Saturday, 29 October 2011

Tired of Fighting The Tide

So my "date" wasn't as perfect as I imagined it to be. For one, he was late. Which wasn't so bad for me because it was raining and I was sitting in Starbucks, and this realy nice Greek looking European Guy bought me hot chocolate and we sat and talked about ways to style you hair of all things. It was such a random thing, but then Lee came like an HOUR later and I had to leave.

He seemed really apologetic, and gave me a big hug. He really reminds me of the Bollywood actor Amir Khan, and I literally fell in love with him all over again there and then. He did the whole never losing contact, always holding my hand thing again. It wasn't the same as monday night, in the sense that he didn't seem as sweet as then, there was more sexual tension in the air. At first he kept his arm around me and right when we were walking down a busy street, he would just stop and kiss me. But like when we were getting the train and stuff he would be a little all over me. We went to the odeon in Marble Arch and watched that Tintin film.

I was really dreading it because I thought he was going to be one of them guys who would be all over me and at this point I kind of just wanted to leave. But when we got in he insisted we sat right at the front and he kept his arms around me and he really did just sit and watch the film. He ocassionally turned to give me a kiss, but that changed my mind a little bit about him, because maybe I was just being too cynical. After the movie we went to a chinese restraunt and he ordered for me. He's really different to my ex in the way that he takes charge. Anyway he was meant to go work that night, but he said he didn't want to leave me, and to be honest I didnt want him to leave me alone tonight. On the way home he carried me in his arms through the train station and everyone was looking, but I was just unbelievably flattered by the whole night.

On the train journey home, he started telling me about his past, half of which I don't believe and half of which I don't even care about, possibly because he's not someone I see me being with for the long term. He is a nice guy and maybe this could work but theres too many things dodgy about him. He told me he used to be engaged to this girl, who is pratically all over his facebook still, so there is some unfinsihed business there. There's scars on his body that coincide with his being shot story and being stabbed story. But right now I'm going with the what I see is what I get, I have no desire to get to the bottom of the truth etc. Maybe I'm just not that into him?

Friday, 28 October 2011

Living for the moment

I haven't written in a while possibly because recently I just feel like my thoughts aren't safe being so publicly accessible, but its time to purge. On Monday I had the most wildest and spontaneous days since starting this year of uni. I've been quite happy being back at uni so far, each week having done something crazy and not being housebound. Anyway on monday I met up with Gregg in central and had a well deserved catch up. Next week we're going to go to a boat party etc which should be quite exciting. After we ate shopped and walked till our legs were dead, I met Polly, coz she was on half term from college and was planning on staying over for a night. On the train journey home she was catching me up on all that went down when her friend from boarding school came to stay. Inspired from her clubbing stories I had the sudden urge to have a night spent dancing and there and then we were both dead set on going out that night.

When we got home, we called around to see who else was on it, but on such short notice no-one was feeling it. On top of that while getting ready it had started to chuck it down with rain. We weren't going to let a bit of rain stop our fun though, so we decided to go to a bar see what's going on and see where the night would take us. We got off at piccadilly circus and yet again Tiger Tiger was full.

So we ended up at Metra. It was good music and there was the most amazing looking Italian boy called Leon and his mate who started dancing with us. I was quite surprised when he kissed me, but he was so hot I wasn't going to exactly push him away. I was looking around after a while and I couldn't find Polly and I left this guy just standing there coz I really couldn't let anything happen to this girl. I looked at the bar and the dancefloor and by the stairs and she was nowhere to be seen. I called her and she literally came out of nowhere, so apologetic I couldn't even be mad. We went back to the dancefloor and danced some more. There was a group of four indian guys who I was dancing with when Leon and his mate came back and both danced me away from them which was amazing for me because god knows I've been craving some male attention like that for a while. The asian guy came up to Leon and started arguing with him and my ego boost burst itself out when they said something to each other, laughed and then hi fived. I walked away from them and went to the bar to get some water. Whilst waiting there, a really tall guy out of nowhere comes to me and started talking to me. His name was Jason and he was half indian and half carribbean and on hell of a kisser ;) When this club shut, Jason me and Polly made our way to Jetblack, an after party event at the Den nightclub. On the way we met this guy who was scottish, and we couldn't understand a word he was saying. And Jason blatantly just wanted to get laid but I said straight up that I wasn't DTF and no matter what he said I wasn't going to go home with him. I don't think he appreciated that very much, but I didn't want him getting the wrong idea.

Jetblack was amazing, the people were all so much more hyped. We was dancing with these really nice (in a friendly way) Portuguese guys when I saw this guy that looked really familiar as he walked past me. I turned to check who he was, and I realised I didn't recognise him, but he was just staring at me so intently it took me by surprise that I couldn't look away. Then the crowd took him. I forgot about him after a while and I continued dancing the night away and meeting new people. The scottish dude we met on the way to Jetblack was getting quite possessive over Polly and was really beginning to annoy us. We could tell he was angry but we had no idea what he was saying, so we just kept singing to him and he kept getting more and more annoyed at us back! After a while an asian promoter guy came and was talking to me and Polly. When we got to dancing a felt a hand grab mine and pull me away. It was that guy I had seen earlier and thought I had recognised. As he pulled me away the promoter guy grabbed my other hand, but these guys seemed to know eachother and I was quick to let go.
The mysterious guy took me up on to stage which was blocked off to everyone else. There was no1 else there but me and him. And up here I could clearly see Polly too. He backed up against a wall and I leaned into him, his arm wound around me holding me close to him. He moved my fringe away from my eyes and he just kept looking right into my eyes. He was taller than me, slim but had really nice strong arms, and I could feel the muscles under his shirt. He wasn't the best looking guy I had seen tonight, but his confidence was just shy of arrogance, but he still managed to be all gentlemen like in a bollywood manner. His name was lee and he told me that I was the most beautiful girl and he could tell that there was something about me that made him want to treat me different. Our faces were so close together and I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. He told me that he was going to do this right and he wanted to see me during the day sometime. He took my number and then we danced all night until 6am. He asked me how I was getting home and he insisted on walking me to the bus stop. When we went downstairs to get our jackets I learned that he was also a promoter. He was talking to the loo lady who seemed so sweet. After catching up on their work stuff, she looked at me and goes to him that I was really pretty and he told her I was beautiful. She told me that he was a really good guy and that he would look after me. She asked me about everything I did and gave me a kiss on both cheeks and told me that if he does anything wrong she would see to him. She was sucha sweet lady.

Anyway before we left, Polly was coming along with a guy she had also met, we saw Jason and weird scottish boy standing there together by the bar looking down at their drinks. That guy still has my bird cage necklace which I wore with everything :(. Oh well we left and Lee kept his arm around me. It was past 6 by now and the trains were working so our walk together was kind of cut short because the train station was much closer. So he insisted on buying me breakfast at mcdonalds. We sat there the whole time me eating away, and him just watching me and stroking my arm asking me questions. He was so different to any other guy, pulling out my chair and holding my jacket and putting it on for me, running around and getting me the sugar and I felt like I was taking advantage of him eventhough I never even asked him to do this stuff. I didn't want to say goodbye to him, but he stayed with me all the way until I got onto my train and watched me go.

We got home at 830 and I was so proud of myself for making it to my 9am lecture and my group meeting after. He msgd me all day and now I'm on my way to meet him. I'm actually rather excited what with it being my first real date in ages and me actually liking this guy back a lot. Will update you on how it all goes!! Wish me luck. Xxx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Monday, 10 October 2011

Storm Coming...

Since I've been back at the flat, adjusting back to normality has been difficult. At first I had my issues with Norman which is all kind of settled. I don't know if it's because Helen told him or what, but he has been a lot more easy to handle, and hopefully it won't be take too much of a blow on the dynamics of our friendship. But I can see now that Helen is expecting to row with me sometime soon. For example, I booked tickets to go see J Cole at the Indigo2 all standing. Now the Indigo2 is quite a small venue, and area of space is also quite small, especially if you're in the standing area. Billy, who Norman doesn't like because they had a falling out, and Helen is now indifferent towards, is a huge J. Cole fan. When I updated my status on Facebook about getting the tickets, he liked it and then proceeded to question me on all the details on facebook chat. The first thing he said to me, was "Who you going with? I'm going with my girl and my friend and his girlfriend." He's already told me this and Billy is the kind of person who has to be the best at everything. He knows that things are rocky between me and Jay still, so he knows I'm not going with him, so most probably I'm going with Norman and Helen. I chose to ignore him because I didn't want him making me feel like the obvious third wheel, because he doesn't quite understand the dynamics of our group, and I didn't want him to make me feel shit about it, so I just didn't reply to him. I was going to tell Helen about this but I was in lecture and texting a whole load of other people at the same time trying to ask who else wanted to come along. In my haste to send short concise messages I told her that he asked who I was going with and I didn't reply and she totally hit the roof, going on about how I shouldn't be ashamed of them and that he was going to find out anyway because she updated her status and his friends will see it and report back to him, and then he'll know I hid it. It really wound me up because her first thought just went straight onto the fact that I was "ashamed of them" and so obviously she's had some level of anticipation to this situation. Honestly that day I was just so annoyed with her, and the fact that she then went onto lecturing me about how I really need to stop over thinking about what other people think about us. So I was just replying to try and stop her from retaliating and deal with it when I was face to face with her instead of letting it escalate. And I was in lecture, it really wasn't the perfect situation for me to sit there and argue over bbm with her. When she got back home I did explain to her why I didn't tell him about me going with them, but I don't think she really got it. I think my short trying to end it replies were why she commented on my facebook "stop attituding at me" Jokey because it was quoted by Gabriella from Made In Chelsea, but enough for her to get her message across. I just laughed it off, because I really didn't want it to escalate. I am not rowing with her over Billy.

Couple of days later I was in the car with Norman, who had offered to drop me off to the train station. While we were waiting for Helen to come down, I told him that Billy was going to be there at the concert. And he totally had a go at me for being friends with him. "How would you like it if I was talking to your worst enemy?! Shows where your loyalties lie." Which to be honest I think is totally unfair coming from him. Billy and I aren't close to the extent I tell him every single detail of my life, we talk about superficial things like philosophy music and TV. Occasionally he gets personal and tells me about his self growth and his relationships with his family, friends and girlfriend. But those conversations are rare. Norman wants to sit there and lecture me about friendship and what not and I can see his angle, because he feels like he's the link between me and Billy. But when I first met Helen and her group of friends, Billy was the only one who made an effort to talk to me, even more so than Helen. YES 100% he did it with the wrong intentions, but now that that is all cleared up, I talked to him more over the summer, compared to the one time I talked to Norman, and that was when Helen had asked me to. Norman must think I'm sitting there telling them all our business, which I would never do, but he has no right to tell me that I can't be friend with him, especially after the way he treated me the past year. If he was a good friend to me last year, then I would feel the loyalty that I do feel for Helen, naturally, but he was a dick. Billy may be a lot of things, very annoying at the best of times, but he doesn't look down on me. I can honestly say that if I HAD to choose to go to either Billy or Norman over a problem I had, I would go to Billy. He's more likely to give me advice without the judgement, or the aura that I probably deserved it. I ain't saying Norman is a bad friend to me. It's only in the past couple of weeks he has started to become a friend, but me and him are in no way close. He earns my respect, and maybe I can love him just the way I love Helen, but what reason do I have right now? It's no loss to me if Billy and I stopped talking either, aside of not having someone to talk to when I'm bored, but the fact he has a problem with it, makes me want to be friends with him more now. And maybe if me and Norman were SUCH good friends that his enemies automatically became my enemies, he would know me well enough to trust that I wouldn't go behind his back and chat shit to his "enemy". And to be honest, even when Helen and Anika argued, it wasn't my beef, so I stayed out of it. Yes because I love Helen a lot I felt her pain when she lost a friend that way, but if Anika was to have started a conversation with me that next hour, I wouldn't have totally ignored her, but for Helen I wouldn't have been so nice. The same would apply to Billy, but she was so indifferent to the loss of him as a friend I didn't really think it mattered. But I understand why Billy cut Norman out of his life. For a person like Billy who tries so hard to be a somebody, it isn't nice being around an arrogant Norman. It's not Norman's fault that Billy feels threatened by him, but he had to do what he had to do. All he did was limit him from his Facebook, well ooh la la. It's not something to refuse to accept someone's apology over. And Norman the great friend he is. He had his uni friends, and slated the likes of Jack and Billy and the rest of them, but as soon as his uni friends go home, and he's best of chums with them again. I don't get it, but I never really tried to get it before.

Before I never really gave much thought into their drama, but after being put on blast like that I've been forced to consider where it all came from. The next day I was telling Helen about it all on BBM, and she was like yeah Norman wants you to be exclusive to us only. Apparently he feels quite strongly about me talking to Billy he told her to "sort it out, she's meant to be your best friend. Why does she talk to him when he's done that you?" I don't get it. I don't get what he did so bad to her either. If she was so strongly hurt by it then yeah, but Helen once told me herself, that it wasn't my beef, and I shouldn't have to be involved.  Apparently, Norman sees me "as his" - which is how I see his side of where things come from, but if *touching wood* Helen and Norman were to break up, he wouldn't exactly go out of his way to keep in contact with me. So this animosity he feels about me talking to Billy must come from somewhere else, because it just doesn't make any sense to me.

Anyway me and Helen continued to talk about work and what not for a while, and then I wanted to go to bed, watch Jersery shore and go to sleep. It was uber cold, so I quickly told her good night and got into bed. The links for bloody jersey shore were not loading and it was really frustrating me. While I was waiting I went on to Facebook, made a couple of statuses etc. On one of them Billy commented on it, giving me the link to watch the episodes on. Helen bbm's me just after midnight saying "why dyou say goodnight so matter of factly when you weren't going sleep lol???" This is me now really annoyed about Jersey Shore not playing properly, now getting stupid messages like that from her. So I sat there explaining myself to her, as if she was my mother, and as if she had never told me she was going to sleep just so that she could talk to Norman on the phone. It's like she was catching me out on doing something bad, and she was calling me on it, like really??? I never really watched what I said to Helen before, but I realise that I must now, especially when she's so ready to row. There's only so much laughing it off I can do before this shit hits the roof.

Anyway, now that I've vented and it's all out of my system its good. New week, new slate. She's supposed to come home sometime now, so that we can go to Tiger Tiger and meet Dylan etc there. I don't know if we're even going to go now, because she could just turn up at midnight and act like we didn't have plans, or be too tired because she has been working all Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I have a feeling she's going to be in a bad mood today :(

Thursday, 6 October 2011

The World Is Full Of People Trying So Hard To Be Misunderstood.

Last year when I was doing my placement at the school in Southall, I made a really good friend, let's call him Krish. He's very spiritual, like one of those Hare Krishna's. We used to spend evenings every week after school doing something really random, like roaming central trying to find a place to eat. A couple of times he took me to the Krishna Consciousness Temple, and it was very emotionally challenging for me. That's really another issue from my childhood, when my grandparents decided to go from being very strict Hindu's and converting literally over night to Jehovah's Witnesses and using me as bait to convert the rest of the family. It's a bit twisted and but one day I'll explain the whole twisted ways of my family to you. Today is not the day of that story. Anyway, Krish is like me in a lot of ways; he can be awkward in many situations, like knowing what to see. Like me around new people we end up stumbling over our words and kind of laughing nervously.  He's just lucky enough to have found his spiritual path, and he inspires me like no other person ever has. When I met him, I was in the "dark days" and his spirituality helped me not so much to leave Jay but to find myself and be strong on my own two feet.

Since I left the school to start up uni again, I had lost touch with him, and yesterday was the first time I had seen him in ages. He was so sweet, he knows how much I love cream cakes so he bought me a slice on the way to pick me up. On the first day after school when he dropped me home, we sat outside in his car and talked for hours and hours and hours. I wander how things would have turned out if I didn't have those hours with Krish. Time with him kept my mind off of Jay and opened up my mind to what else existed out there. We talked about God, Life, Time, Souls, and there's something so supernatural in the atmosphere when we're together. The thing about Krish that draws me to him aside from his spirituality, was that like me he's still trying to find his way even though he has Krishna. It's like we met at crossroads and we both helped each other down this one path. I know now that it was Fate who bought me to Krish. 

Anyway we had the most amazing night. We ended up driving to Soho, to a Curzon Cinema to watch a documentary about some guy who donated a lot of money or something to the Krishna Consciousness. We spent as long as we took driving there, looking for a place to park. By the time we got there we had missed the film, but was just in time for another film called Melancholia.

*** Major Spoiler Alert *** If you plan on watching this film stop reading now, though I certainly ain't recommending it.

So we went and sat in the cinema, and I'm anticipating some really deep meaningful story. The first 5 minutes is basically a slideshow of pictures, and your like OMG what the hell does it all mean, and your immediately captivated. But it was accompanied with all this really loud music that almost makes me want to cover my ears. At the end of this little introduction the this planet crashes into Earth and the music just stops and there's a really deep beating bass vibrating around us, and it was epic. After that it was just down hill. The film was in two parts, and I didn't know if the girl was depressed or a schizophrenic at times. And there were these sexual scenes where she just gets on top of this guy in the middle of the field in her wedding dress and starts humping him literally, and it was the most awkward situation sitting next to Krish and watching it. It's like ahhhhhhhhhhh please let another plant come and hit the Earth now pleasseeee. About 10 minutes into the film, we realise he introduction was pretty much the summary of the whole film, and watching it just became pointless. And every time something in the film happened that was directly the same in the introduction, the same piece of music (I think it was some Beethovan symphony) kept playing, all loud and it was really beginning to irritate me. The story wasn't moving forward, it's like they were all just stuck, none of the characters grew, no resolution at all. It was just a "we're going to die" so lets do random things and pretend everyone knows why we're doing it, even though they don't and if they get close to figuring it out, I'll surprise them and lie naked in the grass in them middle of the night. Eurgh anyway by part 2 Krish was laughing so much. I could feel him shaking in his chair, and it would set me off. A sentiment not much appreciated by the very serious people around us. In the end the characters are caught on fire finally; Earth is obliterated by this big planet and the cinema is plunged into darkness and its so silent after all that loud music. All i can hear is the ringing in my ears, and then I hear Krish laughing and it makes me burst out laughing! This film made me laugh more than any other comedy. The credits roll and Krish and I leave pretty quickly, and people are sitting there actually gobsmacked and in utter disbelief. Me and him must have really missed some deep underlying message. :S 

If I was a rich girl nananannanana (Gwen Stefani song, if you didn't get that)

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