Monday, 10 October 2011

Storm Coming...

Since I've been back at the flat, adjusting back to normality has been difficult. At first I had my issues with Norman which is all kind of settled. I don't know if it's because Helen told him or what, but he has been a lot more easy to handle, and hopefully it won't be take too much of a blow on the dynamics of our friendship. But I can see now that Helen is expecting to row with me sometime soon. For example, I booked tickets to go see J Cole at the Indigo2 all standing. Now the Indigo2 is quite a small venue, and area of space is also quite small, especially if you're in the standing area. Billy, who Norman doesn't like because they had a falling out, and Helen is now indifferent towards, is a huge J. Cole fan. When I updated my status on Facebook about getting the tickets, he liked it and then proceeded to question me on all the details on facebook chat. The first thing he said to me, was "Who you going with? I'm going with my girl and my friend and his girlfriend." He's already told me this and Billy is the kind of person who has to be the best at everything. He knows that things are rocky between me and Jay still, so he knows I'm not going with him, so most probably I'm going with Norman and Helen. I chose to ignore him because I didn't want him making me feel like the obvious third wheel, because he doesn't quite understand the dynamics of our group, and I didn't want him to make me feel shit about it, so I just didn't reply to him. I was going to tell Helen about this but I was in lecture and texting a whole load of other people at the same time trying to ask who else wanted to come along. In my haste to send short concise messages I told her that he asked who I was going with and I didn't reply and she totally hit the roof, going on about how I shouldn't be ashamed of them and that he was going to find out anyway because she updated her status and his friends will see it and report back to him, and then he'll know I hid it. It really wound me up because her first thought just went straight onto the fact that I was "ashamed of them" and so obviously she's had some level of anticipation to this situation. Honestly that day I was just so annoyed with her, and the fact that she then went onto lecturing me about how I really need to stop over thinking about what other people think about us. So I was just replying to try and stop her from retaliating and deal with it when I was face to face with her instead of letting it escalate. And I was in lecture, it really wasn't the perfect situation for me to sit there and argue over bbm with her. When she got back home I did explain to her why I didn't tell him about me going with them, but I don't think she really got it. I think my short trying to end it replies were why she commented on my facebook "stop attituding at me" Jokey because it was quoted by Gabriella from Made In Chelsea, but enough for her to get her message across. I just laughed it off, because I really didn't want it to escalate. I am not rowing with her over Billy.

Couple of days later I was in the car with Norman, who had offered to drop me off to the train station. While we were waiting for Helen to come down, I told him that Billy was going to be there at the concert. And he totally had a go at me for being friends with him. "How would you like it if I was talking to your worst enemy?! Shows where your loyalties lie." Which to be honest I think is totally unfair coming from him. Billy and I aren't close to the extent I tell him every single detail of my life, we talk about superficial things like philosophy music and TV. Occasionally he gets personal and tells me about his self growth and his relationships with his family, friends and girlfriend. But those conversations are rare. Norman wants to sit there and lecture me about friendship and what not and I can see his angle, because he feels like he's the link between me and Billy. But when I first met Helen and her group of friends, Billy was the only one who made an effort to talk to me, even more so than Helen. YES 100% he did it with the wrong intentions, but now that that is all cleared up, I talked to him more over the summer, compared to the one time I talked to Norman, and that was when Helen had asked me to. Norman must think I'm sitting there telling them all our business, which I would never do, but he has no right to tell me that I can't be friend with him, especially after the way he treated me the past year. If he was a good friend to me last year, then I would feel the loyalty that I do feel for Helen, naturally, but he was a dick. Billy may be a lot of things, very annoying at the best of times, but he doesn't look down on me. I can honestly say that if I HAD to choose to go to either Billy or Norman over a problem I had, I would go to Billy. He's more likely to give me advice without the judgement, or the aura that I probably deserved it. I ain't saying Norman is a bad friend to me. It's only in the past couple of weeks he has started to become a friend, but me and him are in no way close. He earns my respect, and maybe I can love him just the way I love Helen, but what reason do I have right now? It's no loss to me if Billy and I stopped talking either, aside of not having someone to talk to when I'm bored, but the fact he has a problem with it, makes me want to be friends with him more now. And maybe if me and Norman were SUCH good friends that his enemies automatically became my enemies, he would know me well enough to trust that I wouldn't go behind his back and chat shit to his "enemy". And to be honest, even when Helen and Anika argued, it wasn't my beef, so I stayed out of it. Yes because I love Helen a lot I felt her pain when she lost a friend that way, but if Anika was to have started a conversation with me that next hour, I wouldn't have totally ignored her, but for Helen I wouldn't have been so nice. The same would apply to Billy, but she was so indifferent to the loss of him as a friend I didn't really think it mattered. But I understand why Billy cut Norman out of his life. For a person like Billy who tries so hard to be a somebody, it isn't nice being around an arrogant Norman. It's not Norman's fault that Billy feels threatened by him, but he had to do what he had to do. All he did was limit him from his Facebook, well ooh la la. It's not something to refuse to accept someone's apology over. And Norman the great friend he is. He had his uni friends, and slated the likes of Jack and Billy and the rest of them, but as soon as his uni friends go home, and he's best of chums with them again. I don't get it, but I never really tried to get it before.

Before I never really gave much thought into their drama, but after being put on blast like that I've been forced to consider where it all came from. The next day I was telling Helen about it all on BBM, and she was like yeah Norman wants you to be exclusive to us only. Apparently he feels quite strongly about me talking to Billy he told her to "sort it out, she's meant to be your best friend. Why does she talk to him when he's done that you?" I don't get it. I don't get what he did so bad to her either. If she was so strongly hurt by it then yeah, but Helen once told me herself, that it wasn't my beef, and I shouldn't have to be involved.  Apparently, Norman sees me "as his" - which is how I see his side of where things come from, but if *touching wood* Helen and Norman were to break up, he wouldn't exactly go out of his way to keep in contact with me. So this animosity he feels about me talking to Billy must come from somewhere else, because it just doesn't make any sense to me.

Anyway me and Helen continued to talk about work and what not for a while, and then I wanted to go to bed, watch Jersery shore and go to sleep. It was uber cold, so I quickly told her good night and got into bed. The links for bloody jersey shore were not loading and it was really frustrating me. While I was waiting I went on to Facebook, made a couple of statuses etc. On one of them Billy commented on it, giving me the link to watch the episodes on. Helen bbm's me just after midnight saying "why dyou say goodnight so matter of factly when you weren't going sleep lol???" This is me now really annoyed about Jersey Shore not playing properly, now getting stupid messages like that from her. So I sat there explaining myself to her, as if she was my mother, and as if she had never told me she was going to sleep just so that she could talk to Norman on the phone. It's like she was catching me out on doing something bad, and she was calling me on it, like really??? I never really watched what I said to Helen before, but I realise that I must now, especially when she's so ready to row. There's only so much laughing it off I can do before this shit hits the roof.

Anyway, now that I've vented and it's all out of my system its good. New week, new slate. She's supposed to come home sometime now, so that we can go to Tiger Tiger and meet Dylan etc there. I don't know if we're even going to go now, because she could just turn up at midnight and act like we didn't have plans, or be too tired because she has been working all Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I have a feeling she's going to be in a bad mood today :(

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