Wednesday, 30 March 2011

I Used To Think He Was My Good Luck Charm... No, He Was Always A Curse

Yesterday, the xBF actually drove down to Uxbridge! And he just wanted to sit in his car and talk. I was really frustrated soon as I got in his car for various reasons. One, I wasn''t even expecting him to come, and then when I just saw his car parked outside the flat it really annoyed me, because he was just there. Now. When I felt nothing for him. I used to sometimes look out of my window wishing for his car to just appear and turn into my road, and all that longing and all that dissappointment, and i got nothing from him then! And now when I don't even need him, want him, he's there, just waiting for me. I was so annoyed. I didn't want him there, and I told him so. I told him that I didn't want to make it work, but then he got all upset and told me to go up to the flat then. And despite me not wanting to be with him, I couldn't let him leave feeling like that, so I stayed. And he kissed me, and I kissed him back and I slept with him. Just because once all the formalities were out of the way, it was nice just to have man taking care of me, and having a man's arms around me keeping me safe. I crave that feeling of being wanted. Today he bbm'd me telling me he missed me, and I didn't feel anything for him. I know that I could feel something for him if I tried, but he isn't worth the energy, or the risk of being hurt again. Being this indifferent towards him is soo much more safer. And I've tried telling him this, but he assumes that he can get me anytime he wants to. I don't think that he understand s that I've moved on from him.

Anyway so I slept with him, and so today was likely to be cursed. And it was. I went to the library to start work and Sam started to talking to me on skype. Turned out it was his ex girlfriend who claims to be his "wife" who was having a go at me about how I'm a whore and girls like me give asian girls a bad name, and how no girls should be talking to him. I found it rather funny, until I went to tell Sam only to find out he's deleted me from bbm. I called him and asked him, and he says...
"I don't want any trouble, my ex she's crazy and I'm not going to talk to you anymore!"
Then Daniel comes down and says he's going to sort things out, and he sort of did, but now Sam's being all weird with me, won't talk to me won't sit next to me. He's such a drama queen, and the boys went out to get food and didn't ask me to go with them, and went they decided to leave they didn't ask if I wanted a lift home. So no more me Sam and Daniel trips. Kind of sucks, because I can't even be myself around the any more. I just hate how things are going at the moment. And it's all his fault.

Primark boy called me today as well randomnly. But told me not go down tomorrow because he has too much work on, and said even if I did come down I couldn't stay the night. I had messaged him just before I saw the Ex, and he never replied. But he had replied it's just my What's app wasn't working properly. But yeah, I don't think he's as interested as I'd like him to be :(

Things can only get better right?

Monday, 28 March 2011

Dark Days Are Over Now

So work was the usual shit. I went in early, and stupid Primark Boy didn't even have his shift on my department. No he stayed upstairs. So it really doesn't look like I'm going to see him this week either :(. Never mind I guess, I had my chance and I missed it. Sucks. Kind of gutted about it, I was looking forward to it all last week. I haven't heard from Sam and Daniel all weekend... I wander if this is the beginning of the fizzle out of our friendship, and hope really desperately that it isn't. Guess it's my own fault for seeing the ex boyfriend AND kissing Daniel.

Anyway as promised I  can terll you why I stopped loving a boy that I loved for 5 years. I met him when I was 14, and he was my first ever serious boyfriend. At the beginning of our relationship I had vehemently stated that we would not sleep together, and that I would not loose my virginity till I was married etc. But by the frist 2 years of going out I had slept with him, and continued to do so nearly every day. And he was the sweetest boy ever. He would pick me up before school and drop me off, and when I went through one of the hardest times in my life, he was the only one there for me when not even my closest friends weren't. He was perfect, but as you do when you grow up we changed. And he changed more and became one of those rude boys you see roaming the streets of East London, and his priorities changed. It was all about his image "and the boys". And I didn't mind that until my 2nd year of uni when I? couldn't stand being the least important thing in his life. He did take me for grranted. And no it wasn't all his fault, I was used to him being around and demanded his attention way more than i should have, But ach time he broke his promise to come see me and each time he got my hopes up and let me down, I was crushed, and because he was the only one I could turn to I went through various stages of anger to upset to pissed off all at him. Then the lies started to come out... He lied about his birthday for the duration of our relationship, He lied about getting into Uni and his GCSE grades and smoking amongst other things that I probably will never ever know about. It hurt me that much more knowing how I never ever for a moment questioned what he told me and just accepted it, even when hs lies were so obvious. But then everything is obvious in hindsight.

Breaking up with him was the hardest thing for m. When he started rejecting me and stopped caring, that was the hardest, because I couldn't understand how or why he wuld d such a thing. I loved him so much, I didn't get how he could just stop and hurt me this way. I tried hurting him back the way he hurt me, but I could never bring myself to do it. Then I started coming to terms with fact that there was no future left in us, and that's when I realised I had nothing. Everything I did right down to getting up in the mornings was for him. When I was at school and college, I would get up extra early so that I could spend more time with him. When I did coursework it was done ASAP so that I could afford to spend time with him later on. To this day I cannot bring myself to get up early in the mornings, because I still feel like there is no purpose in my life. It's ridiculous just how much my world evolved around his. IT shoulkd never ever be that way, and If i regret anything in that relationship then it's how much I cut everything else out. Aside from my world falling apart, I had to face the fact that so many people in my Indian community knew about me and him, because he's part of the same community and our grandmothers are like the best of friends etc, and now I would have a be an "unsuitable girl".

I can't believe how far I've come though. I don't Hate him. I don't not love him either. I will always love him, But the whole process has only made me realise that I want so much more than just to love someone. I want someone lto love me and take care of me, and want to spend time with me because they enjoy my company not the sex. Anyway I've refrained from including every single detail about me and my ex and the break up because one I'm on the train and I don't want to be bawling my eyes out about it, and two I don't want to bore you with him. I am on a quest, and I will find him! Back to square one I guess, Hey atleast something good came from seeing the ex: Superman must want me as much as I want him. Seems obvious but having been in that relationship, I had thought me giving them anything they wanted would be enough. But not every boy is qs nice as my Ex was, most guys like Daniel, just want to sleep with you, it seems.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Nope, He Isn't Available To Be Your Superman... How About This One Instead?

So I was work all day today! 9 bloody 30 till 7 bloody o clock! Highlights of the day? Well I saw Primark Boy, and he hinted about how much work he has this week, so it seems I won't be going to his this week :( . I believe that the reason for the bad turn of events in this case, is due to the reappearnce of my ex boyfriend who dropped me off to work and also picked me up. You may think it's a bit melodramatic to blame him for the lack of interest shown my Primark Boy, but really and truly, everytime he comes back, he ruins something thats going good in my life. And evrytime I cut him out, things get better. Don't believe me? Don't worry, there'll be more examples of this in the future I'm sure. For example, he saw the pictures of me Sam and Daniel! Now I'm sure that this week with them is going to rocky and problematic.

But yeah anyway he came to pick me up and drop me off. In the car he was being really nice, and still rather like we were together. The dynamics of our relationship when we are together hasn't changed at all. The only thing that binds me to him is routine, and how easy it can all be. He was holding my hand and touching my leg and he kissed me and hugged me. I was kind of annoyed, that he kissed me and I allowed it to go on. It's not like I don't miss him, but he can't just pretend everything is normal after everything he's done to me, and expect to carry on the way he does. On my way bqck home tommorrow on the train I can tell you the story of me and my ex. I asked him if he still misses me and he said yeah really unconvincingly. I asked him if he still loved me and he replied I never said I didn't love you.

Thing was, and I never thought I would have ever ended up here, but I didnt feel what I used to feel for him. I didn't feel like I needed him, or even that I wanted him. I actually felt indifferent. Isn't that when you're truly over someone??

Friday, 25 March 2011

Nothing Special Update

So Mum came to stay on Thursday night. It's been a really weird week because I've spent the week floating, and I feel like it's because I havent seen Sam and Daniel much. When I'm not with them I feel so so so bored! It's kind of annoying me that I've become so attached to them. I always end up doing this, and get too clingy. Totally going to back away next week! BST starts on Sunday!! Wooo, new start! Again (¬_¬)

But yeah, anyway, Mum came to the flat on Thursday night, and it really was just so nice to be able to spend that time away from my hypocritical judgemental take-over-everything Grandparents. I think they have really been stressing her out at home, so it was good for hr to get away too. My health freak Mum even had KFC for dinner! But yeah anyway, I took her to Camden Town today.

When I'm older and doing my own thing, I'd want to have my own apartment just behind Camden Lock Market, by the river. There's just something about the hustle and bustle and the pretty little stalls, and people buyingg random crap that they wouldn't actually go out to buy... I don't know if there was a place that I had to name magical it would have to there. I imagine that one day I'll find my superman there, running past me, by the river while I chucked food to the ducks from my motorbike seat, which will fatefully hit him in the face :)

I came home and my grandparents are mad at my mum for going yesterday and Dad's mad at me and mum for having to be left with hte grandparents on his own and mum's pissed at everyone for not letting her enjoy her time off. Thankgod, I'm working all day at Primark tomorrow, maybe an encounter with Primark Boy will cheer me up :) Okay fine it most definetly, without a doubt, cheer me up, lets just hope I get the opportunity to be in his beautiful presence! Eeek

Oooooh... and I managed to hear from my first ever reader today! thefortunes, whoever you are, thanks sooo much for taking the time out to read my blog, I'm glad you enjoy reading it, and I'll try and sort out this comment thing?! I'm new to this whole blogging thing! Eeeek so exciting, people are reading my words!! 

Oh while I'm thanking readers, thanks to the other 10 anonomous people who have come up on my stats who enjoy reading my blog! :) xxx

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

"Whatever You Do, Don't Fall In Love With Me"

So I promised that I would have no sexual encounters with Daniel, but it's easier said than done.

So they guys came round to the flat yesterday and I made them both pasta bake. All day Daniel had been tired and short tempered, he even snapped at me, and Sam wasn't helping the situation, he kept winding him up, sponging money off of him, and whinging for no reason. While I was making food Sam and Daniel had a row, because Daniel told him he was annoying him, and Sam took offence and walked out.

So it ended up being Me and Daniel eating my pasta bake on my lovely bed because Helen and Norman were in the living room. So we finished eating and he was lying on the bed falling asleep, and I was watching 8 simple rules. Before I knew it he had his arm around me and we were literally spooning, and he was snoring away.

And, I loved it. I loved having a man's arms around me keeping me protected, hearing the gentle snore in my ear, his breath tickling my neck. I wanted that moment to last forever. I loved how his hands twitched in his sleep, and I like how when he woke up his fingers curled around my hands.

But then he Actually woke up and the games began. He isn't like Sam, he wants someone to beg him for it. He turned on his charm and he started his flirting and he moved so close to me, our lips were almost touching. I swear all I could taste his breath on my tongue. He was so so close. He took a deep breath and moved in closer to me and my heart was beating so hard... and then he nuzzled into my neck and laughed and pushed me off the pilow so he could have it! And then he laughed. He was just so cocky because he knew he had me then, and then I was just Putty in his hands. And I hated it, but I wanted nothing more than to just be with him.

After refusing to give into him for about an hour, he was about to leave. And I couldn't let him go. Eventhough I wanted him to kiss me so badly, I kissed him out of desperation to keep him there. I kissed him, and I meant it. And it was soo great. I didn't feel complete, because I knew he wasn't kissing me for the same reasons, and I kenw I was going to regret this, but the way he held me close to him, and the way he was on top of me so gently but keeping me there firmly up against him, it was so right. Then he picked me up and had me up against the wall. The way he picked me up and moved with such ease, he made ME feel light. He was so strong and focused, and so unlike my ex, who wpuld falter at such a stunt. I felt secure in his arms. When he pushed me up against that wall, it was enough rough to get me turned on, but gentle enough to keep me falling for him. He didn't stop kissing me it was so passionate and I couldn't help it. I forgot everything I told myself I wouldn't do...

He didn't get to see me naked. But I saw him. Certainly. His man thing was HUGE! He was nothing like I'd ever seen before. All I can say was my jaw was hurting a few minutes into it. He would do well in a porno.

He didn't stay after, and he came to quickly. The last thing he said to me before he left was
"Don't fall in love with me"
I made a "Don't be fuckin stupid" look and acted like that was the most stupid thing I had ever heard.
I regretted it as soon as he left. What reasn wuld he have to stay once he got what he wanted?

Monday, 21 March 2011

Superman Candidate?

So I went into work today and the guy that I randomnly kissed when I was drunk on my birthday was doing overtime. I swear i literally cringed when I saw him. He caught my eye and my response first was to say HI and the whole episode just came rushing to me and I literally just died of embarrasment!

Anyway there's this guy in Primark (where I work) that I'm really attracted to. Like it's not just a regular crush, I swear I have my own radar for him, I know when he enters my department, I can just sense it, or whenever he's near by. I can recognise him by the way he walks, and once he ran his fngers through my hair and I didn't even know it was him but an electric shock went through the whole of my body just by his touch. Even the xBF has ever made me feel like that before. When I first met him, he flirted with me shamelessly. He was going on about how he hated being with his girlfriend because all they did was argue and how he thought me and him would get on much better. But I was at that point where I had just broken up with the xBF and so I literally pounced on him, and obsessed over him majorly, and kinda scared him off. Whilst this was partly my fault, and sort of understandable, he said to me that he wasn't looking for anything and that we should just be mates.

I lost interest in him pretty quick after that. Which seemed to have done the trick, because as soon as I stopped chasing him, he seemed to be doing the chasing. He started Whatsapp-ing me randomnly and having full on conversations which we never even had before, and he even invited me up to his university last week. I was going to go and everything, but then Sam and Daniel called just as I was about to leave and asked me where I was going, and in the end they didn't really let me go. Which I don't regret in the slightest. I owed it to them especially Daniel as it was the first time I would of seen him after the drunken night. Anyway I had a really good night with them two.

I thought that Primark boy would have gone off of me again or something, but I saw him right after I saw the boy who I kissed on the drunken night and I blurted out my embarassaing story and he just laughed at me. Ice breaker I believe that was. He invited me up to his next week, but he said he would text me if I could come this week. He seems really keen to see me outside of Primark, but I don't know. He has a girlfriend and I don't really want to go there. It all gets too complicated. I don't know, I guess I'll wait and see if he'll bring the subject up again. I do really like him though, I mean I actually daydream what it'll be like to wake up with him in the mornings! *siigghhhh*

In other news, I went out to my brother-in-law's birthday meal. My sister was being and him was being really nice, so i think they have accepted and gotten over my whole drunken night shizzle! It was really nice because Helen came too and she stayed the night. Such a funny memorable night with nommingness milkshakes and cakes for desert! NOM NOM NOM!!

Anyway, new week new beginnings :) well once this piccadilly line train reaches uxbridge! Grr hate TFL! :(

Friday, 18 March 2011

Embracing Rejection

My first ever crush was a boy called Henry. He is now one of my bestest friends. I liked him for a good two years when I was in high school, and naturally EVERYONE knew about it. I was rejected by him soo many times I have actually lost count. When I was a teenager I wandered why things were complicated, but looking back he made me familiar with rejection, so I can see that bitch coming from a mile off and be prepared for it when it does happen. Don't get me wrong I know I can't just shrug off someone saying No to me and pretend its all ok, but I sort of expect it and can take it in my stride. I will forever be thankful to Henry for making me that sort of person. Funnily enough though, after I got with my now xBF he wanted me, not as his but to still chase him, and I ended up being his first kiss and his first well everything ;), but never good enough to be his girl.

Yesterday I went out with Sam and Daniel, and it was sort of awkward. When we got to KFC Sam and Daniel had a conversation in front of me about how Sam likes this girl and how he doesn't really care if Daniel gets with her and he can if he wants to. Daniel just accused him of not trusting him and that he wouldn't make moves on this girl because he doesn't even like her and he hardly talks to her. Later on, Daniel dropped me off home, and he implied that they were talking about me and that I had hurt Sam's feelings. I mean I guess it's better that everything isn't out in the open because I couldn't really cope with the confrontation, and hopefully the dust will just settle and Sam will get over the fact that I'm not interested in him. It's just really hard to not respond to him the way he wants because he will start sulking and get all angry and pissed off. But recently I've tried to just be blunt about the way I feel so that he gets it.

Daniel on the other hand, I don't know, there's just something to romantically sweet about him that I can't get out of my head. He has a way of talking and caring and making you feel just so safe. But now it's all like a game to him and who has control and who rejects who. I don't want to play these games. These guys are really close mates of mine and I love them both very very much, getting in between our friendship is the last thing I want and so yesterday I stopped playing those games. I've decided that I'm just going to try and forget my feelings for Daniel and try and get Sam to forget his feelings for me and then we can just go back to enjoying being mates again. Not that we don't already, there's just this film of pretence of "I know this, and i'm going to pretend that I don't so don't tell so and so etc", that really shouldn't be there. I know it's my own fault for playing with fire, but next week will be a new week and I can just put a stop to all of this. I know I'm the one that ultimately decides how this ends. I just can't stop thinking about all the things Daniel have said while we've been out like yesterday:

"Look you rejected my advances on you when I was drunk, and you still probably would if I was sober, oh well, im over it."
To which he replies
"Maybe I'm just biding my time..."

Or the time we went out the day after the drunken night out, and he told me off for talking about another guy and he goes "here I am developing feelings for this girl and she's talking about another guy." And that day we went out he won me a purple elephant and we just had some sort of chemistry in the air, that totally disappeared yesterday night, and I don't know if it's bcause he genuinely does not feel anything for me or because he's doing it for Sam. :S

Either way I won't go there with either of them. Having my mates stay my mates is more important to me then trying to fill the void that my ex left with another bf.

So it's my brother-in-law's birthday today, and I have to go to their's for dinner. First time I'm going to see him and my sister after she's been "disgusted" with me! But she text me earlier being sort of normal, so I'm hoping the dust has settled.

In other news I have £3 to last me till next friday, and the xBF who owes me over £500 left me a psp and a laptop both of which cannot be sold, so I'm screwed. And I'm very very very hungry but atleast very warm on the metropolitan line going back home to mummy's food! NOM!!

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Happy birthday to me!! Excuse me while i - Bleeeurrghhhh

So my birthday was fun! From what I remember I made a complete fool out of myself. My first birthday without my stupid boyfriend! EX BOYFRIEND! But honestly it was also the first birthday in ages where I went out and felt like I had a real solid group of friends, who I could count on to look after me and not judge me, and I could just be myself around.

So back at the flat the drinking started, and I honestly thought it was going to be a major flop. Loads of people cancelled last minute, and my group of mates were late and decided to meet us at Zoo bar in Leicester Square. So my birthday at this point comprised of my two flatmates, who are in a long term relationship, and their mates. I was drunk by the time my two friends had arrived.

I haven't known Daniel and Sam for that long, I only met them a couple of weeks ago at the library where they asked if they could borrow my headphones. We kind of hit it off from there, they just adopted me into there little "crew" as they call it. I love those guys to bits and pieces already.  Initially I think Sam just wanted to sleep with me which we almost did, and i regretted deeply after and told him to back off, but he is really persistent and sulky and knows how to emotionally get at you. Being with him on his own is demanding to say the least. Daniel is the hotter more good looking one. If I was to get with either of them it would be him. (Don't get me wrong Sam is really good looking but he's just too short and too tempermental!)

Anyway this became apparent when I got so drunk at the club I was chucked out and Daniel ended up having to look after me the whole night whilst I tried to seduce him and he politely refused and continued to try and get with my flatmates best mate Anika! Now it's all weird between me Daniel and Sam because  I really want one night together with Daniel (now that I'm sober and its obvious I am rather attracted to him) but I don't know if I want to get with him because Sam will be all you did stuff with me but really you wanted him bollocks, so as much as I want to, I'm going to make a change and stop slagging around and not have any sexual encounters with either of them, and just enjoy hanging around with them like I usually do. Because when it's us three there then it's just us having a laugh and I enjoy looking after them and making sure they are fed and going on drive.

So anyway my Sister seems to be really pissed with me because she saw me all over Daniel and was disgusted at how out of my head I was, despite her having been in that situation a countless number of times before, and tried telling me stories that made me feel so shit about myself, like how evryone was embarassed of me and i ruined everyone's night. Getting back to the flat though was good, becasuse Helen and Norman reassured me eeryone had a good night and everyone was just looking out for me and I added entertainment to the night. I also kissed a boy that I have to see every saturday because i work with him and fell over really badly and have various injuries.

On the plus side I walked (i mean stumbled) around in 10 inch heels the whole night, apparently even chased after the work boy, and survived. not once did I take them off. My ankles are feeling the pain today though.

Anyhoo must get back onto revising, will update on the next cringeworthy story