is. But that night was not the night where I needed to be the friend that needed to be distracted while his mate made the moves on her u know? Its not like I envy her of it, but it is just hard being seen as the grenade on one of ur low days. But she needed that night, to be told that she was beautiful and reminded she could have anyone after Norman was being a cow.
The night did pick up for me because there was this one really good looking guy who was interested in me! And I really could not comprehend it, especially since I was with Helen. He told me I had a nice laugh and we ended up kissing a bit. But it was everything I did not want to do. He never once told me I was beautiful, but to be fair, I didn't feel it. Anyway I was still up for more dancing and there were loadsa friendly people in the club inviting us to join their group hug or offering to dance with us. I do love going out with Helen though because with her we'll always be centre of attention and she is never one to hold back. Just a bad day with low self esteem I guess.
After the club the same guy I had exchanged numbers with, Dylan and his mates met up with us and we ended up walking to a chinese restraunt and eating there at 4am. It was really quite out of the blue, random weird, but the guys were really nice, easy to get along with and a good laugh. Dylan seemed more interested in Helen, they all did tbh, I was just lucky to be her friend otherwise things like that would never happen to me. Still he had his arm around me when we was walking and flirted some. I saw Helen linking arms with him at one point and I kinda was shocked at first because she was sober and it was that kind of thing that got her in trouble with Norman last time with all holding that guys hand. I think she thought I was like wtf because I liked him and now she was linking arms with him because in the restaurant she was like strategically seating so I sat next to him. I didn't want to clear it up because like its awkward init bringing up that horrible memory so I just let her believe it.
When I went home those boys had added me and Helen on fb. And Dylans and his friends were talking about how Helen had been the most beautiful girl they had ever seen. I just wish I was deserved enough to be called beautiful.
Nehoo we was meant to go out yesterday night but I don't think Helen wanted to push it with Norman, and she met up with Mandy who I think she feels she can relate to more atm than me. I wish I could help her through stuff better but I don't want to give her wrong advice. And I don't want her to think I'm trying to break them up which I'm not. So when I tell her to fight her corner or anything everything can be misconstrued, especially with my latest stupid outburst. So keeping my mouth shut and trying to stop making things so difficult for her. Like if we weren't going out I tried not to be show I was disappointed and be more supportive. I don't know if she's seeing through it. Maybe I'm just trying too hard. Fuck knows. I don't want to have another Anika situation with mandy. I just really want to get along with her and build a group of friends, but maybe Helen wants to keep her friends seperate and maybe I should stop leeching off her for my own friends.
Anyway today I found a way I could wear my hair without it looking totally stupid and it kind of actually works. I feel so much more confident with it. I met my ex, jay and his brother in central and had a really amazing day with them. We went walking from marble arch all the way to Soho to Leicester Square and we went to Selfridges to Hamleys and to the m&m world. It was really good fun, because me and Jay aren't always lovey dovey and what not, we cuss eachother and wind eachother up till we're both blue in the face but he never stops loving me. He never said I was beautiful either though. Tomorrow would have been our 6 year anniversary. If Helen says we won't go out tonight, which I reckon I think I'll end up going to his tonIght. I'm definetly going home tomorrow, I miss home and my friends there. Speak soon xxx
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Thursday, 15 September 2011

Why Do I Feel Like This?

This summer, I feel like I've gone through this really big internal transformation. I have some new found confidence in myself. Independence. A "I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck-What-You-Think" attitude so big it would shut Norman the hell up. I'm really not looking forward to going back to the flat. I hate being alone, that whole time spent cooped up in that flat was horrible it honestly could have been my fricking prison. I don't want to go back there and feel alone again. And I know soon as I get settled there, I'll hate coming home only because I hate readjusting to change. This in-between phase has been calming for me, knowing that I have another big academic year ahead of me, but not having to face it quiet yet. And here it is all of the sudden bam in my face. I have to go back and live in a nearly always empty home. Doesn't sound quiet as homely does it. I really don't know where its coming from but I feel so negative at the moment at everything. Old friends, new friends, ex boyfriends, potential boyfriends.

Maybe I'm feeling so annoyed because I want a change to help me establish the new found self. But everytime I try to make a change, I hit a dead end. Mum won't let me do anything. No to dyeing my hair. No to getting my hair cut. No to getting a tatto, No to getting a dog. No to my life!

Friday, 9 September 2011

New leaf.

It's crazy just how grounded I feel. Touch wood as I say this though. I told Helen about Jack and I feel a lot better being honest about the feelings I never knew I even had. Talking to him is different too because I was able to tell him I'm not that type of girl who'll just sleep with him. It's not what I'm looking for anymore. I miss being loved and having someone to love and that's what I'm looking for now. I'm surprised because I thought that'd be it once I made the boundaries clear but he's stuck around still talking sometimes more on the level than before too. He told me that he misses Helen too and that he'd be around the flat more :) would b interesting to see how it all plays out.

Bernard is doing my head in with his games. I want him to be straight with me, but I know I ain't ever going to get that from him so I just really want him to leave my life. Things r beginning to look up for my ex, he's hopefully got into uni. So happy for him, but our summer thing will be just that. I know it won't develop to anything else and I don't want it to. I want to enjoy my new found independence and let him focus on his own successes. At the end of the day I know he and I will end up together when we are ready. Right now he's not the guy I fell in love with. And I'm probably not the girl he fell in love with either. Talked to
Daniel the other day too. I just can't be asked with that boy anymore. He's just a nobody to me now.

When I go back to uni I'm looking to do quite a few things with my new found self. I'm applying for a supervisor job at primark, which I don't expect to get, but I'm still going up try my upmost hardest to aim for it. Also need to lose like two stones. I'm nearing like 10 stones which is disgustingly scary. Go back to my size 8 figure. Try and get my dog. Meet loadsa new people. Go out more. No moping!!!! Aim to pass my driving and get a second job at uxbridge. Not once did I feel lonely when I was at home. And want this feeling to last as I go into uni. 1 week left at home before I go back. scary stuffs. Eeeeeeek so excited to go back with the new me. My monsters from last year will no longer haunt me