Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Children are magic.

I started my new placement today. I didn't expect to start so soon, but on new years eve I got the email telling me that istarted on the third. I really was not looking forward to it, beause one; I had been working long hours at primark over the bank holiday and was looking forward to a few lazy days, and two; this placement really wasn't what I wanted to do, but I just accepted it because nothing else was coming through for me.

I woke up today just in time to not have to rush. Soon as I stepped outside the wind nearly blew me back inside; it was so strong. And the rain was just disgusting. Having an umbrella up just made the situation worse, it was such a battle getting to my first day a work. I had that feeling that I should just turn around and go home. I walk into the room where all the other students were and who do I say, than none other than this girl who really really does not like me. I think we both had the same reaction when we sa each other, our faces mirroring each others. This day just kept getting worse for me. There were a few other girls there too, and one I started talking to them, it was a bit more bearable.

After a lot of waiting around I finally got into my class. I was expecting to go into a year 10 class, but instead I ended up going into a year 8 class. The children suffer from all sorts of disabilities from down syndrome to autism or are just global developmental problems. Where I had my last class of thirty in a mainstream primary school, I was quite daunted of the idea of being in this classroom. I walked in and the kids were so welcoming and so much more "normal" than I expected! They ain't much difficult at all, and most of the other students I work with are quite genuine. I might just enjoy my time at this place. How often will I get a chance to help such amazing children? I'm going to put my all into this placement. I have to. It's the only positive and solid I have going for me right now. I'm going to hold onto it as the energy to fuel my attempts to better myself as a person

Jay A.K.A The Ex

So the ex decides that as soon as I'm with someone that I actually like he wants me back. So silly really because he doesn't even want me, he doesn't love me he just doesn't want me to be with anyone else, because he doesn't want to be on his own. And I'm stupid because every time he tells me how he's always going to be here trying to win me back, even though I know he doesn't really mean any of it, there's a tiny part of me that hopes that I will get the guy I once loved back. But then thinking about it I probably still love him, otherwise why bother being so pathetic to hope for the impossible.

The more I fought against him, and tried to cut him out once and for all, the hard he held on, and the harder I found it to see any good in the relationship with Rob. When he's being my Jay, the boy I fell in love with, it's hard for me to see any good in a relationship that would never compare to what I once had. But soon as I gave him any hope it became clear that he didn't want me back. He just wanted to makesure he still had me right where he wanted me. I gave him the chance to come and see me and as usual he just couldn't be bothered.

So for new years eve I made it my new years resolution to not talk to him ever unless it's about the money he owes me. I'm never going to give him that satisfaction that he has a hold over me. Because he don't. It's the 3rd day of 2012, so far so good. On top of that I've been sort of healthy, I haven't been eating meat much and I've been drinking my water and ha ing mu fruit and veg. Hopefully by the end of this year I can become fully vegetarian. My mum and my ex keep going on about how fat I'm getting, and I can't stand it anymore. I miss being slim. I don't think I'm fat, but if everyone's saying it, maybe I am. I don't know I have been eating a lot of junk lately. Just need to work on budgeting money better as well.

Rob's clean slate

So far he's not doing too well because I'm running a little late. I told him I'm on the train and that I was nearly at central and he's all questioning how I have reception if I'm on the train at central as if he's caught me out on a lie. I was like national rail to liverpool street, get over it. He thinks he's so clever. One step ahead of u babycakes. Eurgh...

So he picked me up from wembley park station in his very bright gold car and its so far quite normal... Talking about crap...

Well I spent a load of money on myself. He was criticising every shop I wanted to go into, calling it dusty and cramped etc, and he went into his armani exchange and gucci and burberry shops like he went into there out of habit. Sometimes I get the feeling he just goes into these shops just to make more of a point, purely based on how he acts in when he goes in, like he's just trying to spend enough time before leaving. He's said that he's getting me the black adidas trainers with the red bow tongue for christmas. Which got me excited, I knew he was going to get them for me anyway, and I gave him a clue of what I was going to get him and he was like aw thanku, least I said thanku. Which fair enough I didn't really say oh thanku Rob for getting me something I really want, but it's not the most important thing I should be thanking him for really.

He had a few I don't approve of ur behaviour raised eyebrow look when I called him a pig. He was asking for it with all his not so funny jokes. He dropped me to the station and he hasn't called me since. 3 days into the new year and even our 2 month anniversary was yesterday, but he was way too busy to pick up the phone and call me. Oh my bad he did call me in the middle of the night at around 2am, an hour later than when he said he would call, on the night I had work early. What annoyed about my ex was that I meant very little to him in his life and I've gone into another relationship where I'm in the exact same position still. It bothered me more when my ex did it to me though, I loved him, Rob doesn't love me and I don't love him.
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