Friday, 27 May 2011
So we got ready, I wore my most amazing dress that I bought from Miss Selfridge, feeling so bloody confident (confident enough to show off my legs!! Eeeek LOL) we started off by going to the Cinema and watching Pirates of the Caribbean and drooling over Johnny Depps exceptionally well defined eyes. We got a cab and went to the hotel where Helen works. It was kind of what I had expected her work place to be but nicer.
Anyway so we're having our meal, and a bottle of wine between us. Wine is disgusting. But I managed to gulp down liek 2 and half glasses of it, because one, Helen was complaining I wouldn;t get tipsy with her, and two I didn't want to let her down and not drink. We started rambling and told eachother just how unexpected we found our friendship, and went on gushing about how much we really appreciated eachother and it was really nice to hear that she loved me just as much as I loved her, and she needed me too. She told me that she was so proud to see me enjoying my life again and wanted me to wait for a guy who's going to love me and appreciate me in the way she does. She reminded me that I am special and unique. She also reminded me why she's glad that I've stopped wanting o settle for Daniel. She said outright that she would be sad to see me settle for someone like him, because to her she thinks I can do so much better and will be better off without the mind games. In so many ways she's like my conscience, telling me everything I know and further affirming my own ideas to me. I really have succeeded in terms finding myself because of her support. She reassured me that she was always going to be here, and she told me that Norman also felt the same way, and if I ever needed him all I had to do was call him whatever time, wherever I was.
When we finished out meal, was when I realised just hot drunk Helen had gotten, and I sobered up pretty damn fast, because I knew I had to look after her. We went to toilets, and she was complaining that I was pretending to be drunk to amuse her, which I was. I really wanted to be drunk with her and just enjoy the evening with her on that level, my vision was blurred, and my hand-eye co-ordination wasn't the best, but I wasn't drunk, I was so aware of my actions and thoughts and more importantly of hers. We went to the bar for more drinks, and honestly I literally gulped down two glasses of Malibu and Lemonade, and I felt nothing. By the time we got into the cab to go to the club my vision had pretty much returned to normal, and Helen seemed to have just got more drunk.
We was walking to Liquid, the club down the road from us, and in that time Helen had already smashed a bottle, and ran away from me. I was getting worried at this point, and contemplated taking her home, but she insisted we have a good time, and I didn't want to let her down. She hadn't had fun for so long. When we got to the front of the queue to get into Liquid, she was very well composed and I knew she was not that far gone. She even talked to the bouncer in a very normal sober manner and she did nothing that was silly.
We didn't get into liquid, it was packed out because it some army night thing. So we decided to go to academy, our Brunel on campus club. We met these two guys in the line at Liquid, who I knew from my secondary school. They were in the year above me, and I knew their other friends in the same group pretty well, so I knew they weren't dickheads. They walked with us, me keeping my arms locked with Helen's incase she decided to do a runner. A couple of times she stumbled and grabbed onto one of the guys hand, which I kept trying to take away. Norman had called me and her a couple of times, but I didn't want to answer in case he realised how druk Helen was and I was waiting to text him once I got into a club. But as we crossed the road, he pulled up at the traffic light. I totally panicked, he rolled down the window and asked me to bring Helen to him. I must have been still fro atleast a minute, trying to figure it out in my head, before he demanded I take Helen to him. He got out and he told her to get in through the drivers seat and slide on to the passenger's side. Then he turned around to me and told me fuck off, got in his car and shut the door and drove away. The look he gave me when he told me to fuck off, I knew that he blamed me and he hated me in that moment. I felt so sick in my stomach.
Then I walked wherever my feet took me. I was crying really badly and I didn;t realise how much I was crying until a stranger ansked me if I was ok. I snapped out of it then and realised that I first I was cold and second I needed to get somewhere safe. I instinctively called Daniel. I don't remember the conversation, but I do remember him telling me to stay where I was and that he was coming to get me. He came and I got in his car and he just hugged me. I sat in that car rambling. I remember telling him that I had ruined Helen's relationship and that it was my fault. And how much Norman hated me. And how I jinxed my own happiness. How I knew it was all going to come cashing down. Once that was all out, I knew that I wasn;t going back to the flat. I couldn't face the mess that my mistakes had caused. I wasn't going to go back and face his judgmental dissapproving comments. All I wanted, really was to take a night bus to east london. Nothing is more comforting to me than public transport and the city of London. The flourescent lights, and the buzz that exists behind the sleeping city, it draws me in. And that's where I needed to be. I also realised that Daniel thought I was over-reacting. And maybe I was, but at that time, with all those things running around in my head I was going crazy with anxiety. I couldn't stop the tears. He was just sitting there texting his girlfriend, trying to make me stay at Sam's etc. I told him to just drop me to a bus stop, he said no I'll drop you to east london. I said no. Because he would make me go back to my east london home. And that's not where I wanted to go. He wasn't going to give me the comfort and security that I needed at that point because he thought I was pathetic. And I needed someone who would, and that person was in East London. I didn't want him to take me. So he stopped and made me call Norman. The first time I called him, he was still angry. and He wouldn't let me talk to Helen. So I hung up. I called him again, and he let me talk to her, but they were worried and he assured me that I he wasn't at me and he wanted me safe. My plan was to go back and if it kicked off, I would leave. Daniel tried to make me promise that I wouldn't leave the flat once he dropped me and asked me to wave from my window as he drove past, but I didn't promise him, neither did I wave from my window.
When I went up Helen had ripped down everything of her and Norman and was very very drunk. She had let it engulf her and she embraced it to leash out her anger she had held in for so long. All the little things that she had been repressing inside of her had come out and there was no stopping it. She was soo angry at him. And he was angry at me. He said to me that there was a reason why He and Anika don't let her get drunk, and that there was things that I didn't know and that I had only known her for like two weeks, and i knew nothing about her. It was a slap in the face. Anika would never have let her get into that state. I don't deserve people like her in my life, and I knew it. He just reaffirmed that. I went into the kitchen and Helen was crying, saying that I didn't know her and that there was things that I didn't know and that one day she would tell me. Norman was threatening to leave her. I put them both in their room, made her talk to me while he listened about whatever was on her mind. When they finally started talking to eachother I left.
The next morning, I just felt like shit. I knew I had screwed up. I was glad to hear that the two of them were okay. But waking up after all those days of happiness and feeling content with the people of my life, to feeling unworthy of them just bought me right back down. I was familiar with this place anyway. I knew from the right off, I can't be a good friend to anyone, and if anyone has me in their life, then their life is inevitably going to fuck up. Hard lessons that I learnt in secondary school, which I should never have forgotten. Helen woke me up in the morning trying to piece together the events of yesterday, and assuring me that I had done right by her and that she and Norman were not mad at me at all. It's only a matter of time before they realise anyway. I can feel the dynamics have changed anyway. Oh well, I do better on my own anyway, no need to feel obliged to anyone else, or let them get that close. It only means I'll let them down sooner or later, so what's the point?
I was talking to Helen after about all the things she had told me yesterday. She is so good at shying away from her own thoughts. She is her own worst enemy and she causes so much pain for herself. I stroked her hair until she went to sleep yesterday and while I was she asked me what I was thinking, and I told her I was praying. She talked so much, but so superficially, still hiding away from her feelings, and I felt lost at times at what to say. Life has treated her so cruelly, and I prayed if God could take away her sorrows, allow her to access what she's repressed for so long and deal with her emotions from then, so that she could move on. God has listened at the most unexpected times, but I really need him to listen now. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. She is the most pure hearted person in the world that I know, not an evil thought crosses her mind. She doesn't deserve a conflicted mind. I prayed that god would release her from the self torture she puts herself through. I hope he listens to me.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
It's good to know that Helen needs me as much as I need her. Her and Norman have been a bit rocky recently. It's the one thing I can help her with, because me and my ex had a countless number of rocky patches. In fact the last year or so of our reltaionship was just a endless rocky patch. We were meant to go to brick lane and central to do a bit of shopping, but Norman had work and so she had to stay at his the night before. She was meant to come back in the morning, but she didn't and they argued about it more. She said she would be home in the evening, and Daniel had called asking to meet up and go to the cinema. I was waiting for him to come pick me up when Helen got home earlier than expected. She just burst into tears. And it was so clear in my head for the first time. Like I knew straight away that I couldn;t say anything to make this better, and me usually being awkward in situations like this, just automatically hugged her, and let her get it out of her system. I knew instinctively that she didn't want to talk, after she had stopped crying, and all she needed was a tea and that she would talk at her own pace in her own time without me pushing her. She has her process and I realise that I have to let people deal with things in their own way and come to terms with things in their own way, and be there however they need you. I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was not going out with Daniel. I bb'd him and told him I couldn't see him. No explanation no nothing. And I didn't even care, my only concern was Helen. And I never thought I would do that, for so long I always put my ex before my friends and dropped my whole life for him, and here I am now with my priorities straight. He just read the msg and didn't reply back, and I gave him no further contact there after.
After me and Helen had talked things out and she had made sense of everything, we took the train and went into central. I saw the most amazing pair of rollerblades, which I couldn;t get because they were like £200, but soon as I pay rent for the next three months, I'm going to purchase them! I got a skateboard instead. Named him spolly :) He is rather sexy. Felt so right, it was like it was just another part of me that I had found. Going to be harder to learn it, but I reckon I can do it. I found the most amazing dress as well (on sale) all flowy and light. We had so much fun just checking out all these new stores and when we got home, Norman picked us up, and he they seemed much better. They recognise that they are going through a rocky patch, proably caused by the transition in their lives, and they just have to get past it. It can't always be a perfect walk in the park, relationships take hard work. In a way it kind of makes me appreciate my single life, and not havign to think about how my actions might hurt someone else and living with the prospect that I might end up losing somone I really care about.
Anyway, today I'm going to go to Helen's work place. She works in a Hotel and on her birthday, they give her a like a free three course meal for two, so we're going to have some nom nom food! Laterz!
... I saved this post as a draft, but I now need to post it for its crucial to what happened yesterday. To avoid confusion, I came back to uxbridge on monday, Went shopping on tuesday and the dinner on wednesday.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
I would like to also award my BFF (:$) Theiveena Nirvana (lol) with one of these, because her blog is very much out of this world. She has a very contemporary way of writing, and she is the cutest little doll like thing ever in this world. Check out her blog too A Slut for Summer (not sure I approve of this title, but there it is lol) MY two biggest fan I believe
Other Blogs that you should check out include:
Ana The Imp
Monday, 23 May 2011
Anyway a boy thast I knew from secondary school got back in touch with me recently. Lets call him Bernard. He could be a Bernard. He was one of those boys, that wasn't a geek, but was work focused, but he wasn't one of the cool dossers who wasted their lives away. He was very much into his football and plays COD and all of that shizzle. He used to have a girlfriend but she broke his heart. Anyway I've been talking to him quite a bit, and while he isn't the type of guy I would usually fall for, he's really honestly caring. He has the personality, and I can't really find any fault against him to say that he would be bad for me, unlike Daniel where I can see loads. He's hinted at being my boyfriend soo many times, and asks me questions that really makes me further question my identity and who I have become. But I don't know if I'm considering being with him because he's the only one showing me affection. Like I don't know if I want to settle for second best, eventhough he might be better than Daniel, but right now in my head, I can't see past Daniel. To me he's what I want. It's not fair to even compare the two guys, and I've refrained from thinking that fair ahead, but that doesn't stop me doing it unconsciously. He's coming down on Wednesday to sit and "talk" to me about everything, in terms of his ex and other stuff. He really seems to want to get some stuff of his chest.
Daniel said he would come see me after work today. Then he didn't. Again. Why I bother is beyond me. Maybe Bernard would be better for me. Maybe neither of them are good for me. It's not fair on Bernard to settle for him because he was availabe. Would I be happy saying yeah he's my superman? Let's see shall we?? Im going to have some scrummy tomato soup now :) nom nom nom
P.S. Check my Dream diary blog Dream Splog :) Thanks xx
Anyway they're done now! I could have blogged so many times but another reason I guess I've been putting it off is because of Daniel. I just want to forget him, he keeps playing these mind games that I can't deal with anymore. For instance, his exams finished before mine, and he came to see me and Sam on one of the days. And he wouldn't be left alone with me. Sam wanted to go out with his friends and Daniel insisted he come shopping with us. And Daniel was meant to come and take a look at the fuse box in our flat because the lights went out in the flat, and he said he would, but when Sam asked if he could be dropped off first, Daniel just dropped me to mine and that was that. Maybe it is my fault and he can see that I'm getting to clingy, but I do miss him when I haven't seen him or heard from him for like over a week. It's hard for me to hide such strong emotions. Which is why I want to just take a few days to forget him. But everytime I get on with it, he comes bak and he reminds me why I like him so much, and all his bad points r nothing compared to the way his presence makes everything okay. He called me after my last exam and said he was going to come see me, and he wanted my uni ID to get someone in, and when I told him I didn't have it he called me useless agn and said he'd get it off of someone else and said bye. I was out shopping with Helen at the time and she was like he calls u when he wants something. And in my head I was defending him because I know he feels like he needs an excuse to come see me if I'm out with Helen. But then no I was wrong and Helen was right like she always is because he didn't come anyway.
So yeah that's how deluded I got, to make excuses for him, so yeah need to stop. I jus didn't want to blog about it, because then it's so final isn't it?! But I'm over it now, I'm back to being able to see him as a friend at this distance. Starting again. I know that I will be there for him if ever needed me and I now accept that this isn't reciprocated, and if I ever needed him, he wouldn't be there. I can't rely on him. But I have myself. And Helen. I don't need anyone else.
Helen's been so amazing the past few days. I love her sooo much for everything she's done for me. She's always there for me, keeping me level headed, and I never anticipated getting on with her so well. Touch wood. When I realise daniel wasn't going to show, I felt so like annoyed. In a way it kind of reminded me of when my ex used to leave me like that and I irrationally felt lonely. But she was there and I just linked arms with her and gave her arm a squeeze. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her, but it wasn't the time or place, besides we were celebrating end of exams. Me and her have so many plans this week. Will blog about it as I go. Must also thank my little sister and best friend Nirvana!! (Lol) for the amazing girl she is, and accidentally stumbling across my blog and knowing it was me! If it wasn't for her along with loads of other reminders creeping around I would have put this off longer.
Just on the train back to uxbridge. Think mum and dad might let me stay here for a couple months longer, so just have to find a job in that time. Felt bad though coming home today because my grandparents are staying with my aunt in croydon and dads working night shift, so mum's home alone. I so badly wanted to stay, but If I stay they won't let me go back easily. I stayed yesterday night anyway. I'll figure something out for mum. I'm going to get a job in uxbridge so I can quit primark and spend friday weekend and monday with them :S
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Saturday, 14 May 2011
Was talking to Steve about our marriage pact. And he just drops the line
"yeah its void, coz its not worth beefing my family over"
I mean wtf? I wasn't even talking about it as if I was being serious! It was a time pass joke convo that I was having with him to act as a pick me up from the fact that I had to cut Daniel out of my life (eventually). And it turned into yet another fucking reminder about how I'm just not worth the trouble. The whole reason I'm trying to cut Daniel out is because I'm tired of feeling worthless, and someone else just comes along and chucks it in my face. Like wtf?
Helen's been so supportive over the past week. I love her so much and I thank fate for bringing her into my life. Without her, I don't think I would be so strong, and I would have crumbled and done so many things. She really worried me today though! She went and got in the car of some stranger that she met at her disney store interview who gave her a lift home. I don't usually go all psycho on her, actualy I never have but when I was going through my dark days period, I did something stupid like that. So I instinctually panicked. A guy who was mates with a person I knew started cahtting to me. We talked like nearly everyday, and we agreed to meet up, and he picked me up in his car. And yet again I was doing something that I knew I shouldn't be doing. I shouldn't have even gone, but it was exciting to me at the time. I can't tell you what I was thinking then, because I don't know. I was a very different person with a very different mindset, not thinking about looking after myself. I didn't stick around long enough, before sense kicked in and told me to get out. I don't often think about that night, but when she told me about getting into his car, and she wasn't replying to my messages, those minutes seemed very very long. I think she's annoyed at me for telling her off so much, but I don't care at this moment, as long as she won't ever ever do it again. People are scary, you dont know what they'll do. I just worry really badly. I guess. Apparently he was a really good looking, Rav look a likey special constable from kingston uni looking to transfer to Brunel, so I'm sure he wasn't no serial killer rapist. But then that's what I thought about that guy I thought would be okay to meet him without teling anyone. If I could go back and meet thsat girl that I was then, I would slap her so hard and drag her by the hair and lock her in her room. Stupid me. Stupid Stupid me.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Goulding talks about the song to sky songs: "The Writer is the most personal and emotional song I’ve written yet. It’s about how you’d do anything and change absolutely EVERYTHING about yourself if necessary, just to be noticed by this one person.”
Sunday, 8 May 2011
I didn't see him on monday when I got back, but I saw him on tuesday and sam. It was just a normalish day. Sam is really beginning to annoy me talking about what went on tween us in a take the piss kind of way in the library which annoys the fuck out of me because before he used to know if such a conversation was appropraite or not and now he just doesn't care. Its really bugging me because all week he's been doing it and Daniel joins in. Him with his double standards telling me to stop being that type of giirl and then taking the piss when I've gone back to the old me.
I saw Daniel on wednesday after my exam and seriously its like he was the Daniel I like when he isn't with Sam. He was sitting upstairs with that "I just got done up the arsel" face girl that always gives me dirty looks when I walk past. He came downstairs and we sat and talked for a bit about me going to see a psychic, to which he said no because I would just get my hopes up apparently. Then we went up got his stuff and he came ba to the flat with me to get my stuff so I could revise too. And I was getting changed and he was around. The fact that I felt comfortable enough to do so surprises me because I didn't think I'd be that comfortable with someone so quickly. Scary thoughts. Nehoo I saw him going to call Sam a few times and then cut it, don't know what was going on with them there. We sat in the library, me massaging his stupid head and reading. Even if I found a hot boy in the library, they wouldn't be interested because they'll just think I'm involved with him! Lol I don't mind doing it though, he has longish hair :)
And on thursday it was Helens birthday eve preparatory stuff, so I was kinda busy. Me and Daniel went shopping for his mum and after he drove past mine to fill up on petrol. He went to pay, and he was so cute the way he was pulling faces at me through the window.
See I'm reading back on all of this and it just sounds stupid and needy writing about every little moment I share with him. Like wtf?! See this is why I kept deleting my attempts at this post. I've written so much though, I aint deleting it. If it sounds dumb then tough. Don't care.
Ooo but I forgot the most important bit! I was wearing my superman tshirt on thursday and when we went sainsbury's the checkout man asked me where my superman was? I told him I was still looking for him. Then Daniel came and he goes ahh there's you're superman and. Me and Daniel just looked at eachother, and he was like yeah she wishes, and I was like yeah he aint good enough. Lol checkout man wished me luck in finding superman. :) anyway after Daniel asked me if I wanted his superman t-shirt and yesterday he took a picca and bbmed it to men asking me if I wanted it. I asked him y he didn't want it and he said that he does but it seems I want it more. He said aslong as ur happy, I'm just doing my bit.
If only he knew what would truly make me happy. But apparently he can only give what he can when he can. And he can never give me what I want. Because he knows what could make me happy, but why waste time hoping for "the-word-opposite-of-inevitable" *Sigh*. At uxbridge station. Will update you later on Helen's birthday palava.
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Monday, 2 May 2011
And then he called me.
Asking to find out if I'm coming back today, and to give him a call when I do get there so he can have his watch back, because he feels lost without it.
Least I might get to see him today. Or maybe he'll get his watch back and he can fade out without ever having to look back.