Saturday, 30 April 2011

To Be Told Or Not To Be Told

So I was talking to my sister yesterday after work coz she was round ransacking my room getting al her stuff out. Anyway she came across a cd that was recording of a 30 minute reading she had with a psychic. And all the things she said to her was true. Like she said everything about dad and how he is and it was so true. The reading was made like in November and all that's been said has been true so far. She's a psychic in Selfridges and its about 90 quid. And I'm really considering going. But I mean 90 quid is a bit much, but what am I expecting to hear?? I mean it would be so cool to share my reading with you guys and see if it plans out the way she says. But what if she tells me that I'm going to experience a lot of rejection and be single for a years to come. My quest for superman will just be for nothing. I'd rather live through it in hope thinking love is just around the corner. But I want to hear what she has to say about all the other people in my life and how she sees previous experiences have affected me and where she sees me headed. It'd b so interesting to see if she's right. And if she is right then what would it say about fate and my theories. Maybe the experience can give me some insight into how people do this. I'll give nothing away. I'll book my appt under a different name and everything tell her my real name only when I get there, but then agn maybe not. I'll jus go with the flow. I've made up my mind. I'm going to do it. It seems right. Maybe even knowing that no man being in my life for the next couple of years can mean I can move on from this fantasy and concentrate on doing something more worthwhile right? Right! I'm gonna du it! Eeek
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Thursday, 28 April 2011

Couldn't really put this in my own words

Daniel: Kya hua
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: The blogging social network thing, came across my blog and then posted my blog on their FACEBOOK! My blog!!
Daniel: what? Hw cms? N hw u know?
•|»x.me.x«|• =*: Coz they found one of my posts interesting he commented
Daniel: Loool wa was ur blog about eh
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Oh there was a lot of hits on my blog and I was like wtf is goin on and alll this traffic was coming from fb, so I googled my blog and saw that they had my blog on their wall
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Insanity!!
Daniel: Niceee What was it aboutt
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Ohh jus this and that u kno
Daniel: Looool
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: My ex lol lol
Daniel: Cmon tell me
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: I think he recommended my you only fall in love once post
Daniel: Oooo niceee We'll done
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: :D thabks
Daniel: Rising starr
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Jus think if my blog becomes recognised for real ull b famous
Daniel: I'll*- Loool u never knoww
Daniel: Carry on, jus dnt expect
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: I never expect
Daniel: Achieve greatness n success will follow
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Lol nah u'll b famous
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Ppl jus won't know its you
Daniel: Huuh :S
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Like ull sit on the train one day and someone will b like THAT daniel! Eurgh and it'll b u lol
Daniel: LOL hahaha.. So u gna continue bloggin bout me then eh
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: No
Daniel: hhhmmmmm - Then no recognition for u :p
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Bt ur like the beginning guy imit
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Init*
Daniel: So
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Lol ur a part of it now
Daniel: Yee bt I can easily fade out, no?
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Even if u did u wuda still been a part of it
Daniel: Hmmmm
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: U'll die in abt 100 years bt ull b immortalised in my blog
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Muahahahahhhaha
Daniel: Loooool hahaha lucky meee
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: By beginning guy I mean the guy that was there before the hero comes along
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: So no need to fade out :)
Daniel: Haha what is that guy is a hero in disguise
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Lol
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: Lol my blogs real life not a fairytale
Daniel: Hhmmm
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: What u hmming abt?
Daniel: Carry on thinkinnn
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: I thght u were a realist! and if that was to happen my readers will b very disappointed and I will be ruined I tell you!! My readers r anxiously awaiting an eligible superman!
Daniel: Looool hahah Ur readers will b astonishedd
•|»x.Me.x«|• =*: By what? My supermans impeccable looks and talents? Oh they will b I owe them a good hero! Just gta find him
Daniel: ill help ya look, when I get tha time
 
So erm yeh :S

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Unrequited love

Talking to Helen about Daniel today. I was tellin about our late night convo yesterday, but she's scared I'm falling for him. She was like even if you expect nothing to happen it doesn't mean you won't get hurt. But if I know nothing will happen and I already have accepted he's in love with another girl then what is there to hurt me? Things is, she goes, the mre I spend time with him the less likely I am to find someone else, coz I will compare all to him. I guess ideally she's saying I should cut ties with him. But I couldn't do that. I need his brutal honesty to keep me from going bak to who I was. How can I just cut out the guy that has helped me change so much. I owe him too much to just cut him out.
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So, What If Everyone's Right?

Daniel called me yesterday following me telling him about my clear well thought out planned defintions for love. Actually no, he asked me to call him, and I called him. I was in bed all comfy and all, having a very intriguing conversation with him, it almost reminded me of the times I used to talk to my ex under the covers so my parents wouldn't hear. But this was having conversations that mattered. We somehow ended up talking about how the world began and religion and the world.

The way I see it, is that there is a God. He made the world, the solar system, the universe. But there must have been a way that he created these things, it can't have just appeared, so he created the big bang. And from the big bang was all this dust. In the bible, it says that God made Adam out of dust dirt or soil or something, and that he blew life into it. Maybe he blew life into the dust that was created from the big bang, and in doing that made little bits of bacteria, the first forms of life, from which we have evolved according to Darwin. I'm not too clued up on all the details of Darwin's theory, but to keep it general, God created evolution to bring us here now. And yeah that took billions of years, but time is nothing to him. And maybe people once upon a time, when all the land was on and not segregated by the seas, believed in one thing, until people started to segregate and find different ways to worship God. And people's race are just an indication of where they were in world and when the world started splitting, they stuck with people that looked similar and to keep social order, as we became more advanced thinkers, religion was used and manipulated, because it was the underlying most powerful resource that we had. Maybe people started realising that we live and we die, and started to become more selfish. We stopped functioning for the scoiety and there was a breakdown, and religion was made to make people think there was a greater purpose, and it gave the people a reason to keep functioning and adapting, so that God's plan can still go on, so that we still continue evolving.

I don't believe in a religion. And Daniel might be right. People are basing their decisions, and their whole life on one person's interpretation. Maybe he could be the starter of a new religion. He certainly has that leader quality down and mastered. But most people are sheep. He believes that people will be much more happier if they stopped thinking about other people and did what they wanted to do. But if the masses did that, more and more people would do more and more outrageous things to suit themselves, and where would social order.

Then we talked about Love. He asked me that if me and him had a kid and we never taught it about love and relationships and what not how would it be. I told him that our love for him, (because if me and him had a kid, it would be a boy) would be so strong so he would stil experience love. And one day he'll find a girl and he will feel this magentic attraction towads her, and if anything he'd be just unprepared, but he'll pick it up. Love is natural and as inevitable as death. He then asked me that what if our whole generation did this. Didn't tell our kids about religion or love. I said we would create a bunch of delinquent children in the masses, that will eventually lead to the extinction of the human race.

Then a spider came and I had to get rid of it. I had a massive panic attack and managed to stamp on it. Then the moment was over. Our out of this world convo came to an end. We talked some more, and he started to talk to me all dirty, and for once I found myself cringing and not engaging in it. And I didn't even have to think about it, it was natural for me to have that response. I'm glad I'm finally getting back to myself. I talked to him for nearly two hours. Was really weird because half way through the conversation I got a call waiting from him, when i was on the phone to him. Like how the fuck can that happen? And the spider was appeared at the most weirdest of time, and it was just by chance that I happened to see it. I was just weird during that conversation. The words just came to me. And liek when he mentioned the thing about not telling oru kids about love, when I was "revising" I was thinking the same thing. That I wouldn't let my child be exposed by something so cruel, but that thought went as quickly as it came. I realised it's not fair for me to hold him (or her) back from the inevitable. Love can be the best and most rewarding thing about life. What more could you want for your child than for them to feel wanted and needed. I can only tell them as much about it as possible so they are prepared. But the conversation I had it was like all the answers were prepared for that moment. Like when he asked me about race and why god made people different colours. I've never thought about but in that moment a memory came to me from when I was younger and I asked my grandad the same question and he said that it just turned out that way because some people were clsoer to the sun and others weren't.

There was just something about the conversation that was meant to be. It had fate written all over it. I don't know why, but there it is. Only time will tell.

There was some things he said, that sounded like he'd been reading my blog. Like some of the things he said, I swear it was worded exactly the same way I had said somethings like in the post about Fate. But he can;t have read it. He can't get onto it without my laptop. He asked if i had blogged more. I don't know, maybe he was just talking to me because his girlfriend was out clubbing all night.

Meh, You Just Can't Escape It!

So, I'm sitting down thinking, i'm just going to forget my troubles for 20 days and concentrate on studying and revising and passing these exams (which does not really seem likely, the way I'm going) and what topic am I having to revise?? Why, Only Love and Relationships! I guess it was good in a way because it put into words what I already knew about relationships etc. According to this book (and I so not disagree with it at all) I have a preoccupied attachment style, which means I have low self esteem and high interpersonal trust making me strongly desire a close relationship but feels unworthy of the partner and therefore vulnerable to rejection. So to be in a proper relationship I need to improve my self esteem, therefore it only followed that I went out and got my nails done :D. They are all nice and beatiful now :) Anyway, so yeah according to Pyschologists Baron and Bryne, think people like me are more likely to fall in unrequited love, which I guess I am. *sigh*

Also, this chapter is like a god send! It has like the ingredients to make a perfect relationship. Just like God isn't it, to send me this just a little too late. Like rubbing salt into the wounds, it's very His style.

The ex has been back in touch yet again, claiming that he's going to win me back. He asked me what it is that he has to do to win me back. I told him to listen to The Man Who Can't Be Moved by the Script. He replied, the girl didn't even show, he sat there for days and days, and she didn't show. I'm not going to waste my time. That's his problem, I keep trying to tell him that we are on different wavelengths and that I want so much more than what he has to offer. He is so frustrating, he just keeps telling me I won't let him put it right, he wants me to accept him back, let him be my boyfriend again and then he'll get on with changing. He just can't get it through his thick skull that it doesn't work that way. He is sooo frustrating.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

You find a boy, u2 become bestfriends, n nt much else matters.

I saw him today. He came down like he said he would, to pick up his car part. I thought he would bring someone else with him, but no it was just him. And it was so great to see him within this week. It possibly would have been the longest I've gone since we met without seeing him, and it's good that that period was broken up. Got my uxbridge dosage. (",) This week seems that much more bearable. We picked up his car stuff, and went to Frankie's and Benny's for lunch. We talked about "life perspectives" this time. He really seems to enjoy such topical discussions where he can prove he's right. Couple of things he said to me today, that love doesn't have to be defined. I guess this is his rebuttal to the you only ever fall in love business. He says, whats the point putting a label on how he feels. He feels strongly about a girl, but he doesn't know if it's love or not, it is what it he makes it to be, and that's that. The label won't change how he feels. On the up side, he implied that he was in love with his girlfriend, following the feelings he had for her, he just hadn't labelled it, so atleast one good thing came from that convo. Daniel is in love.

He also went on about how he knows how girls work, and that when girls fall for him, he usually cuts ties with them because otherwise they'll just keep hoping that they've got a chance. I was going to say to him that following him reading my blog, he knows how I feel about him, but that doesn't mean I hold onto this hope that one day he might fall for me. I have this fantasy where he realises that I'm the one, but I don't bring that fantasy into real life and change my life based on hopes and dreams. I know that he will never ever want me to be his girlfriend and that he will never love me as I fantasize. But before I could he asked me not to have that conversation with him. I asked him why and he said that it was because he didn't want me to formalise it, because right now he was pretending he hadn't read what was on my blog. So I didn't say anything. I don't want him to cut me out. I need him still as my friend.

He gave me al lthis life advice today, about making my life count, and doing as much as I can with it, instead of settling for the demands of my family. To be selfish where necessary. I mean I told Daniel about how I was sick of people thinking of me as a sex buddy and just feeling frustrated, amongst other things. And he started going on about how I should appreciate the things in life, and how people who deserve to call their life unfair think its fair. His wise knowledge was not what I wanted to hear at the time, but he really does help me make sense of my life. He said that maybe I'm not a nice girl as I thinks I am so maybe this is fair. And maybe he is right. I haven't been portraying my real self to guys, just using sex as a way of grabbing their attention. Why? because I feel like there's nothing special or unique about me to grab their attention otherwise. I want to be wanted and missed so badly I've resorted to desperate measures without knowing it.

And there is something special about me. I have so much more to offer to "Superman". My ability to love unconditionally, just being one of them. And Daniel has become my one of best friends, and that is more than what I asked for. I love him that much atleast. And I'm going to take his advice and stop living to find Superman. Besides, like he said, boys my age aren't looking to find commitment, so whats the point finding a dickhead? He's like my Mr Miyagi, and I'm going to make a change and take all of his advice, and make him proud of the person I've become today. Everytime I'm faced with a new or difficult situation I'll ask myself, what would Daniel want me to do. He's done more than he even knows for me, like help me take that last leap in getting over my ex, and helping me see the obvious in the most horriblest situations.

Maybe Fate bought him into my life, so I had the courage to let go of my ex. But I was never fully given him because he isn't in my destiny. And maybe that's why I fell for him, because I need to listen to what he's saying, and he's the only one I will listen to. He really does take care of his friends, and maybe one day, I can return that favour. I'm sorry, but I ain't looking for Superman until I've corrected my mistakes.

Steve's been talking to me still. He wants help finding a girl, and there's this one girl that he really likes in our community, who isn't really all that nice, a bit of an immature 24 year old who's mouthy. He can do better than her, but I'm just helping him through it all really. Totally haven't mentioned the "we could have been together - thing". My ex also got really annoyed when he saw that Steve had added me on facebook. He tried to make us work again, knowing that he might lose me 100% gone this time. He said he was going to come and see me after work which, suddenly changed to the next day before work, where he sat in his car waited till the last minute, and came running to me just as my bus came. To this day he never ceases to disappoint me. He claimed he was going to make it and see me in my break. He wasn't there 30 mins later. And it really annoyed me! I don't know why it should, I expected nothing less from him, but I still hoped maybe this time he might actually do it. This would be so easy if he just let go. But he refuses to let go and refuses to do anything to put us right. I have never been so sure about hating him until that point yesterday. Besides its a good thing I didnt see him yesterday, because if I did, I wouldn't have been able to see Daniel today.

Okay here goes. See how I was back tracking, I'm backtracking right to the beginning. Pretending to be a Prudish Virgin (Y) (",)

Blast from the Past

Major crap happened yesterday. What an eventful day. Went to see Gregory yesterday. He's been my friend since secondary school and is my best mate. He is my slightly camp most drama queen friend that every girl has! It was so good to be able to spend the day with him and listen to his many many drama filled stories. Anyhoo whilst walking through east ham I ran into Steve. He's my the xBF's cousin.

I met him about two years ago and we became really close. He used to have a girlfriend and when I was with my ex we used to lean on eachother when either of us had trouble with our other half and help eachother through it. I helped him get over his girl and he helped me get over my ex.

When things were really bad with my ex he came to uxbridge and spent the day with me. We had so much fun, talking abt anything and everything and the way he looked after me, it was really what I wanted out of my ex. Anyway when my ex came back we sort of drifted a little again because I tried to give me and him another chance and steve was sick of me always going back to him. One day when we started talking again, and I'm not proud of this, it certainly isn't one of my proudest moments, but I talked to him in a more seductive manner, because either way it was a win win situation for me. The worst that would have happened was that it would have got back to my ex and in a way that was the best thing that could have happened because, I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. And he did find out, I didn't know what exactly happened until yesterday but it really just backfired on my ex and Steve, it didn't really effect me, apart from making my ex realise he was losing me.

Since then, it's kind of been a boycott her period as far as steve was concerened, but seeing him yesterday TWICE, and now everythings changed. He readded me on facebook and started talking. He told me he missed me and told me he was sorry, which is an achievement for him. Steve is like a proper hardcore rude boy that really means shit. You don't really be rude to him unless u want trouble, which is why I can't really talk to him like I would other guys. He is really good looking, and always goes for the best looking girls. He calls me his money penny, because of the way I always used to help him hook up with the right girls etc.
Anyway he told me that the distance is usually what he does when he starts to like someone, and that the reason that my ex found out about the texts was coz he asked him straight out if it was okay if he could come see me, because with him family still does come first. I really couldnlt believe what I was hearing because I was never ever was his type. And as we got talking he admitted that he liked me but he couldn't be with me because of family and community constraints. People are going to talk. As the conversation progressed he dropped the line, don't fall for me, I'm not good for you. Which really pissed me off. I mean what is the point of all this. I don't want be somebodys fucking sex buddy for the rest of my bloody life! I want to fall in love, not necessarily with steve, bt its so wearing having to hear the same shit all the time! When r people going start wanting me to fall for them???
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Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Trapped. Housebound.

Being at home for this long is suffocating. This feeling of always being watched, I bloody hate it. I came down in the morning today to watch a bit of Gilmore Girls and my Gran started questioning what I was doing sitting there if I have loads of studying to do, and started asking me to take her to shops etc if I had nothing better to do. It's such beautiful weather outside and I just sit in my room with me trackies and jumper on, and leave the window open for the warmth to come in. Sitting in the garden in just uncomfortable, my bum gets numb after a while, and the noise from next doors garage just does my head in. Not that I can escape that even if I'm in my room. I was dying my mum hair when she got back from work today, and my gran coems aout and exclaims how I seem to find time to do that but not any time to do the housework. If I want to go somewhere, it's just a million questions. In a way I'm kind of looking forward to going work just so I can enjoy the sun in those two hours I'm travelling.

I get paid tomorrow hopefully! Money problems can finally be over for a bit now. I wanted to get my haircut really short, but mum's made it pretty clear that I'm not allowed. I've been telling myself that I wanted to do it since last month. I need a change. A new me and a new haircut to go with the new me. And now I just have to make do with my long locks and find something original to do with it. Hmm Nvm I can buy myself a nice dress tomorrow, maybe i'll still get it cut and pout some colour into it. OR maybe not, I owe Daniel money for the Jeans and £50 to mum. OR no Sorry thats £55. Oh and £5 to my manager at work. I'm finally able to sit in the peace of my garden, now that everyone else has settled down to watch a nice bollywood film, and the garage next door has shut. I miss Uxbridge so much. Just to be able to not worry about anyone else is doing is just amazing. In the summer, everyday I'm going to do something different, go places and just chill and enjoy places in London that I didn't really know existed. Do voluntary work in as many different places as possible.

I miss Helen. Eventhough she's hardly ever with me, I just miss her calming presence. Norman I don't miss so much yet. He's quite hard to live with, his sarcastic comments and his constant run of dissing me is really wearing sometimes. He never used to be like that, but since I started hanging out with Sam and Daniel his attitude towards me kind of changed. Now he just tries to diss me any opportunity he gets. And I know he's joking, but beneath it I don't think he likes me very much. But that's okay, he seems like one of those guys that thinks everyone seeks his acceptance But I don't. I care for them both very much regardless of what they think of me. But I'm glad to not have to listen to his relentless jokes, usually about me, all the time. But it's not worth what I have to put up with here. Here I have to endure my own family take "taking the piss" to a whole other level.

And I thought I would have got more revision done, whilst I'm at home. It was the whole point. I'll have you know that if anything I've done less work here. Frustrated.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Daniel's Ideal Relationship

 Someone to act like they are actually taken.  someone who will give him their all. Someone who's not up his ass all the time. Someone to give him a little space, relax and enjoy time... Diss eachother, laugh, not take things too seriously... but knowing that there's things she cant and shouldn't do.

He is a controlling freak of a guy. He's so unrealistic in what he wants from a relationship. Talking to him I've gathered that he expects his girlfriend to not talk to any other guys, and expect their world to evolve around him. And I don't care. He is the most unhealthiest type of boyfriend you can have. And I want him. I would do it all for him, without a doubt.

It's coz he's so scared of falling in love. He's scared of having it chucked back in his face. And I don't blame him. Love is the only emotion that can elevate you and then drop you just like that. After what I've been through in the last year, I know why he's scared. I couldn't imagine hurting him.  

This is crazy. This break away from uxbridge was meant to make me forget my feelings for him. FML. Why the fudge do I want him so bad? This is Insane. I'm going to go to bed. WTF????

If Only

Daniel called me today, with more problems with his on again off again girlfriend. He wants to break up with her, because she's annoying him by hanging around with guys that are her mates from uni and living her life. Its a lose lose situation for her, because last time they had a row, he wantd her to talk to him about what she does in the day and who she's going out with, just so he knows. Now she's doing that and he doesn't like it.

Thing is I understand where he's coming from. He wants to be the only man in her world. And he's scared that her being "exposed" to all these guys, she might fall for someone else, and he's afraid of giving her everything because he might end up getting hurt. And I was like that with me ex to an extent. I made him my everything and made him feel secure in a relationship. And I wanted no-one but him.On top of that he thought she was that girl, and now to adapt to someone as they change is the hardest time because you feel like your losing them. When my ex started changing I held on harder. It was either that or let go, and I wasn't ready then to let go.

But I know Daniel is falling in love with this girl. Yes, his other mates are right, he can do better than her, but it's not about looks. I know from the way he's talked about her that he feels something for her that he's found in no other girl. He should be with her, because she does what needs to be done for a healthy relationship, and that's enough distance and enough time apart, so that the time together is that much more special. I think. I don't know what they are like together. I'm just assuming.

His fears hold him back. Talking to him it sounded like he just wanted to end it. He seems to have already made up his mind. I told him he was being unreasonable, and tried to make him see things from her side. He just wasn't having any of it, going on about how she wasn't respecting him and how she knows what he's like and should think of the consequences of her actions. I told him he was unfair for asking her to change her ways so much. He's going to lose her the way he's going. Bottom line is if he thought she was worth the risk. It's him that needs to change in that relationship. He needs to trust and get past his insecurities.

Only thing was, when he was telling me what he wanted from her, there was a small tiny voice in my head saying I can do all these things for you, that you want. It was saying tell him, tell him you can do it. Tell him you can be that girl!!

But like I said I can spot rejection a mile off. Whats the point of being honest and tell him directly how I feel about him and risk our friendship? I'm not fucking stupid. So I just focused on giving him good adivce that benefited him the most because that's what good friends do. And since that's all I'm ever going to be to him I, I might as well do that good and properly. Wish I was in Uxbridge today :(

Monday, 18 April 2011

Rambings

I've finished my weekend shifts at Primark, so I'm going to be at home for the longest period of time since christmas. And I hardly saw the family then due to my Swine Flu and Grandad being in hospital. It's been a lot harder even for the small amount of time I am home in the weekends, since my grandad's been home. Don't get me wrong, I love my Grandparents, but they have the tendency to overtake the house everytime they are here, and forget they are guests in my Dad's house. It's hard for me to come home and see my Dad be undermined by my Grandad, and to see my grandma unsettle the dynamics of our household by her manipulative ways. I come home vry weekend to my very stressed out parents who use every opportunity they get to vent their frustrations pent up from week. I've been working pratically all weekend, but the few hours I have been at home, I've just heard more and more stories of how they've done this that or the other. It annoys me that my Mum can't leave the house and have a good time with her friends without getting emotionally blackmailed by my grandmother. And it further annoys me when my parents do anything and everything for them and they show no gratitude, and have just coem to expect it. On the other hand, a small gesture by one of the other three of their kids, and it's like the whoel world should stop and applaude them. I'm glad I've come hoem though, My mum seems so happy that I'm here, and even my Dad seems more cheery than usual. It must be hard for them too getting used to not having both their kids in the house all the time. She called me after I finished work telling me I have bread to eat when I get home, and she's made me my fave Biriyan (NOM) and she's been giving me kisses non-stop. She can't stop smiling. I wish I could do this for her more often. I miss being in the house when it's just me mum dad and my sis. Even when my sis comes around occasionally, my grandad will keep an eye on her and watch where she goes in the house. It's not fair, right nor necessary. They are here till August. Weekdays I guess are going to be the hardest. That's when I'm going to have to sit there, and answer my grandmothers a billion questions. I guess I should't complain, she must enjoy having company, but when she starts talking about the boy from India (who I'm marrying some point in my life apparently) I cant help but feel the conversation was just a build up to that point, and it annoys me. And her million repetitive questions, I don't know if I can take that on top of my last minute revision. And I can't sit in my room, because then she'll just sit there and complain how they don't ever see me, but if I sit downstairs, her million questions will drive me mad. One sigh or one wrong answer and that's it she'll start getting all emotional. And i'm sure my grandad will be watching me closely to makesure I do all the cleaning and the washing that I'm supposed to be doing. Gosh I miss the flat already. I'll have a more meaningful post when I'm procrastinating. Oh and I'll update on Daniel tomorrow! I'm too tired, and there's not much to tell, so it can wait! Goodnight x

Friday, 15 April 2011

Fate Will Lead You To Your Destiny

I'm kinda bummed out that my quest to find superman has so far only been about Daniel. He isn't my superman and I already know this, so why am I wasting my time fixating on him? I talked to Helen about this yesterday, and she kind of made me realise that possibly Daniel isn't the person that I really want to be with. After my previous relationship. I think I just want someone that is able to look after me and someone who I can be proud of. Daniel just happens to fit that category, and he is really good looking, especially when he smiles. He thinks about things more deeply, like about life and stuff, even if he does have the wrong views on it. On top of that he will soon acquire a motorbike, and my ideal boyfriend has always had a motorbike. But the way he is with girls and the way he holds back just to protect himself -

Actually no, I'm going to stop talking right there. I'm writing all this stuff, and where I was going with this was that maybe I just liked him because he fit my ideal and I was just infatuated. But if that was true, why am I finding excuses for all his bad points. The bad points of him definetly outweigh the good points. There are plenty of guys out there like him, who could actually WANT me. Yet I still can't bring myself to look around. He's controlling and over protective and cocky. I hate these chracteristics, but I still find myself telling myself that it's okay. I want to be with him. This is stupid. I am never going to be with him. HE DOESN'T WANT ME! arghhhhhhhhh this is crazy. I have to stop this now, if I go any further I'm going to damage our friendship. 2 week break from uni, going back to mum's. Maybe I just need a break from him. Use the two weeks to branch out and find some more suitable candidates for my quest.

I think Helen's read my post, especially the "When do you stop having fun and be a slag" post, because yesterday when I was talking to her, she was like enjoy being single (again), and before I could even pose the question of how do you enjoy it, she elaborated herself. She was like be selfish. Being in a relationship means having to think of someone else, and compromising certain aspects of your life for someone else. When your single the only person you ever have to think about is yourself. Thing is, I've never just lived for myself. The past 5 years I spent living for my ex. Since the age of 14 and all the time I was growing up, I did things for him. And that I miss so fucking much. I miss having to do stuff for other people and making someone else happy. Seeing him happy made me happy. But I have to live, I can try and be selfish just for me. Somehow :S I'll figure it out

Anyway coming back to the point of fate, I was talking to Helen once about Fate, and she said she wouldn't think about things like that. Something about how it makes her stress out a lot. But yeah, when I was younger, I always thought that I had control of where my life would go, and what I would do with it. When I was with my ex I thought yes this is it, the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I had never been so sure about anything in my life, and at a point we were fighting everything just to be together. Circumstances, unlucky turn of events... everything we were fighting, just to make us work. For example if I had got 30 minutes to see him one day, after a week of nothing, it would be inevitable the bus would be late, and the bus driver would change and there would be stupid amounts of traffic and some nosey aunty would see us. I don;t believe that nothing but a greater force could have seperated the inseperable. Spending the rest of my life with him was not my destiny, and despite how hard I tried to make it so, the turn of events that took place after were so dramatic sudden and altering, that there is no way that it could have just happened. There must be a system of some sort that interlinks the earth and all it's species to follow the path to lead to the greater objective. I'm not saying that we have no Free will what so ever. I had the free will to fight of what has been determined for me for that long. But there are some events that are determined to happen in your life and it will. Maybe the say 'falling' in love because it is so irreversible, once you have the courage to jump, then that's it. And you don;t know what you're falling into, and at first it's scary. Ad when you realise you ain't going to hit rock bottom anytime soon you just enjoy falling, because it starts to feel like flying. And it's euphoric. There has to be a really strong wind or a tornado or something to put you back from where you jumped from. To stop you from flying and pull you back. That's what fate is, it says right I know you needed that experience so you are better prepared for what I have in store for you, but that's enough of that, you have a destiny to fulfill, back to work. And that's why you're so angry and upset when you break up, because walking is so shit compared to flying, but we all move on because we have to. I know some of you may not agree with me, but I just cannot believe that something that we were so sure about, that it was pratically set in stone, can be changed by free will. There has to be something else.

If, by some crazy insane reason I was meant to be with Daniel, then I'm sure fate will come along and push me off the edge. But I don't really trust myself to make my own decisions at the moment, so I'm standing here, feet firmly on the ground and looking for another direction to walk. All I know for sure now is that if I fall for Daniel, there's just going to be a very shallow swimming pool not far below, and the climb back won't be very hard, but it'll be exhaustive, and I'm not wasting my time to go back to where I am now. I'm on a quest and I want to see some positive results sooner rathe than later

Thursday, 14 April 2011

The After Effects

I am stunned. One conversation that started in the corner of Brunel Library has had such a profound effect to my blog. I can't help but feel some sort of gratitude towards Daniel eventhough I'm still peeved that he found and read the content of my blog.

So yeah his cynical view on love and relationships has managed to bring me more hits in one day than I got altogether in the last month. Yesterday, I even got my first TWO blog comments. I can see why blogging is so addictive. Having people comment on your thoughts and experiences is rather heartening. I was so excited yesterday when my pageviews were just going up and up, and according to referring sites, people have emailed and and posted my blog on their facebooks!! This is MY blog that gets like 1 or 2 hits at most in a day, and just that would give me a feeling of elevation. So when i was geting hits in the 20's and 30's I was pratically sitting in the library looking like I'm going to burst, and with my headphones in, I'm sure I earned a few strange looks for letting slip a giggle every now and then. You can probably tell I'm a little new to all of this. But yeah, my point being, Thankyou, to all of you who have taken the time out to read the crap I write on here and offering to share your own experiences. (",)

Anyhoo... I was sitting in the library yesterday when I saw Daniel walk in. He was standing there talking to a bunch of girls. And I don't know if it was because of being nervous or what. It probably was, but I felt this really strange feeling in my stomach when I saw him. Like you know when you're on a rollercoaster and it suddenly drops, and you get that feeling in your stomach. Yeah that. Then he sat with them for ages, and I thought maybe he might just not come over and just leave. Which I didn't want him to do. He came over eventually, and gave me one of his big man hugs. I'm glad he's okay with me like it hasn't affected us as much as I thought it would, but somethings still a little different. It's like he's holding back a little now, he's not as himself as he was. Which I guess is a good thing because he might think he's leading me on and doesn't want to do that. And i appreciate it. But he isn't leading me on, I know it isn't ever going to happen and I'd rather he went back to his normal self.

Anyway after he went, the comments appeared, and they all really put into words what I've wanted to say to him, even some of the things that I hadn't realised. I had to tell him about the comments etc, after all if it wasn't for him my blog would still only be getin 1 or 2 hits a day. And it was nice to have someone to share this with. His response was "See I told you I can get you more views!." He seemed to share my excitement about it, and it's something I have I share with only him. He was really intrigued about the comments I had recieved, and I really wanted him to read it because they would have spoke well to him. So i copied and pasted it to him, and he argued that I had put across his argument wrong. He wanted to see what I had written, and my need for him to see he was wrong was overriding my need to keep my blog a secret. So I compromised and copied and pasted him just my post. He told me off for totally missing his point. I asked him to correct me and he didn't. He tried to change the point he was arguing and saying he didn't say you fall in love less eachtime you go into a new relationship etc. He said he would write a reply to us. But I wouldn't hold my breath, because he said he would call and explain it all to me and he didn't. It's good he's changing what he's saying anywasy because it means he's coming round to my way of thinking. Better for him to realise somethings aobut love now, while he falls in love with her, instead of going into it blindly. Usually it's those that try to protect themselves so badly that get hurt the most.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Ever Get The Feeling That Something Was Meant To Happen??

When I went to bed finally yesterday, the dream I had the night before came back to me.

I dreamt that Helen and the Primark lot had found out about my blog, and one of the girls was really mad about the stuff I had written about her. It was weird because I don't even care to talk to this girl much, and in my dream I saw in my blog where her name was kinda all over it. And I hadn't even written anything bad, just happened to mention her, but she was really mad and I felt like absolute shit. And then yesterday he happened to find it. And I was so scared that he was going to react to it the way that girl did in my dream. Something did change though. The way he reacted to somthing I had written, I knew then that the dynamics had changed. Hmm, things seem that much worse in the morning.

Hmmm, easter soon anywasy, I can finally go home and catch up with my mates. I'm kind of missing them a lot today.

I had another really weird dream today. It started with me and Daniel on a Bench on Hillingdon road watching the traffic go by, and I was telling him about the dream I had about the Primark girl having a problem with my blog. And then for some reason I was on the phone to my ex at the same time, and he got really angry because he was like "you're never going to get over him," and I just cut the phone to my ex, to try and convince Daniel that he was the one I wanted to be with and that nothing in the world, least of all my ex, was going to change that. And i got that same feeling when from my previous dream where I just felt totally and utterly shit. Then Daniel turned into this ugly goliath guy and I was fighting for him harder than when he was Daniel, because in my dream I knew it was still him and I still wanted him just as bad. Then ugly goliath boy turned into Helen and I was continuing tell her about my dream and the blog incident and we were walking through the Brunel pathway and when we came out if it we were somewhere totally on the otherside of uni, and I couldn't remember how we got there. And I stopped telling her about my dream, to ask her how we got there, and she was acting like nothing had happened. Then she turned into my mum and I was on the phone to my ex telling continuing to tell him about my blog story. Then I was going into my mum's house when in my dream I consciously became aware that I was talking to my ex, so I hung up the phone on him and woke up.

Daniel also challenged me to delete my Ex from my bbm. I did. for once the xBf hasn't kicked up a fuss about it and has let it be. That's that then. Maybe it's coz he thinks he won't have to give me the money he owes me then.

Why Did It Have To Be You

Everything happens for a reason, but I fail to understand why fate bought Daniel to my blog. Well its not fate, no actually it was my bloody browser history.

If you've been following my story, you would understand why I wouldn't want him out of all people to know I'm Miss Superman. But he did his all emotional blackmail crap, where he questioned my trust and asked to know what was in it that was so bad that I had to hide it from him. I couldn't tell him that in my blog I had mentioned a couple of times how I may have been slightly falling for him, or how big his cock was :$.

Amongst other things. I really didn;t want him to know that I may have been developng feelings for the idiot, because I wouldn't want anything jeopardising ur friendship first. He seems to have taken it all rather well, and read with some interest, but he did read something which made him change his whole manner towards me and made him want to leave. It was the post where I was talking about falling for him, the guy and girls cant be friends one. I think.

He asked me why I named him Daniel. I didn't tell him it was inspired from Ugly Betty. Throughout the whole of that show, Betty and Daniel were friends, and he looked out for her and he was her friend and she his. They cared about eachother a lot and always had eachother's back. And for me to have him as my Daniel is all I really ask for. I know I had feelings for him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to act on it. I know I'm not the type of girl a lot of people want to be with. Yes Daniel realises at the very end once Betty has found herself and what she wants to do with her life, that he wants her and only her. I don't ever expect that to happen (well not until he has a dozen other relationships and nearly gets married) but the way Betty saw Daniel for the majority of the show is how I see my Daniel. That's not a bad thing is it?  And all he wanted to know was what sexual stuff I had written about him. Pfft. Just goes to show where his minds at. And to be quite honest I am quite pissed at him, because I pratically begged him not to read it. And he did it anyway. My blog's the one place where I can just rant on and on and on, without really being judged and therefore be completely honest. Anyway there's noway he can find my blog without my login again because he didn't see the url because I was logged in and he saw the posts in edit and he has a memory of a fish and you cant find me on google unless you search the url. So im good :) Just Delete My History!! Grr hopefully.

"You Only Fall In Love Once" - Well to that extent anyway... W T F?

Daniel is such a behaviourist! I have soo much to tell you guys about today! I don't even know where to start, but the beginning is always a good place. So right, Daniel called me to go to the library today, and it was the same old shizzle. Go for food, driving around blah blah blah. Got to the library and everything was quite normal until Sam decided to go home and sleep. Me and Daniel actually attempted to do some work, until he said something so outrageous, I couldn't not argue it.

"I can never be with a girl who has been in love before." With a look of pure shock and horror, I ask him why. He replied "Because she will never feel about you the same way she did with her first love" Which is total and utter bullshit. Because to be fair right, I've been daydreaming about what it'll be like to be with a guy. Like I'd be walking down the street with my headphones in, and I'd think hmm if I had a boyfriend I'd be walking hand in hand with him or I'd kick him and run! Lol But I would have never thought, hey you know what, I love you but my last boyfriend was a dick, so you must be the same way, so I'm going to love you less and never trust you completely and always doubt your intentions and never ever feel the same sort of love for you.

And I couldn't argu with him at the time, because I couldn't find a way to argue my point to him without him twisting it and forving his views on me. But after a good old conversation with Helen, it's more clear to me that I'm right. He is an idiot. He has never been in love and there his is passing judgment on the matter. I know that when I fall in love again, (clearly not with him the cynical and cocky idiot that he is) I will not let my past relationship interfere into my current relationship. For arguments sake, lets say by some freak chance I did get with Daniel, and he did treat me right. Yes I would be questioning if he's cheating on me at first, not because my ex slept around in freshers week, but because I know what he's like with other girls. But then I wouldn't need him to reassure me, because I already have got to know him, and I knew what I was getting myself in to and that I had decided the risk was worth taking, and so I can't really hold that against him. And furthermore, I could reassure myself because I know that  he does have good self control (I must admit) and that despite everything he wouldn;t actually cheat on me. This is all hypothetical ofcourse. I'm just giving an example. Furthermore, I wouldn't fall in love with him, till we had been going out with for a while and  I knew that I was safe in that relationship.

What he doesn't understand is that Love isn't a half way thing. and that feeling of being complete and whole is so interlinked with that it cannot be seperated from the other. In your first ever relationship where you fall in love, it's not acutally love, because you don't actually know what you want. You just want the ideal. Speaking from experience of my previous relationship, it was only when things went wrong that I realised that the important things in a relationship wasn't being in eachother's faces all the time, but rather being able to go back to eachother at anytime, when you want to leave the rest of the world behind and just find comfort in eachother. And just knowing that your other half will alway be there for you is worth more to me than any Tiffany bracelet or romantc weekend away (though they would still be very lovingly appreciated). Love is being able to trust someone enough for you to give them your all.

He put across his argument by seperating love, Giving someone your all and the feeling of being complete as three seperate entities. But when you fall in love nothing else matters, and how can he possibly understand it, if he's never been subject to the stupid ways in which love overrules common sense? He'll come to realise it himself. But the way he was talking about his girlfriend, they really do seem to have something special, and I wouldn't want to get in between all that. The way he was talking about her it seems very clear to me that he's in love. If anything that conversation was just a wake up call, that this was never designed to be easy. I was under false impressions from previous experience that I would always have a guy to be with, but somewhere along the lines, I fell back into being the unoriginal typical indian girl. I need to get back my individuality that set me apart from girls like that. Maybe I'm just trying too hard. I know that the old me would never ever have gone after Daniel, because he had his girl. But, there's just something about his stupid self that takes away all sense of reason.

He did say one thing though that really got to me. He said that everytime you get into a relationship with someone, the next relationship you'll feel less complete because you'll have more doubts. At the time what he said to me made sense, beacuse he's one of those people that will turn whatever argument you have and turn it on its head so that your point now somehow magically supports his point. Which is just stupid now, because if anything, each relationship will make you love more, and appreciate more. They say that everything happens for a reason, and for a long time I've been questioning why the past 5 years had happened. The answer being because I had to have that bad relationship so that I didn't miss it when something good came along. And maybe Daniel who argues that trying that extra bit harder to prove to a girl done wrong by her ex that he's going to treat her exactly right is just not worth it, maybe just isn't the type of guy that I want to invest my time in after all.

Anyway, getting back on the playing field is a process, and skipping steps will give you a very shitty result. I have to find out who I am first. Backtracking. Fast.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Blogs are evil evil evil!!

He came around, and went through my browser history, and found the blog. And he read it. And then he left. I don't think he found it as funny as he expected it to.
By he I mean Daniel.
Least he liked his name.
FML - I googled me and I don't think he can find me. Not that he'd want to read anymore of this shit. He read it up to that point where I had said I was "falling for him". Okay I have a number of posts I want to share with you today, this will be temporary post whilst I makesure my blog is accessible to people but still not to him. He didnt see my url, I don't think, because he read posts while I was logged in on my account. Hopefully it'll be alright :)

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Too Little Too Late

I finally found the courage to turn around to my xBf and tell him to leave and stay out of my life for good. And I didn't even feel shit doing it, it was like cutting away at ropes that were holding me back. Only thing is now, he's holding on tighter than ever before. He once told me that he would stop trying as soon as he found out that I had moved on and found someone else. So i told him I had moved on and found someone else. It didn't work at all. If anything it's makign him fight harder, now, when I can't even see myself with him. He was pratically begging, and the more he did it the more angry I felt. Like today I was coming back to East Ham, like I do every weekend. He bbm's me going where are you, what time will u be home. Can I come see you? I say no you can't come see me, and that's it he just accepts that and has the "well I tried you said no, there's nothing else I can do" attitude and just goes back to pleading me to be his girlfriend, without taking a second to think why there is no way in hell I'm going back to him so easily after all the heartbreak he caused. I need a guy like, you know that song by The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved, where he refuses to go until she comes to that corner where they first met... I'm not saying I want a guy who would actually do that, but I want a guy who's willing to, and in a situation like my xBf he could do so many things then just tell me he's changed and beg me to be his girl again.

Like he kept going on about how he has always been there for me, and all for the past year or so, he hasn't been there for me, like when I had swine flu during christmas and new years and I called him and messaged him, and he kept cutting my calls and ignoring me. Or all the times he said he would do this and has let me down. I see no reason why I should give him yet another chance and risk getting hurt again. But that's my head talking. On Facebook, you can bak like years of wall posts now, and on his wall, it's just all me, and it just reminded me of how loved up we were. How he was my world, and there was some pictures of allthe fun we used to have, and I really miss that. I miss who he used to be. Can a person really change back to the person they used to be? They say people can't change, but he did change. He can just as easily change back right?

Maybe if he really did try to win me back instead of just saying it, I could - actually no. I couldn't. I could never love him the way I used to. I could never trust him. I could never get over what he did to me. And i can never ever be proud of him the way I used to be, and that's the honest truth. And this whole process, it changed me in ways I thought not possible. I've had so many realisations, and now I'm on track. I know what it is I need to do. I can't change back, because I don't want to. Being with him just isn't worth the sacrifices I would have to make.

I went westfields with Helen and Norman today. It's really hard to not feel like a third wheel with them, with their cutesy hand holding hugging and kissing and their secret language. I spent the day following them around fantasizing about the moment Daniel realised it was me all along.

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

When Do You Stop Having Fun And Become A Slag??

I've made a change. I'm not slagging around anymore. And I'm sticking to it. I've accepted that I can never get a guy like Daniel to be mine. I need a man to take care of me and someone I can take care back of. Someone I can point to and say yeah, he's my man.

So I had the plan of revising yesterday, but once I had cleaned and bathed and straightened my hair, Sam and Daniel called me to go out, and I spent the day with them in Feltham. We went to Chiquito's for dinner and some arcade and then Frankies and Benny's for the Hot Waffle Toffee Crunch! Do not die without having this dessert! It's the best!

Sorry, while I was writing this post, Daniel called and he came around. We spent some time in the flat while I got ready, and said that I looked hotter than usual :). He also said that if he was not with his girlfriend he would have slept with me, which isn't what I really want to hear. I'm not being his sex buddy. I need more from him. I'm hoping that if I bide my time then maybe one day he might fall for me. Will I really be that lucky though? No. He bought me my slouch jeans from River Island today. And he hung out of my window and stole me letters that are stuck outside my building that and stole me the letters that make up my initials. Then me Sam and Daniel went to uni and played football. Yes I kicked the ball. Yes I was good. I was better than Sam =D! lol. I haven't ran around that much for the past year I tell you! It felt good to be really a part of them especially when things were so up in the air last week. I touch wood that atleast I can call them my friends for a while yet.

Friday, 1 April 2011

A boy and a girl CANNOT be friends... Oh yeah? I'll show you (Eventhough you have a point)

So yesterday Sam and Daniel were in the library, and they seemed in a much better mood. They expected me to sit with them which was nice, as I thought that was as good as over. Anyway we went to Nandoes for lunch, where I didn't really spend much because I got a free half chicken with my Nandoes card and I only had to buy chips, so don't tell me off for wasting money! Daniel had already had a go at me about it all, and how I need to do overtime and how I shouldn't be in a position where I end up having to starve. But I really don't know how I got into this situation, reckless spending yes, and lending money to the ex also. But it's April today... when I get paid and when my loan comes through at the end of this month, I'm going to be so much more sensible with my money. Granted I shopped a lot when I Was breaking up with my ex and being really foolish and generous with money, but I don't regret doing it even when I'm in this situation because shopping made me hapy, and it helped me fill the void when I missed him a lot. Anyway it was nice that Daniel was lecturing me this way because atleast he cares. When Sam went outside for a fag, he offered to lend me money, but I refused to take it. It goes against my principles. I don't borow from my mates, it can only end badly.

Anyway we went back to uni, and we were sitting in the hub (the SU bar) and started playing 21 dares, and it was a good laugh. We haven't laughed like that in ages. Anyway we went onto playing 21 truths, which lead to Daniel talking about his problems with his on again off again girlfirend. And he was going on about how he's s protective of his girlfriend and how he doesnt like it if the girl he's going out with goes out clubbing to and talks to other guys and how he doesn't like how she dresses sometimes or how she doesn't tell him anything about her nights out and the guys that does talk to her. Which is understandable because he don't want her talking to guys, but her not saying anything makes her sound suspicious and what not. I know it's really twisted and I was quite surprised at how controlling he is, but it's just a reflection of his own personality. And writing this out right now I know my feelings for him are more absurd, but I cant help but feel something for him, I would love to be his girlfriend.


But I know that I would never be that girl to him. I'm tired of being this girl, that everyone wants as a fuck buddy or someone they turn to for advice etc. I want to be their the one. I have so much more to give. And I never used to be the girl that used to sleep around, but when these situations arise, IT's the only time I feel wanted and if for that one monent I can fool myself that that guy wants me, then I'll go with it, because at the end of it I miss feeling wanted. And Daniel gives that me... that night when we kissed, he held me so close and he was so passionate and it was something else. In that moment he wanted me.

But I know it will never happen between me and Daniel. So I'm just going to forget these feelings and be his friend. He said to me yesterday that a guy and a girl can never be friends, without one falling for the other. And while I am falling for him, he doesn't know that, so I'm going to be a friend to him and prove to him that he is wrong. I gave him some advice on his girl, which I haven't done since I broke up with my ex, because I was so annoyed with love and making things work that I just stopped getting into other people's relationships beacuse my spite would have just ruined theirs as well. But now I'm over him and over that, and I just want what evers best for my mates so I can atleast do the best I can for them.

He left his jacket with me when he went to meet his girlfriend, and didn't come back. So I wore it home because it was cold out, and it just smelt of him. And I was surrounded by his scent and it was like I was walking in our own little bubble. Then I took it off. I'm never going to be his, and he will never be mine. Getting over it and moving on. The search goes on...