Tuesday, 1 November 2011


Things have changed so much since the last time I had written. I saw Lee a couple more times and each time I saw him every sense inside me told me to get away from him. But I kid myself that little bit more each time, telling myself, convincing myself that I should just stick it out. That saturday I went to work and he just near closing time, he came had come in to see me. This is a guy who has never even been to the area where I work. Then he waited for a whole hour until I finished work, made me get the train to stratford before he went to work and I went home. It was a nice gesture, and it was everything I wished my ex would have done, but it wasn't what I wanted from him. It was unnerving just how possessive he was getting and I think I kept telling myself that this is what I wanted, batting away my discomfort with the whole situation. On Sunday, it was the night before Halloween and he knew it was going to be a busy night so I insisted that he went work instead of coming to the flat with me, only because I didn't want him there. He wanted to spend that night with me so i agreed to meet him at Leciester square after I got home and got ready etc.

To be honest, that night was much better than I had expected, credit where it's due and all that. I called him when I got to leciester square, where he found me. He took me by the hand, pride literally pouring from him. I was happy that I was the reason he was feeling so happy. He took me to all of his friends, and was like "This is my girl, that I was telling you about." I was surprised he had told everyone about me, and yet again feeling increasingly worried about how possessive he was getting. He hadn't asked me out and I hadn't agreed. Still, all the people he introduced me to were really nice and welcoming. He bought me a fresh cream cake which was well deserved. Then we went to Metra and he danced with me all night, then to the After party at Jet black. It was one of those nights that I had always dreamed of, where it's just me to him in a room full of people. Just us and the music. But he doesn't appreciate the music, and I wasn't the only girl in his eyes, when he turned around and pointed at another girl and exclaimed that I should aspire to have a body like hers. Laughing it off doesn't take back the little things that he says.

Anyway I'm getting slightly worried about the work that's building up for me to do, and the fact that I'd be starting another job during the week at Uxbridge next week. I was going backwards and I sensed that I had to have him out of my life, and the more that realisation came clear to me the more I dug myself into a hole unwilling to let go of what I reckoned was the good thing for me to do. We went to pizza hut that day, when he started talking about our families merging etc. It ain't ever going to happen. My Dad would never let me marry a muslim boy, and I wouldn't do that to my family. When we left Pizza Hut it was a bit chilly, and my teeth were chattering slightly. He insisted on going to a shop and buying my a cardigan, but none of the shops were open apart from this really tacky one. He dragged me in and saw this really ugly sweater that he insisted was so nice and wanted to buy. I literally wanted to yack up the pizza I had eaten just at the sight of it. I kept trying to leave and he grabbed my wrists really tight and shouted at me in this shop. Something im really not used to is a guy telling me what to do like that. That night I decided it was better if I told him that I couldn't be with him. Start distancing myself from him or something, because I knew it wasn't going to be easy to do it now he had gotten so attached.

That night I was woken by whatsapp messages from him, telling me that he got into a fight and that he was in hospital etc etc. I woke up at midday and realised he was being for real. He sent me a picture of him in his hospital gown and him telling me his d.o.b and what hospital he was in. I think he expected me to go down and look after him, but I really had lectures to get to and I couldn't afford to waste any more time running around with him. I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to be with him when he was laid up in hospital. He told me his ex was coming to look after him and what not, trying to make me jealous. Kind of hard for me to be envious of that situation really.

Before I met Lee, me and Greg had organised a night out on a boat which was coming up. I had told Lee about it everyday for about a week. He clearly didn't want me to go because he kept trying to guilt trip me about his injuries and his pain and then telling me to go have fun at my boat party. I told him that I wasn't going to let my friends down and everytime he told me to go and have fun I assured him that I would. I hated how he tried to guilt trip me, and make me feel bad for something that I should never feel bad about. I came to uni this year wanting to make a change, not make the same mistakes I had made last year. The whole thing was getting too much for me so I called him and told him that he was coming on too strong, and I didn't like the way he was trying to control me. He tried to laugh it off and say he was joking. Joking is not mentioning that I better not meet another guy on this boat party over and over again. He then threw back in my face the one time I asked him if he was going to give a girl his number, but he was asking for that question to be asked when he was all trying to rub it in my face how this girl was all over him.

Then he got really mad and was like I dont like the girl you are right now anyway, don't even want to be friends with you, blah blah blah and I just held the phone away from my ear anyway because half the things he was saying was just pure mean, and I didn't need to hear all the spiteful things he had to say. I hope that this is the last I hear from him. I don't want to have anymore problems or anything from him, he's not a person I need in my life, but we'll see. Fingers crossed it's the last I've heard of it all.

Anyway boat party tomorrow night, will update you on what happens....

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