Monday, 14 November 2011

Thanking God.

I'm so happy right now. And it's all down to Rob. I'm finally in a relationship that is balanced and not life consuming. We want to be with each other so much, but we're keeping it healthy and not being so obsessive over it. Though mind you this past week may just contradict that. I spent the whole week with him lol. IT was not planned and all rather unintentional. We had our first date on Monday. It was all so proper. He called me on Saturday night after work and arranged to meet at Finchley Road at 7pm where we would go for dinner and Nando's and some dessert after. The thing I like about him a lot is the way he is so laid back and kind of just goes with the flow. Like it's not to the point where he can't stick to plans but he's flexible and able to adapt. On Sunday I had work and so did he, so he spent the whole day messaging me on whatsapp, just getting to know each other. His parents own an off licence shop somewhere near Westfield in Shepherd's Bush which was where he was working. He drives and he hates it. The first ever dish he told me about was Dosa! Lol, Random I know, but I want to remember all these little things, and how I got to know him. I feel like we just clicked and everything is just rolling into one big thing into a blur. I don't want to forget the little things that matter.

Sunday night I went back, because I was starting my new job at Card Factory in Uxbridge. That night I was messaging Rob until late night and I overslept that morning. I hated that job. The people were stuck up and annoying, the job was really boring and the shop was cramped. I hate working in conditions like that. To top it off, the asked me to blow up balloons. I hate balloons. I have a fear of them popping. I literally hate it, with my life. I couldn't even tie the damn thing. Next thing I hear them telling me about blowing up those big foil balloons. I was like mate Fudge that. I have decided there and then that I was not going back. Annnd above all else, I have to wear this really ugly blue jumper. Not Happening. Eurgh.

Anyway I finished work at three, and did a bit of work trying to make 7pm come around that much quicker. I was quite nervous and excited and nervous again for the evening ahead of me. I went to the library and sorted out my CV in preparation of my placement search and then made my way to the train station. It was rush hour time and train was trailing at snails speed. I literally could have walked faster. By the time I got there I was 15 minutes late. 15 minutes of our time gone, I was not impressed with TFL.

He was waiting for me just outside the station, and the first thing I noticed again was his height. He was soo tall, I had to tip toe to hug him properly. The next thing I noticed were his white trainers matched with his white jumper. He certainly knew how to dress. ALWAYS a good thing. I was feeling so nervous up until this point, but once I was with him, I don't know - it didn't exactly go away, but it was like not so nervousy like, do you know what I mean??? I was quite comfortable with him already.

We got to Nando's, and when we were standing in the queue waiting to get our food, he kissed me, and I kind of carried on the kiss. He stopped me "Easy, it's not the boat party, let's not give them a show." Which was a good enough point, but it kind of made me a little embarrassed :S. Anyway he was a true gentleman paying for my dinner and all. We sat down and got to talking. We talked so much that we didn't even finish our food. I have always finished my Nandos!! Anyway turns out he's never been in a relationship before, but I've never really been on a proper date before sooo what do we both really know? He did at one point tell me that he really wanted us to work, which was reassuring, because I found I was really having to check myself each time when I realised I was letting my thoughts and expectations for this relationship run ahead of me.

I am slightly worried about the fact that he has not been in relationship before. I mean, only because I don't know what he expects from us. When we got talking though he seemed so much on the same wavelength as me. Like when we talked about how me and him were going to work, he was goes I want us to not make the mistake of making our relationship take over our lives. He wants us to be able to keep a very good balance which is possibly the best thing for me right now. It's taken me so long to find my own life again, it would be stupid for me to just pack it all in. After Nandos we went to Ben and Jerry's and we sat there for ages and ages and talked about the most random shit. He has a dog!! A black fluffy one with the most deepest blue eyes :). We have a lot in common, in terms of family relationships. I further probed him on his religious views and how they all managed to change. It was quite interesting to hear about his upbringing and just how similar our thinking is. We went for a drink after. It's like we couldn't get enough of each other, and we didn't want to say bye. So we didn't for the rest of that week. :)

Thursday, 3 November 2011

This feels so right!

Touch wood, touch wood! Lol, I really don't want to jinx this at all what so ever!! So I met him on the night of the boat party. And so glad Lee was well and truly out of the picture by this point. Coz if he weren't I would never have met Rob.

So I met Greg at the North Greenwich station, and I was feeling slightly nervous about meeting all of his friends, me being generally really quite when I meet new people. And I know how wild his friends are from all the stories he's told me. I met his two girlfriends Nina and Beth first. Nina seemed more nice than Beth in all honesty, she was too loud and too I don't really care for you type with me for now, which is understandable from a girl with her personality. I used to have her personality. Anyway we were all meant to be staying at Rob's place after the boat party. I was quite uncomfortable about that whole situation, it was very much out of my confort zone, but this is what I needed to do. I was challenging myself, couple of months ago, I would not have even gone. So We're walking down and Nina calls Rob and from the conversation I'm expecting a very typical indian boy, ready to get drunk and just ordinary. We turned into a side road and turned again, and he was there waiting to show us to his place. He was very tall, and he had a smile that really took over his whole face. He hugged Greg and the other girls and when he came to me, he shook my hand and introduced himself. Greg had gone off at this point, no where to be seen. "Hi i'm Rob" "Hey, thanks for letting me crash out tonight" He laughed, a real throaty laugh and said "No problem". His hands were really warm.

We went up to his room to put down all our bags. three flights of stairs we went up, to his room right at the top. The white walls, the white doors all so fresh like. His room was very typically student male dorm room with the TV and the laptop and the ipad and the line of trainers against the walls. But it was very very clean. White walls followed through here too. It was just all very airy yet cosy with the fluffy carpet. The guys went down to set up drinks etc and Greg suggested that I stay with the girls and help them get ready. I was wearing a black skirt and black top together with a belt to make it look like a dress. It wasn't as dressy as I would have liked it to be, but I was ready from Uxbridge and I didn't want be all dolled up for rush hour on the train. I wore my boots with it, and after I realised all the girls were staying in there flats I decided to stay in my boots and leave my heels at home. I felt really crap looking compared to the rest of the girls and I didn't want to draw much attention to myself so I opted out of wearing too much make-up just doing my eyeliner putting cream and tinted vaseline. Lol. I didn't look hideous, and my hair made up for it.

After a while two of the guys I hadn't met came up, they didn't say much, actually they didn't say anything to me to be honest. I needed a drink to loosen up a little, so I went downstairs and joined Greg in the kitchen. They were doing tequila shots (eurgh) and I felt a little better, the girls were being quite nice, and Greg was being himself, which always makes me feel better when people are just getting on with it, so I can just adapt in my own time. They were makingthe drinks really strong, but I couldn't feel me getting drunk, I was too uncomfortable to let go at this point. One of the girls asked me to do her eyeliner, which I literally hated doing, coz my hand shakes and I cant do it for other people for shit, but I did it anyway, gave me a chance to you know, make progress in the whole fitting in palava.

So we got going to meet the coach somewhere. Greg and pretty much everyone else was very much drunk at this point. Rob actually made an effort to make me feel included, telling me how he's like the daddy of them all, looking after all of them when they've had a few, acting completely sober. We went to KFC to get something to eat, and when I went to sit down Rob pulled out a chair next to him for me to sit. Everyone was being crazy mad and it was a good laugh, until I noticed Nina crying on the phone to somebody. Turns out her grandad was really unwell and in hospital and she was really upset. One of the girls, carol, was complaining because she was crying so much and "acting like he had just died" which I thought was a bit out of order, because like old people are so much more fragile, when they go into hospital its so much more serious. We took her to the bathroom, where Greg tried to get her level headed and clean her face. Rob came with us, trying to cheer her up and just being there for her. After we got her together abit, Greg and Nina went to the bathroom, which left me and Rob with alone.
"Is it a bit overwhelming for you, I bet your not used to this?" he asked me. Yet again, I realised I was noticing how tall he was.
"No, I am. When you get so close to a certain someone you'll be there for them no matter what, instinctively."
"Yeah, I was a bit at loss when I first was in this situation. I never knew what to do and.."
"I know what you mean, but if you have a good heart and right intentions, what you have to do comes naturally." He just looked at me and agreed, and Greg comes out and tells us to round everyone up outside.

We went outside and I lost Rob at some point, and I started talking to this really nice girl called Rita. She was so lovely, asking about what course and stuff I did and explaining to me about the dynamics of the group and telling me all these random stories about her, Greg etc. I liked her the most out of everyone. When we were waiting for the coach more people had joined us, but none of them really talked to me. Rob came and stood next to me and was like "someone smells really nice, I thinks it's you" I was like I borrowed the Nina's perfume I smell the same as the rest of the girls to which he replied oh. We got on the coach and more drinking commenced, as did the singing in punjabi and the screaming from the girls who were quite drunk.
We finally arrived at the Dock, and everyone was crazy drunk. I was quite at loss what to do, or who to go with. I saw Rob stumble of the coach, and I went to him. I can't really remember how our conversation started, but I remember he was trying to light his cigarette, and the wind kept blowing out his light. He looked so adorable, struggling away drunk off of his face. I took the cigarette and the light from him, and told him that I would light it for him. Just as I had lighted it for him, Nina came from nowhere, and slapped it away from him, and snapped the thing in half. After all that effort. He got himself another, and without even attempting to light it handed it to me.
"Please, I just want one"
"Okay, but I don't want to get you into trouble with your friends"
"No, I won't, I really need it - actually I really need to take a leak" And with that he literally whipped it out and peed against a wall.
"Ewww" I literally turned away from him and walked away, lighting his cigarette where he was not in my view. When he was done he came to back to me, really pleased to see I had a lit cigarette in my hand. He took it all happy. He always smiled. Always with this infectious grin on his face.
"Are u slightly drunk?" I asked him, when he put his arm around me and asked me to be his lady for the night.
"No! ofcourse not!" The most serious look crosses his face. And then he pulled me closer and he kissed me. A kiss that sent butterflies through my stomach, and tingly sensations down my arm, and left a trail of goosebumps. It had been a very long time since I had felt like that. We finally got on the boat, and he never let go of me. Always keeping contact, always holding my hand, always keeping his arm around me. We were a bit full on, A moment away from him was a moment wasted to me. But I was there for Greg, and I didn't want to set a bad impression or anything, and I was meant to spend the night with him. I really didn't want to let him down, so I convinced Rob that we should spend some time with the others and enjoy tonight. Greg was drunk, and I could tell that at first he was pissed at me, but when I talked to him and he realised that me and Rob were actually quite serious about each other, he was just quite excited. I didn't really care for anyone else except Greg. Since he was totally fine with it, me and Rob spent the whole night together, dancing, kissing, talking and drinking.
"What are you religious beliefs? Like I'm a Sikh obviously, but I'm not a practicing Sikh. I cut my hair and everything, because I don't believe in a religion. I believe in God, but not a rleigion. I'm an agnostic." At this point I was just totally flabbergasted. He had had his own spiritual journey, and I wanted to hear all about it, but him being drunk and on a swaying boat which was making me slightly sea sick meant it was not the best time.

By the end of the night I was pretty drunk, and everyone was finally talking to me properly. To be honest they spent the whole night taking the piss out of my name, especially that Beth girl. I was actually not surprised that they were doing that, but I was happy atleast I was being included in the conversation in one form or the other. And anyway I had Rob. Nothing anyone said could bring me down from my euphoria from finding such a promising superman candidate.
That night me, Rob, Greg, Nina, Beth, Geena and Rita stayed in Rob's room. Rob insisted that I shared the bed with him that night. Don't worry we didn't do anything hanky-pankyish. We literally went to sleep. He was very hot, like the hot someone gets when they're ill, but he kept me warm. It was annoying because the other girls, especially Beth insisted on trying to make us feel awkward and taking the piss out of me, which I didn't really appreciate at all, but really, I was so comfortable around him, it didn't bother me or him at all. We were laughing at them, having our own united front against them. With him I felt untouchable. Just a few hours with him, and I knew that what was waiting round the corner for me all this time was finally here. No questions no doubts no turning back. To me right now, he's the one. He makes me so happy, showers me in compliments so much I don't even know how to respond and most importantly I'm at ease. I feel like I've known him a lot longer than just that one night.

The next morning, Greg was being unusually annoying, and Beth was making really snide comments, telling Rob to "control his bitch", I wanted to go over there and put her face through the wall, literally. Insted I opted for a Uhahhaha ha hum :\. Dumb bitch. Anyway, I didn't want to act like that in front of Rob and make a bad impression of me, otherwise I would have said something. Anyhoo, after I got home, I waited all day for Rob to call, which he did. He kept it short and sweet, hinting at a possible date in the next week. Interesting to see how it plays out

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Bye!

Things have changed so much since the last time I had written. I saw Lee a couple more times and each time I saw him every sense inside me told me to get away from him. But I kid myself that little bit more each time, telling myself, convincing myself that I should just stick it out. That saturday I went to work and he just near closing time, he came had come in to see me. This is a guy who has never even been to the area where I work. Then he waited for a whole hour until I finished work, made me get the train to stratford before he went to work and I went home. It was a nice gesture, and it was everything I wished my ex would have done, but it wasn't what I wanted from him. It was unnerving just how possessive he was getting and I think I kept telling myself that this is what I wanted, batting away my discomfort with the whole situation. On Sunday, it was the night before Halloween and he knew it was going to be a busy night so I insisted that he went work instead of coming to the flat with me, only because I didn't want him there. He wanted to spend that night with me so i agreed to meet him at Leciester square after I got home and got ready etc.

To be honest, that night was much better than I had expected, credit where it's due and all that. I called him when I got to leciester square, where he found me. He took me by the hand, pride literally pouring from him. I was happy that I was the reason he was feeling so happy. He took me to all of his friends, and was like "This is my girl, that I was telling you about." I was surprised he had told everyone about me, and yet again feeling increasingly worried about how possessive he was getting. He hadn't asked me out and I hadn't agreed. Still, all the people he introduced me to were really nice and welcoming. He bought me a fresh cream cake which was well deserved. Then we went to Metra and he danced with me all night, then to the After party at Jet black. It was one of those nights that I had always dreamed of, where it's just me to him in a room full of people. Just us and the music. But he doesn't appreciate the music, and I wasn't the only girl in his eyes, when he turned around and pointed at another girl and exclaimed that I should aspire to have a body like hers. Laughing it off doesn't take back the little things that he says.

Anyway I'm getting slightly worried about the work that's building up for me to do, and the fact that I'd be starting another job during the week at Uxbridge next week. I was going backwards and I sensed that I had to have him out of my life, and the more that realisation came clear to me the more I dug myself into a hole unwilling to let go of what I reckoned was the good thing for me to do. We went to pizza hut that day, when he started talking about our families merging etc. It ain't ever going to happen. My Dad would never let me marry a muslim boy, and I wouldn't do that to my family. When we left Pizza Hut it was a bit chilly, and my teeth were chattering slightly. He insisted on going to a shop and buying my a cardigan, but none of the shops were open apart from this really tacky one. He dragged me in and saw this really ugly sweater that he insisted was so nice and wanted to buy. I literally wanted to yack up the pizza I had eaten just at the sight of it. I kept trying to leave and he grabbed my wrists really tight and shouted at me in this shop. Something im really not used to is a guy telling me what to do like that. That night I decided it was better if I told him that I couldn't be with him. Start distancing myself from him or something, because I knew it wasn't going to be easy to do it now he had gotten so attached.

That night I was woken by whatsapp messages from him, telling me that he got into a fight and that he was in hospital etc etc. I woke up at midday and realised he was being for real. He sent me a picture of him in his hospital gown and him telling me his d.o.b and what hospital he was in. I think he expected me to go down and look after him, but I really had lectures to get to and I couldn't afford to waste any more time running around with him. I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to be with him when he was laid up in hospital. He told me his ex was coming to look after him and what not, trying to make me jealous. Kind of hard for me to be envious of that situation really.

Before I met Lee, me and Greg had organised a night out on a boat which was coming up. I had told Lee about it everyday for about a week. He clearly didn't want me to go because he kept trying to guilt trip me about his injuries and his pain and then telling me to go have fun at my boat party. I told him that I wasn't going to let my friends down and everytime he told me to go and have fun I assured him that I would. I hated how he tried to guilt trip me, and make me feel bad for something that I should never feel bad about. I came to uni this year wanting to make a change, not make the same mistakes I had made last year. The whole thing was getting too much for me so I called him and told him that he was coming on too strong, and I didn't like the way he was trying to control me. He tried to laugh it off and say he was joking. Joking is not mentioning that I better not meet another guy on this boat party over and over again. He then threw back in my face the one time I asked him if he was going to give a girl his number, but he was asking for that question to be asked when he was all trying to rub it in my face how this girl was all over him.

Then he got really mad and was like I dont like the girl you are right now anyway, don't even want to be friends with you, blah blah blah and I just held the phone away from my ear anyway because half the things he was saying was just pure mean, and I didn't need to hear all the spiteful things he had to say. I hope that this is the last I hear from him. I don't want to have anymore problems or anything from him, he's not a person I need in my life, but we'll see. Fingers crossed it's the last I've heard of it all.

Anyway boat party tomorrow night, will update you on what happens....