U guys don't have to say it. I'm fickle and I know it. My desire to be loved is so blinding I will fall for anything. It's what makes me weak as a person and is why I end up making bad decisions. I thought Rob was someone he isn't. In fact he's the total opposite of the guy I had tricked myself into believing he was. And it took the reappearance of my ex to realise this. Rob's a good guy, he's just not for me. He's typically Indian, all about the bitching, the wealth and the image. That's not me. I can't understand the battle of the ego's, and the mind games they play. The best way I can explain the differences between our personalties is by explaining what happened when we went ice skating.
Rob can't skate, even though he said he could, but I took him anyway. He pretended to be excited about it, but I could see he was sort of dreading it in the way he kept telling me to not be by his side and to go off and do my own thing. Which was annoying to me because I wanted to be with him. But since it's not stereotypically normal for the girl to be there for the guy in such situations he was sort of embarrassed by the whole situation I think. Him not knowing how to skate was bad enough, having his girlfriend by his side holding him up was worse for him. He fell twice, and the second time he fell, he had had enough and went off took his skates off and sat the rest of the time out. See me I even enjoy the falling part of skating, it's all part of the fun, falling on your bum and just sitting there and laughing about it. Helping da hither up and laughing some more when your feet slip under you and you fall back on your bum again. He just got embarrassed about it, and got worried that he had embarrassed me and was ruining my fun if I had to skate with him. I don't know why anyone would want to be taken iceskating so that they could skate on their own the one business. Oh no they have like 6 or 7 businesses of off-licences and cash and carry's dotted around London. On top of that they have about seven houses on rent or just lying there doing nothing. His parents pay for his tuition fees at uni, his rent and give him as much money as he needs to spend during the week. Which apparently is nothing compared to what they paid for him to attend the private boarding school. You know none of this wouldn't bother me if he stayed true to his word about how he doesn't let the wealth affect him as a person. But it does and he's so different because of it.
For instance, his wardrobe! Full of designer clothes. Nothing normal. When my parents went to India, I insisted on calling the house phone because it would only cost me 0.5p per minute, hence me being able to talk to them for twice as long. He started laughing and picked out three pennies from his drawer and made a "joke" about how I could talk to my parents for six minutes now. Arch and his jokes! Cor blimey!! Every little thing he turns into something sexual, anything at all that mildly related. Actually things that ain't even related. It really wears me down, and at first I was just like trying to laugh it off now I cant even be bothered to even tell him to shut the fuck up. I just ignore him now.
He had a row with one of his flatmates about bills a couple weeks back. He hadn't given her money for the bills, which understandably pissed her off. They cut him off the Internet which really pissed him off, and he was telling me about the things he said to her. How smug he was as he was telling me all this. He was like he gave her more money than she had asked for, because he had more money than he knew what to do with and she could really do with some. And how he told her to go clean some toilets (something do to with the job she does). How demeaning is he, least she has a job and she's earning her own money. Then he was boasting about how he has this recording of her bitching about one of the other housemate and how he could "finish" her but it was just his decency he was allowing her. Even when he had a massive row with the captain of the Bhangra team, he got drunk and called me. He was telling me how the others in the bhangra team need to do videos shoots because they need the money, but he didn't be HE earned all this money off his own accord apparently, and everything he does is for himself. Funny that since he doesn't do much for himself, glorifying the success of his parents and trying to pass it off as his own. I just don't get it. And again he was raving on about how he knew so much about the captain and how he was going to "finish" him by exposing the truth to everyone. Like grow a pair of balls and either beef it out or get over the fact that he's the captain and he tells you what to do! I really really despise that bitchy side of him. He's always like "I know how to play these games, I always have a way of finding things out" bla bla bla. No-one cares!!!
And I feel like I'm just there to look good on his arm. He says things like your not leaving here without wearing any make-up, even though I doubt he can notice the difference. Once when my eczema was bad on my face he was like, well it's your fault, if you have a condition you should be like my mum and take extra care of it. Eurgh mummy's boys. Can't stand em. Commitment is a taboo and the word sends him off cowering. He thinks that if he takes me to a fancy restaurant every week, he's being a good boyfriend and keeping me happy. I'll be lucky to get some decent conversation out of him in a day. It's christmas holidays At the moment, and I rarely hear from him. And when I do it's about how wealthy he is. Like last week his house got damaged by a burst pipe and all he can complain about is how expensive his carpets were. I'm so used to being able to call up my ex in time of need, and just vent about everything and anything whenever, wherever. If I was bored I could pick up the phone and call him and we used to be able to find something to talk about. But no, this guy is like don't call me when I'm at home, everything will suddenly become so obvious to his family. I'll be lucky to get a good morning text. There's been days where he hasn't even called me. I ain't used to this kind of relationship, but to be honest, I don't even care it's like that. He doesn't like me as much as I thought he could, and as just as quickly as I fell for him, my defences are up against him. And just like that I can go on days feeling like I ain't even in a relationship. LOL let's be honest now, this isn't even a relationship. It's company. He has no feelings for me. I have to ask him if he misses me for god's sake!! and he feeds me the of course I do sweety bullshit. Like cut the crap.
I don't know, I'm meeting him tomorrow and I wander how it's going to be... Yet again I'm going to him, because he "doesn't have his tom-tom" to pick me up from Uxbridge. Oh god and he whines sooo much!! One time we went clubbing in central, and I said we could get the nightbus back to my place, he whined all the way to the bus stop, all the way on the bus, and even while we walked to the flat which is like 2 minutes!! Whinge Whinge Whinge. He was liek we could have taken a taxi, because like I have money to just give over in a taxi everywhere. Maybe I am just venting too much about him. I'll blog about how tomorrow goes. Clean slate, and we'll start again, see how tomorrow goes...
Friday, 30 December 2011
Thursday, 29 December 2011
I know haven't written in over a month. So much has happened and at the same time nothing has happened at all. No progress to report. If anything I've taken a few steps back. I guess if anything I've just been so ashamed of the confusion that's in my mind. Writing about it all in here makes it that much more unavoidable. For the past month I've been living each aspect of my life as separate from each other, every moment passing me by, not consolidating it and letting situations get the better of me. Let me explain. Each of the next few posts will be broken up into the random bits of stuff that's been happening. It'll just make it easier for me to explain then to purge all in one post. Here goes...