Saturday, 25 June 2011

Catch up and a sneak preview

So, yeah, I kind of spent a whole week in hibernation. After our heart-to-heart in our hotel room, I had to spend a whole week of being by myself, because Helen was going to stay at Norman's or whatever for work. It reminded me of when I was going through my "dark days" and trying to get over my ex. I literally slept for like the whole week, and if I weren't sleeping I was napping on the sofa with E4. I just had this feeling of numbness you know? That pain that I had unleashed was hard to cage back in. I guess the point when I realised I need to come out of it was when Daniel finally called out of the blue.

He had called a couple of times a couple of weeks before that. The first time he called I was with my ExBf. I mean it is just like God to do that though. So typical of him. I could have waited ages for him to call, and then I finally come to terms that I need to stop being a needy cow and get on with my life, THATS when he calls. It was weird, because I had spent the day out with Bernard. It was nice because we went to Camden town and sat by the river and ate our quasdilla. Bernard is really fun to be around. He makes me smile, but he's not someone I could be with. He has ambition and all that but he;s still on his ex and its all just too complicated. Being with him on the train and how easily I fit beside him when the it got crowded, the way his arms were around me in a protective manner, it was nice, but it made me miss my Exbf so badly. That's how I ended up with him, because I ended up going back to east london with Bernard, and my ex was around so he agreed to meet up with me. We were sitting in his car, him feeling rather smug, when Daniel calls. He was at work, but he seemed like he wanted to meet up. I went back to my ex after tht phonecall was over and asked him to drop me to the station. Talking to Daniel reminded me at that moment, what I wanted, and it wasn't a guy like my Ex. Naturally, eventhough I went back, I didn't end up meeting Daniel, but that was expected what with me being with my ex just previously and all, it was bound to get jinxed.

Anyway so since that day I hadn't heard from him. A whole two weeks later, and he comes back to pull me from this dark hole. I wonder if he'll ever know just how much he's helped change my life, how much he's made me stick to my new rules. It was awkward talking to him on the phone again, it was like I didn't know how to hold a conversation, it had been so long since I had talked to anyone before he called. After that I started doing things again. Eating, going out for some fresh air etc. I think his call came on a Thursday. By  monday I had gone to get my nails done. It was easier to pick myself up again this time.

I spent monday morning with my ExBf. I know what your thinking? WTF are u doing right? But you don't understand. After everything that's happened, especially that stuff with Dave, I can't help but think that maybe, I dont deserve a good guy. Maybe my Ex is as good as it is ever going to get you know? He isn't all that bad. So he doesn't do the things a normal boyfriend would do. He doesn't love me and he will never ever be the romantic type of guy that I crave. But atleast I can love him. And he does care about me. It's better than nothing right? Least this was what I'm telling myself when I'm feeling low and lonely. So yeah I went to his on Monday, and he got on my nerves, and we argued ALOT, and then we made up, and sat on the sofa and watched TV and ate food and had a laugh like we always do.

So fake. So superficial. So easy.

And guess who calls me when I'm with him again. Why, Daniel of course. Sometimes, I just think God is playing a really cruel cruel trick on me. I didn't even answer this time, knowing that he would be annoyed if he knew I was out again. I called him back on the train, but he didn't answer. I told him to ring me once he was free on BBM, and he said he wuld but he never got round to it that day. That Monday I got home I was home alone again. Helen came back on Tuesday, but I had nothing much to say to her. I hadn't missed her company, but I was glad she was there. It forced me to stop moping. Daniel came to see me on Wednesday. It was nice to finally see him after so long, and I was surprised just how easy it was for us to get on. Conversation was still easy with us. Its funny, because coming to the end of our exams and he was scared to be alone with me, and now he's fine. And I'm fine too, I've sort of come to terms with this whole just friends nothing ever ever ever more thing 100% thing now. Funny because a friend of Helen's is n the same friends circle as Daniel and his lot. She told Helen that he's been with her for a very long time, and his girlfriend was like the nicest girl, the type of girl that every guy wanted but no-one could get. I can understand why he wanted her so bad now. Daniel loves a challenge. I understand now what he means by her being a girl like no other. Also weird that he would lie to me about how long they've been going out. I was under the impression he met her in a club.

Anyhoo, Dave talked to me yesterday. They've all gone to switzerland, and he's talking to me like nothings happened. It's so frustrating, because I know I have to cut him out of my life like Helen said. But at the same time I wish I never told her now, because it would be so much easier to pretend along with him and forget. Then we could go on like normal. But then I thought about it, I wouldn't let him be alone with Helen ever, in case he makes a habit of being a total dickhead. I wouldn't trust him at all, and I'd end up making snide remarks, until I had it out with him and asked him why. And what's the point? What's done is done. I just wish I had handled it better. Whatever.

Daniel's having his birthday do in the next couple of weeks. He wanted me to organise a theme park road trip, but apparently he changed his mind and didn't tell me, because he BBM'd me last night asking if I was free on the 3rd to go to Cornwall. If I had actually planned his bloody road trip I would have been really pissed, but actually I'm kind of relieved, because one I hadn't done shit all to organise for it and two, it would be rather awkward organising something his girlfriend or he himself should have done. So yeah least all I have to do now is turn up. Which I may not even do, because the only people going apparently are him and his girlfriend, three other boys and me. and maybe one other girl. And if the two girls know eachother then you know, I'm going to be totally screwed. You know what I'm like. I don't do girls and their cliques. Maybe me and his girlfriend might actually get along provided he hasn't told her every little detail of my feelings for him. Am I just being self-destructive going to cornwall with them? And wtf do I wear?? FML, and it's a sunday so I would have to call in sick at work and lie to family and think up on a really good reason as to why I have to be in Uxbridge a day early. :S I guess I'll just double-check who's definelty going before I decide.

On the upside, this Thursday I'm going Birmingham with Greg! Should be so much fun. And Helen should be back at the Flat this week. Maybe I can finally get over my aversion to her. It's frustrting coz I love her soo much, but I feel bitterness towards her and I just can't help it. Maybe it's because she's got everything I want, a person to love, and someone to stop her feeling lonely. I don't know, I just have nothing to say to her anymore. Being around her, makes me realise just how much of a stranger I am to myself. She just comes home and cleans, like I've left the flat in some disgusting mess, which I actually haven't. So it isn't clean to her OCD levels. It's still neat. Gosh, what the hell is wrong with me?? I need to stop being such a moody cow! Maybe slaving away at Primark tomorrow will help put things into perspective eh?

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

No More Running Away.

I've kind of been avoiding writing about my whats going on in my life for a while. I left my recall of what had happened like last week jus unfinished. It's because up until that point I was really happy. Things were pretty much perfect, and I didn't want my amazing week to end. Only something really bad happened at the very end of that week. I know I promised to be truthful and honest here, but even being anonymous and what not, I can't quite write about it. Like it's too painful, and writing about it means I have to write about certain people's intentions and I may have to face harsh truths. I know I'm lying to myself, but at the moment these lies are hlping to protect me. In my own time one day I may be able to write about it, and be strong enough to deal with something that I never thought I would have to in my life.

So yeah something happened, and I totally went into seperating the people involved as good and evil in my head, and for the whole time I was at home I had managed to convince myself that it wasn't as bad as it seemed and even started develop a very blase nonchalant attitude about it all. Sunday was when me and Helen were to go into London and stay at Regent's Park Marriot Hotel. On our way there, she talked some more about her problems with Norman, which we discussed extensively until she had solved the solutions. Then as naturally as she told me her problems I told her mine. See the thing was there was moments at night or when I had thought too much when I was on my own, telling her that I needed to talk to her, knowing that it provided a guarantee that would deal with it, just not then. I had planned to tell her after our trip into London, I didn't want to ruin that with my horror. But as we were walking around Swiss Cottage trying to find this hotel, she asked me. I told her that I would tell her on Tuesday, but she wasn't having any of it. So I told her. I had expected to break down then, as I told her what had happened. But I didn't. And I heard my own voice.It was so normal, I could have been talking about the weather. It also surprised me just how I felt no need to hold back. Maybe I should have. It was only when we got to the hotel room, that she sat me down and made me face the fact that the involved person, good and bad (as i had seperated), was the same person I had trusted for 6, 7 years of my life. Literally trusted with my life, and was someone I trusted to look after me and someone I considered a very good friend. That's when I broke down. And it wasn't like when I broke up with my ex (which was the worst type of pain I felt so far in my life) type of pain. No, this pain was different, raw and attacking, like a virus. So much was going through my head like. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't believe that my friend, one who I love and cherish did this. I can;t believe that I must never see this person again. I can't believe I'm losing yet another person out of my life. And then I felt anger like no other. Helen made me come to terms with what had happened, and stopped me from running away from it, by asking me what I would say to her if the same thing was happening to her. How someone could do that, it's just so twisted. Then anger at God, wandering why he kept doing this to me, why he kept bringing people into my life only to have to push them out. That was hardest for me, people never left. If they left then it would be easier for me to just deal with it. But He always brings people into my life who do bad things, or things that mean I have to make them leave, because that's what will be better for me. Look at Daniel. What was the point of bringing him into my life? He knew I would fall for him. So what was the point? He won't give me him. What about my ExBF, what was the point of him? Even now he refuses to leave, he is forever promising to start putting things right, but God always makesure he is too busy to keep those promises. Why can't he just leave? And as I write this I understand that then it would all be too easy. I just hope that he gives me more strength some time soon, because if he brings into my life another person, only to make me want to push them away from me again, I might just crack.

Meet Toby My Hamster :)

I feel like I don't give you guys more than my ramblings. And all this secrecy stuff is kinda hard. Sometimes I might like for you to know more. So here's the face of someone very important to me. HaMister Toby :)

Monday, 20 June 2011

Check out my "Feel good" nails! How I love red

Matchmaker on the train

He plugged his headphones in music drowning out the mundane hubble of this metropolitan line train.

I sat opposite him. His jacket was brown and he wore a black t-shirt of a green tree of some sort, blue jeans, blue plimsoles. He wasn't for me that much was obvious, but then I wandered who would be perfect for such stunning piercing hazel brown eyes. He wasn't scruffy, but he had a scruffy aura, like he just did things, not really bothering for the mundane procedures of life. He liked a life of simplicity.

His perfect girl got on the train on the next stop. She was blonde wore black combats and a stripey long sleeved t-shirt. Her lip was pierced. She probably wasn't so simple in her outlook on life as he was, but that only made them more of a perfect match. She read a book and was absorbed into it as he was into his music. Her fingers turned the pages greedily, as his fingers tapped to the rhythm on his ipod, so fast it was almost as if he was dancing with the notes. Every now and then he sang softly with the song. If they had both looked up just once, into each others eyes, they would have fallen in love. Destined as they was, they both got up when we approached king's cross station and together they stepped off the train going their own separate ways.
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Friday, 17 June 2011

Re-awakenings

I haven't written in a while, probably because I have had so much to write about. So much irrelevance. And then soo much happened, that not writing about it was easier. But I forget how much easier it is for me when my thoughts are written out and organised out here. I feel like I ramble a lot though. Sorry if I do. Here goes. I'm going to write this post a bit differently this time, kind of walk you guys through it instead of just you know summarising. It was the best and worst week for a very long time and a lot has happened. Shouldn't really hold back right. Promised to be honest and all that. Right...

It's Monday, and I'm making my way back to the flat, thinking about just how not lonely I'm going to feel this week. I was on such a high about being happy and all that, and I hadn't quite picked myself up from that drop. This week was going to be the week that I put it right. Soon as I got home, I got changed and left to meet my best friend Gregory at Carnaby Street. I hadn't seen him in forever. I walked out of Oxford Circus Station, got carried by people in the opposite direction to where I should have been going, before finding my feet and barging my way to where I saw him waiting for me with a rather amused look on his face. God I had missed him so much. To go from seeing his laughing face everyday to less than once a month? I should not have let it get this long before I saw him again. I gave him the biggest and longest hug, and such is his presence, that we did not get swept away by the commuting ravages. Our embrace was like a statue made out of cement, symbolic and historic. Being with Greg is easy, laughing is natural and conversation is easier than breathing. Literally! stories were spilling out of me so fast I had to catch my breath. We went to a bar in Carnaby street, where, by the way, I found them most amazing shoe shop! By the time we had caught each other up on our lives and bitched about various unnecessary beings, we had had four cocktails and a Jaeger-bomb each. So basically when I left that place I was really and truly drunk. You know what a lightweight I am. I knew Greg would look after me so I allowed myself to let go and enjoy itl Being drunk with him is soo much fun, he's so easy going, non-judgemental and just generally fun to be around. At some point he called Helen, because there was no way he was going to let me get on a train by myself in my condition. I remember scoffing at his suggestion that she came down to Oxford Circus on her own at nearly nine pm on th train. But then I forgot that Norman was in Amsterdam and was very surprised to say the least that she did actually come. By the time she reached us, the Nando's had soaked up the drink and I was pretty much on my way to being sober. Which didn't really upset me as short-lived as it was because Greg is fun sober or not. Monday was my best night of the week. My two best friends hit it off straight away and we merged Helen into mine and Greg's in-jokes that, heard from the outside, would just be downright weird and rather creepy.

I had so much fun with the two of them, listening to them swapping stories about me mostly, but how easily we all fit. Greg should just move in with us. We went to some bar in Shaftesbury Avenue and bought more cocktails. By the end of the night I was very much sloshied and ready to go home and have a nice long pee.

Tuesday was also a good day. My cousin Cassie was coming to stay. She and I always usd to have sleepovers when we was younger and got along great. We kind of distanced when she went through a rough patch with one of her exes, and it's only been recently that we've started talking on BBM again that we've got close. So yeah Henry (my high school sweetheart, now just-a-friend guy, occasional sex buddy), Dave, also my friend since secondary school and Henry's best friend to the point of being inseperable, and their two mates including work boy (who I kissed on my birthday - see my first ever post) were supposed to come out with us tonight. Unfortunately, Dave had work so he had to cancel, so it was just going to be me Cassie and Helen. I didn't mind, except Helen was feeling guilty about drinking yesterday, so she was trying to be all good, since her last drunk episode (Norman was being uber control freak strict, pulling his no drinking ever crap again), And Cassie was moaning about her heels. Usually Cassie is so stylish and I used to look up to her so much. She used to put on all this make-up just to go to the shops, and when I was little I'd ask her why she did that, and she's say that it was because you'd never know who you would meet. And now couple of years on, and she decides to come to Funky Buddha a club in Mayfair in a Primark Dress and JEGGINGS with these heels she can barely walk in and a cardigan that should have just been cut up into strips to be used later as bedding for the hamsters. She is so pretty and it was like she had dressed down on purpose. (¬_¬) Anyway with the lack of drink for Helen, I could tell her slow pace, and constant whingeing about her heels was testing Helen's patience, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

We got to the club, and the boys called to say that they would meet us at the flat when we got home, so it definetly would be just us gils at the club tonight. Cassie didn't seem best pleased that it was just the three of us, but there wasn't much that I could do about it now. Anyway we fimally made it to the club, and walking I can see that tonght its oozing with sugar daddies. Don't get me wrong Funky Buddha isn't sleazy, its a celebrity hotspot and very very expensive. My student night outs had not prepared me for the £12 a drink that welcomed me at this club. It was very well that Helen wasn't drinking because I certainly would not have been able to afford to get drunk with her.So I walked in, and the atmosphere was not like usual clubbing nights, where students turn into animals, drunk and each determined to have a wild night. People were here to splash cash and enjoy their night. I scanned the crowds and my eyes caught the gaze of another indian looking bloke. And boy did I like what I saw. Nice jaw line, strong arms,  perfect swept to the side hair, not too short, not too tall. He was with his bunch of friends and unwillingly I tore my eyes away from his to engage in conversation with Cassie and Helen, trying to make this night flow more smoothly. As we made our way through to the dancefloor (which was mighty small, there was hardly any room for me to "put my hands in the air" when Chris Brown's yeah 3x song came on), I could tell Cassie was going to be the uncomfortable make this awkward for everyone, while she stood there swaying. I mean yeah I got it, her feet!, but atleast Helen was having fun, letting go and really enjoying the music and dancing the night away. I felt bad for Cassie, but I joined Helen in her zone. After a while I noticed hot asian bloke standing by the DJ in the VIP area, watching ME. I mean here I was standing next to Helen and Cassie, two very very beautiful girls that had very big personalities and me standing in their shadows, and he only had eyes for me. At first I thought I was imagining it, but he really and truly was watching me. I finally came to the conclusion that we were indeed having - The Eye-Sex. I still hundred percent couldn't believe it, but when I looked up again after, he smiled at MEE! he smiled at me!!!!!! And he looked so awfully familiar, which was like 10% of the reason why I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was seriously considering going up to him and kissing him and then legging it, but I was too damn chicken. And I don't think the other two would have approved. He was soo gorgeous. He walked past me twice when he got drinks from the bar, and I should have taken my chance then, but like I said... Chicken. He had the most piercing eyes. Siiiiiiiggh. Anyway, after hours of dancing, Cassie finally had had enough, and she went to "sit down". I could tell she wasn;t having fun so after two more songs, me and Helen left to find her and we left the club. And I left behind my beautiful jaw-face-perfect-arms stranger. I could really tell Helen was not happy Cassie for cutting short her dancing time, but I knew we had to get going for the boys would be at my place soon anyway, and I didn't want to keep them waiting.

After sitting outside the club for like 20 mintues, while Cassie "rested" her feet and me wishing, (actually begging fate or whatever) for the stranger to come out, we hobbled with Cassie to the Taxi and then to the nearest bus stop where our night bus would come and take us home. At the bus stop we met the most nicest American dude, who really took to Helen, as men do. She's so beautiful guys would fall at her feet and kill for her. The night bus journey home was probably the most enjoyable, with all the people travelling back home from a good night out, conversation flowed easily with others. We laughed so much at the man that picked onthe American boy and the guys that fell in love with Helen. I just found it hard to keep my mind off of the fitty from the club.

We finally got home, and we met the boys at the flat. It was good to have them round after so long. I could tell they were slightly drunk, that topped off with uberly tired. Cassie went straightto bed befause she had work the next day. She was being uber anti-social, but she finally got into bed and went to sleep. Helen was surprisingly much more social with my friends, possibly because they had been previously Norman approved and it was nice to see just how easily she got along with them. She went off to bed soon after too. The boys and I played cards until the sun came up before they crashed onthe couch and i went to sleep with Helen in her room.

The next morning I woke up really suddenly, because I thought I was late to drop Cassie of to the station. She was up and getting ready, and Henry had gotten up too. Probably couldn't sleep with Dave snoring away. Anyway me and him went to drop her off to the station in the car. When we got back to the flat, we both decided it would be in his best to sleep with me should he want some rest. It's not weird or tense like usually when me and Henry lie together. It's just like when I lie with Helen, unless he's feeling like being the other Henry I know. I turned to him, and he had his arm around me, and I knew what he was going to be like. He came to kiss me, and I kissed him back momentarily. My side of wanting him from so long before always gets me the first time. But for once, I knew this was not what I wanted. I stopped him, and told him that I couldn't be that girl for him anymore. Thing with Henry is that I could be totally honest, knowing that he would understand. We had a final long kiss, when we heard Dave getting up and looking for Henry. He came into my room and literally jumped into bed, and we all fell about laughing when he nearly bounced right back off. After just a few moments of being wedged between the two I was sweltering and feeling slightly claustrophobic, so I got up to sleep on the sofa.

While I drifted into sleep, a sudden realistion came to me. Tge fitty from the club was Stephen Uppal, the boxer from Hollyoaks, aka Ravi Roy. I couldn't believe it was him, so when everyone was awake, I googled him and asked Helen, and she was like it's him for sure! It was a relief, because celebrity's are easy to find than a nobody. Maybe all hope isn't lost eh? Anyway me Dave and Henry went to sainsbury's to get food for out barbecue, but because it was raining we settled for a Big breakfast fry up barbecue mash up. It was weird because when we went shopping Dave had to stay in the car, and so it was just me and Henry. And he was holding my hand and holding the basket whilst we walked through the isles and I was picking out the items and he was taking it from me. I know better than to read to much into those actions though. And it's better not to complicate things and start talking about feelings and shit because it gets us nowhere. Years of experience there. We finally got home and we went to put the shopping in the fridge when me and Henry were found to be left alone yet again. I was looking out of the window at the rain. I turned around about to exclaim that the rain had stopped when I found he was right behind me. His arms wound around my waist and he was looking at me with such intensity. He leaned down to kiss me and I didn't fight the urge to kiss him back this time. I was pretty damn sure, that one of the other boys had walked in on us. But if he did he didn't say anything.

When  I was getting ready to go out, Henry came in, taking our earlier kiss as an indication of the retraction of what I had told them earlier. He crossed the room in less than two strides, my face was in his hands and he was kissing me so passionately, holding my body against his. In between his kisses I told him that we weren't doing this, and I managed to step back from him. He stopped, asking almost insisting that I wanted this. I pushed him away then, hand on his chest pushing him away, telling him that I meant it. Confident. I was so proud of me, finally, after all these years, not settling for this. Knowing I deserved better and more. I finally said no to Henry after all these years. I asked him to leave my room and he did. I took a deep breath marvelling in my new found power and confidence. My eye was on the prize. True love. And I wasn't letting it out of my sight. And I wasn't going to let anyone stand in the way, not even Henry, who I have loved so much for so long.

After dinner, Henry went to shower, and Helen was napping. Me and the rest of the boys sll decided to play truth or dare. It was rather funny, especially when Dave had to lick chocolate sauce from the back of my hand (it was meant to be somewhere like my thigh or something, but I was the only girl so they made exceptions for me). Anyway after we went bowling, and the other two boys wanted to go home after. It was kind of weird, because since I said no to Henry, he was kind of keeping his distance. And Dave and Helen was really getting along. She gets on with anyone so much more easier than I do. I do envy her that, just how easily people seek her attention, expecially when I feel like I'm just trying too hard. Anyway I caught Helen up on the situation between me and Henry when we went to get hotdogs, and she just reaffirmed my own ideas.

We went back to the flat after the boys got Pizza to eat for dinner. Helen was so tired, she went straight to bed. I was really knackered too, having not slept properly since monday night hardly on tuesday night, but I wasn't going to go straight to bed, because the boys were going to leave soon, and I really didn't want them to go. I wanted to make the most of every minute I had left with them, soaking up all the company for when I would be left alone again.

I'll write part two of this later...

Friday, 3 June 2011

One step at a time

Eventhough I try not to think about him, because really, why should I? It's not like I mean anything to him. But still even when I succeed in not thinking about him in my wakeful conscious state, my unconscious can't let him go. I dream of him. Dream of what it would be like if he felt about me as I felt about him. I am my own worst enemy, why do I torture myself with memories that will never be?

I want to be stronger than this.

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