Friday, 29 July 2011

You Only Live Once.

Bernard told me he loved me Tuesday night. He told me that he never anticipated any of this. But now he's in love with me. And yes I totally freaked out, What did he expect? For me to be thrilled with the news that he's in love with me? It's insane. How can he even say he's in love with me? That's not love, its lust and whatever else. You can't love someone so quickly like that. We weren't even frikin going out, how the fuck would he know if he loved me? We had agreed to take things slow, and here he is falling in love. Because I reacted so badly he's decided to take a 4 week break from me. I haven't heard from him since. So guess he really doesn't love me after all. Getting on with his life and probably forgetting my existence. Well let him get on with it. I messaged him on facebook today and he couldn't even be bothered to reply. Fuck it then, the idiot. I don't even need him in my life. I was doing just fine before he came along, and I'm doing fine now too.

I talked to Daniel about him. At first he was liek yeah I'm so happy for you. Then I told him about everything, like all the other things going on, and he made me pinky promise to him that I would stay away. So I might aswell now. What's the point getting into something like this? Someone who throws a strop and takes himself out of my life everytime things don't go his way. Tut. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe he really is hurt over my freaking out episode, and he's protecting himself. Why am I stopping him from protecting himself. Maybe this is the best thing for him. I should be strong and let him be. I will be strong. Besides I have somthing more important to focus on now. I've been talking to that guy, Billy, a lot recently. I think it has to do with us both being extremely bored at home. But I do have the most inspiring conversations with him and even when I don't want to talk to him I find he ropes me in with something more interesting. I have no attraction for him, he is certainly not a superman candidate, he does make me question or reiterate my beliefs. Today the subject was the power of suggestion. You know the subconscious is the most information absorbing thing ever. Without your conscious awareness it sees things we miss, and controls us in ways we know not. I've been researching it all day. I know that with my Psychology Degree I want to pursue a career that enhances my knowledge in Neuro-linguistic programming. I can be whoever I want to be and have the effect that I want on other people by mastering my subconscious and understanding it better. The best way to master your subconscious is to meditate, so I'm starting there. In this house it's near impossible, but early morning or late at night I will do it. Maybe the creative outcomes of my meditating experiences will be posted in my Dream Splog.

If you're interested in self-hypnosis and the power of suggestion check out this website which I found really useful Will William's Website. Oh and please feel free to share any of your self-hypnosis experiences, I'm sort of intrigued by the whole idea. Will keep you posted on how it all goes.

Monday, 25 July 2011

(¬_¬) Pretty Much How I Feel

So talked to Bernard yesterday. Sometimes I really do wander if he knows about all this blog stuff. Like he refers to himself as Superman, and today he said he could really do with having Bernard's Watch. Like sometimes he says some stuff, and I wander did I tell him that or did he get it off my blog? But then how and why would he even ever come across my blog you know? It's near impossible ofr him to just stumble across it. There's no connection to this and my actual identity. Hmmm, anyway I talked to him yesterday and confronted him about the lies he told me. He had a perfectly good explanation...

Basically he has two sisters, and when we was talking about the one in school, and the other one he thought had gone out with his mum. He accepted that my view on him shutting his bedroom door and "disobeying" his mum's rules was out of order to me because it was setting a bad impression of me and he apologised for that. For some reason I still don't feel like his story adds up to be honest. Like his reactions at that moment doesn't match up with his story. Like why wouldn't he have just told me that when I asked him if he was lying to me. If he saw hat I thought he was lying to me and if he was being honest, wouldn't he rectfy it straight away? It just doesn't add up. He was relieved when he thought I accepted his pinky promise.

Anyway, I'm still a bit cautious of him. I still feel like he knows about this blog, maybe thats how he thought up of a cover story after he read what was on my blog. Hmmmm, actually I know how I can find out if he's visited my blog. Operation save my blog in action. I rather hope he will just say he knows about it though. I wander if he'll be honest about this? Either way, yesterday night I felt reassured talking to him, and I was open about how I felt pressured into being with him since he went and told all these people in his family about me. He took it all on board, and have agreed to not make this official for a very very long time. He also said that are not mutually exclusive, but that we should respect and consider the feelings we have for eachother before pursuing another relationship. I don't want to hold him back from falling for someone else.

When I woke up this morning though, that feeling of something not fitting hasn't really moved itself away. It resides in exactly the same place annoying the fuck out of me. I also had a bit of an epiphany today. The way I felt about Daniel was absolute desire of wanting to be with him. I wanted to be his, and I would have given up anything for it. I woke up this morning and didn't feel that for Bernard. There's no urgency for me to see him, like there's no sense of emptiness when he's not there. I no begin to wander if I ever felt that way for him. And is it fair to be with someone if you can't feel that way for them. Surely, if he is the honest person he is, he deserves better than my half way love. I don't know when I'm with him I feel like a warm glow inside of me, and maybe I don't miss him when I'm away from him, because I know that he would be there, whereas with Daniel he came to see me whenever it suited him, and it all depended on him. How I felt then was unhealthy, and maybe feeling like this is better. Easier to find a balance. I don't know maybe I'll just see how I feel in a couple of days. I need to get over the weekend. Thinking he lied to me changed me whole perspective on him. Maybe I should just accept his explanation and leave it behind move on, and pick up from where we were...

Friday, 22 July 2011

Another Failed Superman

So me and Bernard had continued to get even closer. That next day after I had met Daniel and finally let go of him, me and Bernard talked all night. And it felt so good to be wanted again, and he told me that he liked me and that he would at some point want me and him to be together. He was mad at me because I had refused to go to his house when I said I would on Friday morning. (He had been constantly going on at me to go to his house and meet his mum, even though I was really uncomfortable with it). I know it was really bad of me to say that I would go, and then bacj out, but I had other obligations at home that meant I couldn't really keep to my word. And I kind of didn't want to anyway. But yeah he told me liked me that night, and how much I have taken him by surprise, personality and attitude wise. He keeps telling me he likes my legs but he also tells me that I'm an amazing girl, beautiful but intellectual. And I love how much he appreciates my thoughts and ideas. My exBf never ever liked to talk about stuff like that, it really ticked him off when I tried to explain it to him, and I learnt pretty quickly to give up there. We'd get as far as, so your grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses and your parents are Hindu, so are you half Christian??  Smh.

Anyway, he went on to tell me that the day we went to King's Cross, he felt the urge to kiss me when we were sitting together on the train. And I recognised that moment too. And I avoided it. He asked me how I felt, and I told him, that he was such an amazing guy. He is so different from all the other guys I met. I like how he's shy and really nervous when we first meet up, and how scared he his to put his hand through mine, and I like how quickly his confidence grows once he's got my hand in his. I like how proud he feels to have me in his arms, and I found myself feeling proud of him. He's really witty and funny and makes me laugh at the most stupidest of times. He has aspirations to get somewhere, and be someone. He wants to have a relationship one that is long term and with someone he can really commit to. He wants to get married and have kids early like me :) Have our own little house and everything. I could love him with all my heart and make him as happy as he makes me. But then I also told him, that we still have baggage; I have my ex and he has his ex and my ex best friend who almost positively likes him. In addition to all of that, a relationship right now, is that what I really want? Is he the superman I have been so anxiously waiting for? When I told him all my concerns he was like "Oh, bw, you know I'm not like asking you out or anything yeah, I'm just telling you what's on my mind" - and then my reply is me going "OH yeah, I'm just telling you whats on mine. I know your not asking me out. Gosh. Silly" While in my head I'm like FML cringe cringe cringe.

We've talked pretty much every night after that. I have since met his mum, AT his house, which was very uncomfortable. His mum was very military like formal. You know those indian police women that you get - yeah she reminded me of one of them. She was asking about my family and trying to decipher who's daughter I was. She's bound to know someone in my family. All the more reason to why I shouldn't have been there in the first place. But she was civil, and I was sure not to make the same mistakes I made with my Ex's mum and not try pretend that she's not there.We sat in his room most of the time playing DJ Hero, which he loves, and he taught me how to play, with his arms wrapped around me, guiding my fingers to press the buttons at the right moment. Then we played a bit of blackjack and I beat him like 3 times but we did the all or nothing game and he won it, so technically he won. He gave me his spare Ipod touch, which doesn't quite work with my headphones :( gutted, but maybe possibly can be fixed. We ended it with watching the first 10 minutes of limitless and putting it on a usb so I could watch it at home. He was so sweet, because at one point he had taken both my feet in his hands like cradling them and out them on his lap. He's so tall and gentle and amazing. Most widest smile he has too :)

We talked some more that night about us, and all the people who would probably give us a hard time for dating. I know my ex bestfriend certainly is going to hate me. When I explained it to him, he reassured me that nothing was going to take him away from me, and that he couldn't let someone else's bad mind stand in the way of me and him. And then he does this crazy thing where he remembers every little thing I've ever told him, and he'll quote it back to me and I can't even remember have telling him that stuff and it just drives me insane that he catches me by surprise everytime. He tells me that I'm easy to read. Yesterday he and I went to watch Harry Potter: Deathly Hallows part II together. It was awkward at first, like it usually is so formal, but by the time we were in teh cinema he had hold of my hand, and when he sat down he had his arm around me and he by the end of the movie, I was literally so warm in his arms and his fingers were circling my palm and my wrists. It's easy for me to be comfortable with him.

Then when we were going home, and waiting on the platform at Mile End Station, I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I saw the resolution in his eyes, and I looked away, cringeing away from the situation and hoping that it wouldn't happen. I just have such a perfect image of how my first kiss with superman would be and I imagine it to be so perfect, and I clam up when I'm in the situation because I know it isn't right and I know I'm not ready. He told me that night how easy it was for him to read me. He told me he saw how my shoulders hunched over and how I lost my train of though, how I changed the conversation into something superficial. He asked me why. I couldn't explain. Then it all moved on to sex. The thing about him is that he likes to know how everything will pan out. Like he asked me beforehand if it was okay to kiss me, which is respectful, but it takes away all the risk and exciteness from it. And yesterday night he started talking about sex, and asking how many guys I had slept with since my ex, and how far me and my Ex had gone. I was honest about that (nothing to hide there, me and him had been going out for over 5 years), but I couldn't give him a straight answer to his first question, since I didn't know if he had meant "how many guys did u actually sleep with" or "how many guys have u slept with because you wanted to."

I was quite shocked when I tried to set him straight, in that I told him that we wouldn't be doing stuff like that until we were properly going out for a long time (buys me some time to get used to it all again). He replied with well we are pretty much set in stone, you even met my mum for god's sake. And I was just like WTH? If he was so sure about me why hadn't he asked me out yet? I asked him and he was like because he wanted to be one hundred percent sure about me before he did, but apparently sleeping with me before hand was okay. I was so very shocked. I didn't want to ever ever do it again in my life, and here he is demanding it from me to be sooner rather than later. I expained to him my reasons (those that I could tell him anyway) that I wasn't going to sleep with him until I was as sure about him as he was enough sure about me to make me his girfriend. He asked why, and me being honest told that end of the day he was a guy at the end of the day, and I have to protect myself first. He got quite pissed off at that comment, asking if I didn't trust him blah blah blah. But I see through all this shit now, I just get the feeling he's manipulating me. He went back to try and talk more about sex, and how it would be when me and him finally got round to doing it. I don't think I wanted to hear it because I fell asleep on the phone to him. Sometimes I reckon I escape from the things I really want to run away from by sleeping. It's a different type of tiredness, one that makes me drift and dream straight away about whatever last snippet I've heard of the conversation, one that I cannot avoid, and one I seek for major comfort and protection. That nights sleep will be the best ever I have, but usually a worser day will follow.

I felt bad about falling asleep on him yesterday night, so after I took my grandma to the hospital and grocery shopping I went round to his. I bbm'd him and asked him who was at home and he said no-one. So I said I would go round to drop off his USB, chill a bit before he went to work. I went over and turns out he was chatting shit about no-one being at home because his Mum was at home. I asked him why he said no-one was there and he goes he had just woken up and didn't know. I went in and said hi, and she was all yeah I know your grandad. Wahey for you then. It was almost threatening, and I really hated going upto his room after that conversation. Then we were just chilling, and he kept closing the door to his room, which I thought was really weird because like he'd gone on about how he doesn't want me to be in his house when his mum isn't there and how he would have to keep the door open when she is. And now he's all shutting there door when I'm there and he's just setting a bad impression of me. I let it all that go, and then when we were sitting (in his very small room, u have no choice but to sit on his bed) and I can't even remember what we were doing, but suddenly we were kissing. And it wasn't like how I expected it to be at all, it was a nice kiss, something new but also familiar. I loved the way his lips traced down to the nape of my neck. He pulled me on top of him and went to lie down. But I noticed I didn't feel the pull towards him. The urgency to want him, like I did that night with Daniel. Shouldn't I want to feel a desire for my partner like no other? Maybe my ideal partner is too fantasy like, non-existant. What could I compromise?

I asked him who was at home, since his mum had just left for work a few moments ago, and he was like no-ones at home. I knew he was lying. He kissed me some more. He wanted me to get under the covers with him, but I really didn't want to be found in bed with him, there's not a lot of space in his room, to like quickly jump out without one of us being seriously hurt. And I didn't want to "get underneath the covers". Why did he have to be so pushy. He dropped the "just trust me" line on me again. I told him no. He wasn't very happy about that. I changed the subject. I asked him again if anyone was at home, and he said no again.
"What about your sisters?"
"School" I was sure it was holidays. I had heard his mum talk to his sister earlier. I had seen her walk past his room.
"But it's the holidays isn't it?"
"Yeah, she's got half day today"
"So when will she get home?"
"At one" - we carried on kissing for a little bit longer. His hands were moving up my skirt, but I pulled his hand away. Holding onto them, so I knew exactly where they were. Then we heard someone walk around outside his room.
"I thought she weren't coming home till 1?"
"Oh I thought she had left with my mum"
"I don't like being lied to. Pinky promise you had no idea she was here"

He pinky promised. He lied. He's gone.

I knew from that moment on that this wasn't going to work so I dug my heels in a little deeper into the moment. I am so upset that I had gotten so excited about this, but it had fallen through. I think deep down I knew he wasn't my superman, eventhough he does claim to be Sooperman. I think my mind didn't want to register this shit when I was having that moment with him, but from then my other side came back, and I was just enjoying the moment, not caring how much it would hurt me later. Then I decided to leave like 5 minutes later. I hugged him hoping that I was strong enough to let it be the last time. He was different too, after the kiss, I guess he was still annoyed that I didn't "trust him" enough to go under the covers. His sister was watching T.V. in the living room and I went in to say hi. She barely looked at me and gave a I don't give a flying fuck about you get out of my house vibe. He pratically pushed me out the door.

He bbm'd me later saying that his sister was a hard person to please. I wasn't trying to fucking please her. Some manners though would have been greatly appreciated.

Sometimes I wander what the fuck is the point. I should have gone with my instinct from the right off and not even gone along with this. Also slightly curious as to why so many boys I talk to these days refer to themselves as superman.

'When you meet someone who changes your opinions, you have grown'

There's a guy that I have come to know really well over the past few months. He's Helen's and Norman's friend, and I shall introduce him to you as Billy. He is a very image conscious typically clique-y Slough boy. He is the type of person that has the need to feel he has the best of everything and boasts a lot about certain aspects of his life. I think he does it because he feels insecure about himself, and he seeks for people to envy him, because he doesn't feel appreciated enough maybe? I don't know.

Anyway he recently stopped talking to Norman and Helen recently. I don't know for what reason, but they have been friends for ages, and just like that they stopped talking. It was weird, for me for a while, because he had been talking to me for a while, asking me questions about their relationship, and then he cut them out. I think much of it, is how much they have changed. Like it is hard to be in the presence of Norman and Helen without feeling envy for their perfect life, espeically for a guy like him. And even without a Helen being in the equation, it's like being friends with Norman must be hard if he is one that will forever compare himself to him. Norman and Billy are two very different type of people. Norman has a natural presence, but so could Billy, should he jus let go of the green monster clouding his judgement.

When I found out about the whole situation between them three, I wasn't surprised that it had happened though to be honest. I was surprised that he still continued to talk to me though. It's weird though. With him theres all this stuff going on behnd the scenes. In his head he sees the world kind of like how I do, but I've wandered for a while if he's a bit tortured by his own thoughts. I asked Helen about it once, hinting that maybe he just needs his friends to push through for him, might wake him up a bit, but she was, quite rightly, offended by his actions to kind of see what I was banging on about.

Anyway, I once asked him about blogging and gaining traffic last year or something (one of masny failed first attempts), and he bought it up today, because he wanted to blog and kept bugging me to see mine. Obviously there was no way I was ever going to let him so into my life. But I wanted to humour him so I asked him what if he could tell me absolutely everything about himself. And when we got talking he told me about his childhood, and how he thinks certain ways of his upbringing has kind of made him a little scared about what he might become, waiting for it to catch up with him. And I kind of know what he means, feeling like you can't trust your own actions. The slightest thing can just mess your head up and change your perspective completely.

Then he randomnly decided to go for a walk in the evening, which was something he had scoffed at me for doing a couple of days ago, and now he's asking for tips on the best places to wander. Then we got to talking about theories of why we're here and all the shizz about how we have come to be. It was funny because he was like asking me where any of the stuff needed to make universe came from in the first place. Something I should probably think about since I haven't before. Anyway, so he went of for his jog, and I had a sudden urge to look up his horoscope for today. And freakily enough it goes:

"Someone enters your life who is likely to make big changes — or help you to do so. It may be as simple as one question that starts you off on a voyage of self-discovery, so listen up!."

Seeming as his was so accurate I was curious to look up mine

"Some people hate it when questions are answered with questions, but you don’t mind so much — especially on a day like today. In fact, you likely prefer questions to answers for now!"

I was quite impressed with these horoscopes actually. So I went on to further divulge in their predictions of my life and I found this weekly ovrview :

Your generosity with affection and your honesty regarding emotions has enormous ripple effects as the week gets started. Dreams can come true now, perhaps in particularly unexpected ways! Life and love are a bit of a puzzle, though, around Wednesday and Thursday, and you might be missing a key piece. The person or occurrence you think has the answer probably doesn’t. Look within, and get ready for things to make a lot more sense starting Friday. You can write your own ticket now. So where do you want to go?

And it couldnt have been more true. I'll take you through it in my next blog post :) Another Failed Superman

Thursday, 14 July 2011

I Don't Know What It Is About Home, But It All Happens Here

So yesterday I had an interview with this company that recruits people to be extras in tv and adverts and shizz. Got an interview, and I didn't think it would be a legit agency so I didn't really take it seriously. Because most of my clothes are still at Uxbridge, I had a choice of two outfits, and since it was raining I settled for my Jeans top and Red Jacket outfit. I was meant to leave, meet Bernard and go to Uxbridge, go Doctors (Because the day before I went running and had to stop before I even did one lap of the park because I had really bad chest pains that persisted all throughout the day and made it difficult to breath), go get changed and then go to my interview. I got to the station to top-up my oyster when my card is declined. Im on my last £10 before I'm totally penniless, and it's already somehow gone! Like HOW!? Bernard came to the station, and I told him about my situationand how since w had no time and n money to get to Uxbidge we had to settle on going elsewhere. We ended up going to Westfield and sitting by the window and eating our Cookies from Millie's Cookies. (So *Mmmmmmm* btw). We talked about stuff for ages, like about school, and how he used to think of me in my "rude girl" days, and how we got reconnected recently.

Let me tell you about him. He's from the same part of India that my parents come from and at school he was always someone I never really quite noticed. We got along, that much is for sure, and I don;t think I ever was mean to him. There was just something about his chubby cheeks and the way when he smiles that made him look so cute and adorable. Ofcourse since then he's lost the glasses, gone REALLY tall and lost some of that cuteness and in its place is this sort of ruggedness. When we were all in year 11 I tried to set my best friend up with him, but she thought she was too good for him. Who is also back on the scene with him and is sort of on it with him. And he does seem to have something there on top of which he's still in touch with his ex so its better to not get involved with him in that way. Or so thats what I thought when we were sitting in there and talking, and he was reffering to me as a friend and telling me that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, or believing in love.

I don't know. Anyway, we had to make our way to Kings Cross for my interview and when we were on the train he had his arm around my waist, to "stop me from falling" just like how he was last time we met. And it was nice, in his arms without it turning awkward and just laughing, as if him having his arm around me was the most normal and natural thing in the world. And I want it to be, so, so badly but it isn't. I could be attracted to him and I could be with him, but why? Because he's the only one available? He's worth so much more than that. He deserves a girl that will be with him because she really and truly loved him with all her heart. Not because it was convenient. But when I was sitting next to him on the train, being with him seemed like the most natural thing in the world, and I wanted to be there. Or atleast I think I do. I don't know I'm so confused about my feelings towards him. I told myself that my next superman wouldn't just be anyone, and that he would be perfect for me. Someone that I knew I wanted to be with more than anything else in the world. And for the beginning of all this I wanted Daniel for so long, and now here he is, so out of the blue, unexpected and perfect. I don't know what to make of it.

I felt he got a bit weird when I told him about the whole interview, and the fact that they might call me back. He got all short with me, and to be honest, I was quite relieved I've kind of gotten used to being by myself. And if he's put off of me over something thats just so dumb, then that ain't my problem. And he's been getting really pushy for me to go round tp his house and meet his mum. I mean I met his aunts before, but that was because he was in Romford and you know we met up as mates and it wasn't so meh. I really don't want to go round to his house and meet his mum. It'd just all so committing, and kinda roping me in like. And I don't want people to start talking, and what's his mum going to think, Indian girl going round to a guys house. I don't know. It's all so not what I want to do now. I asked him how his mum would feel if she found out her duaghters were going round some guy's house, and he was blabbering on about how his mum trusts them all to do right by her, but to be honest, its one rule for guys and another for girls in this world.

Anyway talked to Daniel on the way home. Well actually we had a series of miss calling eachother, before we settled on talking. This was the first time I talked to him about since the whole Cornwall incident. I didn't really mention anything about it, and just asked about his new job and his life. The conversation fizzled out pretty damn quick and I didn't pursue it further. Couple of hours later he's bbming going "du wana fuck". I just sometimes find him really rude and disrespectful, like before anything, I am his friend first. Just because he's havign some rocky patch with his stupid girlfriend because he's a weird control freak and can't stand her "defying" him, does not give him the right to move to me like that as if he has the right. I was really annoyed, but I didn't let him know I was. I know that that's his way of telling me something is wrong and he needs to vent about it. He can pretend he dont care and shizz, but he's only kidding himself there because I see right through it. And the boy who wouldn't love admitted to me he's fallen in love. He was all talking about wanting out, but not being able to take his heart out. It was funny because when he was talking bout wanting to sleep with other girls "to teach her a lesson" (I know it makes no sense to me either) the tables turned. I told him that one of the reasons I respected him was because he didn't sleep around with other girls when he was in a relationship. And it is the god honest truth, like when we had our lunch in Frankies and Benny's and he set me straight about how I should be me. Then he changed his tone about how badly he wants to sleep around and how he so wouldn't, which was something of me returning the favour I guess.

I met up with him the day after anyway. He had some grades and shizz to appeal against, and since I've kind of been there for every one of those meetings (but one) with the Student Union people who represent him, it just felt like I should go. I was going to uni anyway to check on the hamsters and makesure they were okay, and check on the flat, since Helen wasnt back from holiday yet. I had to go see the doctor and go to the careers office too so it wasn't a trip I was making for him, it was just another thing to do while I was there.

"Hey where are you?"
"Just walking up, where are you?"
"Outside the library, I finished printing"
"Okay, count to 10 and I'll be there"
"Okay then"
"Go on then... Count!"
"What?"
"Count!"
"Oh!" I tutted "One...Two...Three...Four...Five... People are starting to look at me weirdly - 6...7" I turned around, "Eigh- Oh there you are" I could feel the smile appear on my face out of my control.
"Told you I'd be there before you got to 10" he said as he hugged me.

We walked upto the SU bar, sat on the sofa, and he told me all about his new job, and the girl he has there hitting on him. He's far too up himself. I can see the rolling in of money and perceived success has made him even more confident if that was possible. The way he sat in his demanding aura, it was all very intimidating. I mentioned the whole birthday do thing, called him a dickhead for telling me that it werent happening in such a shit way. Tried to make him feel some sort of remorse for it atleast mentioning that I had to move back home because mum knew I was lying (which is partly true) and that I was in trouble at work because I had come back to the flat on that night and called in sick at work. He just smiled and said "You still love me tho" I told him that I didn't.

"Why haven't you stopped smiling since I've met up with you then?"

Why couldn't I stop smiling even when he said this? He did his cocky laugh when I came up short. We talked more about his girlfriend. He told me that he was joking about all that love stuff he was spewing out about the day before. I told him he was full of shit. It's the same shit with them. "Oh she's talking to this guy. It's so unnecessary" blah blah blah. Far as I'm concerned she's a very nice girl and he's lucky to have her. Never know what you got till its gone though, they say.

When I said bye to him, he hugged me for a bit longer than usual. Maybe he knew that I was saying Goodbye to him. Well to all those feelings that I've had for him atleast. I know a lost cause when I see one.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Marley and Me

I know what's missing in my life now! A dog. A little bitty dog can give me everything and more than I could possibly ask for from my potential superman. Though ofcourse I wouldn't name my dog or associate it in any way with Superman in case his life is tainted by the superman curse. I'd call him Jericho. Jerry for short. And he'd be the colour of Jerry the mouse in Tom and Jerry.

I'd have him as a puppy and we'd go everywhere together. To the flat, back to east london every week, to London, I'll take him to Hyde Park and for walks down Southbank. Take him with me when I go for my runs. So much fun :) Someone to wait for me until I get home. Ahhh I want a dog :( I wander if mum will ever let me :S

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Friday, 8 July 2011

Twilight Crazy

When I read the Twilight series the first couple of times, I was in a relationship with a boyfriend who hardly gave a fudge. I loved Edward because he did more for Bella without hesitation, almost like second nature, tham my boyfriend ever would even if I had begged him. After getting out of that relationship, and the whole getting over him process, I finally plucked up the coruage to read this series again, and I found myself really despising the Edward Bella relationship. I don't know if it was the film that made me hate it so much (Kristen Stewarts amazingly expressionless and forced acting, and Robert Pattinson's acting becoming excruciatingly intense in comparison) or if it was just how clingy and unrealistic it seemed. Like the way he won't let her do ANYTHING and the way she just goes along with it, really does my head in.

The last time I read Eclipse I felt it had a sad ending, because, Jacob should have got Bella. I understand and connect with his pain more than I understand the relationship between Edward and Bella.

I wander if I can ever read this book and go back to having the same reactions I did as when I first read it.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Bye Helen :(

Helen's gone on holiday for a week in Spain with Norman and his famo. She spending the next week with him and work and the week after too I think. I don't know the tchnicalities of it I couldn't really follow when she was telling me it all. I don't know I'm just contemplating being at the flat on my own for the next three weeks solid. Like usually, I'll be like yeah she'll be back at some point this week, and I'll just keep going til she came back, but three weeks?! Wtf am I going to do in this stupid place? No-one to talk to, nothing to do. Even running might end up being something I end up giving up, and I don't want to have to let myself down. I'm really going to miss not having her around for all this time. Mostly I'm afraid of the stretch of lonlieness that is set out ahead of me. It's so daunting. Maybe I'll invite Greg over or meet up with all my east london friends next week. That would be good. I really want to go home, spend the time with my parents and maybe even my grandparents. But I'm afraid that if I do go back home, I wont be allowed come back to the life I have right now. If I go back home, then it would be more on a permanent scale. I don't know, lately things with Helen have been a bit distant, but I know tht things with us will always be solid. I know that as soon as she gets back, and we settle into routine at the flat, the whole distance thing will disappear. But if I move back home, will it be more difficult to bring us back to normal? No, I reckon I'm just overthinking things. Helen's been liek the most amazing friend I've ever had in like my whole life (touch wood). Our friendship is mutual and I really don't think this will come between us, provided that I do keep busy the next couple of weeks so time goes by quicker.

Turns out she did notice the whole "aversion" thing I had towards her. I explained everything to her. No point trying to sugar coat it and pretend all is okay, if she's seen through it anyway. I just wanted her to understand that it wasn't her fault, and that I really don't want her to feel guilty for anything, and there's nothing more that she could do. I felt like I was just reciting the Lover and Friends post. I think I eased her mind a lot more about it all, so hopefully I won't be in the back of her mind. I was right about her feeling torn between me and Norman, and for me to just let her know that I would never ask her to choose between the two of us etc was a huge relief for me. I hated having to chose between my boyfriend and my mates and I don't want to have to lose her because she feels she has to. It's unnecessary and the most stupid reason to lose a friend.

Anyhoo, Helen told me that she was inspired by me keeping a blog, and so she started her own little journal thing. I am curious to know what she's written in it. I wander if she's curious about what I write here. Sometimes I get te feeling she knows where to find my blog, and that she reads it, because sometimes she says things and its like my own words shes throwing back at me.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Lovers and Friends

So today I woke up at 6am went for a run. Most self-destructive thing I've done to myself to date. FML. But I felt so good (after I came back home and slept). Then Helen and Norman went back to his, and I epilated every millimetre of my legs and my arms and showered and put on my pretty dress, and now I'm sitting in a nice little Pret in Southwark with a hot chocolate and a hot meatball wrap, with all these business people around me. I walked through London Southbank, just me with my music, watching the people. It felt so good.

I read my blog back to myself the other day, and I realised something. I give Daniel so much more credit than he deserves. He doesn't even care about me, and when he does help me it was never his bloody intention. He's just a bloody idiot. This week has been much better at the flat. I thought I would be really annoyed about the whole Cornwall thing, but to be honest, by Sunday night it was already like a distant memory. I don't know there's just nothing holding me to him anymore. I'm just so through with it all. Was glad to have Helen and even Norman home on Monday. It's weird because recently I've been feeling resentment and just generally wanting to be away from them a lot. I spent some time on some bridge looking over the Thames today thinking about it all, and I know why now, what with hindsight and all.

I went through my whole getting over my Ex phase with them so in my face with their in your face love. You know, it was hard, looking at Helen before I even knew her that well and knowing that it was me a couple of days, weeks, months ago. I remember them sitting on the sofa being all over eachother and me on the other sofa. Such a contrast in Aura it was, me sitting there in my lonliness, watching on wanting my ex there so badly. I couldn't take it sometimes and I would just leave the room. Obviously now it's easier. It's probably made me get over my Ex that little bit quicker, and I'm more immune to their show of love, I've just grown used to it. Course those last couple of weeks where I was just so frustrated and annoyed with anyone in my life (as noted in So annoyed post), but mostly Helen can now be explained. Maybe I just felt more bleurgh to her because she's the most involved in my life atm.

Either way I just felt like wanting to shut her out from the mess of that my life had become. I've talked to her about it, and recently all I seem to do is moan at her about depressing my life is. I know how annoyed my sister gets at her best friend for doing that, I just don't want her to start thinking oh here she goes again. That week it was just the same things going round and round in my head. I went no where and moped around for what seemed decades and I didn't want her to come back to the mess that I was. And she did, and she was dissappoined, I could tell. When she came home and found me sleeping in her bed, I could tell she was still annoyed I hadn't progressed. And I was annoyed at her for being annoyed at me. It was totally irrational and so very similar to how she felt towards Norman when they were having their downs.

I was mad at her for not being around. When I tried to explain to her why I couldn't cut Dave or Henry or Daniel out of my life, she said to me that I had her and that I could concentrate on her and Norman as my friends. And I was mad because I can't make them my life, whilst I get back up on my feet, because I can't rely on them. They were never here and when they are they spend their time being so smoochy and talking in their weird language it just makes me feel so awkward. If I needed her and I knew she was with Norman, I would never call her and tell her I needed her unless I absolutely had no other choice. But not because I don't love her or trust her, but because I know what it's like to be in that kind of relationship. When I was with my Ex anytime I spent away with him was wasted time, and anyone that took me away from him, I ended up resenting. I don't want to have to make her choose between me and her boyfriend, that's not what good friends do. And if I do that I'll just feel so guilty, because I'm keeping her away from the one place she wants to be more than anywhere else in the world, and eventually she'll start resenting me for it, and so would Norman. For a while, like near our exam times, I suspected that Norman really didn't like me very much. Maybe he thinks I'm a bad influence on Helen and for a while he made me feel like a stranger in my home with his sort of brush off attitude. But since he's moved out and coem to stay at the flat less regularly, and haven't been so in eachother's face it's been normal again. Like I'm not really that close with Norman, (I couldn't be, we would just clash too much) but I can honestly say I had missed the nice Norman being around. It's so much nicer ambience in the flat when he's Baah'ing at a wall or something and we're all hanging out. I've missed it, we hadn't done that for so long, and with the right mind set.

But yeah, my other reasons for staying away from Helen is the fact that she has this whole other life. Like how can I rely on her as much as she advises without interfering in her life, you know? It's so hard, like yeah when she's here it's easy, I spend as much time with her as possible. When she's home I sit in her room and talk to her, and sometimes I just stand there and watch them two in their hustle and bustle of making tea and putting the shopping away, and it's easier now. Like I see what they have, and it is what I once had and what I one day will, but it's the waiting thats hard. When she's not here, and I'm having a bad day, it's like I really do feel lonely. I can't pick up the phone and call her. I shouldn't be making her feel guilty for her happiness, it's so wrong and unfair. And if I do get so desperately lonely and I call her, what do I say? I can't tell her how I'm really feeling because that's going to make her feel guilty.

And as I write this I get why I went back to my ex. I know that he is a source of comfort, and that leaning on him won't hurt him. And I get why I needed to stay away from Helen. I just hope she didn't notice it. She probably didn't, she was hardly here for much of the "dark days" anyway, so hopefully she just see's more of me "making progress". I really and truly love her so much, but there is only so much one person can do for another, and I think she's done all that she can for me. And it is so much more than I ever would have wanted from anyone.

I've also given up with God for a bit. This whole idea that I'm on a path thing is really taking its toll, because it just feels like one hurdle after the other. Im just going do a chicken limbo at the next one, shake my tits at God and see how low I can go! Loool I don't mean that sexually by the way! I was merely using the chicken limbo as a metophorical expression of how I'm going to have fun with whatever shit he throws at me next. White flag and all seriously, I surrender.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

So annoyed!

So go into work thinking yeah gotta go back to the flat today, get things ready for tomorrow. Told home that I have a wedding on sunday that I have to go to. In my way into work I saw the perfect little pressie for him and it was only like a fiver so I thought why not, got the card and stuff. I call him in my afternoon break and he turns around and goes yeah its probably gonna flop. He could have atleast told me. This coming from the person who promised me that we would go no matter what and asked me when he has ever let me down when I looked at him skeptically. Now I'm sitting on the bus after he tells me to give him half an hour to let me know if I should go uxbridge or not, about an hour and a half ago. His last msg was "one second" and I'm still waiting. Honestly he must think I have nothing better than for me to revolve the world around him. I spent 5 years doing that for my ex, I don't plan on continuing. Okay venting done. :)
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Friday, 1 July 2011

Anticipation

This week has just been so very bery busy. I can't even tell you what I did on Monday and Tuesday because I can't remember. Oh yeah I went to the Doctor's about the lump thing! Ahh yes it's all come flooding back to me now. So on Monday, I went to my surgery, and because of the stupid Underground train delays I was like 15 minutes late and the walk-in time-slot allocated for students had closed. They told me to go to the walk-in centre in Hayes. Because I didn't know the area very well, I called Daniel for directions. He was around uni though anyway, so he came to pick me up, and we went around Uxbridge, Uni and Hayes before he dropped me off to the clinic.

It's weird because at the beginning of our friendship I always expected him to leave at some point and I had prepared myself for his "fade-out" so many times. When we were in the car he asked me if I was going to get him something for his birthday. I told him no since he didn't get me anything for mine, and he goes, that then we weren't best friends in his little jokey way that he does. But it is true, in the most unlikliest of moments I did find a really good friend in him. Touch wood. But he has always been there for me if I had ever needed him, and he's helped in ways he knows not. I'll still have this I expect him to leave at any moment attitude though, it seems to work for me. So yeah, I asked him about who knows who, and who knows what in advance for our trip to the beach on Sunday. He told me that hos girlfriend doesn't know anyone else that's coming and that he's not told her about me or anything on my blog. Which makes the whole thing easier. Still Helen's told me to keep my distance, and hse's right because if it ever does come out, I don't want to have to deal with that guilt, because his girlfriend is really nice.

But in all honesty, all this space and stuff, and I have started to stop Seeing Daniel in that way and more as a friend. I've come to accpet his and his girlfriend's relationship is real and solid, and that I don't even compare. (Lol don't get the violins out, I'm not looking for sympathy I'm just being brutally honest). So yeah, feel a bit better about going now. Still doesn't know what he's doing though, like if he's going for just the day or a couple of nights. Knowing my luck the whole thing will just end up being cancelled. I went out shopping on Wednesday and got a nice pair of shorts to wear my bikini top with. Hides my flabby stomach enough, and also means I can hide my horrible fat thighs lol! Worried also about the two other guys. Like what if they don't like me? And Daniel has never really witnessed me with other people before. He's so going to see through my facade. Will that make me more jumpy? I can't even predict my own behaviour, because I've never goen away so far with people I don't know in clothes I'm going to feel real uncomfortable in, and no-one else to rely on. :S Meh least I have nice boobs to show off at the beach. Wednesday I also went for a much dreaded blood test :( Most horrible feeling ever! Ew.

Went Birmingham with Greg on Thursday. It was so much fun! Got on the train from Euston to Birmingham New street via Virgin Trains. It was so fast, there in about an hour! Birmingham though was rather a bit of a shit hole. We went to the sea - life centre where we saw the most cutest looking fish. Me and Greg had so much fun naming them to people we already know! We then went to the Jewellery quarter and pretended we were together, and looking for my engagement ring! It was so much fun, no-one doubted us, and I got to try on the most amazing rings! *siiiiigh* I didn't want to take them off. Platinum rings diamonds on the shoulders, and big huge huge diamond in the centre, princess cut... *Sighhhhhh*. It was sooo fun, we had to pretend we were in the middle of planning our wedding. Aaaaah and they had the most funniest accents, so sing-song. And we got the most amazing Ice-cream there ever was. Three scoops, Oreo Cookie, chocolate chip and forest fruits on a chocolate sprinkle cone! ooooh NOM! It was so weird being there, it's just like being in London, except they talked funny, and there wasn't much else to do. There was no hustle and bustle, and the shopping centre was packed out for a weekday. On top of that, their cabs were uber cheap and there buses were uber weird. You CAN'T use oysters! like WTF??

Anyhoo, I'm back at home for the day, going back tomorrow night so that I'll be home nice and early to prepare for the beach :) Have to call in sick at Primark again. Bad times. Eeek